i𝙩𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 20𝙩𝙝 𝙤𝙛 𝙖𝙪𝙜𝙪𝙨𝙩 2019, 𝙎𝙪𝙜𝙖𝙧𝙥𝙤𝙥'𝙨 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙚 𝙚𝙥𝙞𝙨𝙤𝙙𝙚

By some miracle Bongcha's trembling legs lifted her up to the podium. The blinding stage lights and murmuring audience made her panicked heart pound faster. If she failed, she  would have to look them in the eye. Just the thought of facing their piercing stares made her stomach turn . Even though Bongcha had enough dread to drown any other possible  thoughts, she could not help but fixate on her fellow contestants. Her heart hurt seeing Bo trying not to cling to her arm and little Guckhyeon dig her nails into her palms. The blind young confidence in Pinhan's eyes had dissolved into a pool of insecurity and even Jiusi seemed to be lacking the hungry spark that made everyone around her melt. It was as if there  ,in front of those cameras, those judges and those people, the wonderful girls that forced their way into Bongcha's heart, all became nothing.

But of all of the girls, Bongcha caught herself worrying the most about Aoi, the girl's shaking figure standing beside her.  Aoi's make up did a terrible job of hiding her puffy eyes and red nose and she trembled so hard it looked as if a breeze could break her in two . 

She needs to debut,  the thought involuntarily came to Bongcha's mind, worrying for someone else is just get you heartbroken, she tried to reason with herself but her eyes couldn't leave the girl . As Aoi shook, a firm hand came to meet her's. Hina.

She gave Aoi a soft smile and whispered something soothing in Japanese. Oh sweet Hina, even at her breaking point all she could do was worry for others. A weird calm feeling  came through Bongcha's chest in form of a deep breath, amidst all of this uncertainty at least Hina was sure to debut. In a matter of minutes, the frozen panic hiding in the japanese girl's throat would turn into relief and she could take a moment to be proud of herself. If everything went to shit, at least Bongcha could live with having the privilege to see a happy and carefree Hina, running around the stage distributing hugs like they were nothing.

The only person that didn't seem to give into the trend of dread  that loomed over the stage, was the girl sitting on Bongcha's other side. May looked as unbothered as ever, which both immensely concerned Bongcha and made her blood boil like crazy . If May could keep her cool, she should be able to do it too. The clear vulnerability in her face next to May's stoicism made her feel weak, ashamed,  like she should push the sadness down her chest and toughen the fuck up. But underneath all of that, the Daegu native knew her unnie was  exceptional at burying her own  feelings and it was best for her to try and crack her open . With all of Bongcha's staring, May was quick to catch  her eye and her intentions and for a split second,  a small window of  nervousness over having her act discovered opened inside the older girl's pupils.

" This show means nothing " May spit out,  her harsh authoritarian tone exposing her attempt at making it seem like she didn't care. 

" I really wish you were right " Bongcha squeezed May's hand, a sad smile hanging over her face. It was life and death for her, but it was also just a reality show.

The stage lights flickered on like a shot to the back of head, suddenly it was all happening. 

" Dear viewers!! Hello, I'm your lovely host,  Jeon Jungshik  " The girl's tormentor entered the stage with a hateful smile and a shining sleak suit.

  " As you know... TODAY IS THE DAY! The day where the nation's next sensation,  SugarPop,  will be created. Girls...... " He turned to the contestants stading in the podium.  " Most of your solo  performances last episode impressed the judges......except those who didn't. It was an honor  for me and for our audience, to watch you through this journey, but now it is the time to see, for which of you this journey will truly be worth it. "

" After taking into consideration all your previous scores and ranks, without further a due  ,these are SUGARPOP'S  the top 8!!! "

The big screen on the back of the stage light up,a pink numbered list with eight placements appeared. The audience roared widly , yelling names and numbers like they were betting on horses.  Amidst the noise, a delicate deafening pling echoed through the concert hall and Jiusi's smiling  face showed up beside the number eight.

The force of Jiusi's heeled boot hitting the podium felt like the earth was cracking from its very core . The hong konger whispered a relieved  "fuck yeah" in cantonese before offering her peers a beaming Miss Hong Kong smile.
All the girls surrounded her, struggling to find a way to be happy for Jiusi amidst their own despair.  Bada was the first, giving Jiusi an awkward hug and bowing. May simply shook the girl's hand , holding an unprecedented  look of admiration in her eyes. Bo and Pinhan furiously hopped on top of red head, squeezing and kissing her like little cuddle goblins .
As Jiusi's whitewashed picture  took over the screen, an immense feeling of relief came crashing through Bongcha. She felt herself laugh  before she could process how weird it was that the success of her biggest competition  had  made her giggly.  The grey haired girl tried to remember  Jiusi wickledly smirking at her as they announced Bongcha's team had lost, she tried to remember being ready to kick her in the stomach on live television, but the anger was lost . All she could do now was try to hold back from hugging her and blush over her Miss Hong Kong smile.

" Where is my mic ? " Jiusi asked, bossy even with visible tears running down her face.

" There will be no speeches until the first place is announced! " Jungshik shut her down, looking plastic as ever " And now, let's welcome our  number 7!!  "

The twelve girls all jumped at sudden pling, this one more shellshocking than the first as it was  immediately followed by  Bo screaming at the highest pitch. The Taiwanese girl  fell to her knees with a jump and blankly looked at her own face on the rank board. A massive wave of pride knocked the air out of Bongcha's lungs and as if rehearsed, both her and Jiusi dropped on top of Bo, yelling like insane aunties. 

" I placed higher than YOU? " Bo asked Jiusi, grabbing her face and shaking it, her expression a pure picture of disbelief  " Bongcha unnie I placed higher than JIUSI  ??? WHAT  THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE ON THIS DAY ?? " Bongcha simply nodded,  smashing the younger girl's face against her chest and squeezing tight.

Quiet tears fall from her face as her mind goes to the image of Bo,  fresh from Taiwan, much more tanned and innocent. She remembers her stumbling raps and the nights they spent  together trying to fix them, the extra spicy ramen Bo force fed her and the way she wouldn't let go of her hand when they had their first stage. Her baby had made it and Bongcha could not help but sob a little. Maybe now I can loose in peace

" Please contestants, let's not wallow in the celebrations. " Jungshik reprimanded " Ladies and gentleman, our next rank is! "

Along the number 6, Pinhan's name appeared in bubbly pink letters. Faced with that Pin just stood still, immobilized  between Bongcha and Bo. She  whispers an "okay" with a sly smile, a girl accustomed to success and praise, before Jiusi  and Bo tackle her to the ground . The screaming intensifies as Jiusi tickles the 6th rank mercilessly, and all the remaining girls give in,  joining them on the floor to crowd and congratulate.

The action stills though, when Hina, who had been awkwardly and suspiciously composed through the crying fest, finally moves,  kneeling down to quickly kiss the three girl's heads before getting up again, trying to maintain a poker face.

" Aha, they seem happy. " Junsik said humorlessly " Get yourselves together girls. We still have plenty of ranks to go, speaking of which, LET'S CHECK OUT OUR RANK 5 ! "

The huge screen glitches and the world stills. Hina's kind smile appears on the screen, and Bongcha feels another weight being lifted off her heart. The crowd goes apeshit, of course they do, she's the prettiest, the kindest, the most talented and you can feel how happy each girl on the podium is for her.  Hina deserves this so much it hurts.

The Japanese girl gives a startled gasp, and in a second she's being  mobbed by the 12 others. She looks relieved and her smile is as soft as ever , but there is something behind it. A deep melancholy, a freezing panic. There was no logical way Aoi could rank higher than her,  Hina knew it .     

Before she could  hear a syllable of praise, she hugs  Aoi.

" No matter what, I will always be with you " Hina grabs the youngest's face

" It's okay, I believe you " Aoi lies through her teeth.

Hina knew this was coming, she held the best track record through the whole show. She had known for some time, so the giddy  buzz  of victory had faded away and now all her heart bore was guilt. Gut wrenching guilt. Oh god,  she was so worried about Aoi . She felt dizzy and her heart hurt like it was being choked. What could she do? Aoi needed to debut, she had to help her, it just couldn't be like this . Suddenly Hina's spiralling is rudely interrupted by Jungshik's water clear voice stealing away her attention.

" Contestants, truly your work here has been amazing. We are all so proud of what you ladies have become through this show. Never forget all the things you accomplished here. We hope you have the chance to show the same level of quality when you are out in the real world  " Jungshik  paused and his expression shifted.

" Ladies, in fact you are the top eight contestants, but there has been a change of plans... "

The oxygen was sucked out of the room.

" H&S Entertainment, Kakao M and our beloved  judges have suffered a change of heart..... Now it has been decided that only the top 4 girls will go on to debut as SugarPop. "

A collective gasp echoed and suddenly the crowded studio seemed painfully empty. Jungshik might as well have stepped in the middle of the four  girl's pharynx. Bongcha felt like her throat was in live flesh, panic and anger clouding her senses. Hina wasn't debuting, Hina wasn't debuting and it made her lose her mind.

" Now, let's discover who are the real winners, shall we?! " Jungshik asks the crowd with gust and glory.

The shell shocked audience cheered like a laughing thunderstorm,  the show continuing without much care for the ones that had been left behind.  An obnoxious party whistle blowed and Aoi's face popped up with pink crown photoshopped a top her head, an upbeat saxophone played and confetti blew above  the podium.

" Hina-chan!! " Aoi yelled before crashing into the older girl . They held each other tightly as both of their knees tried to give out. Hina felt as if her lungs were being kicked every time she tried to breathe. Of course, the second she was sure something good was actually gonna happen to her, the world pulls a joke and she is forced to remember the tragedy that she always was. Hina wanted to cry and kick but she couldn't, if she was sad Aoi would be sad too. And Hina was absolutely fucking sick of seeing Aoi sad, she was miserable, but she was still proud. Aoi would go on to be the great singer Hina knew she was , and maybe in some way that could live on as Hina's legacy. Aoi's happiness could be the thing that lets Hina sleep at night.

"  It's okay " Hina took Aoi's face in her hands, making the younger look at her " Its okay, it's okay. It's what I always wanted " Her throat hurts when she says that, and it makes her wanna cry more, but it doesn't stop her.

Aoi, barely 16 years old,  had never found herself in such a heart wrenching situation. Every cell in her body screamed injustice and her blood boiled with helplessness. Hina was the best of them , not debuting her was ridiculous and wrong, she had to fight for her, what kind of human would she be if she didn't fight  for her ?
But the back of Aoi's heart, worn out and abused  after years of rejection, wanted her to shut the fuck up and accept the win. In this moment, whatever she did would break her, and Aoi didn't know she could handle being broken .

Two women in sparkly pink dresses came to scoop her away.  They knew we wouldn't go willingly  Aoi thought as she gripped Hina with all her strength.

If she left Hina's arms , the world would fall and they would all see her cry, they would win. She had been naive thinking rejection was the worst they could do to her.

The women grabbed Aoi's arms and led her to the center of the stage, exposing her soaked face to be filmed and televised all over Korea .

" The poor girl !! She's overwhelmed with with happiness! " Jungshik pinched Aoi's cheek and the audience laughed, cooing at her like a little kid.

Jiusi's eyes fixed on the host with the strength of a lion's bite. They had nothing but murder as she observed Jungshik tighten his grip around Aoi . Unlike her fellow ' fake winners ', the redhead had no tears to offer the cameras, she only held an off puttingly intense expression of rage that made the set producers circle around her uncomfortably. Bongcha wondered if she would have trashed the set if it wasn't for Bo and Pinhan sobbing painfully on her shoulder.   

" Now we reach a pivotal moment, the third placed trainee who will be joining the Nation's Next Obcession, SugarPop, is..... "

Another pink crowned figure plinged into existence, but there was no reaction. Bu Guckhyeon stayed as frozen and  awkward  as she was when the lineup change had been announced. And the contestants watched helplessly as another pair of pink ladies came to escort her.

" Bullshit " Guck-ah spit out once she was placed on the center stage with Aoi, murmuring to herlsef.  She stared at the scoreboard like it was an equation written by a dolphin with banana peels. " Mathematical fucking  bullshit "

" What? " Aoi managed to hear her member's comment through her emotional breakdown

" Nothing  " She tensed up at the sight of Aoi's  red tear soaked face. Guckhyeon was not good at dealing with people, especially when they were crying  girls who gave her Skittles when she was about to have an anxiety attack on the break room last week. But even through her flabbergasted stage of confusion and sensory overload, Guck felt the need to console her junior in some way. She swallowed heavily, took a deep breath, and in a smal act of courage Every Day Guckhyeon would never be able to do, she took Aoi's hand and squeezed it tight.

Aoi seemed just as surprised with Guckhyeon as she was with herself, but that didn't stop her from grabbing Guck's entire arm and leaning on it like a crutch. Aoi was indeed, really fucked up, Guckhyeon realized, and suddenly the reality of her position sunk in, making her stomach turn and her blood freeze. She was trapped in this group, she was trapped in a place she didn't deserve to be in and everybody knew it. She would be hated for her whole life and there was nothing she could do about it.

" My dear audience, now it's my honour to announce this night's and this program's big winners!  These two contestants are truly the golden standard among you all and will go on to set new standards within the industry !! "

Xifeng puffs her chest and puts on a bright smile, the camera zooming in on her presumption. Bongcha hates her so much for thinking of herself amidst this level of cruelty and injustice, it makes her feel like she's bursting.

" Let's welcome our rank 2 , our main vocal and main dancer, PARK MAYBEL!!! '

May's hand gripped Bongcha's with incredible force, her long boney finger's trappings Bongcha's trembling ones. The korean had never seen such raw emotions on May's face.
Her chapped lips were pressed in intense disgust but her eyes showed an unprecedented amount of sadness. May hated to admit it, but she could not pretend she hadn't gotten exactly what she wanted. Her eyes searched Bongcha's as if she was asking " Will you forgive me if I go along with this shit show ? " , and as much as the younger wanted to reprimand May and set the world on fire, Bongcha just gave an empty look .

The moment May's face hit the spotlight, all  emotion was sucked out of her expression, leaving a beautiful blank picture. Jungshik offered her a mic and a smile,  but she slapped it away like she was about to rip his hand out. The studio stood semi still and awkward but the host just laughed it off, whispering " Not a woman of many words, our Maybel " before moving on.

" And, now is the time..... The best within all 30 trainees, the one who truly cracked all our expectations and showed us their true heart and talent.  After this last name is called out, our journey will be over. For both those who prevailed.. and those who didn't  "

In a mechanical crack, the camera zoomed in on Hina's tired red  face.

" This is the start of a new chapter. It is an immense honor for me, Kang Jungshik to announce that...our  rank 1 ,the winner of SUGARPOP, our leader and center, the Nation's pride  who rose above all is....OH BONGCHA !

Bongcha felt her veins freeze.

Her stomach wrapped itself in knots, and the sensory overload of the  lights and applause made her feel her muscles go numb. Bongcha thought she was about to faint, thought she would dissolve and break apart, when Hina came to crush her in a warm hug.

" I'm really proud of you "  Hina whispered  weakly against her ear, voice still trembling and breathing uneven.

Now that, was what really broke Bongcha's heart. How dare she be proud of her, the girl wanted to yell.
Another figure came crashing onto her back, Bongcha smelled Jiusi's industrial hair gel and fell into the older's arms. Soon Bo and Pin, her girls, her bratty goblins she was so proud of, hugged her from the sides. As the painful seconds went on, even Dasom and Bada  squished themselves in, while Xifeng put a reassuring hand on her back.

" Congratulations" Xifeng whispered sharp and bitter.

Bongcha then realized she completely forgot this was supposed to be a good thing. Tears spilled out. She had worked tirelessly for months for this and she could not find one single grain of happiness inside herself.  If winning first place in fucking Sugarpop didn't make her happy what in the world would ? Her knees gave out, she was ready to fall

" Breathe " Hina held Bongcha up, caressing her back. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on breathing. Sucking in the cold air she shared with her peers.

This.

This was nice.This made Bongcha feel less sick. The 9 girls enraptured Bongcha in a circle, sheltering her from the world with worried whispers and praises. Bongcha felt so selfish. The girls around her had their dreams ripped apart less than two minutes ago and yet she was the one being comforted. Suddenly it hit her, SUGARPOP had not made her happy, her dream had not made her happy because she was absolutely fucking boiling with hate.
Over the last few months, her sole sources happiness had stopped being just music and a roof over her head. Bongcha wasn't happy in Sugarpop because she was in Sugarpop, she was happy in Sugarpop because of them. Because of Bo and Hina and Jiusi and Pin, because of Guckhyeon's nerd ass and May's cockatoo laugh. She was happy because finally she had found people who cared for her as much as she cared for them, and over the time, that had become more important than Sugarpop.

" I'm not letting this happen " Her voice was steel and trust. For the first time in a week, Bongcha's eyes had some fire to them, it looked as if she had come alive. Suddenly, her hands were on Hina's collar pushing her close " I'm not letting they do this to you "