𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

or was my rage my mother's?

or her mother's?

or hers?

an inherited creature?

"So glad you decided to show up to the birth of your fuckin' daughter," the woman in the hospital bed cleared her throat as a man's silhouette appeared in the doorframe. Normally after the ordeal that was giving birth you would expect a woman to look tired. But with her arms crossed over her chest and attention far from the bassinet that sat in the corner of the room, this woman just looked exasperated. Irritated, even.

"You only called me half a dozen times," The man ran a hand through already thin and graying hair. He looked too old to be a new father, and the lines around his brow suggested he might already have had children. Either that or his work life was particularly stressful. "What is it you want, Ellie?"

"Don't fucking call me that." The woman, Ellie, snapped. "I just spent seven fucking hours pushing out your goddamn daughter, and you didn't have the decency to show your face. You don't get to call me Ellie."

"Alright. Fine." The man sighed, stepping further into the room and leaning up against the fall. "Why did you call me, Eleanor?"

Eleanor tilted her head to the side, as if she was sizing him up. It was a funny thought, a woman who had just given birth taking it upon herself to fight a grown man, but there was enough resentment in her eyes that if the nurses and doctors were to take bets, she might have a few wagers on her side. "I have a proposal."
"A proposal? You-"
"Not a damn marriage proposal. I know how much you love your sweet Caroline, how loyal you are to her," She scoffed, as if the infant laying a few feet away from them wasn't a testament contrary to that statement. "It's about Lillian."
"Lillian?" There was visible confusion on the man's face, and it was clear that was Eleanor's intention.

"That's your daughter's name. Not that you would know that, I picked it."
"Did you?"
"Yes." Eleanor sighed, the exhaustion that had to be wearing at her now beginning to show in her face. "Look, Logan, we both know you fucked me over. And there's no way this ends happily for me."
Logan had half a mind to protest, to attempt to absolve himself of any fault, but some voice of reason in his head urged him not to engage in a verbal fight with a woman who had just labored for hours. Eleanor fought dirty, and he would only walk away looking like the asshole if he argued with her now. "Just get to the point, Eleanor."
"But you don't have to fuck her over." She gestured to the bassinet, eyes lingering on that corner of the room for a few seconds before turning her attention back to Logan. "She still has a shot at a decent life without being.. Ostracized and heartbroken."

Logan's brow furrowed, but his gaze didn't follow hers over to the bassinet. "What are you proposing?"
Eleanor sucked in a deep breath, wiping her hands on the bed sheets laid overtop her legs. "I want you to take custody." She paused, as though a weight had been lifted from her chest after having said that. "Full custody."
"Custody? Eleanor, you're being ridiculous— I have a wife, four other children. I can't just.. Show up with a child, let alone take care of another one."
"Please," Eleanor laughed, and it wasn't clear whether it was the frustration or exhaustion that was making her react to his rejection with amusement. She was almost giddy, and she knew that he probably thought she wasn't thinking straight because of all the endorphins. Fuck that. This was the clearest she'd been able to think in a long time. "We both know you're not the one taking care of those damn kids."

He faltered, not expecting such a blatant call out of his parenting style. It didn't matter. It didn't change his answer. "Regardless, I can't.. I can't just bring a baby in. People will ask questions, Caroline will be furious, my reputation, the business. You... Eleanor, you have to know it's not feasible."

That last comment almost sent her over the edge. The way she spoke to her like she was a foolish child. She was a whole person, not someone he could manipulate or coax into believing what he wanted. If there were two children in this room, she sure as hell wasn't one of them. "I think your reputation would suffer a whole lot more if the whole world found out you fucked a secretary working for a company you were supposed to be doing a deal with."

And with that comment Eleanor had shown her hand. It almost seemed like she was smiling, with a sort of delirious ghost of a grin lingering on her face. She knew Logan couldn't argue with that. She'd worked with him, she'd slept with him, and she'd seen the parts of him the public didn't get to see. And she knew that above all else, he cared about his business. His money.

"You would-"

"Try me." Eleanor said coldly, the pep in her voice now long gone.

Logan stood there for what felt like an eternity, looking back and forth between the woman before him, the bassinet, and the blank hospital walls, as if one of them might give him advice as to what he should do. But Ellie was patient, her expression calm. Because she already knew that she'd won.

"You're signing a fucking NDA."
"Oh, I know."

At least it seemed one woman would get the last laugh over Logan Roy.

seventeen years later.

It had to be close to one in the morning. Everyone in Logan Roy's summer home in the Hamptons had to be asleep by now. Well, everyone except Logan's youngest daughter, who'd gone to bed early claiming she didn't feel well. No, she definitely wasn't awake.

Instead, Lilian Roy was sitting at her vanity, putting on a pair of earrings that any reasonable parent would know not to give a seventeen year-old. She looked herself up and down in the mirror, smoothing the black tank top she had on as she checked to make sure she was ok with how she'd done her makeup. Nothing like a full-face in the middle of the night.

The ease and precision with which she slipped out of her room and gracefully tiptoed down the stairs suggested that this was a routine Lily was all too familiar with. She knew which floorboards made noise, which of her siblings were most likely to stir, and most importantly, to check if the light in her father's study was on. Tonight, blessedly, it was off.

She made it downstairs to the foyer, and as she approached the front doors, she reached into the clutch she'd brought with her, pulling out a fifty dollar bill. Slowly unlocking the door and slipping into the humid night air, she offered her best smile to the man standing guard outside the door. Hank.

He was an ex-cop, someone Logan had hired to be both security and a doorman for this house. He never said it, but he was hired to be both of those things because Logan didn't trust his children. But luckily for Lily, she'd discovered that Hank liked cash on the side just a little bit more than he liked being completely honest with his boss.

"Good evening, Hank." Lily cooed, letting the door shut gently behind her. It was the same voice, the same look that she gave Logan whenever she wanted something.

"It's one in the fuckin' morning." The man drawled in his thick New York accent, the voice of someone who'd seen his fair share of shit in the city.

"Oh shut it. Just take the money and buy your wife something nice." She shoved the cash into his hand, offering him one last sickly sweet smile.

Lily didn't have to walk far to find the car she was looking for, just out of their cul de sac and onto the main drag. About a block down from the street where you turned to get to the Roy's residence sat a sports car that much like Lily's earrings, should not have been entrusted to a teenager.

The car unlocked as she approached and Lily opened the passenger side door and slid inside.

"You're late." The boy inside couldn't have been much older than she was. His comment sounded cold, but the grin on his face suggested he wasn't all that upset. He was good looking, there was no doubt about that. Leave it to Logan Roy's daughter to steal the boy everyone at school was after.

"By like, five minutes, Noah." Lily scoffed, shifting in her seat. "Besides, it was either five minutes late or risk my dad chasing you here with one of his antique shotguns."

The boy, Noah, cocked his head to the side, smirk widening. "I think I could take him."

Lily rolled her eyes, "Just shut up and fuck me." Was all she said as she reached for the hem of her tank top and pulled her shirt off, the couple tumbling their way into the back of the car between messy kisses and discarded clothing.

As Lily walked back up the cobblestone walkway that led to the Roy House she took her time, perhaps just a bit too overzealous now that she had succeeded in her scheme. Her lipstick was smudged and she'd taken off the heels she'd worn for the walk home, her shoes dangling by their straps in her hands.

Hank didn't say anything as she came back. He also didn't ask for more money, which she was appreciative of, because all she had left was a ten dollar bill. She had more in her room, but that meant running the risk of going up and down their loud-ass stairs again.
She sighed as she gently shut the door behind her, pausing before she began the careful dance of walking up the staircase without making any noise at all. But in her moment of pause, she noticed something, something she had failed to see before coming in the door, and the thing that would fuck up her perfect little night.

There was a light on in the kitchen.

It was just a glow coming down the hall, the parlor and a hallway in between her and whatever midnight snacker was awake, but sound carried when you were on the same level. She froze, debating whether she could scurry up the stairs before they came to investigate the sound of the door opening. But that meant risking awaking others upstairs. Namely her father.

As she debated her options, the footsteps coming down the hallway and the silhouette that appeared on the other side of the foyer told her that her time was up. She was going to have to deal with whoever this was.
"Lily? What the hell are you doing?"

Connor. Of course it was Connor. Her oldest brother looked as confused as she felt terrified, standing there in his pajama pants clutching a bag of chips. He had just gotten hungry and grabbed something to eat. Some luck. But his confusion faded gradually, as he seemed to piece together what he was seeing.

"Lily." He repeated her name, this time with less confusion and more urgency and anger. "Were you out at a party? Have you been drinking?"

"No, God, no Connor I wasn't at a party, I wasn't fucking drinking." She snapped, crossing her arms over her chest and doing her best to look more put together than your average teenage girl who just fucked her boyfriend in the back of a car.

"Come here I want to see if I can smell-"
"I wasn't fucking drinking!" She hissed, trying to keep her voice down so not as to let this little encounter wake any of their other family members. "And even if I was, you're not my fuckin' father you can't.. It's not your problem. Please just, forget it and go to bed."
Connor shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "You have to know I can't do that. If you weren't at a party you were.. Were you with that guy?"
"Stop. Let's just... both go to bed and forget this happened." Lily changed her tone, aiming for the charming-her-way-out-of-deep-shit strategy that seemed to work sometimes. But Connor was too upstanding. Any of her other siblings she might have been able to hold something over their head as blackmail or bribe them with some offer to keep their mouth shut. Not Connor. He would do what he thought was right just because it was right.

"Fine. You'll deal with this later. Go to bed, Lily." He told her finally.

"Please, Con, you can't tell dad he'll kill me. I can't-"
"Go to bed,"
"But-"
"Lily." He didn't sound angry. Just... disappointed. That was the opposite of Logan. He would've been enraged. "Go to bed."

The youngest Roy stood there for a second, but eventually she caved, trudging up the stairs and retreating to her bedroom. She had half a mind to lock her door so she couldn't be disturbed the next morning, but she knew that would only cause more problems. The fewer rules she broke, the better shot she had at evading punishment.

Lily. Connor only ever called her Lily, even when he was frustrated or mad. It would've been nice, if he didn't fuck her over by being a snitch whenever he saw something he knew Logan forbade her from doing. But it was always Lily, never a raised voice, never called her Lillian. For some reason that just made her more angry at him.

She laid down in bed after changing into her pajamas, falling asleep praying that maybe, just maybe, for once her self-righteous brother would keep his mouth shut.

He didn't keep his mouth shut. The whole family knew what Connor had seen before breakfast, and all of her siblings were huddled outside Logan's study when he called her in there for a talk. Called Lillian in there for a talk. Oh, she was referred to by her full name more than a few times.

She didn't flinch anymore when Logan yelled at her, just nodded and tried her best to look sorry. Once he let out his ire, he determined she'd lose her allowance money for a month and couldn't see any friends for the same amount of time. Not awful, considering what she'd done. She knew she'd gotten off easy.

And so did her siblings, based on the way Shiv glared at her and Kendall refused to speak to her. But Roman, of course he had something to say.

"The whore walks away unscathed yet again!" He remarked as she began the walk of shame back up to her room. "Careful, next dad will recommend stoning!"

"Fuck off Roman," She spat, not even meeting his eyes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him mutter something to Kendall that made him laugh.

That was the first time Lillian Roy remembered her brothers calling her a whore to her face.

author's note

woohoo this is finally up. as you may or may not have noticed, i unpublished this because i lost all motivation. but SOMEONE kept sending me matthew macfadyen pictures and updating their own fic so i kept getting inspo and i finally forced myself to finish this!

so yes lily is a lot but she has her reasons for being a lot and i promise she's a lot of fun. also shoutout to connor for be her best sibling. 

the coming chapters should be easier/more fun for me to write so hopefully they'll come out sooner. anyways thank you so much for reading love you guys byeeeee