TW // Mentions of cutting, manipulation

"Are you sure you aren't-"

"Of course Eomma," Jeongguk chuckled a bit, balancing the phone between his ear and shoulder as he got ready for uni, "I promised you, didn't I? I wouldn't do it again."

"Hm, I believe you," He could hear Jinkyong sigh in relief on the other end, "By the way, I wanted to tell you something."

"Okay?"

"Minho is coming to visit me, tonight. If you could, you know, take the train after your classes-"

"No, Eomma," Jeongguk gritted his teeth, "I- I am busy."

"My dear child," Jinkyong sighed, "He's going back to Japan tomorrow! If he completes his course which ends in 2 months, he can choose any university in the world to continue his studies! Do you know how happy he was when he called me to tell me about it?"

"I don't care," Jeongguk slung his bag over his shoulder, leaning back against the table with his eyes closed to contain his anger.

How can she love him so much, even after everything he caused?

"Gguk-"

"I have already told you he's no one to me, Eomma. I don't care if he goes to Japan or Egypt or anywhere else for that matter. I don't care. I just don't care."

Silence reigned for some time.

A silence, of the sort that should never exist between a mother and her son.

"Hwayoung is coming too."

Jeongguk let out a stuttered sigh at Jinkyong's words, an odd feeling bubbling up in his chest.

Sadness, anger, or both?

Probably both.

Or was it...fear?

"So what?" He finally mustered, hoping his voice wasn't too weak, "I don't want to see anyone. Especially them."

"Jeongguk," The said boy exhaled in frustration at the patronizing tone in his mother's voice, "What was in the past ended there, child. Forget about it. Hwayoung- Hwayoung misses you! And Minho- he is hurt when you behave like this. He is your brother! He deserves-"

"No he isn't!" Jeongguk snapped, startled at the volume of his voice. He just hoped Seokjin or, worse, Namjoon, wouldn't come upstairs to check on him.

That would lead to expectations and lies.

More lies.

"Gguk, son, they're all we have! They-"

"No! We are all we have!" Jeongguk exclaimed, "I only have you. And you only have me. That is enough. We don't need outsiders here! They'll only make things worse! Worse than they already are."

"Why are you so scared of them?" Jinkyong sounded slightly disturbed.

"I'm not!" Jeongguk said in a quiet tone, "I'm not scared of anyone. Except for myself, maybe."

"Kookie-"

"Don't call me that," Jeongguk's voice shook slightly at the all-too-familiar nickname, "I- I need to get to the uni now, Eomma. I'll call you at night. Bye!"

He quickly hung up, sitting down on his bed and burying his head in his hands.

I'll be here for you, okay?

Jeongguk shook his head, hand flying to his face to wipe off the first tear that had slowly started making its way down his cheek.

He hated this.

He hated this so much.

*****************

"It's okay, love. Do you think I'll ever hurt you on purpose?"

"...no, hyung."

"There's my baby," That contagious smile, again, "Now hold your arm out. It might hurt a bit but, you know you deserve it, right?"

"Y-yes, hyung."

He winced as the blade cut into his skin, leaving a scar that wasn't even half as deep as the one in his heart. The confusion, the pain, the fear, the-"

Soobin woke up screaming.

This wasn't an unusual thing. He woke up almost every day, like this.

But, it was never as intense as this.

Never so clear.

"Hyung?" Soobin looked up, startled, only to sigh in relief when he noticed Heeseung standing at the door.

"Yes, Hee? What time is it?" Soobin subtly wiped the sweat from his forehead, trying to look as nonchalant as possible even though he noticed the concerned look on the younger's face.

"It's only 6 in the morning, hyung," Heeseung said slowly, staring at the older's disheveled state.

It was clear there was something wrong.

"Aah, okay," Soobin sat up straighter, trying to compose himself, "Why are you up so early?"

"Uh, Jay wanted me to help out in the kitchen today. And, hyung," Heeseung immediately shifted to the matter at hand, "I heard screaming. Are you okay?"

"I- I'm okay, don't worry," Soobin cursed himself internally when he stuttered, "I just had a nightmare."

"A nightmare?" Both Heeseung and Soobin jumped when Sunghoon emerged from behind the former, "Are you okay, hyung? Do you need water or something?"

"No it's-" Soobin cut himself off when he found his heartbeat palpitating at the mere mention of his nightmare, "Actually, some water would be nice, please."

"Okay, I'll go get it for you," Sunghoon smiled before rushing off to the kitchen.

Soobin dropped his gaze when he noticed Heeseung's still-concerned gaze," I'm okay, Hee. Stop worrying, okay?"

Heeseung smiled a bit, even though he was not completely convinced, "Yeah, okay hyung. Drink the water Hoon brings and go back to sleep, okay? I'll wake you up in an hour."

Soobin nodded, putting on his most convincing smile as Sunghoon entered the room with a glass of water, "Here, hyung. Drink up, and get back to sleep."

Soobin thanked both of them as they left, closing the door behind them.

The smile dropped clean off his face, like dewdrops down a leaf.

Do you think I'll ever hurt you on purpose?

He let out a soft chuckle, the first tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

Why were you so naïve, Soobin? Why?

Because you were scared? 

Suddenly, he was sobbing, sobbing as quietly as he could into his hands. He was so scared; so scared, even though it was all over. It was over, but his heart wasn't convinced yet.

He wasn't convinced yet.

It hurt; it hurt so much, to wake up every night in a cold sweat, to relive all those burning memories one by one, to hurt his psyche every single day, to hate himself more and more.

He hated this.

He hated this so much.

ℑ 𝔱𝔯𝔶 𝔱𝔬 𝔴𝔞𝔩𝔨 𝔞𝔴𝔞𝔶 ~ 𝔟𝔲𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔡𝔬𝔫'𝔱 𝔩𝔢𝔱 𝔪𝔢.

A/N: I will try to update as much as possible, but please bear with me if I'm late! If you have any questions about the characters, you can ask down below. Comment what you think about the story, vote, and keep supporting! Love yourself, and remember that 'you' are a priority. Borahae!

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