I just found this in one of my notebooks. And it was almost two years ago I wrote this. So I thought, that it doesn't make any use on a piece of paper, so why not post it? I really hope that you like it!

And I am sorry if there are any misspellings and grammatical errors
~~~

It's been about 6 months since Shawn and I moved away from each other. I live in a small apartment with our daughter Oliva. I have texted a little with Brian who is one of Shawn's closest friends. And he tells Shawn, not at all well.

I felt guilty. I have wanted to write to Shawn for several days. I have always written a text, but as soon as I am about to send it, I delete the entire text.

I had just left Olivia at the kindergarten and I came home and threw myself down on the couch and took a deep breath and decided to write to Shawn. It took me a while to the device if I should write something or not.

But I missed him so incredibly much and I can't live without Shawn. I took a deep breath and started writing with my shaky fingers.

I didn't think about it until I saw the wet spots on the screen that tears were rolling down my cheeks.

I wiped them off and disappeared out of the hall, putting on my military green trench coat and my black purse. I got out of the car and started driving.

I thought a lot, and it was shocking for me to hear from Brian when he said that Shawn acted so badly when we parted. Not for a hundred thousand years would I think that Shawn would drown his sorrow in alcohol.

But maybe it was good for me to finally swallow my courage and open myself up to him about my real feelings.

I turned on the radio and Shawn's new song was played that I've never heard before. It was Shawn. I listened carefully to Shawn's chosen words

"I'm in Toronto and I got this view. But I might as well be in a hotel room, yes. It doesn't matter because I'm so exhausted. Spend all my nights reading texts you Oh, I'm good at keeping my distance. I know you're feeling I'm missing. You know I hate to admit it. But everything means nothing if I can't have you "

I understood at one time that he had written it during our separation and that it was about me. I felt a tear running down my cheek so I wiped it away following by another tear.

As I approached Shawn's apartment I got tears in my eyes, I felt I was home but still not. I took a deep breath and got out of the car and went up to Shawn's floor.

There I was, in front of Shawn's door and I bent down and lifted the rug, and picked up the key. The only thing I could see as I entered the hall was a mess of clothes and empty bottles all over the floor. I knew Shawn wasn't the most decent person, but this. This was on a whole nother level.
"Hi! Shawn are you there?" I went into the middle of the apartment so I had the tv room to my left and the kitchen to my right. In the corner of my eye, I saw Shawn coming out of the bedroom door that was right by the kitchen
"h-hi. I tried to-to clean a bit but this mess is unbearable"

I had a bad conscience knowing that all this would not have happened if I had not been so selfish and ended up with him. He raised his hand and scratched the back of his neck.

"I didn't want you to see all this and me. Like this", he looked down on himself and
It wasn't until now I saw what he was wearing. Gray sweatpants that loosely hanging around his waist, he was wearing a white t-shirt with a spot of some liquid just below his collarbone.

His eyes were swollen and red, red cheeks, and his lips were swollen. His hair looked dirty and messy. Messier than usual. I could see that he hasn't shaved in a long time, because he had quite a lot of facial hair, and it was enough that he needed a shave.

He was right that he smelled. He smelled like a mixture of alcohol and his own scent, but stronger than usual.

"I'm so sorry Shawn," I said and walked slowly up to him and I got tears in my eyes just by seeing him like this. This isn't the Shawn I knew that is standing in front of me.
He swallowed hard.

"I really want to help" "It is okay" he sighed
"No, it's not okay. Nothing is okay and you know it. You have to change Shawn. Start if by taking a shower, then we can talk about everything" "Uh-huh" He nodded and turned around and was just about to go into the bedroom before I said, "I can start cleaning a bit if it's okay?"

"Yes, I just" he paused and shook his head "No, forget it"

"No, Shawn, please tell me"

"I have always tried my best to make you happy and..and I know your feelings for me now. I just want to be a good man. No, I want to be the perfect man for you. But look at this"
He pointed to himself and it watered in his eyes.

"Look, you probably think I've lost all control of myself. You are not wrong. I'm an alcoholic now" He made a disgusting face and it crushed me to hear him say such things. "Shawn, we can work on this"

"Suddenly we can, eh?" He looked down at his tattoo on his hand and drew circles on the swallow with one finger. "I wish you could say that before we separated" "Shawn" I sighed
"I'll go and shower," He said short and disappeared into the bedroom that was ours once upon a time.

He looked so exhausted. I dropped to the ground and leaned against one of the kitchen counters. I felt so guilty, nothing has changed and everything has changed at the same time. My feelings towards him, the butterflies in my stomach, they were still there. But we were no longer the two lovers, whose faces were constantly brushed with a smile, a special smile that only existed when we were with each other.

I stood up again and took a deep breath and began to walk around the room picking up clothes that were thrown here and there. I opened the windows that could be opened on ajar, just to let fresh air into the apartment. I had to think a lot, when I am all alone, I start to question everything.

Thinking a lot can be good, it can be useful. But it can easily get me through mental breakdowns, even panic attacks in some contexts.

The tears burst into my eyes and I couldn't say what the exact reason was. I missed him. I missed our relationship. It was only now that I realized how much I care about someone.

"Woah" I heard a voice behind me
I wiped away my tears in just a second and turned around. There he stood with his bare chest and was wearing another pair of sweatpants.

He was holding a sweater, which he could only have put on, but of course, he wanted to show what I have missed in the past 6 months we have been separated.

"Let me know if there is anything else you need help with"

Part 2?

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