ＣＯＭＦＯＲＴＡＢＬＹ ＮＵＭＢ

𝔭𝔦𝔫𝔨 𝔣𝔩𝔬𝔶𝔡

♜

I sit across Hyde's lap in the Formans' basement, peering down at the comic he reads.

"If I was stranded on a desert island with only one form of cheese," Fez announces, "no question, it would have to be the puff."

"Those aren't too good for you, Fezzie," I remark.

"Well, I like them!"

"You know who's my little cheese puff?" Kelso giggles. "Jackie."

"Oh, Michael, you're so cute!" his girlfriend gushes.

"You're cute!"

"Cuter!"

"Cutest!"

"Alright," Hyde says in disgust. "You guys have got to shut up before I blow cheese puff chunks."

"Well, Michael," Jackie dismisses, "I'll see you tonight at eight. I'll be counting the minutes."

Kelso furrows his eyebrows. "Why don't you just use a clock?"

She shakes her head, sighing, and exits the basement.

"Man, we're so back in love!" Michael grins.

"I remember when it was all, 'You're an idiot, Michael!' And, 'Woah, what'd I do?'" Hyde mocks. "Good times."

"Sorry, man, but I love her."

"Yes, but you don't deserve her, you son of a bitch," Fez mutters.

I stifle a laugh.

"What?"

"I said... Good cheese puffs, you son of a bitch."

"Hey, Fez, can I have a puff?" I ask politely.

"They're mine, bitch!"

Hyde chuckles quietly from beneath me as the door opens and Laurie stumbles in. "Hey, Kelso. I thought we'd get together tonight, so take a shower, okay?"

"Laurie, I'm- I'm seeing Jackie tonight," he says confidently.

"Oh, that's so sweet. No, I'll see you at eight."

"But-"

"You heard me!"

"Damn. My second girlfriend is such a drag," he complains as she disappears up the stairs. "This is bad, man."

Fez pops a puff into his mouth. "Yes, but only for you."

"Mike, I warned you about this and you didn't take my advice," I scold. "This was bound to happen."

"Man, stop being right!" he stomps over to the stairs, combing his hands through his hair.

Hyde tosses his comic to the side. "Princess, could you turn on the T.V.?"

I glare down at him. "Do it yourself, lazy ass."

"Fine. Get up."

"No."

He chuckles quietly, kissing me. "Well, then, I don't know what you want me to do."

I brush the hair out of my face and lift my head. "Fez, could you turn the T.V. on?"

"Sure."

"Thank you."

As the device flickers to life, images of Charlie's Angels are projected from the screen.

"Hyde, what is your favorite Charlie's Angel?" Fez asks curiously.

"The blonde with the huge rack," he answers, almost immediately.

"Yes, she distracts the men with her huge rack."

"And she has a huge rack."

I shift uncomfortably, well aware of my smaller chest size.

"Princess, stop moving," Hyde mutters lowly.

A smirk makes its way onto my face and I do the exact opposite. He swiftly grips my hips and changes my position so I have no way of... bothering him if I move.

"Ow, my stomach," Fez says suddenly.

"Put the cheese puffs down. I told you that they aren't good for you," I chide.

"My cheesy, puffy friends have become my enemy."

"You guys, I've got to break up with Laurie," Michael rants, marching back to us.

"Kelso, you know how you plan to juggle both of them until it blows up in your face?" Hyde grins.

"Yeah."

"Well, let's just say... Kablooey!"

"Man, I have to try again. But this time, Laurie will see how much I love Jackie and that my motives are good and pure! Then she'll just let me go!"

"And you and all the leprechauns can ride unicorns to a wonderful celebration in Fairyland!"

I smack his chest lightly before Fez cries out, "Look, the Angels are running in slow motion!"

The boys' attention immediately turns to the screen. "Damn!"

I scoff, standing up. "I'm going home."

"No, Princess, come on!" Hyde whines, not taking his eyes off of the screen but reaching for my hand.

"It's fine," I remark snidely. "I just don't seem to have the same interest in girls' boobs as you guys, so I'll find something more enjoyable to do."

He faces me. "Well, Pam Macy-"

"Watch it," I snarl.

"Look, you have a great rack!"

I raise my eyebrows with my fists on my hips. "Who said anything about my rack?"

"You do have a pretty good rack, Ana," Kelso admits, his eyes glued to the T.V. "I have to go break up with Laurie."

"Thanks, but I don't need your compliments. Just because I don't want to watch you guys ogle at their chests doesn't mean I'm insecure about my own. In fact, I love my body and none of you can change that," I huff, knowing that I'm not being entirely truthful.

Eric trots down the stairs. "Hey, guys, what's- oh, damn."

Fez chivalrously reaches forward and turns the T.V. off.

"Thank you, Fez," I sigh.

"You are welcome. If you stay, I'll give you a cheese puff."

I hesitate before taking a seat on the ragged couch. "Fine."

Eric sits beside me, causing me to be comfortably squished between him and Fez.

We barely even start our card game before Jackie storms into the room, distraught.

"Eric, I just saw Michael kissing your sister," she says with a trembling voice. "He's a rat! He's been cheating on me!"

I bite my lip, focusing my attention on the cards before me.

"What?" Eric says, overdoing his act. "Well, surely there must be some kind of mistake! Right, guys? Come on."

"Well, it sure is a mind-blower," Hyde grumbles.

"So that's it!" she declares. "Michael and I are over!"

"Really?" Fez asks excitedly. "And by 'over', you mean..."

"I mean over and done! Forever!"

"Uh-huh. And by 'forever', you mean..."

"And after everything I put up with! I mean, God, him taking Pam Macy to the prom, setting my house on fire, lying about Laurie... God!"

"To be fair, that's only the stuff you know about," Hyde shrugs.

A beat passes and I can feel Jackie's eyes on me. "Anastasia, why aren't you saying anything?"

I glance at her from the corner of my eye silently.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" she repeats, more urgently.

I look up at her, my eyes softening. "Jackie..."

"Oh my god. You knew? You knew and you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want you to get hurt."

"Come on."

I toss the cards onto the table and follow her to the Formans' front steps, where Donna is already waiting.

We sit down.

"I mean, would it have killed you guys to say, 'I know you love him, but Michael's a jerk?'" she frowns.

"Our exact words were, 'I know you love him, but Michael's a jerk,'" I argue.

"So, have you seen Kelso since?" Donna asks gently.

"No. He's a liar and a cheater," Jackie mutters bitterly. "Ugh. Maybe that's how all guys are."

"I know how you feel. Like, it's bad enough that Eric killed my cat. Then he lied to me."

"Eric killed Mr. Bonkers?" I frown.

"I know. I couldn't believe it."

"Yeah," Jackie says sarcastically. "Eric put off telling you something because he didn't want to hurt you. Whoo! That is so much worse than cheating on you with another woman. Oh, wait. No, it's not!"

"Wow. Maybe Eric was just trying to be nice. I guess I'm overreacting."

"Look, let me tell you something. Until goody-goody Eric cheats on you with your stupid dead cat, I suggest you shut up." She sighs heavily. "Whatever. I'm going to go back to the basement."

We watch as she righteously struts away.

"Donna," I mumble. "All of this talk about guys has me thinking. And I know this is a weird question, but... Are my boobs too small?"

She slowly turns to look at me, a clearly confused expression on her face. "What?"

"The guys were watching Charlie's Angels earlier and there was one of those slow-mo scenes, and... I don't know."

A small smile graces her features. "Ana, your boobs are fine."

"Fine?"

"They're good! And you should consider it a blessing. Less back pain."

I nod.

"If the guys don't like them, well, they can fuck off."

I laugh quietly. "Thanks."

"Yeah. And if you have issues with Hyde, talk about them with him. Dishonesty ruined Jackie and Kelso's relationship, so don't let it ruin yours."

I hold my hands up defensively. "Woah, there. Hyde and I don't have a... romantic relationship."

She raises her eyebrows. "So what do you have? It's not like you guys are having sex right now because you've been holding out on each other. And he kisses you a lot, so I don't know what else to call that."

"Huh," I frown. "I should talk to him about that. About us, I guess."

"Good idea. Do you want to get back to the basement?"

"Let's go."

Upon entering the basement, we notice that Jackie seems to be on the verge of crying, but we cautiously sit on the couch with Eric.

"So, really, breaking up with Michael could be the start of something great! I am a whole new Jackie," she rambles.

Hyde walks in from his room and grabs a pop from the freezer. "Really? 'Cause you're babbling like the old Jackie."

Kelso appears in the doorway, his eyes red as if he's been crying. I soften at the sight of his distraught state, almost sure that he's had no one to really vent to since I've been supporting Jackie.

"Jackie, I've been looking for you," he croaks.

"Here I am," she replies stoically.

Hyde takes a seat on the arm of the couch closest to me. "Oh, this is going to be good."

"Alright," Kelso says softly, approaching his ex. "I've done some terrible and stupid things. Too many to even list."

"Oh, hey, give it a shot, man. I'll help you fill in the blanks," Hyde taunts loudly.

I smack his leg. "Shut up."

"I'm done with the excuses," Mike continues. "And all I can say is, I'm sorry, and I love you. And I will do whatever I can, every day from now on so that you know that's true. So will you please, please... please take me back?"

Her eyes tear up. "Oh, Michael..." Her face hardens. "No. No, you know what? We're through. Forever."

"Woah, didn't see that coming," Hyde jeers, standing up to avoid another hit.

Kelso strides out of the room without another word.

"So, uh..." Jackie says weakly. "That was the smartest thing I've ever done. And um... And the best." She squeaks and we all stand, ready to hug her before she distinctly whimpers, "Hyde."

She brushes right by us and wraps her arms around him, causing him to stumble backward. I tense slightly but sweep the feeling away.

"Why does she always come to me?" Hyde scoffs, wrinkling his nose.

Donna shares a meaningful glance with me, no doubt telling me to ask him about our situation, but I shake my head minimally so that only she can see. She seems to understand that the time isn't right.

"I'm going to go check on Kelso," I mumble uncomfortably.

♜

I'm silent as Michael cries quietly in my arms on my couch. The only sound is the occasional sniffle.

He buries his face into my chest, speaking for the first time in a while. "I just- I miss her so much."

I obviously knew that the inevitable breakup would hurt him, but I didn't think he would be this devastated. Of course, they both aren't taking it well, but it's worse than I imagined. I stroke his hair soothingly. "I know."

"I love her. And I didn't want to lose her, I was... I was stupid and dumb and this is all my fault."

"There's no point in dwelling on what happened. It's over, and that's the sad truth. Maybe..." I falter.

"What?"

"Maybe it was for the best."

His arms tighten around my waist. "How?"

"Were you really, truly happy with her?"

"Well... sometimes she makes me feel really bad about myself, but I love her anyway."

"You guys had to find a way to love each other without causing each other pain, and you didn't succeed. It happens, Mike."

"Shit," he breathes. "You're probably right. It's just that, we've been together for over six months, and it's hard to let go."

"It's okay to cry. Even if you blame yourself or feel like it's not, it's okay. Even though you messed up, you're human, too."

"Thanks, Ana. You're the best."

"You're welcome." I kiss the top of his head. "Do you want a gingerbread man?"

"Yeah."

♜

aw I'm sad now

y'all know that this is the episode where Jackie starts liking Hyde and i was going to have ana and Hyde have a lil chat but conveniently, Jackie starts developing a crush around this time and that means drama muahaha

I'm evil

Anyway, feedback, comments, and votes are always appreciated!

Love you guys,

Lissy