Sitting by the kitchen counter, Yeosang watched in silence as Seonghwa was pouring two glasses of La Mission Haut Brion - as they always used to drink together, before breaking up. To be put back into a familiar setting like that was strangely calming, which felt quite surprising to Yeosang, who had been certain he would never set his foot inside Seonghwa's apartment again.

"Thank you," he politely said as he accepted one of the glasses, but his eyes made sure not to linger too long in the older's direction.

But when Seonghwa walked around the black marble counter, with his fingers stroking over the smooth surface as he moved, Yeosang found it hard to look away. Seonghwa then sat down next to him, raising his glass to his lips.

"It never disappoints," the older stated, referring to the wine - but at his next words, Yeosang felt rather confused, and unsure wether Seonghwa was still talking about the wine or something entirely different. "Some things are always certain, giving no reason to go try something new in hopes it'll be better, when you already know what is best for you - don't you agree?"

Yeosang had the wine trickling over his tongue, and the words kept circulating in his mind. He did agree to a certain extend, but at the same time he couldn't help but find the older a bit hypocritical, talking like that with the things he had done himself.

"Sure..." Yeosang simply mumbled with another sip of the wine.

One glass turned into two, and halfway through the second one, the tense silence between them seemed to fade away.

"So tell me, what were you really doing out in the cold, all by yourself?" Seonghwa asked him, obviously knowing that something was up. He had always had a way of doing so, the problem however, had been that he rarely acted upon it. Instead, his brows would furrow down and he would look at Yeosang with that particular look of registering something was wrong, but choosing to ignore it.

So how come this time was different?

"It doesn't matter now..." Another sip, another mumble. Yeosang bit his lower lip, not caring if Seonghwa was going to tell him not to this time - but the older didn't comment on it at all.

Instead, he slowly leaned in closer, his hand slipping across the kitchen counter and carefully stopping right by Yeosang's. Their skin almost touched - not quite yet, but it was very close.

"I never slept with someone else." Seonghwa suddenly said, and this time Yeosang was too surprised not to look away. "I'll admit, I cheated on you, yes, but it was mostly mentally and not physically. Not that it makes it better in any way."

"Why are you telling me this?" With a frown, Yeosang stared at the older, confused and feeling a bit suspicious too. Much like himself, Seonghwa had never been good at admitting it when he made a mistake.

"Because I miss you." The answer came promptly and firmly. Seonghwa let his index finger brush just slightly against Yeosang's pinky, sending a stream of all kinds of emotions through his body. "I made a mistake, and I am sorry. I know it'll never make up for what I did to you, but just know that I've missed you so much, and that I've always only loved you."

The look on Seonghwa's face was one Yeosang had never seen before - soft, vulnerable, sorry. But such a look would have been lovely to see long ago, and not now after they had already broken up...

"I don't know if you ever feel this way," Seonghwa continued. "Like you are drowning in all the expectations that are set up for you? Act a certain way, feel a certain way... Always do what is right in the eyes of others, and not what you truly feel like yourself? I did what I did, as some kind of diversion, but I chose to do it in a way that hurt you, and I apologize for that."

Seonghwa kept talking, words that Yeosang had never thought he'd hear coming from the older's mouth, and he just sat there in silence listening in complete shock. The touch of Seonghwa's hand found his own, their fingers gently intertwined in that way Yeosang used to love.

"You and I, we were made for each other, but I was too stressed out to see it. Can you ever forgive me?" Seonghwa got up from his seat, still holding Yeosang's hand in his own as he slowly came closer. "Yeosang?"

Heart in his throat, and guilt filling his mind - thinking about San and what they had already shared together. Was it over before it even really started? Yeosang couldn't help but wonder, and while he tried his hardest to find the right answers to all the questions in his head, nothing showed up.

San did stand him up tonight though, leaving him out in the cold - alone and hurt. It didn't make things better when thinking about how Yeosang had said the words I love you, with nothing in return the other day... In fact, it only made it worse - and it caused him to do something he was almost certain he would regret later on.

But in that moment, he didn't care.

Within seconds his lips found the familiar touch of Seonghwa's against them. Soft and silk-like, and just like Yeosang remembered. As the kiss got more heated, he let Seonghwa pick him up from the chair and lift him up to sit on the counter instead. Arms wrapped around each other, Yeosang was held in a warm embrace that he suddenly couldn't remember why he ever wanted to escape from.

His body was heating up from the way Seonghwa was kissing and touching him, but suddenly, it hit him - it would never work out. Now he knew for a fact that he would never be satisfied to feel another person being the one on top...

"Seonghwa..." He whispered, as he broke the kiss.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Don't worry, I don't want your first time to be on a kitchen counter either..."

And that made Yeosang close his mouth shut, tight. First of all, was Seonghwa actually insinuating that they finally were about to sleep together? And second, the guilt that wouldn't leave him alone for even one second.

He and San had yet to make things official between them, they hadn't even been close to having the talk, and after the things that had happened recently, Yeosang doubted it ever would happen...

"Let's go get some rest." Seonghwa placed a kiss on Yeosang's nose before letting go of him and offering his hand to help Yeosang get down from the counter.

Perhaps it had been the hesitation, which had painted itself in clear strokes over Yeosang's face, or maybe something else - but either way, Seonghwa didn't try to take things further when they got to the bed. One new thing happened though, he let Yeosang cuddle up against him all night, holding Yeosang tight and placing kisses in his hair until he fell asleep.

♡

"Still no reception?" Yeosang mumbled, pacing around the living area of the cabin his family always went to for the Holidays, in the French Alpine town of Annecy. It had been three days now, with him fiddling with his phone and trying to get it to work - but without any luck.

Snow was falling outside the windows, decorating the landscape with its white, glistening touch, calming and beautiful under the morning sun. Everything looked perfect from the outside, but Yeosang was feeling extremely restless on the inside.

The fact that the wifi seemed to be down, and his phone couldn't find any reception at all by itself, was the lesser evil - but still something that bothered him quite a lot. The guilt, which had grown in his mind since the night at Seonghwa's, was still going strong and despite him seeing a completely new side of the older, he still felt bad about what he did.

They didn't much time to talk about it though, as Yeosang had to leave early in the morning to fly to France with his parents. And now, even thousands of miles away from all the trouble he had caused, he still couldn't let himself feel calm.

"Someone's at the door, could you open it honey?" His mother called from the room next door, at the sound of the doorbell, and Yeosang walked towards the door with a sigh.

As the night where he waited for San, the only thing on Yeosang's mind was to clear things up with San - to see him, hold him and know that it really was supposed to be the two of them. But once again, the universe didn't send him what he truly wanted - or did it?

"Seonghwa?"

The older looked at him, snow in his dark hair and slightly rosy cheeks, while a hesitant smile showed on his perfect face and an overnight bag in his hand.

"Merry Christmas," the older said, leaning in to kiss Yeosang on the lips.

But Yeosang quickly turned his head to the side, causing the kiss to land on his cheek instead. Seonghwa furrowed his brows a bit, but he didn't comment on it.

"What are you doing here?" Yeosang asked, but he did show the older inside - not wanting to be rude and let him stand outside in the snow.

"Your parents invited me, remember? I wasn't going to come here after we broke up, but after the other night I thought... Well, and your mother called me two days ago to ask if I was still coming."

Yeosang didn't respond, he simply watched in silence as Seonghwa took off his long coat and when the older looked at him, he nodded slowly. Sure, he remembered, from last Christmas where Seonghwa came to visit him in Annecy, and his parents cheered for a new Holiday tradition and everlasting love.

And his parents were thrilled to see Seonghwa again, seemingly pretending that the breakup never happened.

As the day went on, Seonghwa's changed behavior stayed the same - and it was strange. Yeosang had never experienced him being so attentive and affectionate before, and he wasn't quite sure what to feel about it. Seeing him sitting on the couch by the fireplace in the evening, in a navy cable knit sweater with his reading glasses on and a book in his lap - it was the perfect image, of the most perfect man in the world.

But would it ever be enough?

"Yeosang? Come," Seonghwa smiled at him, as he noticed Yeosang watching him from the door. Mr. and Mrs. Kang had said goodnight already, leaving Yeosang alone with the older.

Yeosang hesitated for a few seconds, until now he had avoided as much physical contact as possible, although Seonghwa had made it hard to do so. It wasn't that Yeosang despised it, he only wished that it had happened when they were still together and not now - not now when someone else was on his mind.

He sat down at the other end of the couch, hugging his legs in front of him, while staring into the flames of the fireplace. Not even the sound of Seonghwa closing the book and scooting closer caused him to move, he simply just sat there - lost inside himself.

"Yeosang?" A gentle tone and an equally gentle touch against his jaw and neck. "I am aware that things can't go back to what they used to be, and it is my mistake. But if you let me, I'll do anything to show you what you mean to me."

Slowly turning his head, Yeosang looked into the brown eyes next to him, but only for a few seconds before their lips met in a kiss. Seonghwa carefully moved both of them around, until he was lying on top while their tongues were twisting around each other.

There was something oddly comforting about feeling the older's weight on top of him again... Maybe his parents were right, maybe he wasn't supposed to be the one in charge, to lead and make decisions. Maybe, it was better this way.

Seonghwa's hands began exploring his body, and Yeosang had a small moan on his tongue. Their bodies were grinding slowly against each other, and Yeosang felt the older's hard erection stroking against his inner thighs.

"I want you, so bad," Seonghwa whispered in his ear, and the words alone were enough to make Yeosang's body tremble.

"Wait!" Yeosang suddenly exclaimed, just as the older's hand was rubbing in lovely circles between his legs. His head was spinning, and he felt so confused.

He was in love with San, not Seonghwa - but San didn't seem to feel the same way. And now he was here, alone with Seonghwa, who looked so beautiful in the glow from the fireplace. The perfect, handsome and ambitious Park Seonghwa.

"It's okay," Seonghwa then smiled at him. "We will wait."

Yeosang let the older hold him instead, and when it was time for bed, Seonghwa helped him to the bedroom and tugged him in, with a kiss on the forehead. Absolutely drained mentally, from all the thoughts and emotions running through him, Yeosang fell asleep right away.

Lost in a deep, peaceful sleep he didn't notice the vibrations against the nightstand, from his phone that finally found reception, and three days old messages started to roll in. Messages, which Yeosang would have loved to see right when needed, which he now didn't get to read.

But, someone else did...

Choi San:

"Sangie, I need to talk to you.
Please call me, it's important."

"Yeosang? Please, I need you right now."

"I love you too.
I'm sorry I didn't say it back, things are a big mess..."

"Don't hate me, please.
I'm sorry."

"I love you."

- deleted -

♡