ＣＯＭＥ ＡＮＤ ＧＥＴ ＹＯＵＲ ＬＯＶＥ

𝔯𝔢𝔡𝔟𝔬𝔫𝔢

♛

"Okay, guys, road trip checklist," Eric sighs as he, Steven, Fez and I stand by the Cruiser. "Car, check. Okay, we're good. Ana, are you sure we can't take yours?"

I raise my eyebrows at him. "Last time I drove you guys for a long time in my car, you trashed it. So, no."

"Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we go there?" Fez queries.

"The beer is stronger, and, as a result, their women look prettier," Steven answers cooly.

"Then let's haul ass to Canada!"

Eric shushes him. "If my dad finds out we're going to Canada, for beer, no less, he's going to start killing people, okay?"

I rest my head on Steven's shoulder with a coy grin. "He won't kill me."

"Watch it, Volkov."

"Alright!" Kelso yells, running toward us. "Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!"

I wince as he blasts an airhorn.

"Kelso, you're not going," Eric orders.

His face drops. "What? Why not?"

"This is a risky mission," Hyde explains. "You tend to screw these things up."

"Well, why does Ana get to go and not me! She's a girl!"

I choose to ignore the comment.

Steven kisses the top of my head. "She has Russian spy experience."

"Shut up," I laugh.

"I don't screw things up!" Kelso fires. "It's a damnable lie."

"Mike, remember that one time we were going to put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridewell's door and you lit it in the car on the way over?"

He giggles, "Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey."

"And then you panicked and stepped on it?"

"Ana, it was on fire!"

Eric chuckles. "Yeah, okay, you're not going."

"Wait, I won't use the airhorn and I'll pay for the gas... and the beer!"

We glance at Eric, who breaks out into a grin. "I can't stay mad at you! Come on, you big lug."

Before we can get in the car, we spot Leo peering through one of the windows in the backseat. "Hey, dudes. And Spacious."

"Leo, man, what are you doing here?" Steven asks.

He shrugs. "Sittin'. What are you doing here?"

"We're going to Canada to buy beer."

"Cool. I spent some time up there during 'Nam."

"Oh," Eric nods. "Conscientious objector, huh?"

"No, I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man."

"Okay. Let's get going."

We pile into the car and Leo groans. "Aw, don't tell me Crap Shoes is coming."

Michael turns to glare at him. "The bag was on fire!"

♛

"Wow."

"What a view."

"Just like a postcard."

"Yeah, it's amazing," I agree.

"What do you mean? You can't see it."

I gesture to the multiple cases of beer. "Yeah, I can. It's right in front of me."

I turn to see them staring at my ass. I scowl. "Seriously, guys?"

Steven smirks. "You're wearing shorts, Princess, it's kind of hard not to look."

I roll my eyes. "Look at the beer, you dillholes, not me."

"Oh, sure, drinking looks like fun," Leo scoffs, "and all the 'cool kids' do it, but it leads you down a sad, lonely, confused path, man. Do you know why they call it beer?"

"No. Why?"

"I don't know, man, I'm just curious."

Kelso stumbles out of the bushes. "Guys... guess how many countries I've whizzed in. Two!"

"Alright, let's get going," Steven says, brushing it off. "We're almost at the border, so everyone's got their IDs, right?"

We all mumble affirmatively until Fez pats his pockets nervously. "Oh, no. I think I lost my green card."

"Damn, Fez!" Eric exclaims. "Where was the last place you had it?"

"If I knew that, I would have it now, you son of a bitch!"

"Alright, hey, Fez, take it easy," Kelso soothes unsuccessfully.

"No, you take it easy! They're going to throw me in Canadian jail! Have you seen Midnight Express? Well, it's like that, but with hockey sticks."

"Great, now we're screwed," Steven mumbles.

"No," I interject. "You know what? We're going to figure this out. Fez, get in the trunk under that blanket and stay quiet."

He climbs in and Steven pushes a case of beer against him to block him for the view of anyone peering in.

"Ay, what if I can't breathe?" Fez frowns.

"Just take a deep breath, man," Leo inhales, "and visualize yourself breathing."

"Okay, now, when we get to the checkpoint, everyone just act cool," Hyde warns us. "And by 'everyone', I mean 'Mr. Crap Shoes'."

"It was on fire!"

♛

Finally, we pull up to the border and stop as an officer approaches the car.

Steven drapes his arm over my shoulders. "Alright, just act cool. We've got nothing to hide."

"You've got something to hide, eh?" the officer asks us, peering in through the window.

"Oh, no," Eric chuckles. "He said we've got nothing to hide."

"Yeah, well, around here, we don't really make a point of saying we've got nothing to hide if we've really got nothing to hide."

I rub Steven's thigh soothingly when I feel him tense up.

"Cultural differences, wow," Eric covers easily.

"We're all Americans!" Kelso insists. "Every one of us!"

He peers at all of us and nods. "Alright. Move along."

"Thank you, sir," I smile.

As he walks back to his booth, the sound of a bottle cap popping and liquid fizzing breaks the silence.

"Stop right there," the officer orders.

He opens the trunk and pulls back the blanket, revealing Fez with a bottle to his lips.

"Hey," he says nerviously. "You found me! You... win a beer!"

"Alright, all of you, out!"

We all climb out, including Fez, who is punched in the arm by Kelso as the Cruiser is taken to a parking lot nearby and we're escorted to the customs office.

We plop down around a cold metal table with two guards watching us.

"See?" Leo scoffs. "Beer is evil. I'm not going to say I told you so, man, but I will say this. I told you so, man."

"Beer never hurt anyone, my friend," one of the guards sighs. "You're well within the legal limit on that."

The other guard finishes for him. "But you're over the limit on foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country!"

Kelso stands. "Well, what is the legal limit on that?'

"The limit is zero, you hoser!"

"Damn it!"

"Hey! I'd keep a civil tongue in my head if I were you. We could throw you in jail right now! We're the Mounties! We answer to no one."

"Look, sir, Fez just lost his green card," I explain. "We didn't want any trouble."

"Lost his green card?" the second guard sneers down at me. "Seems a little convenient, eh?"

"Quick, Ana, show them your boobs," Michael snaps.

The Mountie scowls at him as Hyde punches him in the arm. "You Americans are so rude to your women. We don't fall for that kind of thing."

"You got us," Steven jokes. "We're here to take over your country."

Eric laughs uncomfortably. "Hyde, I know it seems funny when you say stuff like that, but, um, don't."

"No one leaves until we get answers, eh?" the guard huffs.

"Eh?" the other echoes.

They look at each other and repeat, in unison, "Eh?"

They instruct us each to sit down while the others step out of the room so they can interrogate us. When it's my turn, I cross my legs politely and do my best to use all the manipulation tactics that mother and father dearest have taught me over the years.

"What are you doing in Canada?" they ask me.

"We came to buy beer, sir. You truly have an amazing country. It's beautiful, and I'd like to come back here on a vacation one day."

They peer at each other, then back at me. "Yes," one of them says, "she's being truthful, at least."

The other paces around me. "What's your business in Canada?"

I frown. "Well, like I said, sir, we came to buy beer. Do you have any recommendations for places to see if I ever visit again?"

"Oh, yes, actually. The-"

"Tremblay, be quiet," the other snaps. "Why did you come to Canada?"

I crack a disbelieving smile. Are they serious? I decide to fuck with them a bit, just because they don't seem like they hate me.

"Uh, my boyfriend came here to nail Margaret Trudeau, and I came along 'cause she's pretty hot."

Tremblay shakes his head. "They should worship their women. Call the others in."

The other guard opens the door and the boys and Leo shuffle in. Steven stands behind me and rests his chin on the top of my head while I hold his hands. Tremblay looks at him disgustedly and I have to refrain from giggling.

"You guys are in real trouble," he chides, "if you did what we think you did."

"What do you think we did?" Eric asks worriedly.

"What do you think we think you did?"

Steven weaves his fingers with mine. "What do you think we think you think we did?"

"Something involving a foreign kid in the back of a car! That much is for sure!"

The other guard nods. "And now we're going to get some answers?"

"What are you going to do, torture us?"

Kelso scoffs. "Yeah, are you going to make us listen to Anne Murray records?"

I smack the boys one by one as they laugh at his joke.

"Hey!" Tremblay barks. "She's a wonderful performer! And you're not funny!"

"No, no, I think what we're going to do," the first guard threatens, "is call your parents."

"Oh, Eric, Red is going to kill you!" Fez gasps. "Oh, I mean... ooby dibby dooby."

"Call mine," I insist.

"Princess-"

"They won't care anyway, Steven."

The first Mountie picks up the phone but doesn't dial, since Kelso stops him. "No! We had to smuggle Fez! It was the only way for him to see this great country with its... spacious skies and... fruited waves of plain! And... O, Canada, our home and native land-"

"Nice try, kid."

Eric joins in. "True patriot love in all thy sons' command-"

"It's not going to work!"

Steven nudges me and we attempt to join, even though I barely know the lyrics. "With glowing hearts, we see thee rise, the true north strong and..."

Leo stands, urging us to continue. "From far and wide, o Canada, we stand on guard for thee! God, keep our land glorious and free."

The Mounties, surprisingly, join us. "O, Canada, we stand on guard for thee! O, Canada, we stand on guard for thee!"

"You sure are good kids," one of them smiles, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Thanks, man," Leo grins.

"You know, there must be some way to put this all behind us."

"We'll give you our beer," Kelso offers.

The Mountie gasps and holds him by the shoulders. "Oh, God bless you, son!"

"My green card!"

The six of us turn to Fez, who holds his green card in his hand. "I hid it in my right shoe for safekeeping! I even made up a rhyme so I would remember. My green card in my right shoe. Something, something, right shoe."

Tremblay checks the card. "Okay. You're good."

"Yeah, we'll just grab our beer and get on out of here," Steven chuckles, trying to be smooth.

"Oh, we're keeping the beer. Now..." he opens the door. "...leave Canada, please."

♛

WHOO

What an adventure

LaUv

As always, feedback, comments, and votes are appreciated!

Love you guys,

Lissy