Ｉ ＷＡＮＴ ＹＯＵ ＢＡＣＫ

𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔧𝔞𝔠𝔨𝔰𝔬𝔫 5

♜

I run my hands through Fezzie's hair as I sit behind him on the couch. I notice him clearly staring at Kelso's cards beside him.

"Mike, you're bleeding," I chuckle.

Alarmed, he places his cards down face-up on the table and examines his hands. "What? Where?"

"I mean-"

"Leave it," Steven smirks, not looking up from his own hand.

Donna enters the room excitedly. "Hey, check it out! I got my first story in the school paper!"

"Neat," Eric nods, taking the newspaper from her and skimming over it. "They spelled your name wrong. Apparently, you're 'Donna Pincipotti.'"

"That's funny," Kelso chortles, "'cause it's got the 'potty' sound in it."

"Hey, you know what else is a funny sound?" Donna chimes before smacking him upside the head.

Hyde stands and tosses is cards down onto the table. "Man, where is Jackie with your van? I want to get out of here."

I frown. "You know I can drive you home, right?"

"I don't want to go in your car."

"Hyde, you've been begging to go in there since I caught you making 'vroom vroom' noises in the driver's seat."

His ears turn red. "Well... I put cheese in your car!"

I raise my eyebrows. "Do you want to get beat up?"

"I'm kidding! Damn."

"Jackie just had to help her aunt move a couch," Kelso interrupts.

"Why did you lend Jackie your van?" Fez sighs. "She hates you, man."

"I'm trying to get on her good side, man. This is a small town with a limited number of women. I've already gone all the way through them and now I'm back to Jackie."

Donna and I share amused glances before he adds, "Oh, and I love her."

The girl in question bounces in from outside. "Hey."

"Hey, so, how'd it go, baby?"

"Oh, great. Here," she places the keys in his palm.

"Cool!"

"Yeah. Except for when I crashed your van."

The response elicits a high-pitched squeak from him. "What?"

"Man, I've got to see this," Hyde laughs, dragging us outside with him.

By the time we get outside, Michael looks as if he's about to cry. The back of the van is all dented and smashed, and one of the doors is completely missing from its hinges.

"How did this happen?" the owner of the disgruntled van whimpers. "Jackie, how?"

"Michael, like I said-"

"How?"

"Coming out of the driveway-"

He raises his voice. "How?"

"Kelso, come on, man, relax," Hyde soothes. "Let those of us who aren't you enjoy the moment."

"Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works," Fez shrugs from the inside, accidentally breaking the remaining door down.

"It's okay, Mike. I'm sure you can find someone to repair it," I ease. 

"Hey, Jackie, what happened to the other door?" Eric asks.

"Other door?" she says guiltily.

"Yeah. You know, the thing that always got in the way of this giant, gaping hole."

Kelso notices a pair of drumsticks on the carpet and picks them up. "Jackie, what are these?"

"Uh..." she stutters. "Van sticks."

"No. These aren't van sticks. They're drumsticks! Whose drumsticks are they?"

"Damn, Jackie!" Donna and I chorus, both earning looks from her ex.

"Okay, fine," she admits. "I used your van to drive Chip and his band to a gig."

"Jackie," he utters, "is Chip a girl?"

"Uh... no."

"You've had other guys in my van?"

"You're dating a band?" Hyde pipes up, mumbling a soft "ow" when I hit him.

"It wasn't a date," she protests. "It was a gig."

"Whatever it was, it was a gross misuse of van!" Kelso scolds. "And you owe me money big time!"

"I owe you money? What about all that stuff I bought for you when we were together?"

"That doesn't count! You only gave me that stuff so I'd love you!"

She angrily storms away.

"Man, she ruined my van."

"You're the one who gave it to her," Steven reasons. "It's kind of your fault."

"You shut up!"

♜

An hour later, Jackie and Kelso are still arguing. I tune them out by bopping to Houses of the Holy in the corner of the room.

"D'yer Mak'er? Really?" Hyde criticizes as he lifts a box of records.

"It's one of their best songs!" I defend.

"Why not, like, The Ocean or something?"

"Because I like this one."

"Well, it's an upgrade from Gimme Shelter."

I gasp dramatically. "Gimme Shelter is one of the best songs of all time! Not to mention, my favorite Rolling Stones song."

He smirks in amusement. "Yeah, you're right."

I kiss his cheek quickly. "I know I am."

"You owe me money," Kelso snaps to Jackie.

"Oh my god, shut up," I groan. "I love you guys, but you're not letting me vibe."

The girl ignores me. "Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free."

"Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van," he retaliates. "The shag carpet... uh, eight track... strobe light, black light, red light."

"I hate you."

"Well, I hate you more!"

"I hate you most!"

"Well, I hate you... damn it!"

"Alright, alright," Steven sighs, annoyed at them now that the track has switched to a song he appreciates more. "Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is... a divorce."

"Jackie, you get custody of me," Fez volunteers with an impish grin.

"Yeah, well, I get Ana!" Kelso retorts, pulling me into his side.

Hyde wrinkles his nose at the both of them and picks up a notepad. "Let's figure out what you owe each other."

"Fine!" Jackie throws up her hands. "I'm not afraid! I'm right, and he's a total moocher."

"I'm not afraid either," Michael sneers. "There are laws to protect a man and his van."

"For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847," Hyde teases.

"Right!"

"Okay. Jackie, in your opinion, what does Kelso owe you?"

"Everything!" she scoffs. "Before I met him, he was a total doofus! In fact," she turns to him, "I bought you that belt, so hand it over. And the shirt, too!"

I sidestep away from him as he begins furiously taking off his belt and shirt.

"Fine!" he snaps. "This shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff, anyway!"

"Here, let me do the math," Fez offers, taking the notepad from Hyde. "Okay, now, Kelso... Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you think Jackie owes you?"

"Well, uh, one time, I told her she looked pretty, when really, she looked pretty skanky." She slaps him dangerously. "Also... Also... Hyde, help me out here."

"Okay. Let me think. Oh! Don't forget, he burned your house."

"Hyde!"

"Dude, you burned her house."

♜

I giddily light the incense from Steven's lap, already somewhat baked.

"So," Donna starts, "it turns out that my super-sensitive boyfriend wants me to be a baby machine."

My mood drops slightly. "What a dillhole."

"I know!"

"Donna, I'm sitting right here," Eric reminds us.

"That's why I said it, you dillhole!"

"The only reason I thought you'd stay home with the babies is because only every woman has done it for the history of time."

"That is so typical," Jackie scoffs. "As if every woman wants to spend her life as a pampered housewife, raising the kids and organizing the help! Wait, isn't that what every woman wants?"

I shake my head. "My mom barely touched me when I was a baby. She had maids look after me."

"That's rough, Princess," Hyde agrees. "And Donna, man, Forman's just limited by his experiences. As the voice of a new generation of smart, independent women, you need to make this dillhole realize that a mind and spirit like yours has more options than your mothers had."

"Yeah," she nods. "Sorry, what?"

I giggle into Steven's shoulder, earning a look from Jackie as she tosses me a cupcake.

"Okay, so... are we cool?" Eric asks timidly.

His girlfriend answers by smashing her own cupcake into his face.

Once we've all ridden our highs and Kelso and Fez return, Donna and Eric scatter away.

Just a few minutes later, Michael shivers in nothing but a pair of underwear on the arm of the couch, his clothes strewn across the table. "I'm cold."

Fez plays with a yo-yo. "That must be why your nipples are so pointy."

"Shut up!"

"Oh no, Pointy Nipple Man is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples."

Hyde holds back a laugh. "Okay, that was really disturbing. Here we go. According to my calculations, for repairs to the van, Jackie, you owe Kelso sixty-five dollars."

"Aha! Justice!" the brunette cheers.

"And Kelso, you owe Jackie eight thousand two hundred and sixty-five dollars."

"Aha!" Jackie snaps. "Pay up, moocher!"

Michael gasps. "What? No! No, this is- That's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck!"

"You could've been a man and forgiven her," I shrug. "This wouldn't have happened."

"Wait, but she had other guys in my van!"

"So?" she says. "You had other girls in your van when we were dating! Give me my eight thousand dollars!"

"Okay, I changed my mind. I forgive you."

"What- You can't just-"

"Jackie, he's never going to give you the money, anyway," I sigh. "Just accept the apology."

She crosses her arms. "Fine."

"Great," Kelso nods. "Now, can someone get me some clothes?"

♜

WHOO okay so yes this chapter is probably the shortest one I've ever written for SFTD (sorry!) but the next episode/chapter is the Veteran's Day one and bOY have i got plANs for that one

idk if you'll like the plans or not but i've been waiting for that episode since the garage sale so I'M GOIN THROUGH WITH EM

Anyway, feedback, comments, and votes are always appreciated >:)

Love you guys,

Lissy