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𝗥𝗜𝗦𝗞

CHAPTER NINE
to you I can admit that I'm
just too soft for all of it

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REAL LIFE

"AND WE DON'T even know each other now, and I'd blow all my plans if you'd meet me out . . ."

Mary Jane sighed, tucking some hair behind her ear as Luna's voice echoed through her headphones. It was later that night, the moon out and the stars twinkling, although there wasn't many of them due to the light pollution in LA. Being by herself in that room felt entirely suffocating, so Mary Jane put her headphones in, threw on a jacket, grabbed her journal and a pencil, and went outside. She sat next to the pool on the concrete, her legs crossed underneath her with her journal on her lap.

She still hadn't taken Luna's advice to hang out with the others whatsoever. Of course, on the way outside she passed by all of them still in the living room, but she kept her head down and slipped outside. It was completely ridiculous of her to be acting like this — trust her, Mary Jane was aware — but she couldn't help it.

It might've sounded stupid, but all of them were more so of Luna's friends, not hers. Mary Jane wasn't saying they weren't friends, but Luna was the one who talked to them practically every day and hung out with them a lot more. And Mary Jane? Well, she was the one that would pop in once in a while before leaving again. Just like she told Luna, she would be fine here until she got back, but it was completely hard to not feel like an outsider.

And it wasn't even the fault of anyone in the house, either — it was all her. Mary Jane knew that all of them would hang out with her if she asked, but all of them had already formed their own friendships and routines that she felt bad trying to intrude. She had already gone out with them once before by herself when they went to that coffee shop, and she had a really good time. Those strings of friendship were starting to form, but there was also a little voice inside her head telling her that all of them were just hanging around her for Luna's sake, which was not helping whatsoever. She knew that would never be true, but her own brain was betraying her.

God, maybe she was more like Lexi Howard than she originally thought. Always blending into the background, floating around, never a solid part of any group. She would always be an observer.

To be honest, Mary Jane didn't even know, really. It didn't make sense. None of it did. Her mind was just a big mess of thoughts that she didn't have the energy to sort or deal with. Maybe tomorrow would be better for her — maybe she wouldn't overthink everything and build up the courage. But definitely not today. So, for now, she allowed herself to just sit, writing down random thoughts that turned into lyrics.

I'm feeling morbid again
Driving
Probably not safe
But when has it ever been?
Accidents happen,
I've been in eight of them
They were all my fault

Ellum, on the other hand, wasn't able to stop staring out the window. After his conversation with Blau earlier, he had tried to go back to the others in the living room, but he couldn't focus. His mind was racing, filled with nothing but thoughts of Mary Jane and how she was just sitting in that room by herself. Especially after all those texts from Luna, he didn't want her to be alone, but he wasn't sure how to exactly go about knocking on that door. He just sat on the couch, kind of disassociating from conversation, trying to build up courage. And then he had heard the door open, his hope sparking up, only to see Mary Jane avoid any type of contact with everyone and slip outside.

She had been out there for thirty minutes, and Ellum glanced out every so often, just to see her figure to make sure she was still there. His mind was screaming at him to get up and go out there, but his courage wasn't quite there. The only thing that was working to convince himself to walk outside was the fact that he promised Luna he would look after Mary Jane — which was just as much of a promise to himself. Besides, he didn't want to just spend time with Mary Jane because Luna asked him to, he wanted to spend time with her because she was her.

"Hello, Earth to Ellum," Leslie announced.

Ellum snapped out of his trance, looking over at her. "Hm?"

"Why are you staring outside all longingly?"

"I'm not," Ellum answered, although it wasn't entirely convincing. "I guess — I don't really want Mary Jane to be out there by herself."

Rae sighed. "I know. I think she's a little sad that Luna left, so I think she just wants her space right now. But it's really sad to see her out there when she can be in here with us."

"My poor girl," Tina added. "She shouldn't be sitting all by herself."

"Maybe all of us can just go out there and bombard her," Miyoung suggested. "You know what I say. Let's all out."

Rae blinked. "Miyoung, this isn't a Valorant game. Besides, I think all of us going out there at once would be a little much for her right now."

Ellum inwardly took a deep breath — now or never. "I can go talk to her, then." He stood up from the couch, clearing his throat nervously. "Hopefully, it succeeds, and I'll get her to come inside."

He didn't wait for any of them to say anything about it. Ellum turned himself around and walked up to the door, opening it and going outside. He shut the door behind him, shivering slightly at the chill in the air. Working up all of his bravery, he walked up to Mary Jane, who was still concentrated on whatever she was doing.

"And all I ever did was consider you, (down, down), till all I could do was consider me . . ."

Mary Jane suddenly felt a new presence by her side. She looked up from her journal, only to see it was none other than Ellum. Mary Jane felt her heart stutter in her chest as she watched him lower himself down to the ground to sit next to her. He looked over at her, giving her a small smile that made her forget what her name even was.

Good God. Get a grip, MJ.

Ellum really also had to get a grip. When he looked at her, he looked. Her hair was tied up into a ponytail, and she was wearing an oversized zip-up hoodie over her outfit. The moonlight was shining on her skin, along with the warm lights from inside, and it gave her a sort of ethereal glow. Beautiful. Just absolutely beautiful. He quickly forced his heart rate to calm down, although it didn't seem to be working out too well. Just the sight of her was making him forget where he was for a second.

"Hi," Mary Jane greeted, although she quickly realized her voice sounded drowned out due to her headphones, where Luna was singing it's not my fault you can't sit with the hard thing. She reached over and paused her music on her phone, taking her headphones out and leaving them in a heap. "What are you doing out here?"

"Talking to you," Ellum answered casually. "But I'm going to ask you the same question." He bumped their shoulders together — well, it was more so of his arm knocking into her shoulder due to their size difference. "What are you doing out here — specifically, all by yourself?"

She hesitated for a moment, shrugging. "I didn't want to be a bother."

"You're never a bother, MJane. What are you even talking about?"

Mary Jane absentmindedly tapped her pencil against the page of her journal. "All of you were already hanging out. I didn't just want to barge in."

He raised his eyebrows, his heart sinking to his stomach at the confession. "I can assure you, you barging in would've made everything better." Ellum glanced back at the door for a moment. "We're all playing Hearthstone inside, if want to join."

Mary Jane scrunched up her nose a bit. "Is that that weird card-esque game Luna keeps talking about?"

Ellum couldn't help but let his smile widen at her scrunched up nose, which he found ridiculously adorable. "Yeah. That's the one."

She shook her head. "I don't know how to play."

"I'll teach you."

Mary Jane felt her heart warm momentarily. "Thank you for offering. But . . ."

"But?" Ellum repeated when she didn't finish her thought. "What's going on?"

She shook her head, letting out a small laugh. "It's stupid."

"It's not stupid if it's bothering you," he reassured her. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but I'm here to listen."

Mary Jane paused, the words washing over her. It was terrifying to speak her feelings out loud, especially to the boy she liked, but just his presence was enough to make her feel safe. Ellum was a yapper, that wasn't a secret, but somehow she had a feeling that anything that she said wouldn't be uttered to another person. She glanced over at him, right into his eyes, and saw nothing but kindness and security. Was it foolish of her to put so much faith into a person she practically just met? Probably. But, like she said, the deep end was more fun to swim in. Might as well jump, right?

She closed her journal and put it down, clasping her hands together in her lap. "I tend to get in my own head a lot. Where my mind tells me all these things that don't really equate to what will happen in real life. It kind of gets worse whenever Luna leaves, as weird as it seems. She may be dependent on me, but I don't think she realizes that I'm equally as dependent on her. I've never told her either, because I don't want her to worry. I'll do anything to ensure her happiness."

"But what about your happiness?" Ellum countered, a sense of seriousness in his tone that was a lot different from his usual joking manner.

Mary Jane hesitated, the question hitting her hard — a pang went through her chest, and her voice quieted. "I guess I just don't know what I want anymore. I'm just . . . it feels a lot like I'm just trying to find who I am without her. It's strange."

"It's not strange. I think a lot of people would relate to what you just said."

"Being here has made me happy," Mary Jane explained, the truth seemingly pouring out of her. "All of you have included me as much as possible. Including right now, because you seriously don't have to be out here with me."

Ellum shrugged. "I want to."

Mary Jane felt butterflies erupt in that stomach. "Thanks. But, the second Luna left, it suddenly . . . it was like something clicked in my head that reminded me I'm just an outsider. And then I heard all of you laughing in the living room, and my brain just kept yelling at me, so I hid in my room and now I'm out here, away from everyone else. I know I'm a public figure, but . . ." Mary Jane trailed off. She took a deep breath, tilting her head back to look at the stars. "Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear."

Well, now she was just rambling. Honestly, that last part about wanting to disappear was something deep from her soul, something that she had only mentioned to a few other people. Mary Jane wasn't exactly sure what possessed her to tell that to Ellum, but she felt . . . safe, in a sense.

Just those words made Ellum's chest feel tight. Hearing that she felt like an outsider and that she wanted to fucking disappear was enough to make him want to hug her and hide her away from the rest of the world. She didn't deserve to feel like that all. And she might've said it wasn't their fault, but Ellum's mind was racing with thoughts about how he should've done more to make her not feel like this.

He couldn't change what already happened. However, he could change what was going to happen — starting now.

"Mary Jane, none of us are friends with you just because of Luna," Ellum told her. "Sure, she might've introduced us to you, but we're friends with you because you're you."

She looked over at him, tearing her eyes away from the stars and her racing thoughts starting to calm down. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. In fact, I don't think I've ever enjoyed somebody's company more than yours."

Her cheeks splashed a light shade of pink, and she looked down at her lap shyly. "You don't have to say that to make me feel better."

"I'm not," Ellum admitted. "Truly. You're one of the coolest people I've ever met. And, honestly, I don't really like you talking so badly about yourself." He then reached up, putting a hand on top of her head. "Mary Jane, stop being mean to Mary Jane."

She giggled slightly, ducking to get his hand off of her head. Ellum laughed along with her, and Mary Jane felt her heart fucking glow. He was like sunshine, and she could practically feel the warmth seeping into her skin, even though it was dark and chilly outside.

Mary Jane finally looked over at him, smiling softly. "Sorry for just . . . spilling. I know I'm being overdramatic."

Their eyes locked. And . . . sparks. The two of them could practically feel them flying through the air and landing on them. Yet, neither of them acted on it.

"Don't be sorry," Ellum replied. "I can always be here to listen. And you're not overdramatic for feeling things." He then nudged their shoulders together again. "So, how do you feel about coming to hang out with us inside? Your choice, but I swear, all of us would love to have you there. Especially me."

Unlike how she felt earlier, she felt a lot better now. Talking about it probably helped. Spilling everything on her mind just made her feel lighter . . . or maybe that was because Ellum had this inexplicable ability to make her feel like she was floating, but whatever. Ellum's smile grew as well and he pushed himself off of the ground, offering his hand out to her. Mary Jane gathered her belongings in one hand and grabbed his hand with the other, using it to pull herself up. She could've sworn she felt a jolt of electricity go through her entire body just from that as well.

"You like tea?" Ellum asked.

Mary Jane nodded. "Yeah, I do." Her eyes twinkled slightly. "British boy."

"Classic me, I know." He started to walk towards the house, taking her with her with their still-held hands. "I'll make us some, and then I can teach you Hearthstone."

Mary Jane could hear her heartbeat in her ears. He was looking out for her and including her and making her tea? Sure, it might've been the bare minimum, but oh dear God, she was gone.

"Hey, Josh?" Mary Jane called, tugging on his hand a bit.

He turned to her, the sound of his real name getting his attention, and hearing her say it was just absolute music to his hears. "Hm?"

Without really thinking what she was doing, she dropped his hand. Mary Jane then leaned forwards, wrapping her arms around his middle and resting her cheek on his chest. Ellum didn't wait another second before hugging her back. Mary Jane sighed in content, hugging him tight. A hug was so out of the blue, but okay, hear her out — one, there was a desire to be close to him, and two, it was a gesture of thanks to him after he made her feel better.

And Ellum? Well, Ellum was a puddle. Actual — honest to God — liquid spilling between Mary Jane's arms. Fuck.

"Thank you," she said.

Anything for you.

"Of course," Ellum responded. He ran his hand up and down her back, just allowing her to hug him for as long as she wanted to . . . or maybe it was because he didn't want to let her go. "Like I said I'll always be here to listen."

After another moment, Mary Jane pulled back from him. She looked up at him, her eyes sparkling and her smile warm. Ellum momentarily felt all of his breath leave him just at the sight of her. Oh, this was really not good.

"So, what is Hearthstone?" Mary Jane questioned, turning back towards the door so she wouldn't look at him and end up doing something drastic.

Ellum cleared his throat, leading the way. "It's basically a dueling game. A lot of us play with each other in duos . . ."

And, yet, neither of them seemed to notice that Tina, Rae, Leslie, and Miyoung had been watching them extremely closely from the window, sharing knowing glances with each other.

＊*•♥̩͙•̩̩͙*˚˚*•♥̩͙•̩̩͙*˚＊＊*•̩̩͙♥̩͙•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙♥•̩̩͙*˚＊

TWITTER

Mary Jane Brooks maryjane • 1h
how does one play hearthstone I'm asking for a friend
📸: Kkatamina <3

💬230 🔁492 ❤️10,884

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do you miss us? username • 1h
she's staying with the roomies, we should've seen this coming. we've lost her

💬9 🔁25 ❤️77

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luna 🌙 lunahayes • 1h
NO WAY I've been trying to get her to play for WEEKS and the second she starts I'M AWAY????? betrayal.

💬387 🔁700 ❤️10,846

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tayluna stan username • 1h
top 10 saddest anime betrayals fr

💬14 🔁30 ❤️83

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Foolish Gamers FoolishGamers • 1h
welcome to the dark side

💬145 🔁501 ❤️773

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karl :) KarlJacobs_ • 1h
that game is just so made up

💬120 🔁409 ❤️823

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Josh Ellum EllumYT • 1h
THAT'S MY DUO!!!

💬82 🔁163 ❤️628

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RAE Valkyrae • 1h
ooh . . . mj I'm so sorry

💬177 🔁829 ❤️10,323

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Miyoung Kkatamina • 1h
now me personally mj I wouldn't take that

💬108 🔁542 ❤️760

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raeyoung <3 username • 1h
LMAOOOO rae and miyoung came out swinging

💬3 🔁22 ❤️53

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Mary Jane Brooks maryjane • 1h
you know what . . . that's my duo !!! thanks for the tea 🫶🏻

💬128 🔁329 ❤️900

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franny username • 1h
oh?

💬1 🔁14 ❤️18

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leslie fuslie • 1h
this is a shocking turn of events

💬156 🔁753 ❤️808

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Josh Ellum EllumYT • 1h
HELL YEAH! and no problem, anything to see that smile again :)

💬59 🔁297 ❤️489

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echo! username • 1h
OH INDEED

💬17 🔁37 ❤️57

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starduo follower username • 1h
ellum??? stand up???

💬45 🔁102 ❤️388

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luna 🌙 lunahayes • 1h
THEY'RE DUOS????? WHAT TEA????? SHE'S SMILING????? IS ANYONE ELSE LOST?????

💬116 🔁201 ❤️532

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jamie username • 1h
same luna. same.

💬4 🔁10 ❤️21

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tay username • 1h
anybody else sensing a vibe or . . .

💬67 🔁183 ❤️422

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mars | SEEING LUNA! username • 1h
you're definitely not the only one I see it too

💬7 🔁15 ❤️27

-ˏˋ ✩✩✩ ˊˎ-

he's so 🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻

all I've been doing recently is watching everyone play rust and laughing so hard I can barely breathe I swear I haven't had so much fun watching an event since qsmp purgatory (mj would 100% be playing rust and enjoying the chaos btw)

btw those lyrics above are from audrey's instagram <3 (audrey is gracie abrams' bff that mj is very loosely based off of)