"I'm tired.

That's what I'd want to say but honestly, I feel guilty of feeling tired. I feel guilty of not working more. I feel guilty of not completing all tasks assigned today.

Maybe, I'm slacking. That's an understatement. I'm surely slacking.
But damn this all, I'm actually tired.

Should I even be tired?
Am I overreacting?"

I stare at the laptop screen, while it's 1.22am. I still have pending work to complete while I'm doing nothing.
Staring at the screen won't bring a change but I'm just taking time to process the fact that I do not wish to work right now. I feel to give up for today, close this, pull myself over and fall asleep.

I don't know how many more sets of "I'm tired" would I be uttering in my mind till it's the end of everything and I mull it over.

After a while of still staring at the screen, I drink some water, switch the laptop off as I feel the cold metal on my hands and I pick it up, keep it in my bag, and go to the bedroom, lay down to sleep.

Just 178-183 words, and it felt like forever to me.
To the me who wrote thousands of words in a go.
Whose mind used to flow with imaginations and wonders.
Where did I leave it back then?
I state that it doesn't matter, but it surely does.
I want to flow again.
What's stopping me?
Maybe it's me, myself.
But in reality, that's something I still don't know.

I turn my phone on.

___________________________________________

Y/N:- Bro, I'm tired.

Yena:- Me too.

Y/N:- What happened to you? Is everything alright?

Yena:- That's the shit I can't figure out myself. I am randomly happy and the very next second I am crying my eyes out for no reason 🙃

Y/N:- Real
Me too 🧍🏻‍♀️
Just that I can't cry

Yena:- 💀

Y/N:- Same phase going on I suppose 🧍🏻‍♀️
Also, bro ngl I loved when we romanticized ourselves with fictional people rather than romanticizing ourselves with ourselves 💀

Yena:- 💀

Y/N:- No bro, really. Also, I'm feeling bad for you feeling low.

Yena:- No
I guess it's my mood swings due to periods

Y/N:- I'm also on my period so I'm guessing the same thing, wondering whether I'm overreacting 🧍🏻‍♀

Yena:- 💀 I guess we're just having mood swings

Y/N:- yeah. Btw this is unrelated but I want to go back in 9th grade. That was the peak. Everything went downhill after that.

Yena:- Same
I swear
I am still stuck in 9th grade

Y/N:- I'm over it but I wanted it to happen again
Or similar stuff
It never happens
Even the people in uni are 💔

Yena:- Hmm

Y/N:- Like, if you'd be rude about something with me, I'd know that you wouldn't mean it and I know that you wouldn't have any malicious feelings towards me but the people in uni say stuff which really gets to me at times.
It's as if I'm in school again but it's a version where you're not my friend.

Yena:- ☹
Idk why but it's sad to imagine

Y/N:- Nvm, leave it now.

Yena:- alright

___________________________________________

I keep the phone besides me as I breathe slowly, air filling my lungs, although I can't feel whether it's cold or mild, just the movement in my nostrils as I yawn for a while and pick my phone up again.

___________________________________________

Y/N:- Yo, you wanna hear me rant about something?

Yena:- Go ahead.
___________________________________________

And after that I rant and talk about stuff on my mind with her for a while, although having the guilt of me speaking whatever and whenever I wish to while she doesn't do that.

As I text her goodnight, I turn off the internet and switch the phone off as I put it under my pillow, drink some cool water and take the mattress over my head, resting myself while embracing a big pillow, as I drift to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder that maybe I can't differentiate between reality and fiction.