Alaska Monroe was homesick. This spawned an ache, a tremor rattling her ribs until they seemed to burst upon her heart. Why? Because the place she called home was not a patient house in suburbia, beckoning her back. Nor was it an apartment nestled in the city, with a perch for people watching.

Her home was just out of reach, a division created by the rise and fall of her chest. It was six below, under her old sneakers and her hands which begged to dig into the dirt to retrieve what she loved.

Her home was collected of the people she had lost.

The girl's fingers stretched towards the door of her car, and gently tapped the button to roll down the window. Her slender hands were a canvas for her forgetful mind. Little notes in messy black ink scrawled her sunkissed skin, prodding her to recall her grocery and task lists. Her short nails sported a layer of chipped black polish, matching the writings hue.

Cool air rushed in through the window, howling into her ears as the atmosphere swallowed her up. Her foot pressed onto the gas pedal, driving her faster and faster along the open road. Tree swirled around like a kaleidoscope, merging into the leaves and stop signs until everything was a blur.

Her breath was hitched at the back of her throat. It seared into her like a hot iron, burning the sides of her throat together until she couldn't breathe. She gripped the steering wheel, knuckles washed of pigment from her vice hold. Her eyes were decorated with twinges of red from the tears stabbing their backs. Their vibrance was enhanced by the scarlet sorrow, a jade vivid as the Aurora Borealis sky. And perhaps just as lonely.

The wind touched her face, a comforting hand on her cheek to dry her tears. The humidity rolled in too, carrying the aroma of wild honeysuckle and traces of the afternoon's rain. Her lips, plush and peony pink, trembled between the teeth clamped over it. The night's soiree glimmered overhead. Her vision was cloudy, still she could see the incandescently vivacious stars dressed to the nines overhead. The moon hosted the affair, and seemed to broadly grin back at her.

She gazed ahead, paying no mind to the speed her vehicle hurled forward at. She was far to ensnared in the dark corners of her mind for that. She tried to take a deep breath to swallow the feeling of wanting to scream. It was all encompassing. The words she never spoke were confined by her form, chained by her tongue and fighting every defense she had to be let out.

Her stomach was sick. Tied in knots, unwell as her touch starved and exhausted body. When was the last time she had slept? A few minutes last night, an hour the one before? Alaska ran a hand over her face and dragged her nails over her skin, leaving a searing sensation behind.

Harder her foot pressed into the gas pedal, driving her towards a broken guard rail roped off by neon duck tape. 30 feet. Alaska's shaking hand slinked down to her seatbelt like an alley cat, and pressed the red button to unlock it.

She longed for her home. For the boy who'd been collected of all things beautiful. For the fireflies he had captured in his eyes to make the hazel so bright. For the crooked smile on his blush lips, and they way a chuckle always followed. The melody of his voice rang through her head, bouncing off the walls of her mind along with her mother's yelling. The vicious words that woman had spewed had cut Alaska in a way glass never could.

Her mother had wished she was dead. A fact Alaska was numb to after she had heard it so many times. It came back at her now.

It was like the girl was sat at the dock of a lake. The water was inviting, swirling by her feet to entice her to join. But the cerulean tides were a collection of tragedies Alaska's suffered which secretly wished to drown her. Placing her foot into the water would mean sinking, and normally she could resist the temptation.

But tonight the water had finally dragged her in. It pulled her legs, clawing up her skin until her bone was exposed and easy to clutch. Her mom's perfume filled her nostrils with the wretched scent of booze, filling and filling her lungs. Her boyfriend's sick whispers were shivers up her spine, and her friend's face was decaying beside her.

20 feet.

Alaska didn't want to fight anymore. She didn't want to kick up to the surface, or see the rays of light piercing through the blue. For god knows what reason she was breathing, living beside a plethora of ghosts she knew better than anyone else. She didn't deserve this life- she knew that.

Still... surely she didn't deserve this torment either, right?

Streetlights bored down on her to create a spotlight for her grief. The summer air kissed her tears, drying them fast as they could even with their steady falling. The wildflowers watched from the sidelines, swaying in the dark without a voice to sound the horror of what they were witnessing. Her mouth tasted of salt, bitter on the back of her tongue from how bile threatening to rise up her throat.

The cloth seats of her car hugged her back, desperately trying to ease her ache. Alaska's features were twisted, drawn into a grimace like a portrait displaying anguish words could not. Her eyebrows knit together, dark and stormy as the determination lapsing in her eyes.

Her car roared, screaming when Alaska couldn't. The engine wailed the blighting fear of how hastily it hurdled down the jaggedly paved road. The on-look past the broken guard rail caught Alaska's gaze for a split second. Just past this world she steered down was a horizon of blooming trees, and smokey mountains.

The grand sky was sketched in charcoal now, ink blots between the glistening stars and enchantress called the moon. The faint glimpses of brightness it shed fell onto those tree, flush with blossoms of fuchsia and lavender hues. What a lovely place to sink.

Alaska's breathing eased ever so slightly, alleviating the weight as relief crept closer. She didn't believe in the after life. She didn't think she's reconcile with her demons or angels, and find the peace she dreamt of. She did know she'd be rescued from this purgatory of her life and the death of those she called home.

Ten feet.

And what reason was there to stay? This thought invaded her head, one of those rays of sunlight beaconing through the water. She tried to disregard it, to close her eyes. But it left it's pattern on the back of her shadowy eyelids, sparking a pulse back to her chest.

Her neck was in pain, vice gripped by her attempts not to sob. Hadn't every hint of joy been stolen from her by now? She'd searched for hope, wishing she could find it but it evaded her with every glance. The little lines on the road guided her, walking hand in hand to her death bed. The closer she got the more nagging that thought became.

Did she have a reason to stay?

Alaska's eyes became an overcast sky of churning indecision. The clouds clung to her irises, bleeding into the green and darkening it as she thought of the plummet. The sound of her brakes squealing, and the blistering of her engine sparking a fire, the impact of the cliffs. Excruciating pain for a moment didn't sound too bad compared to the past few months.

Five feet.

Another ray of light bursted down in the last moments. Her uncle. He had taken her in, and in the last weeks she'd been staying with him he'd been going on about wanting to make up for lost time. His jaunty grin came to mind, coupled with his concerned voice asking her if she was alright after all that had happened. She had been trying so hard to brush off his worries, make him think she was doing alright.

What would he think when he got a call saying she'd driven her car off a cliff?

Alaska's demeanor softened in those final moments before her car reached the end of the rope. She shook her head, shivers running up her entire body until she was trembling. Relief, an escape, drowning was so damn close. Her body longed for it, her mind begged to be put to rest in a primal desire for a way out.

She pressed her lips together, containing her boxy wracking sobs just long enough to turn her car. If she'd waited any longer it would have been too late, in the knick of time she spun her wheel and sent her car spiraling for a second. Her brakes still squealed, loudly crying in relief as her tires rolled to a halt.

She slammed her head back into the seat, and shattered into a million pieces. Hopeless, suicidal and too weak to end it.

No wonder her mother had never been proud.

——

Alaska's car rolled to a stop, settled itself with a blissful hum of sleep in her uncle's driveway. She took the keys from the ignition before tilting the rear view towards her. Her reflection was spattered in traces of light from the flickering street lamp just beside her. She was a ghost. A haunting image so estranged from the soul of mirth she once knew.

Her eyes collected tears like people collected keepsakes from loved ones. Pools were stored in a haze over the drained green color, still. Her lips were swollen, and the tip of her nose was red while her dark hair stuck to her face. Her stomach twisted until all she wished she could sink into her seat. Her shoulders were heavy on her frame, pushing her down like a schoolyard bully.

She was so damn tired.

Alaska ran a hand through her hair to push it away from her face, before pulling the chocolate locks. The pain of the motion ran across her skull, prompting goosebumps to pop up on her arms. It also momentarily eased her throbbing headache. Her heartbeat in her head, it was alarm ringing over and over again and Alaska was sure the only way to silence it would be to stick her face in icy water.

Vulnerability was not a mistress Alaska often fell victim to. The bruise it left on her skin after their rendezvous came in the form of uncharacteristic puffy eyes flushed cheeks. She took a deep breath, letting air rattle her lungs and steady her hands. She did her best to clean herself off with what she had in her car. A bottle of water in the cupholder and a box of tissues in the middle console. It was useless. Only time could truly hide tonight's shameful affair.

She squinted towards the electric green time display. Her vision was distorted, it took her blinking a few times to even be able to make out the blurry numbers. 9:47 PM.

"Damn," Alaska's voice had a thick rasp hiding her usually smooth tone. Her heart beat quickly again, thumping as if it couldn't take much more. She had hoped it would be later, it seemed later after all.

To her chagrin, it was still early enough for her uncle to be awake. Alaska tilted her head down to her hands, specifically to the dead skin by her nail beds. She picked at it, tearing it from her fingers as her mind began to wander. This time searching for something calming instead of distressing to alleviate her stress. If she could trick herself into picturing beautiful things perhaps the atmosphere she carried could shift enough to convince her uncle she was alright.

As she closed her eyelids they felt weightless. After all their strain shutting them was akin to fading into a grassy field after hours of working in the blistering heat. Heat. Alaska conjured a summer's day from long ago to mind, recalling on of the few blissful memories she had. When had it been? The backs of her eyes danced with a vibrant display of hues, popping in and out of the ebony backdrop.

June, she wanted to say. When she was just a kid, six years old and untouched by the world. The blades of grass went past her shoulders, tickling her sunburnt skin. Her dark freckles had been just as prominent as they were today, though her hair was a shade or two paler. The sky had been perfect as an oil painting. The ivory clouds swept over the cornflower canvas, a mirage drifting euphorically overhead. It had almost been close enough to touch, or so it seemed when she was young.

A river sang it's sweet tune, using it's full body to create the rhythm. Her mother's face was still alit by joy not yet raptured by seething hatred. They'd spent hours running across the field, listening to the rocks crunch beneath their shoes. They had picked ripe raspberries from the plentiful bushes until it stained their lips. The aroma complimented the buzz of the bees, and how it felt to watch them flit from flower to flower.

They had stayed out there until evening fell, and fireflies began to glow. A small smile twisted Alaska's lips as she thought back. The darkness had contrasted the magical creatures so beautifully it had stolen her breath away. If only she had caught one and kept it in a jar to remind herself of that small joy for times like these.

She cracked her eyes open, much to their protest to drift into a well earned slumber. If she were lucky she may be able to slip inside unnoticed, then again Alaska had never been in Lady Luck's favor.

Sighing, she stepped out of her car and locked it behind her. Not that she really needed to in this town, with it's trustworthy patrons. It was far from the city she used to belong to, the one that knew her better than she knew herself. She walked up the pathway of stone leading to the front door. Her uncle's house was a bit odd, just like the man himself. Lawn decorations lived outside, while the rest of the house was sleek and clean displaying.

She unlocked the door and stepped inside, holding her breath until she closed it back softly. She didn't get the chance to turn around before his familiar voice filled her ears.

"You were out late."

~what do you guys think so far?~

Hello lovely readers! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter despite it's sad subject matter. If you did, please let me know in the comments and vote! It's been awhile since i've written an original story, but i have had this idea for a very long time so i'm pretty excited! Again, as this is a draft i'm not putting pressure on it to be perfect but i do still hope it was alright! Anyway, thank you for reading and have a wonderful day/night!