ＦＯＵＲ ＳＴＩＣＫＳ

𝔩𝔢𝔡 𝔷𝔢𝔭𝔭𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔫

♜

"Ooh! Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk!" Jackie beams. "This game is just like life. I am the richest of all."

I roll the dice onto the Monopoly board.

"Jackie, I've got nine hundred and seventy dollars here. It's all yours if you'll just go away," Eric groans.

"Relax, Forman," Hyde scoffs. "It's better than having Laurie down here. She's like a big cancerous tumor. Jackie's more like... a tiny benign cyst."

"Thank you, Hyde," she chimes with a grin, setting a portion of her in-game cash down. "Here, buy yourself a hotel."

My position on the floor between his legs suddenly becomes very useful as I pick the money up. "Aw, thanks, Jackie," I smirk.

"Hey!" Hyde whines.

I tilt my head back far enough so that I'm able to look at him. "Sorry. You were too slow."

"Why are you giving them money?" Fez complains. "I'm the one who's in jail. Plus, Hyde punched me in the arm. Why can't we start over?"

"Because!" Hyde hisses, punching him again.

"Ay!"

"And don't try tippin' the board over again, either."

I lightly hit his leg. "Be nice, Steven."

Kelso and Laurie enter the room abruptly. 

"Next time we go hiking, make sure you bring a blanket. I think I have a twig in my shorts."

"What a coincidence, so does Kelso," the boy above me says. I cover my mouth with my hand to try to refrain from snickering.

"Burn!" Jackie giggles.

"Okay, okay," Michael smirks. "Nice burn. Hi, Jackie."

"Oh, look, it's Michael and his community chest."

"Nice," Hyde chuckles.

"So, Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight, don't wear that stupid unicorn tie," Laurie says snidely.

Jackie gasps.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a gift?"

"Oh yeah? Well, were those shoes a gift? Because they're ugly!"

"What are you even doing here, anyways? Shouldn't you be off playing with ribbons and ponies?"

"Well, shouldn't you be off... being a bitch?"

"Ooh, I made the little girl say a bad word." She glances at me and smiles in acknowledgement before kissing Mike and retreating upstairs. "See you tonight."

An awkward silence settles over us before Fez knocks the board over. "Whoops."

♜

Once everyone leaves, except for Jackie, Hyde, and me, Hyde begins polishing his boots as we listen to Jackie rant.

"Laurie makes me so mad," she seethes. "I just want to rip out her hair, show it to her, and hope it doesn't grow back. I hate her."

"Jackie, that's what she wants," I sigh, fiddling with my nails. "If you give her a reaction, it's just going to encourage her to bother you more."

"She's right," Steven agrees. "She feeds on your anger, man, it only makes her stronger."

"Well, then what am I supposed to do?" she frowns.

"If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen."

She raises her eyebrows. "Zen? You can't just make up words, Hyde."

"No, man, Zen! At peace. Aloof."

"Zen," I nod.

"Okay, then. Will you guys teach me to be Zen?" she asks giddily.

"You can't just teach someone to be Zen, Jackie," he explains. "You can only learn to be Zen."

"Okay, I don't understand."

"Exactly."

"Oh, come on," I smile. "It can't hurt to teach her. It'll quiet her down."

He contemplates it for a moment. "Jackie, if you want to be our student, you need to follow our instructions without question."

"Okay, okay," she beams. "See? I can do that."

"Okay. First thing... Finish polishing my boots."

"Polish your-"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

I squeak as he lifts me up and starts carrying me to his room. "We're going to go make out while you do that."

"Put me down, you dillhole," I giggle. 

"Ew, I don't want to hear you guys-" Jackie objects.

"Shine, grasshopper, shine," Hyde interrupts.

"If you don't put me down, I'll bite you," I threaten.

"I mean, hey, if you're into that-"

"Hyde!"

I manage to convince him to sit down with us and begin lecturing her on the various Zen phrases, such as "whatever."

"Whatever," she demonstrates.

"No," Hyde critiques. "More aloofness."

"Whatever."

"I'm not believing you."

"When are we going to move on? I've been saying 'whatever' for half an hour."

"You can say very much by saying very little, small grasshopper. Princess, pretend you're Laurie and insult me."

"Okay." I clear my throat and do my best Laurie impression. "Hyde, you're an orphan, so we have to stuff you in our basement. Just like you stuff your pants."

He stares at me for a moment. "Okay, that's not fair, it's just hot coming from you. Jackie, you do it."

I smack his arm, struggling to keep a smile off of my face as Jackie gasps in disappointment. "I'm so much hotter than her!"

"Whatever."

"Damnit! Let me try again. Hey Hyde, you're stupid."

"Whatever."

"You have to teach me that!"

"Now, another part of this is ambiguity. See, you don't want people to know exactly what you mean. Princess, ask me if I want to go to a movie tonight."

I sigh. "Hyde, do you want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

His lips curl into a shit-eating grin. "Sure, it's a date."

I roll my eyes and shake my head fondly as Jackie volunteers to do it. "Hyde, do you want to see a movie tonight?"

"That's cool." A beat of silence passes as she considers his answer. "See, you don't know if I mean 'That's cool, I'll go,' or 'That's cool, no thanks.'"

"And that's cool."

"Whatever."

"Oh my god! I am so sorry I got impatient."

I can't help but feel uncomfortable with the fact that Jackie and Hyde are getting along so well. Jackie and Hyde. I know I have no reason for cringing at the thought of them together, but that doesn't prevent me from doing it.

Jackie and Hyde sounds better than Anastasia and Hyde. Wait, shut up! It doesn't matter!

"That's cool." 

She squeals excitedly and I join him on the dryer as Donna walks in.

"Hey, guys," she says. "Jackie, Eric won't invite me to dinner tonight, so do you want to, like, go to the mall or something?"

She shrugs nonchalantly. "That's cool."

Steven drapes an arm over my shoulders proudly.

"Wait, what do you mean?"

She turns to us quickly. "Oh my god, it worked! I mean," she faces Donna again, "whatever."

"She wants to go," I clarify.

"We've trained her well," Hyde sighs as they exit the basement.

"So far," I remind him.

"True. I think she'll be a fine student."

"I agree."

He gently rubs my arm. "Now, about that makeout session... Are you sure you don't want to change your mind?"

I smirk, hopping off of the dryer. "That's cool."

♜

I sit on Fez's lap during a Circle, something he is ecstatic about, as Eric giddily relays the story of Kelso almost being killed by his father for dating Laurie.

"And the rest of dinner," he wheezes, "was eaten in complete silence. The only sound was the throbbing of that vein in Red's giant, shiny head."

"Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso," Fez chuckles. "Sure, he's had sex a lot, and I am still a virgin, but... Oh, I wish I was Kelso."

I push the hair out of his eyes comfortingly. "No, you don't, Fezzie."

"Yeah," Hyde grunts. "Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong, man! No, wait. That's me."

Jackie bursts out laughing, which spurs me to start my own fit of giggles.

"Man," she slurs, "I just totally forgot why I was laughing!"

I manage to churn out a sentence through my fit. "Oh my god, me too!"

"Isn't that funny?"

"Okay, no more for the cheerleader," Eric says nervously.

"Jackie, you seem different," Fez points out. "I don't know if it's your hair, your outfit, or your red, puffy eyes.

"She's Zen, man," Steven grins proudly. "Ana and I have taken her under our wings. We're running a dojo of coolness. Jackie, demonstrate."

She stuffs an Oreo into her mouth. "Oogly-moogly. Googly."

"She's still learning," I reassure, smiling as Fez rests his head on my chest.

We raise our eyebrows at her since she's still keeled over with laughter, and decide to start packing up.

Eric rushes upstairs and Jackie manages to calm herself down enough to find Donna and get swept away to her house.

Once I help Hyde hide the stash, the remaining three of us plop down on the couch. 

"So, what now?" I sigh.

"I have an idea!" Fez chimes.

"What?"

"Trust me."

I cautiously follow his lead, letting him lay me down so that my head rests in his lap, not unlike the way I've held Michael.

It's comforting to be on the receiving end of the exchange, and I quickly relax while he starts playing with my hair.

"Man, what are you doing?" Steven says with a look of disdain.

I close my eyes. "I don't know, but it's cozy and I like it."

I can almost feel the smirk radiating off of Fez and the complete opposite type of energy coming from Hyde.

"Turn that frown upside down, Hyde," Fez grins. "I'm taking over babysitting duty. Catch a break."

I scoff. "You are not babysitting me, nor do you have to."

"Well, you're not moving, so I must be doing something right."

Hyde picks up a magazine and scowls at the topless girls inside.

I lift my head, much to Fez's dismay. "What are you all jealous about?"

"Nothing," he shrugs.

"We're not even doing anything sexual."

"Okay."

"So I don't know why you'd be jealous because you said yourself that I'm nothing but a fling to you."

"Princess, did I ask?"

I sit up and cross my arms. "Asshole."

"Bitch."

"Oh, you did not."

He smirks and pulls me onto his lap. "Oh, I did."

I scoff but don't move as Kelso walks in and joins us.

"You know," he says, spreading his arms along the back of the couch. "I missed you guys. This place just isn't the same without me around."

Eric returns to us. "Oh, hey, Kelso. Do you want to hear a funny story? I was upstairs and Red was yelling at me. About you. And then, uh, I said, 'Why are you yelling at me? Kelso is right downstairs. In fact, I'll go get him for you.'"

"Say, that is a funny story," Hyde grins.

"I don't care, I'll talk to Red," Michael huffs, standing up. "He was really mean to me, and I brought him a five-pack! I hope he's ready to apologize."

"Yeah, that's it. If there's something Red's about, it's forgiveness."

"No, he's not," Fez frowns obliviously. "He's the opposite of that. Oh, wait." He nods coolly. "I get you. Funny."

Kelso swaps himself out for Donna and Jackie, the latter sitting down in Hyde's chair and flipping through a magazine.

"Hey, guys, what's up?" Donna says tiredly.

"Not much," I chuckle. "Did Jackie get down from her high?"

"Yeah. Why did you have to send her to me?"

"Sorry."

Laurie saunters down the steps, her insults for Jackie ready. "Oh, you again. What happened? Did they let out kindergarten early today?"

She doesn't look up from her Cosmo. "Whatever."

"Jackie, don't you have a lame comeback saved for this very occasion?"

"That's cool."

"We did well," Hyde mumbles into my ear after kissing my cheek.

"Oh, so now you're Little Miss Cool?" Laurie scoffs, still trying to get a fight going.

"Whatever."

"Well, if you're really as cool as you think you are, you would've been able to hold onto your one true love. But you couldn't, could you? Loser."

Hyde holds me down as Jackie leaps at her.

"Cat fight!" Fez yells as we all stand to watch them.

"Guys, stop!" Donna jumps in. "Ow, she bit me! Jackie, hit her in the eye!"

"Ow, my eye!" Laurie yelps.

"Oh, I know!" Fez exclaims. "We can pour water on them, and then we can see through their shirts!"

Jackie comes out on top, chasing the other girl away. Laurie and I are on good terms, but I can't help but root for Jackie.

"You kicked her ass, man!" Hyde compliments.

"Yeah. Yeah," she pants. "Whatever."

"Oh my gosh, I am so turned on!" Fez remarks.

I automatically step away from him. "Jackie, that was seriously amazing."

"Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me, was it?" she sighs.

"Well," Hyde clears his throat. "Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper."

"Hey, man. Let's do that thing where we all sit in the Circle again."

"Not again," Donna groans. "I can't deal with Baked Jackie anymore."

♜

Hyde is a salty boi

As always, feedback, comments, and votes are appreciated!

Love you guys,

Lissy