Evelyn's eyes narrowed as she glared down at the worn leather journal staring up at her from her desk. The cover was a pale brown, the soft leather engraved with designs of leaves and flowers, the edges peeling from its age. Marie said it had been hers in high school, but she had never gotten the chance to use it.

It seemed to taunt her, to challenge her, as if it already knew that she would never work up the courage to open it and begin to write. Stupid thing. The barrage of raindrops currently hitting her bedroom window only made her more anxious, and the gray blanket of clouds in the November sky seemed to be caving in on her as she struggled through the debate between her heart and her head.

Her head was telling her that this innocent little notebook would eventually help bring her peace, and perhaps closure, if she kept up with it long enough. At least, that's what Marie's therapist friend Linda had told her when she recommended that she give Evelyn a journal to work through her feelings since she refused to talk about him with anyone.

"I'm fine, Marie. I don't need to write in a silly little diary everyday to 'feel better.' I've been fine without it for two months now," she had told her aunt that morning when she came downstairs to find the journal on the table before school.

Marie had sighed, taking her hands as she pleaded with her niece. "Ev, I know you say you're okay, which I guess on the outside it looks like you are. You still do everything and talk to everyone the way you did before but something is just... different. It's like you're empty, and the shell of you is still here with me, but my Evvy is gone and I just want her to come back."

When Evelyn had not answered, Marie continued. "I know you well enough to know that you're trying your best to show everyone that you're perfectly fine but I also know that Jasper hurt you." Evelyn had visibly stiffened at the sound of his name, but still her aunt persisted. "Linda says that this could really help you finally process what happened. At least give it a try, honey. I want to say to do it for me and your friends, but it's more important that you do it for yourself. It's time to move on, sweetheart."

Evelyn had snapped again that she was fine, and left for school that morning irrationally angry at her aunt for trying to fix something that wasn't hers to fix. But the more time she had to think about it, the more she realized that the façade she so stubbornly refused to drop did not fool anyone the way she thought it did. She had spent the last few months constructing what she believed to be an elaborate mask to hide all of the pain that was underneath; she was tired of feeling weak, tired of being pitied, and for once in her life all she wanted was to be strong. So she shoved all of the hurt and broken pieces of her heart deep down inside her, hoping that one day she would simply forget and move on.

She had thrown herself into anything and everything she could, desperate to escape the memories of Jasper that haunted her in the moments of quiet stillness. She decided to play basketball, and spent a majority of her time working out in the gym to physical exhaustion so that when she slept, she was too tired to dream of him. She worked extra shifts at Marie's diner, nagged Jessica and Angela to go out, and stayed up late to finish her schoolwork for the day. As a result, she now had permanent dark circles under her eyes and a ghostly pale complexion that never seemed to go away. She was tired, and everyone around her knew it.

But still she sometimes found herself alone in her room in the darkness of night, and that's where the memories of him would be waiting for her. She would lie awake with the cold winter air slipping through the walls and slithering through the cracks in her mask, and think of all the beautifully tragic memories she now was forced to bear. Every kiss, every touch, every laugh played through her mind on repeat, and she could only wonder where she went wrong... where was her misstep? Where was the stepping stone where everything had fallen apart? Everything had seemed so perfect, and still he had left. Still, he was not here.

The logical part of her knew that the journal would probably help in the long run, but the problem was that she would finally have to confront her feelings. Writing them out would make them real, and she would have to tear down the precarious walls she had desperately built to hold the hurricane of emotions at bay. She would have to endure the flood that came along with processing her grief, and she was afraid she would not be strong enough to get through it.

So she sat completely still at her desk, mind racing and heart pounding as she stared at the book. Was she ready to finally face her pain? Was she ready to move on, to let go? It had been two months now, surely it was time to start putting her life back together.

With a determined glint in her eyes, she picked up a pen, opened to the first yellowed page of the journal, and slowly, cautiously, began to write.

***

November 4, 3:30 pm
I don't know how to do this. I was never good at keeping these things before... sketching always came much easier for me than words did. But I don't even do that anymore, so this is all I have right now. Marie and that therapist lady say that this will be "good for me" and all that so I guess it's worth a shot.

I guess I can start from the beginning. I was not good for a while after he left. I'm talking the crying all the time, lost-feeling kind of not good. I haven't felt that way since Mom and Dad died, and looking back now I feel so stupid for it. I never thought I would be the type to cry over a boy but there I was, crying myself to sleep every night and wishing that he would come back. But he never did, and he still hasn't, and I know now that he won't... not ever.

I'm not sleeping very well, so that's making things that much harder. I'm too afraid to sleep because I know I'll only dream of him. It makes it hurt that much more when I wake up and remember that he's still gone.

The worst part is I didn't just lose him. I lost all of them, and it feels like I lost my family all over again. I miss them all so much. I miss cooking with Esme in their kitchen, I miss Emmett and his teasing, I miss talking all night with Rose and listening to Carlisle's stories. I miss Alice and our Port Angeles shopping trips... I even miss Edward and the piano lessons he was giving me, and just spending time with him because he was like my brother and I'm still so pissed at him for leaving me and Bella behind. None of them even said goodbye, and to be honest I hate them all a little for that, too.

I thought I was doing bad, but it's nothing compared to how Bella is dealing with all of this. For a long time I was at her house every day because Charlie was too scared to leave her alone. She has these awful nightmares, and no one else at school really makes an effort with her anymore. She is a zombie at school and all she does at home is sit in her chair and look out the window.

I understand what she's going through, but honestly, I'm a little upset with her, too. We were both hurting the exact same way, and I thought we would be able to help each other since we were the only ones we could to talk to about our situation. But she's just gone. I put in so much effort to make sure she's okay, and I still am because she's my friend, but I needed a friend too. I needed her, too, and she wasn't there for me. I know better than to tell someone how to grieve, but I can't help feeling like she abandoned me when I needed her to lean on.

I just don't feel like myself anymore. I'm so bitter and angry now and I don't know how to control it. It's like every piece of me that he touched has rotted and died, leaving a scattered and broken framework of who I used to be behind. I don't know, maybe I'm just being dramatic, but I know Marie is right when she says that Evelyn is not here anymore. And to be honest, I don't know how to get her back.

Evelyn

***

November 10, 8:42 am
I didn't sleep any better last night. I stayed up looking through the shoebox where I keep all of my pictures and drawings of him and just cried. Trying to process this feels like losing him all over again. There were even a few of the letters he wrote me. I know I shouldn't have read them, but I did. He always had a beautiful way with words, and those letters are filled with nothing but love and adoration for me. I know he was lying to me that day that he left. I know he loved me. He wouldn't have written those things for me if he didn't.
The box is still underneath my bed. I don't think I'm going to open it again.

Evelyn

***

November 16, 11:53pm
Today was hard. Angela asked about him at lunch and I didn't know what to say. All I could think about was how much I wished that he was here. I hate that I miss him but I do, and I'm afraid that I'll always miss him no matter how much time passes. It doesn't help that Forks seems to be mocking me; the sky is constantly gray, and the cold is bitter and unforgiving. I hate it. I feel like I'm suffocating here. There are reminders of him everywhere. I just wish I could talk to someone. Or just disappear. I feel so out of place right now.

Evelyn

***

December 8, 3:03 am
I had a dream about our meadow. It was warm, the sun was out, and he was there. I didn't see him, but he had his arms wrapped around me from behind and for the first time in a long time I felt safe... at peace. I cried when I woke up.

I wonder if he ever thinks of me. Probably not as much as I think about him.

Evelyn

***
December 12, 5:21 pm
I tried to draw again today. It was okay, I sat outside even though it was freezing cold. It snowed yesterday, so the quiet was nice. The cold air is sharp, but it helps me clear my head and feel present.

Lately I've been feeling like my life was running on a tape, and the moment Jasper left it paused. I go back and try to find where things went wrong, but it seems impossible. It just stops on the moment he told me that he never loved me. I've been trying so hard to figure out how to start it again, and I think today helped finally get it moving. I feel good for the first time in a while.

I only drew the woods behind my house. It's not my best, but it was nice to sort of feel like myself again.

Love,
Evelyn

***
December 20, 10:06 pm
We won our game tonight. Marie, Charlie, and Bella were there, too. It felt good to celebrate with my teammates and family. Today was also the last day of school before Christmas. I'm a little worried about that... I'm scared that if I have too much free time that I'll start thinking about the Cullens again and things will go back to how they were.

In other news, tonight was the first time something good happened where I didn't think about Jasper or wish he was there. I was just proud of me, and that was good enough.

Love,
Evelyn

***

December 24, 9:49 pm
Charlie and Bella came over for Christmas, along with the Clearwaters. It was really nice. Marie made the classic Christmas ham dinner and Harry and Sue brought fish fry. I can see why it's famous. They're very sweet people, especially Seth. It was really fun to laugh and joke again. I didn't feel like I had to pretend like I do at school and at basketball practice. I even liked Leah. She reminds me of Rose in a way... she has this hard exterior that she shows people to try and scare them off but when you look underneath she is soft, and kind. I see it in the way she looks at her family.

Bella is the same. I don't talk about the Cullens around her anymore because she starts to grab at her chest like she is in pain and it honestly scares me a little. I wish I could help her but I don't know how.

I used to imagine what spending Christmas with Jasper would be like. How quickly things have changed.

Love,
Evelyn

***
January 1, 2:03 am
Well, it's officially a new year. It's strange to think that a year ago, I was still living in Chicago. Things have changed so much since then... I've changed so much since then.

We went to the Clearwaters' for new year's tonight. Charlie came too, but Bella was still at home. She is still the same as when the Cullens left. I'm worried, and so are Marie and Charlie. I think he's thinking about sending her to Jacksonville. Obviously I don't want her to leave, but maybe it's better for her to get out of Forks for a while. There's too many painful memories here.

Anyway, tons of Seth and Leah's friends were there too, so it was nice to meet some new people. Jacob was there, and he introduced me to Quil and Embry. He asked a lot about Bella, but I only told him the bare minimum. I don't want to worry him, too.

Marie offered Leah a job at the diner since she wants to have some spending money, and it sounds like she's going to take it. I'm kind of excited, to be honest... it'll be nice to have someone my age around.

Love,
Evelyn

***
January 7, 7:27 am
Today is the last day before school starts. I'm honestly glad to go back; I missed the distraction it gave me.

Some days are still hard, but more and more everything is getting better. I still dream of him sometimes, but I don't wake up crying or feeling like my chest is collapsing anymore. I just feel sad because I miss him, but it's not that painful anymore. I guess this is what acceptance feels like. I know he won't come back, but I think I'm finally starting to be okay with that.

I'm drawing all the time now. I need to redecorate my walls after I tore everything down in September. Marie bought me a set of paints and a few canvases for Christmas, so I think I might try that soon. Maybe it will help me feel closer to my mom; she always painted the most beautiful paintings.

I wish they were still here. I wish they could tell me what to do on the days where I feel so lost that I don't want to get out of bed. It's almost been a year since they died... I don't know if I'm ready for that day, yet. I miss them so much.

Love,
Evelyn

***
January 20, 4:17 pm
I look back through this journal and I can honestly say I'm so proud of myself for how far that I've come. I remember feeling like writing everyday was going to destroy me, but I think it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I never thought words would help in place of my art, but they did, and I'm so grateful to Marie for thinking of me like she always does. She always seems to know what's best for me.

The anniversary is in 3 days, my birthday in 11. Marie asked if I wanted to fly back to Chicago to visit their graves, but honestly that's the last thing that I want. I want to remember them alive and happy, not buried underground with only a stone to prove that at some point, somewhere, they lived.

I hope they would be proud of me if they saw me today, because I'm proud of me. I've pulled myself through so much this past year, and I've learned that I don't need to rely on anyone else for my happiness.

I still have some days where I'm sad, but those are few and far between. The pain is fading, and now I'm left with only the happy moments that I'll cherish forever. They are the proof that I have loved and been loved by someone else, and I think that's a beautiful thing.

There's only one more page left of this journal... and I think I know exactly what I want to do with it.

Love,
Evelyn