———
s3ep10
———

it had been nearly a month since charlie had told effy about his upcoming move and two weeks since he had been gone.

effy and her family had waved him off under tears, effy promising to facetime him every other night and visit him as soon as possible (over the christmas holidays, which her parents had promised her)

effy wasn't the same without charlie around and her whole family was well aware of that fact, trying to take her mind off of things and deal with the situation, while they all watched her slowly drift away from reality.

now, the family was spread around jays and gloria's pool, bathing in the sun.

"ay, finally!" gloria stood up

"look who's wearing her itsy—bitsy bikini" cam joked, holding onto lily's hand.

effy was laying next to gloria, who had left her seat, to welcome mitch, cam and lily.

"guess who's not coming for christmas" mitch said, phone still in hand. "mom.. she canceled, in a voicemail no less"

"unbelievable" claire said "and by that i mean.. believable"

"why isn't nana coming?" asked haley

"yeah, did something happen to her? is she alright?" effy wondered

"no, no sweetie" mitch tried to calm down effy "is just something about her new boyfriend whisking her away on a cruise"

"i just got my gift" jay interrupted from his place in the launch chair

"what boyfriend?" claire asked, ignoring her father

"carl, the cruise ship captain" alex answered like it was obvious

"oh yeah" effy nodded "she met him in a bar this summer"

claire looked between her daughters confused

"it was in her holiday newsletter" alex explained

"oh i can't read that whole thing. no."

"yeah, after two pages about the bird she rescued?" cam threw back his head

"and by the way, i don't think you can say you rescued something if it dies" phil added

"it died?"

"she wrote a poem about it"

"a little too free with the free verse for my taste" manny exclaimed sitting by the pool next to luke "but fine, we'll call it a poem"

"i stopped reading after she talked about suing her book club" mitch was aggressively rubbing sunscreen on his arms

"oh, i stopped reading after 'dear friends, family and others'. i'm sorry, who are 'others'?"

"me" gloria raised her hand smiling

"actually she's kind of at her best at christmas. she makes a mean cookie"

"what other kind could she possibly make? come on" claire rolled her eyes, effy could tell that, even though her mother was wearing sunglasses

"ay, its so sad that you guys are not gonna be with your mom this christmas" gloria said

"it's fine" mitch shrugged

"yeah" claire added "it's more than fine. let's just... can we move off of mom?"

"yes please"

"yeah and the upside now, mitchell, we can spend christmas in missouri, where it actually feels like christmas"

"wait hang on a second" claire interrupted cam "just because mom isn't coming doesn't mean we're not gonna spend christmas together. i mean.. it's about family"

"who do you think we're seeing in missouri, claire? the oak ridge boys?"

"hold on" jay intervened "i thought we were all getting together christmas eve this year. we're on a flight to mexico the twenty—fifth"

"what do you mean, you're getting on a flight on the twenty—fifth?"

"you two needed time time with your mom. i've already served my time with your mom"

"i'm gone the twenty—fifth as well, remember mom?" effy exclaimed from her seat, which made the family turn in her direction

"where are you going?" mitch asked confused

"i'm visiting charlie"

"oh right" claire exclaimed, clasping a hand to her head "you're going to sacramento, i totally forgot"

"well, when are we gonna have christmas, then?" mitch asked, claire pulled out her ipad, scrolling through the calendar "what do you say about next weekend, because we don't leave until the twenty—first, right?"

"yeah we leave tomorrow and we don't come back until the twenty first, and then the twenty—fifth effy is gone" claire replied frowning "are we saying that this is the last time we're all going to be together as a family until after the holidays?"

"well, this stinks"

"we always spend christmas together"

"who dreamed this up?"

"yeah, we have to do something about it"

everyone was hysterically talking over on another

"ho, ho, hold up a sec" phil raised a finger "we're all free today. we've got four hours to shop, cook, wrap, get a tree. by tonight, we could be celebrating christmas, right?"

"i guess we can do that" mitchell nodded

"of course we can" phil stood up "have you ever heard of express christmas?"

"no" effy and haley slowly shook their heads

"no you haven't, because i just invented it. express christmas, t.m., it's when you can't have it on christmas day—"

"yeah we got it" cam smiled

"we're wasting time" phil panicked "everyone in the house! we'll make a plan! time is of the— ow! hot! hit! that's just too hot!" he threw away the ipad, before he jumped into the pool.

———

the family was gathered in the living room of jay's and gloria's house.

"so, we're really doing that, huh?" jay asked

"yes, dad. let's go" mitchell said enthusiastically

"'cause i had stuff lined up for christmas eve"

"ya jay" gloria nodded "it's manny's last chance to enjoy a family christmas"

"until last year you mean, right?" manny asked from his position in the armchair.

luke leaned forward "well, with all the snatchings.."

"get out of my head, luke"

"okay, who's gonna get the tree?"

"oh, oh, i will" mitchell raised his hand "because, you know, get the wrong kind, people get upset"

claire folded her towel, before she sent mitch a pointed look "you get upset"

"i'm people"

"fine" phil nodded, breaking up the potential fight between the pritchett siblings "i'll get the turkey. what about gifts?"

"jay did we finish shopping?"

"yeah, but we're not wrapped"

"oh i can help with that" cam said ""we have a mobile wrapping station. god has that things paid for itself"

"really?" mitchell grinned uncomfortably "cause i feel like i paid for it"

"okay, we've got lights and ornaments at our place" phil closed the last button on his arm

"oh you know what'd be great is the angel" mitch and claire gushed at each other

"yeah, where is it?" both of them looked at jay

"ehh, gloria" said mitch "it's up in your attic. would you get it?"

"ay, no, not the attic! it's dirty, and there are spiders"

"luke and i can help you" effy smiled at gloria

"ay thank you, cariña!"

"oh good" manny nodded happily "you won't find me in any attic"

"that's exactly where they'll find you" muttered luke

"mom!"

"ugh, i have a party tonight. you promised i could go if i got a 'b' on my test" said haley next from effy. "i studied, i read stuff. what was the point of all that?"

"the point, young lady, was..."

phil interrupted claire before she could finish her sentence "who can remember? express christmas will be done by 9:00. claire, i'll text you the gift list, you and haley do the shopping. manny" he clasped his hands onto manny's shoulders "you're coming with me. we're gonna get groceries. dinner, our house, 6:00. let's move! on dasher, on dancer, in prancer and vixen!"

the family left the house loudly speaking over each other.

———
"when you said you would help me, i thought you would crawl up there as well" gloria was leaning against the ladder, effy next to her, while luke was up on the attic

effy shrugged "luke likes to search for things, he's fine"

gloria smiled at the girl, knowing exactly that she often out—smarted her brother when she needed him to do something, even if he was older.

"luke!" gloria called

"at what?" luke asked

"what do you mean, at what? i said 'luke'"

"i am looking"

"can you hold the ladder?" effy stepped forward and held the ladder while gloria climbed up to look at the boy "i know you are. stay on the beams. maybe it's here?"

"did you find it?"

"ay, dios mío! el diablo is back!" gloria screamed in distress

"are you alright?" effy asked concerned, but she wasn't answered, gloria just came back down.

"what is so special about that angel, anyways?"

"i don't know" said luke "i guess nana made it for mom and uncle mitchell when they were kids"

"ay, that's nice"

"ow!"

effy wanted to ask her brother if he was okay, but gloria spoke first. "look where you're going"

"to open more boxes"

suddenly luke's foot broke through the ceiling. gloria and effy exchanged a panicked gaze.

"oh you said 'look where you're going', didn't you?"

"yes"

"every time you say 'luke' i think you're saying 'look'"

"i don't here the difference"

"it's not that hard" luke said sympathetically "one is my name"

"juan is not your name!" gloria scolded "stop kidding around and look, luke... ay i get it! 'look' sounds like 'luke'"

"yes" exclaimed effy and luke at the same time

"i've been carrying that one around for three years"

"okay then i will say it!" effy said loudly "look for the angel, luke. we don't have all day"

"ha! i found it" after a few more minutes, luke came down the ladder.

"alright, let's get in the car" gloria and the two kids walked out of the house. luke got to claim the front seat while effy sat in the back.

"huh never saw this before" luke said, the angel still in his hands "an angel for my angels, love, mom"

"ay that's beautiful"

"and it smells like mothballs, just like nana"

"luke" gloria scolded

"she doesn't, doofus!"

"look!" luke pointed onto the street in front of them

"ay, yes! i said luke" gloria took her eyes off the street "you told me already. i did it right"

"gloria" effy screamed

"no! look!" luke pointed forward again

the three of them screamed as gloria drove over the christmas tree on the street.

"never look back, kids! never!"

"who leaves their christmas tree on the street?" effy wondered

"are you both alright?" gloria asked after a few seconds of silence.

"yeah" luke and effy chorused

"that's because we had that guardian angel... ay, a spider!" she held the angel in hand, before she threw it out of the opened car deck.

"no" effy said as she turned around to watch the angel be driven over

gloria pulled the car to the side and her and the kids tried to save what was still left.

"how is she?" gloria asked luke and effy later in the dunphy house. they had done their best to glue the angel back together, not really succeeding though.

"we got the tire marks off her wings, but we can't get her head to stay on" luke answered

"okay" gloria nodded "that's what this is for" she took her gum out of her mouth and stuck it on the angels neck, glueing its head back on "now, stick it in the top of the tree with the good part facing out. go on"

gloria and the kids got back into the living room, acting as normal as they could, when mitch came through the door carrying a half of a christmas tree.

"here comes the tree"

"and here comes more of the tree" alex walked in behind him, carrying the other half, lily following with an branch.

"what happened?" gloria, luke and effy exchanged a look.

"well, uh, someone ran over it. but that's okay, 'cause we are gonna put it back together"

"right now" alex nodded

"it's gonna need a lot of gum" gloria remarked

"oh thank god, here comes phil and the butterball" claire took one of the shopping bags out of her husbands hand.

"i have a name" manny rolled his eyes

"huh?"

"i am so sorry, but there is no turkey" phil said, his voice slightly shaking

"there's no turkey?" claire repeated "what's the plan, phil?"

"cornish game hens" he held up a package "if you get real close, they look like turkeys and everyone gets their own"

"sounds like fun" jay muttered

"not fun, not fun! i asked you to pick up a cooked turkey" claire inspected the packaged hens

"the store was out of turkeys, it was an hour to express christmas. please just make it work, okay? please"

"not even defrosted"

"fine, claire" phil said loudly "you want 'em defrosted?"

"yeah"

phil took out a taser "merry" he shocked the first package "freaking" the second "christmas" and the third, while his family screamed in shock.

"is that my stun gun?" gloria asked nonchalantly

"yep and it works great" phil raised his arm, quickly losing his hood on the taser and letting it fall to the ground.

"okay, okay" claire stuttered "um, we can make this work. this can work. dad, you and mitchell reassemble that tree"

"alright" jay nodded

"and i am going to defrost these birds and well cook 'em in shifts, and we'll just push dinner back by a bit"

"oh, how long? 'cause i still have my party" haley perked up

before anyone could answer her, jay spoke up "what the hell happened to the angel?"

"no!" gloria said quickly "the real question here is how come we still have that dog butler?"

"oh, you found him, huh?"

mitchell had taken the angel in his hand to inspect him "well, this things is.. it's filthy and" suddenly he was holding the head in his other hand, separating it from the body "what happened?"

"it got run over"

"probably by the same maniac who ran over the tree" luke added

effy nodded her head "we all had our problems today"

"oh my god is that.." mitchell drew his hand back quickly "yep, that's gum. ok i'm out. i'm done, no, no turkey, no tree and now this looks like the lady she used to be before she died and became an angel"

"alright, relax, mitchell. it's an ornament" claire said fed up

"no, he's right, we'll never gonna get this together" haley got up from her chair "i'm going to my party"

"no, no. no, you're not" claire stepped in her way "you are not. you're staying right here, because you're not going to abandon your family on christmas." claire's voice grew into a whisper

"it's not christmas" haley matched her tone

"exactly!" mitchell called and the whole family broke into protest, agreeing that it indeed wasn't.

"okay, fine, fine" claire said and the others got silent "you know what? i am really tired of trying to make this work on my own. i will see you people in a year"

"and nine days" alex added

"no! nobody goes anywhere! i know what the problem is here. you two miss your mommy" gloria pointed at claire and mitchell

"i do not miss my mommy" claire scoffed

"admit it. it's sad. she used to make you cookies, the angel. now, she talks to you in a newsletter, and she cancels for no reason. come here, my little ones" gloria opened her arms

"no, it's fine. we're good" mitchell said, while coming closer "it's not a big deal"

"it's christmas, you need a mommy"

"you're not our mommy"

"and it's not christmas" gloria smiled "come here" she hugged the both tightly

"can i put in my two cents on fake christmas?" jay asked

"express christmas" phil corrected

"let it go, phil. it's not sticking"

"it needs time"

"we all gave it our best shot to make this thing work" jay went on "it just didn't happen, alright? what do we say we cut our losses? let's go out to a nice chinese restaurant and have a traditional jewish christmas"

"but i risked my life grocery shopping" manny argued

"save that story for wang fu. now, let's go. come on, everybody. on me!"

the family walked out of the house together. but when they opened the front door they were met with snow being blasted into the from yard. they all hugged jay and got out to play.

"family is family. wether it's the one you start out with. the one you end up with or the family that you gain along the way. which makes every day december sixteen.

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A/N
so sorry for not updating in such a long time! hope this chapter can make up for it <3

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