𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍:
Existence and free will
(1970)

IT'S ONE OF THOSE DAYS that Corazon felt good about herself. That serene feeling spreads throughout her body and tells her to just be.

It's a rare occasion, but it shouldn't be. Most days, she felt like she was just surviving the day to finish it and repeat it the next day. Her research kept her mind busy, her hobbies kept her body at work, and it suddenly occurred to her that she was doing it to feel the rush of time, to not allow herself to breathe, to think, and to feel.

Which, now, she reflected on. It was an unhealthy way of coping. It's no secret that Corazon is having difficulties keeping it all together; the façade she's been displaying for everyone isn't as believable as she thought it was. It's like they could see right through her. Is she so easy to read?

Corazon remembered five years ago how she was convincing herself that vampirism had given her so many opportunities that others couldn't have. Still, all she ever wanted to have is the privilege of having the peace of mind, and that itself is no amount of money could buy. No self-help book could solve her problem, and when it dawned on her that it was up to her and not up to the book to actually fix her problem.

And fuck did she hate it. Corazon fancied herself a problem solver as the eldest daughter in an ethnic Asian household. She handled the responsibilities placed on her shoulders to be the one her younger sisters would see as a role model. Yet, this time, she couldn't even fix herself. On other days, she felt numb, and on other days, she felt hollow, and on different days, she could even barely recognize herself when she looked in the mirror.

Corazon felt guilty; she knew Jasper could feel her persistent sadness, and Edward could read her unending thoughts of self-loathing, but she was grateful that nobody talked to her about it because, in all honesty, she wasn't even ready to face it. To confront her own problems because it's a lot of work that she isn't prepared to put an effort in.

She thought about leaving. She never did want to feel like a burden. She didn't want her emotions to get in the way and affect the rest of the family. She knows she's been closed-off, pushing everyone away, and she knows she's been worrying everyone, and being aware of her own behavior makes her feel bad.

Alice then saw it coming; they talked privately, and Corazon thought Alice deserved an explanation. Alice has always been there for her, never pushed her boundaries, and always knew that Corazon wanted to understand herself before even considering talking to one of them. She knew Alice only decided to speak to her when she'd seen the vision of Corazon wanting to leave.

Alice hadn't told anyone unless Corazon was sure about the decision, but Corazon had time to think. What would being alone bring to her? She knows if she leaves and is left alone to her own mind, she'll have difficulties clawing her way back out to the surface of her hopelessness.

Leaving would do no good, so she stayed.

Besides, after two decades of bickering with Emmett, Corazon thinks she wouldn't enjoy the silence she felt she needed. She would miss Esme's soothing company in the garden. She would miss picking Carlisle's brain for endless knowledge of various topics. She would miss Rosalie's sarcastic remarks and the sound of her scoffs. She would miss Alice's singing when she's painting by the patio. She would even miss Edward's melodic tunes of playing the piano, and most of all, she would miss Jasper's presence, which never seemed to waver. He's always there, either reading a book, writing in his journal, or just looking at the sky as the sun rises and sets on the balcony in silence, but his presence is so loud that Corazon couldn't help but feel at ease.

It took a while for her to finally realize that these people are indeed her family. No matter what, she always belonged. No matter the past or the scars, they will always be the ones who'll always understand the difficulties and the sudden feeling of melancholy of being a vampire.

But most of all, she felt safe with them, assured in a way that she wasn't battling with her survival anymore, she didn't have to, she didn't feel wary of her surroundings anymore, she didn't feel so anxious in the dark anymore. It took time, but her fears are finally slipping away from her one step at a time. Her body no longer feels the fight-or-flight mode. She trusted her family, and Corazon thinks that's the most significant step in her progress that she's proud of.

Corazon Cecelia Salvador is slowly accepting her reality; all she can feel is relief and lightness on her shoulders. She didn't have to bear all of it anymore alone, and it's assuring. She knows that this progress of hers will take time and have setbacks, but all that matters is she's moving and not standing still. She needed to do something that would help her because she's the only one who can allow herself to relieve herself of the shame and the questioning of her sanity and self-worth.

So, today, she decided that she's feeling good. She felt good about herself, which she hadn't in a while. Macrame is a hobby she picked up on when she read it in the daily magazine. How adorable it looked as decor. She remembered when her inang taught her to weave, and she couldn't help but feel a twinge of nostalgia for the patterns she had finished.

Corazon hums, following the rhythmic tune of a vinyl record of The Kinks playing in the background. Jasper and Corazon's bedroom is more of a half-library and half-crafting station. On one side of the room, towering wooden bookshelves lined the walls from floor to ceiling, showcasing an impressive collection of books with leather-bound classics and weathered paperbacks of mostly classics, thrillers, and psychological subjects.

Jasper prided himself on being a collector; he sought out antique books and timeless first-edition volumes. Beside the wooden bookshelf is a wooden desk, a well-organized stack of journals, and a mason jar of pens, and in the corner is a gray armchair adorned with one black pillow.

On the other side of the room, in the middle, is a wooden table surrounded by open shelving that holds spools of twine, skeins of yarn, and various earthy-hued paints. Beside a well-used easel with a canvas rested, a pottery wheel, baskets of yarn in rustic tones, and a shelf of neatly arranged pottery tools hinted at the potential within lumps of clay. A woven tapestry adorned the wall, adding texture and hanging potted plants that bring the room to life.

Large windows adorned with billowing curtains in their room allowed the soft daylight to filter in. Corazon sat cross-legged on the plush white synthetic fur carpeting, her black hair clipped updo with a few strands of hair framing her face. Engrossed in her new hobby, fingers creating intricate patterns, the strands of rope twisted and intertwined under Corazon's touch.

A soft creaking sound interrupted the room's tranquil atmosphere, but Corazon didn't stop her movements and asked, "Why don't you join me?"

Jasper, leaning against the doorway with his hands buried in his pockets, observed Corazon with a quiet intensity. A subtle smile played on Jasper's lips. "I think I'll just stay here. It looks rather complicated." He says with a gentle drawl and resonant. Corazon patted the empty space beside her. Jasper obliged her silent request, pushing himself off the wall and moving to sit beside her. Corazon hands him the circular metal ring.

"It's quite difficult in the beginning, yes. But it's easy once you've familiarized yourself with it." Corazon tells him as she guides his hands on how to continue the pattern, and Jasper ignores how her touch ignited his soul.

"What is it that you're making again?" Jasper asks as he looks at the pattern with a puzzled expression as he tries to follow how to rightfully intertwine and knot the cotton.

"The tree of life," Corazon answers and elaborates further, "The tree of life has different meanings to different religions, mythologies, and folktales, but it represents the cycle of life and death or a force that connects all lives. But in my religion—or was, it represents eternal life, until Adam and Eden ate the fruit from the tree, thus, removing their eternal life."

"If only they knew that vampires exist, then eternal life isn't going to be a problem after all." Corazon muses as she watches Jasper's hands flex as he continues to follow the pattern. Corazon subtly shakes her head.

"And why the tree of life?" Jasper asks curiously.

Corazon tilts her head as she brings her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. "I honestly don't know. I just saw it in the macrame pattern booklet." She chuckles. Over the years of her human life, she and her family are brought up to believe in god; faith was like something that was placed on her to just follow and believe in with no questions asked. She went to church every Sunday with her family and prayed to him every day and night. Corazon admits that believing in god during her human life, in a way, made her consciousness feel at ease. Knowing that a divine being watched over her, protected her, and created her fate.

But that night changed everything. She cried, cried for him, begged him to save her, to end the pain and suffering, to hear her plea. But the sky was empty.

Then again, what's a woman's agony to god anyway? How could a man know anything about a woman's pain?

For Corazon, losing faith was one of the most difficult challenges to face; she lost her sense of self and sense of belief. She felt utterly lost, believing in someone all her life and only ending up abandoned in a way that she had never felt before; she felt angry and betrayed in the first two years of her vampire life. She was always taught to believe in his plan and to trust him in the process of it all. But all she could think about was whether this was the plan he had laid out for her.

Religion is a fickle thing.

That Corazon accepted over time. Which seemed more manageable, "I think about my religion once in a while; you know how I overanalyze things."

"I do," Jasper answers amusedly, lip twitching into a slight grin.

"I just think that believing in someone should be a choice, you know? Or not believing in anything at all. Anyway, religion is quite a personal discussion." Corazon waves her hand ever-so-slightly as she sighs.

"I believed in god too," Jasper suddenly says, not looking at Corazon but focusing on the macrame project. "My mother always dragged me and my brothers to church every Sunday, and we said our graces before we ate and went to bed. My brothers and I thank him for the day." Corazon listened to him intently, sitting cross-legged again.

"And when I turned, I contemplated my existence on this earth for a long time. Until that is when I studied philosophy." Jasper hums, and Corazon lightly bumps her shoulder onto his.

"Of course, philosophy," Corazon rolls her eyes, "Because the search for truth only leads to more questions than the answers to some questions lead up to something that only you can answer—which you can by thinking outside the box and ends up to a never-ending search for the truth,"

Jasper chuckles as he places the macrame pattern on the ground, "Exactly. But, atheistic existentialism believes that a person came from nothing and that they won't be anything at all until they make something of themselves, to just be."

"The matter of a person's existence will only attain itself when you know what you want your purpose to be. To create it yourself with your own free will. It doesn't all have to be god or religion." Jasper's tone is calm as he spoke, but his voice, Corazon couldn't help but be captivated by him. He spoke with a haunting quality, almost as if his own existence was infused with his answers. Of course, he lived for a long time and knew and accepted the contemplation of life from his own perspective.

Corazon smiles at how much certainty and genuine intellect in the way Jasper spoke. She and he had always had these discussions that she never seemed to get enough of. How they understood and leveled with each other so quickly, like a perfect piece to a puzzle, "Look at you, be all philosophical. Maybe I should study philosophy next?" she hums.

"You can always do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy," Jasper looked at her with so much intensity that she felt it in her bones. Still, there's softness in his topaz eyes that Corazon only noticed now. She didn't know what to say, so she only nodded. But Jasper spoke again, his voice almost a whisper that brushed her skin.

"Don't shut me out again." His voice came out as a plea and a tone that held a vulnerability that shocked Corazon. She blinked rapidly but soon recovered that she spoke without even registering it herself as she held his gaze—that she now only fully truly noticed up close.

"I won't."

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

━━ I am establishing a new rule that I won't update any chapters until the previous chapter I posted isn't receiving the amount of attention/hype (comments & votes) I would have preferred, so this time I know that ya'll actually want to read my updates. This might get a weekly update if I am satisfied with the feedback!

━━ A Filipino show will be based on the Japanese Occupation of the Philipines during World War 2. To my international readers, if you're interested in learning more about the time Corazon's human backstory occured via television drama, I recommend this, but bear in mind the content warning! Watch the trailer on youtube! I know the network also has a partnership with Netflix! So it'll be streamed on Netflix too!

━━ Check out the new manip in the graphic gallery by fireandbloods !!

━━ I know you're supposed to use capital letters when pertaining to god, but I didn't want to, okay? I grew up in a catholic household and studied in a private catholic school until I changed university for college because I got sick of the toxic preachings and rules, so that's that. I even memorized the scriptures and the mysteries of the rosary😁 so I was a good catholic student, but it's tiring.