(Warning: topics of suicide is officially at play. If you can't read this, then don't. I don't want y'all to be upset.)

Dear Journal, it's the Fourth of July weekend, long story short, I hate this holiday. I have my reasons, which I knew I'd have to delve into sooner or later.

By tomorrow it'll have been a year since Cath died, last Fourth of July was the last happy holiday we spent as a family.

She was my best friend, the one who truly knew me better than myself. And ever since she died, nothing seemed worth it.

My mom and dad almost got divorced, I barely left my room. Waking up every day got harder and harder the more I had to do it.

Lindsey tried her best, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Then my parents put me into therapy. And here we are, I doubt the pain will ever subside.

But at least I'm able to get up and do something with my day. It's hard, but I know she wouldn't want me to stop living.

I miss you Cath, so damn much, and I love you.

Matt set his journal aside, as his phone rang. He picked it up, smiling shortly, it was Lindsey. "Hey bestie." He greeted.

"Hi bestie, how're you doing?" She asked.

Sam jumped up and nuzzled his head onto Matt's lap, "I'm as okay as I can be, you know about today and tomorrow."

Lindsey's tone softened, "Yeah, I wish I could be with you. But I'm at my grandparents house."

Matt petted Sam's ear, "Tell abuela and abuelo I say hello."

"I will, and when I get back, we can do something. I'll even see if abuela will let me take you some leftovers."

"Okay, well, I don't want to get you in trouble. So I'll see you later."

Lindsey couldn't wait til she got back home. "Definitely, bye Matt, take care of yourself."

"I'll be fine, bye Linds." Matt hung up the phone and sighed, today was going to be difficult. But he didn't expect anything less.
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The call ended and Lindsey closed her phone turning to her abuela. The aroma of delicious scents of spices filled the room.

She was mixing them into the carnita molé. One of her favorites. "Who were you on the phone with?" Mariana asked.

"Matt. Today's not the best. He says hello by the way." Lindsey replied.

"Oh Matthew, I hope he's doing alright. The next time you visit, bring him along."

Lindsey hummed, "I'll try my best, abuela, it takes a lot just to get him out of his house."

"Be patient cariño, healing takes time. I'm sure Matthew is thankful you've stuck by his side. That's very admirable Lindsey."

Lindsey gave her grandma a side hug then continued to help prep more of the dishes. She loved cooking with her grandmother.

It reminded her of when she'd visit her and abuelo in their home country of Spain. Playing cards with abuelo on the back patio, eating helados in the summertime.

Maybe if she goes again on vacation, Matt could come with her. He'd never been outside the country before. She wondered if he even had a passport.

It'd only been a day and a few minutes since she was on the phone with him. She missed him, and hoped he wouldn't shut anyone out.

Autopilot mode wasn't something she was sure she could handle again, every holiday after Cath's death were the darkest days for the Walsh's.

Christmas was Catherine's favorite, but the house was dull. No lively music, no sugar cookies, no bright lights, and no presents underneath the tree.

They only slowly started getting back to celebrating, except Fourth of July was off limits for the indefinite future.

The young teen couldn't blame them. She finished helping her abuela and went to check up on her dad, abuelo, and sister Ruby.

They were watching Top Gun, a tradition made by abuelo. "Ah, mija! Come join us!" Her grandpa Elio exclaimed.

Lindsey chuckled and sat down next to Elio, laying her head on his chest, staring at the tv screen. "Are you still making your famous tres leches cake?"

"You bet it abuelo. Before you ask, no, I'm not telling you the secret ingredient. Abuela swore me to secrecy. You're not slick."

Elio cackled, knowing his premature plan failed, so did Ruby, "I told you she wouldn't tell you abuelo. Abuela would have her head if she uttered a single word."

"Elio, enough of that! No estás entendiendo la receta. Me lo llevo a la tumba." Mariana scolded.

Lindsey laughed, "Ooo abuelo, you're in trouble now!"
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Fourth of July was a spectacular event in the Fisher household, a great feast, cute decorations, delicious dessert, and a fantastic firework show. Belly loved this time of the summer.

This year's festivities would be different however, Belly's dad was coming, with his girlfriend Victoria. Conrad and Jeremiah's dad wasn't.
Apparently he was too busy closing a deal.

Conrad didn't seem bothered, but Jeremiah was disappointed. It'd been hard since their parents divorced, but that's hard on any kid in that situation.

Belly was helping Conrad fix up the guest bedroom, she looked at him, "Don't you think it's weird that my dad is staying here with Victoria?"

Conrad smirked, "Well, I'm sure they're not gonna have loud sex."

Belly scoffed, "That's foul. Ugh. And why is my mom letting him bring his bitchy girlfriend anyway?" She laughed.

Conrad laughed along, "How do you know she's bitchy? What if she's like... a really nice person or something?"

"Uh, what if... uh, and.. and just hear me out... she's a bitch?" The two laughed again.

"It's gonna be fine, okay? Don't worry about it." Conrad reassured, they heard the sound of a car horn honking. John and Victoria had arrived.

Belly turned to him, "I'm sorry your dad's not coming."

Conrad squared his shoulders, "Don't be. I'm not."
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Matt looked at his phone, a selfie he and Catherine took, her smile was radiant, he spent a good two hours scrolling through his folder of their photos and videos.

He landed on a particular video, and pressed play, there she was, Cath was surfing, riding through a tunnel.

Matt could hear himself cheering for her. Soon she came barreling to shore. She ran up to him, a gleeful smile plastered on her face.

Her board in between her arm, "Holy shit! Dude did you see that?!"

He high fived her, "Hell yeah! That was awesome, Cath!"

"I'm going back out there!" She said, already heading back towards the water.

"Oh c'mon! I'm starving, we've been out here for hours!" He shouted.

"One more go! I'm the oldest! What I say goes!" She shouted back.

He scoffed, "What does being the oldest have to do with surfing?!"

Cath gestured to her ears, "Sorry, can't hear you over the waves!"

But that made him laugh, then the video ended, he felt tears brim his eyes. It wasn't fair. There was an aching feeling in his chest.
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He remembered it like it was yesterday. He'd just gotten home from hanging out with Lindsey, they walked along the beach, then went to get some ice cream.

He got a cup of vanilla and strawberry swirl for Cath. Entering the house, he ran to the freezer to put the ice cream in there. So it didn't melt.

Matt noticed the house was quiet, which wasn't unusual, he figured his mom and dad were out doing some last minute shopping.

Sam came barreling toward him, he smiled, and just as he was about to greet him Sam was nudging him and whining.

"What's going on buddy?" Sam ran to the stairs climbing up them, Matt swiftly followed him. Worry was bubbling in his stomach, something was wrong.

When he reached the top of the stairs, Matt saw Sam scratching at Cath's door, he walked over to it, attempting to open it. But it was locked.

"Cath, are you okay?" He was met with silence.

"Hey, open the door." Silence again, Sam beside him whining and whimpering.

"Catherine Walsh, I swear to god, if you don't open this door I'm busting it down." For a third time, she didn't answer.

Although he didn't bust it down, he grabbed a random key, and opened it, rushing inside, finding Catherine on the floor. His blood ran cold.

He got to her, attempting to wake her up. Shaking her, "Cath, Cath! Wake up! Please, you're freaking me out!"

Matt saw a bottle of pills on her nightstand, he pulled out his phone dialing 9-1-1, "C'mon Cath. Wake up!"

The operator spoke, "9-1-1 where is the location of your emergency?"

"H.. Hello? I got home and found my sister unconscious. I think she took a bunch of pills. I've tried shaking her. But she's not waking up!"

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Matt. My name's Matt." Matt answered.

"Alright Matt, I'm Elijah. Can you check her pulse?" Matt used his index and second finger on her wrist.

Her pulse was low, but it was there. "It's there, but it's faint. What should I do?"

"I need you to attempt CPR, do you know how to do that?" The operator replied calmly.

"Y.. Yeah I can do that. Twenty chest compressions right, then clear her airway?"

Elijah praised, "Exactly, can you give me your address Matt?"

Matt almost forgot, he then rattled off his address, "Alright, paramedics are on their way. I'll stay on the line with you until then." Elijah said.

Tears fell from Matt's eyes, as he stuttered out, "O.. Okay."

Matt continued doing CPR until he heard paramedics arrived, he said goodbye to Elijah. They rushed Catherine outside to the ambulance.

Matt called their parents sobbing and desperately trying to explain what happened. They dropped what they were doing and went to the hospital.

Catherine was in the ICU, connected to so many machines, when Matt saw her, it was too overwhelming, suffocating even.

But he prayed she'd be okay, except he couldn't help but question himself, how did he not see her pain? Why didn't he see it? Is it too late?

Cath was on life support for three days, she'd gone without oxygen for six minutes. Daniel and Isla had to pull the plug, Matt was heartbroken.

He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, just felt numb to it all, how could this happen? Her cause of death was an overdose. She was still alive before Matt left, and she seemed okay.

That was obviously a damn lie, she wasn't okay, she was in pain, and she didn't reach out. Why didn't she talk to him? Did he dismiss her feelings?

Did he make her feel like she was a burden? Those questions were swirling around in his head, causing him to spiral.

Lindsey was by his side through it all, refusing to even go to her grandparents house for the holiday. The funeral was planned a few weeks later.

All Matt heard that morning was: 'I'm sorry Matthew', 'I'm so sorry for your loss', 'Catherine was such a beautiful soul'.

Oh and the best one, 'Healing takes time, I'm sure she's in a better place' How the hell would these people know if she was in a better place?

It angered Matt to no end, just as much as losing his sister, anger for people thinking they know how he's feeling. Anger over not seeing Catherine's pain.

Lindsey sat down next to him on his bed, he couldn't even look her in the eyes. He began sobbing, and the girl pulled him into her arms.

She couldn't promise everything would magically be okay, but she could promise him she'd be there for him no matter what.
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To say the Fourth of July party went to shit was an understatement. Belly met Victoria, she was nice, even showing them how to make pomegranate margaritas.

Mistake number one. Laurel called Adam and demanded he get to the house for Susannah, Conrad, and Jeremiah.

That only caused a fight between the two women, mistake number two. Belly got drunk, spilled the beans on Steven and Taylor hooking up.

Shayla dumped his ass, and to top it all off, Belly knocked over Susannah and ruined her favorite cake stand. Mistake number three.

For Belly the day ended with greasy pizza and a hangover, and her confessing to Conrad she knew about the infinity necklace he got her.

As for the Fisher brothers, their dad left early without giving a good explanation. Conrad wanted him to leave anyway, Jeremiah wished he didn't.

Overall this had to be the worst Fourth of July celebration ever.

Jeremiah took out his phone, going to his messages, and clicking on Matt's name. "Hey, can I meet Sam tomorrow?"

He saw the text bubbles come up, "Yeah, maybe after dance practice though."

'That makes sense, I almost forgot he was Lindsey's date' He remembered.

"Sounds good, I've got a shift at the pool. Does 2 o'clock work?" Jeremiah replied.

"Yeah, that works. See you soon, Jere. 😁" Matt said.

Jeremiah smiled, "See you soon Matty. ❤️" Hopefully tomorrow will be the mood booster he so desperately needed.
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The End of Chapter 4