Chapter 9. Brave

There is a discussion about verbal abuse and gaslighting topics. Relationship dynamics with bad partners are heavily discussed - please avoid reading any further if these topics are sensitive to you.

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Minho holds onto Han's hand as they slowly walk down the path, eyes averting the gaze he can feel on his neck. He can feel the words piling over his tongue, wanting to slip free and wanting to be honest, but his mouth seems sewed shut.

"Minho?" Han asks timidly. "If you don't want to talk right now, that's okay. We can talk later?"

It's not that Minho didn't want to talk, it was entirely the reason that he was here now, holding gently onto Han's hand. Fear coursed through his veins as the idle image of Han rejecting his apology simmers like boiling water, ready to overflow. He's relatively calm about this, trying to keep his emotions behind the mask he configured, but Han isn't blind by any means. He can sense the slight tremble to Minho's hand, which only makes him hold his hand tighter.

"I'm really sorry." Minho's words finally break the barrier between them, and Han suddenly, but visibly relaxes. "Felix filled me in on some stuff, so I needed to come talk to you."

"Felix-" Han sighs, now aware of Minho's sudden appearance at his house. "What did he say?"

"He told me you called him last night."

"I did." Han nods, taking a second to decide on honesty or vague answers as to why he called Felix. "I really thought he was not going to answer his phone, but he did. I grabbed my stuff from your house and ran over to his. I was incredibly scared about having nowhere to go and no one to go to. I just panicked."

Minho feels vomit twist in his gut. "I should've never told you that I didn't care."

"You were angry, I get it-"

"No, Han. I shouldn't have said it regardless. Angry or not, I knew what was happening back at your house. I can't tell you that I didn't care when I really did. I worry about you all the time-" Minho's jaw tightens as his chest feels heavy suddenly, taking a short, sharp breath inwards to relax himself. "I was so blind and I didn't realize how wrong I was."

Wrong? "Minho, I don't expect you to always take care of me. We aren't even together, you're not obligated to watch over me."

"But I was the one housing you. I was the one that wanted to take care of you."

Wanted to-? "Minho, hold on. Let's slow down for a second." Han stops in his tracks, eyes pivoting towards the ground. Minho stops and looks at him, still clinging to his hand.

"Too much?"

"Yeah, I'm just a bit overwhelmed. Can we just talk about something else?" Han looks towards him, watching Minho's gaze shift away worriedly.

"I can talk about something if you want to just listen." Minho offers lightly, and Han's eyes blink to life.

"Please."

"Okay." Minho pulls Han forward a bit, encouraging him to walk with him as their hands dangle between them. "My ex and I broke up over a year ago. She's not someone I really like to talk about because talking about her is a waste of my breath. But, I think you deserve to know why I've been so hesitant and distant."

"I'm listening." Han quietly encourages, squeezing Minho's hand softly in assurance.

"We were in the same grade. She liked to sing, so sometimes the music teacher would let her practice alone in the studio and I'd end up in there with her. I would have my headphones in to practice with, but I guess she had liked me first. We ended up going out after spending so much accidental time together, and for a while, things were good."

"What was she like?"

"She was really passionate about a lot of things. She had this drive to be an idol one day and was really in love with performing. I tried teaching her to dance, but she didn't catch on so well."

"So you bonded over the love for performing?"

"If that's how you want to put it, sure. I tried my best to be attentive and to go to her practices with her vocal coach, but it never seemed like enough. She started getting upset with me about little things." Minho shrugs. "I never thought about it much at the time, but, after you spend some time apart, missing pieces begin to appear from the puzzle."

"Sounds like you liked her." Han tries not to let Minho's previous feelings for his ex-girlfriend diminish his own, but the more Minho talks about her, the shyer he gets.

"At the time, yes. We were together for eight months, but the last three months were extremely brutal. If I didn't take her on a date once a week, it was an argument. If I didn't text her every morning, it was an argument. If I didn't wait for her at her locker at the end of the day, it was an argument."

"This kinda sounds like my parents." Han mentions lightly, catching Minho's attention instantly.

"Abuse comes in many forms, Ji. But it all stems from the same thing. She was verbally abusive to me for months, and for some time, I began to think it was normal and just a part of relationships. She was my first romantic partner, so I really didn't know how intense it could get."

"You don't blame yourself, do you?" Han's question catches Minho off guard, feeling his gaze drift towards him.

"Over what?"

"Not knowing sooner?"

"No, Ji. I only blame myself for letting her talk to me the way she did."

"I'm sorry, Minho." Han's heart breaks for the older, walking a bit closer to him than at first. Minho smiles at him briefly, then drops his gaze to focus on the sidewalk ahead of him.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. She was a part of my life. . . a part of my life that I regret. She ruined me, well, it felt like she did. I spent a long time isolating to allow myself to heal, but I never healed all the way."

"So everything we were doing was really hard on you, wasn't it?"

"Truthfully, it was the hardest part of healing and coping." Han's body grows rigid. Minho squeezes his hand tighter, swinging their interlocked fingers towards his lips as he presses a gentle kiss to the back of Han's hand. "But you showed me that not everyone is going to treat me like that. I don't have to be afraid of letting my guard down to the right people."

Their hands drop back to the space between them, and Han relishes in the kiss cooling his skin. "She cheated on me the entire relationship and claimed I drove her to do it. I still don't know why she said or did those things, but that was why I didn't want to be with you for a while. I didn't want you to feel tied to me if you had feelings for anyone else."

"Minho-"

"I know now that my thoughts were wrong, completely plagued by my fears. I'm just terrified to feel anything towards anyone again, it's partially the reason why I ghosted Felix."

"He told me that you guys are good friends." Han watches Minho smile at his comment.

"Yeah, we've been friends for a long time. I didn't realize back then what having good people in your life can do for you, so I just shut everyone out. But ever since I met you, I've wanted nothing more than to be myself again. I have spent a long time putting on this facade of a cold, heartless person, but I just wanna be happy again."

"You can be happy again, Minho."

"I have a feeling I can be happy again, somehow." Minho looks at Han, heart grateful and happy, a smile pulling at his lips. Han suddenly feels a wave of honesty flood his chest, a vulnerability he hasn't felt before tugging away at his heart. All he wanted was to be brutally honest, so transparent towards the one person who finally let his walls down just a minute ago.

Han couldn't believe that the Lee Minho talked about his past to him. It was surreal, something his past self would hardly rush to believe if it wasn't for that stupid game of spin the bottle.

"If you want to listen, I'd like to tell you about my ex." Minho nearly stops walking, pace slowed down as Han's suggestion strings along curiosity and worry.

"Ji, you don't have to-"

"I want to. Just listen, please?" Han smiles at him before looking forward, trying to decide on which shitty ex to talk about, given that they were all traumatizing and ruined his mental health. But he settles for the first, the one that was the worst. He just hoped Minho wouldn't judge him for his past decisions. But he was Minho. His Minho. He wouldn't do anything like that, not now, not ever.

"I dated this guy who was in my math class. I ended up having to tutor him and things just spiraled out of control. I could tell something was up with him because he kept flirting with me out of nowhere, but like, who flirts during a tutoring session?" Han laughs at himself slightly and Minho scoffs too. "He kissed me by surprise one day and I didn't totally hate it. But he wanted to take me out, so I agreed."

"What do you mean by you not totally hating it?"

"He was cute, just not my type. He was in athletics and was just not booksmart. He talked about drinking a lot and bragged about his sports trophies, just shit I was never really into. He was just, I don't know, one of the first boys that seemed interested in me."

"So am I not your type either?" Minho nudges him lightly, watching him smile half-heartedly.

"You are, but that's not the point." Han feels Minho's thumb smooth over his skin, gently running small circles on the back of his hand. He didn't know what it was about the gesture that was so calming, maybe it was because it was Lee Minho doing it, but the conversation suddenly feels lighter. "We were only together for a month, but that entire month he was rushing into things. He didn't want to actually hang out, he just wanted to fool around. For a month I was convinced that he was really attracted to me, ignoring every single warning sign possible just because I believed someone like that was attracted to me. But no. He wasn't."

Han's voice trails off slightly, a tinge of sadness stuck to his tongue. "He just wanted my body and what it could give him. He never wanted me."

"Ji." Minho stops them from moving any further, turning to face Han with sadness pulling at his heart. "Is this why you told me to not get attached to you so you don't get attached to me?"

"I was scared. I was scared of you doing that to me." Han's honestly is bleeding into his veins. His eyes are swelling with tears as he stands there, pulling his hand from Minho's grasp to pull his hoodies' sleeves over his wrist. "I got so attached to that douche bag and he got attached to sex. I didn't see what he was doing to me, not even what he was doing to my mental state until Felix practically forced me to see it with my own eyes."

"What do you mean?"

"He had a girlfriend the entire time." Han watches Minho's heart visibly break. "He led me on with so many strings, it just felt like I was his puppet for a while, just following what he wanted and doing what he wanted me to without question. I was so blind and oblivious to everything he did."

"You don't think of me like that, do you? Especially since we. . .y'know."

"No, Minho. I don't. But before, at the party? During spin the bottle? I was scared. The only reason I said no to telling everyone about our kiss was because I didn't want to become an object again."

"Hannie," Minho's eyes soften, hands reaching out to touch Han, but he stops short, afraid to push boundaries over the edge.

"I don't see you like that anymore, Minho. I promise." Han reaches through the distance Minho struggles to cross, connecting his hands to Minho's lower back, pulling him into a deep and forgiving hug. Minho melts into Han's touch, feeling Han's head crane to its familiar place at the base of his neck.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." Minho says quietly, feeling Han's hands grip his shirt softly.

"I'm sorry I lied." Han mumbles into Minho's neck, feeling the sudden press of a kiss settle onto the crown of his head.

"Can I tell you something, Ji?" Minho's no longer afraid of rejection now, heart beating warmly in tune with Han's. He's suddenly fearless now, wanting to try for the sake of a relationship blossoming through forgiveness. He can feel Han smile against his skin, placing a gentle kiss on his collarbone.

"Anything."

"Relationships terrify me. It's not that I'm expecting you to cheat on me or argue with me, it's that I'm terrified you're going to leave me." Minho feels the anxiety swarming in his chest. This was his true fear hidden beneath the surface, a lingering curse of loneliness that he always plagued himself with. He let himself believe that being alone would avoid his heart from being hurt, but the more time he spent sitting quietly in his room, the more he longed for the comfort of someone warm.

"I'm still scared. I'm still fucking terrified," Minho laughs at himself, moreso laughing at his own pity. "But you make me want to be brave."

Han parts from him for a second, taking the chance to look Minho in the eyes before smiling at him, a glimmer of a tear shining in his admiring gaze. "You're not afraid to be with me anymore?"

"I want to be with you. That's all that matters to me now." Minho assures, voice soft with a confident smile pulling at the corner of his lips. Han looks like he could cry again, but happier tears this time.

Han can't seem to find words to express his happiness as he leans in, pressing his lips to Minho's. The kiss is so much sweeter this time, more involved and ridden with love as they press closer, hands finding backs and waists, lingering until Han pulls apart, hands drifting to Minho's.

He's almost speechless, biting the inside of his lip as an idea trickles over his tongue. "Let's go home."

"I don't want you to go home yet." Minho frowns, but Han shakes his head.

"No, dummy, I'll get my stuff and come back to your house. Unless you don't want me to-"

"Of course I want you there, Jagi." Han's heart seizes. There it was again. Jagiya.

"Okay." Han kisses him again, feeling Minho smile against his lips. His heart just about exploded from happiness.


"Quit hogging the napkins, Minho!" Han reaches his hand to smack the top of Minho's knuckles, watching him laugh with a bowl of seaweed soup ahead of them.

They had ordered take out around an hour ago, both famished and craving some sort of salty soup and a bowl of white rice. Han offered to go pick it up to reduce the cost of the food, but Minho kept him on his bed with kisses strung around his neck and jawline.

"Give me the bowl of rice then," Minho turns his gaze to face Han, watching him hold the bowl of rice in his free hand.

"Why should I?"

"You want a napkin so bad, so trade me."

"No." Han takes another bite of rice in front of Minho, watching his jaw tighten with playful jealousy.

"Jisung," Minho scowls, finally handing over one napkin with his free hand. Han's fingers snatch the napkin from Minho's grasp as he slowly begins to pass the bowl over, but not before taking another bite.

"HAN'AH!" Minho yells with a growing smile, watching Han laugh with his mouth full of rice. "You asshole."

"You're fun to tease." Han says after swallowing the mouthfuls of rice stuffed into his cheeks, watching Minho scrape the remaining half portion into his own empty bowl.

"Where the hell is Felix and Hyunjin at?" Minho asks, flicking his gaze over to Han as he watches him shrug.

"I dunno." Han looks around for his phone, shuffling through dormant garbage tossed onto Minho's bed from their impromptu dinner. "I texted him like twenty minutes ago."

"Classes should be done by now, yeah?" Minho takes a bite of rice, watching Han search for his phone carelessly. Minho's heart drops the second Han nearly knocks over his nearly empty bowl of soup. "Don't knock something over, Ji."

"I won't. I just don't know where I put my phone."

"Check your pocket?" Han looks at him with an irritated gaze, communicating with his eyes that he was, in fact, not that stupid. "Well?"

Han's hands begrudgingly searched his hoodie pocket, and to his unfortunate surprise, his phone was inside. Han's eyes go wide at first, then narrow, biting the inside of his lip as Minho watches him. Han looks away, pulling the phone out of his pocket as Minho starts to laugh.

"I was right, wasn't I?"

"Shut up." Han smiles, tapping his screen awake to eye recent messages and notifications. "He just texted, actually."

"Are they here yet?"

"Felix said they're a minute away. I'll go wait for them at the door." Han turns his legs carefully off of the bed, but feels a hand grab onto his, causing his head to look back at Minho who was suddenly very close to him.

Minho's hand finds the right side of Han's jaw, holding him gently as he kisses him. It took Han by surprise, but one he welcomed happily.

"As much as I'd like to keep kissing you," Han breathes for a moment, pressing another kiss to Minho's lips. "I gotta let our friends in."

"They know how to open a door," Minho smiles, chasing Han's retreating lips and kissing him again, nearly convincing Han to crawl back into bed, but Han's phone vibrates which causes him to pull away.

"I'll be back." Han reaches to press a kiss to Minho's temple as he stands, walking away from his bed and through his doorway.

Between eating their takeout and laughing with one another, Felix had called Minho, worried that he hadn't heard from him in a couple of hours after their conversation outside of the campus. Minho had reassured him that everything was fine and offered for him to come over so they could chat, but also invited Hyunjin over too. Felix happily agreed, as did Hyunjin, and said they'd be over after class was over. Han was surprised at the invitation extended towards their friends, and Minho only told him it was a surprise as to why.

Minho sits on the bed, drinking the remainder of his soup as he clears his bed of plates and plastic-wear, leaving the cluttered mess to gather on his nearby side table. He sits cross-legged on his bed, phone on his thigh with messy hair and tired eyes. He was begging for a nap as sleep escaped him just the night before, but he was determined to make things right.

"Guess who I have?" Han says as a joking surprise, walking in the room with Felix and Hyunjin following closely behind.

"How was class?" Minho smirks, nearly happy he missed it.

"Boring," Hyunjin frowns. "Be glad you weren't there."

"Oh, I'm glad alright." Minho scoffs, scooting backwards on his bed as Han sits next to him, leaving space for their two friends to huddle on top of the bed too. It was kind of a tight fit, but no one seemed to mind.

"So?" Felix looks to Minho and Han, almost expecting an explanation of the events for the past two hours. Han also looks to Minho, really confused as to why this gathering was even necessary.

"I, uhm." Minho sighs, allowing his tense shoulders to relax as he reaches over to Han, palm resting face up on Han's knee. Han's gaze drops to the invitation, one he's grown awfully accustomed to, slotting his fingers blissfully with Minho's. "We're together now. I'm sorry we didn't tell you and we kept it from you two, but there was a lot of stuff we both had to deal with. Once we laid everything out on the table, it just seemed like a huge misunderstanding. We were both just terrified of hurting each other, so we pushed and pushed until we fell apart. It didn't feel like we were given how connected we were, but we were lying to one another and avoiding having a conversation about our feelings. We aren't afraid anymore, though. We just want to be together."

Han's heart is melting affectionately now, eyes glancing down to their slotted hands before raising towards their friends, watching their faces grow soft smiles. Felix looked so incredibly happy and hardly surprised, not wanting to interrupt Minho in a moment of intense joy for his friends, so he stays quiet until Minho is finally done talking.

"I don't even know what to say right now!" Felix smiles, his hands landing on one of their knees separately. "I'm so glad you guys worked it out. I was scared that you guys wouldn't talk it through."

"I'm happy you guys talked." Hyunjin adds quietly and Minho visibly relaxes.

"Thank you," Han looks to his friends, then back to Minho. "The whole pool thing was an accident. We got so caught up in one another that we didn't think about anyone seeing us."

"You shouldn't be sorry, I'm sorry that we imposed. I really regret cornering you, Ji. It really was none of my business." Felix assures, but Minho shakes his head.

"If there was anyone that deserved to know, it was both of you. We're both your friends, and while we did have our reasons for not telling anyone, it doesn't make it any less wrong."

"I'm just happy you guys worked it out. I was rooting for you two, y'know? I don't need an apology, but I'm thankful you thought of us that way." Felix watches Han smile at him.

"You've always rooted for us." Han's head tilts to the side, resting carefully on Minho's shoulder.

"Well, thank you for telling us and trusting us with knowing." Hyunjin turns to look at Felix, offering the same invitation Minho offered Han moments ago. Felix's hand finds the open palm as they slot their fingers together and Minho's eyes open wide. Han laughs at him, almost forgetting how oblivious he was about their relationship. "I guess they deserve to know, too. Right Lix?"

"Oh!" Minho smiles. "Wow, okay. Han did you know?"

"Yeah," He smiles, looking up at Minho.

"I mean, I kind of guessed something was going on, but, wow."

"I'm happy for you two." Han sighs contently. "Does anyone else know?"

"Seungmin and Chan know. Haven't had the chance to tell Jeongin or Changbin yet."

"Well considering how much school Changbin misses, you might as well just call him." Minho listens to the group collectively laugh softly, smiling at his own honesty.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Hyunjin admits as the sound of a vibrating phone stirs everyone's attention away. Hyunjin reaches for his phone, tapping the screen a few times until a text message thread appears before him. Felix leans over, eyes scanning the phone for a clue as to who was texting him.

"It's Chan." Hyunjin's eyes scan the text, reading through the words as he looks up and smiles at his friends who are basically waiting for an explanation wordlessly. "He's having a party this weekend since his parents won't be home."

"Did you guys want to go?" Felix asks, knowing fully well Han might say no.

Minho looks at Han, eyes warm as a question presses against his tongue. "Up to you."

"Well. . . it's just a party." Han shrugs. "We'll go."

"Who knows," Minho continues to look at Han, heart warm with his chest on fire. "Maybe we'll play spin the bottle again."

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