[ park jay ]

park jay:
jake
are we okay?
did something happen?
please
let's talk
did i do something wrong?
i'm worried.

---------

jake didn't know that it would come to this.

it was like fate is playing games with him. because, what in the actual fuck is happening to his life?

do i deserve this? did i deserve to be feeling this pain?

he still can see the image, very clearly. his best friend— kissing the guy that jake once liked. was that a dare? a mistake? or was it... deliberate?

he sobbed once again, crying his heart out. his tears just won't stop even though he feels completely dried out. the pain just won't stop. it hurts. it fucking hurts like a bitch.

jake had to act like he still has his shit together, so he went to class like it's a normal day. he listened to lectures, and he answered the quizzes. he had to pretend like he was fine, he has to.

but after seeing jay standing in the hallway of their classroom— all the bottled up feelings just opened up again. i just can't hide when it comes to him, can i?

he took a sharp breath before walking past his best friend, his supposed to be— the other half. he had to pretend that he doesn't know him, because he just can't pour out his emotions to him again.

i don't want to overwhelm him anymore. i feel like i'm suffocating him.

he couldn't bear to see jay now, without remembering what he witnessed last night. every time jake closes his eyes, the exact image flashes through his mind on repeat— tormenting him.

after a few more minutes of wiping his tears inside the cubicle of the comfort room, jake gets out while the corner of his eyes are still a bit red.

they have a practice game in the afternoon, and as much as jake wants to go, he doesn't have the guts to face jay. i'm scared. i'm scared of what he's going to say once he sees me.

i'm sure he doesn't even know what i saw last night... and he must've been feeling confused now... but i just can't talk to him. not yet.

-----------

"i need you to find out what's wrong with jake."

sunghoon stopped typing on his computer while his eyes glanced at his friend who just barged inside their org room.

"sir, you've got the wrong person. this isn't fbi," sunghoon says in a teasing tone. "we're a journalism club, not a detective conan fanclub."

jay couldn't even laugh at his remark. the guy just sighed and sat on the couch. jake's not responding to his texts, and he doesn't answer his calls. this feels like a dejavu of the time where i forgot to meet him for dinner.

did we have a plan beforehand? i'm sure i told him that i needed some time... and here i thought he liked me, but the way he acted earlier... his eyes were cold. it's as if he doesn't recognize me.

he was drunk last night. what if he did something stupid?

oh right. i kissed heeseung. he grunted and hit his head with a throw pillow. did i do another stupid thing besides that?

"if you went here just to repeatedly hit yourself with our pillow, please just leave. you're interrupting my focus." sunghoon speaks again as he continues to type something on his computer.

"did i do something dumb last night?" please say no.

"how dumb are we talking about here? because drinking all of my booze and getting wasted is already a huge act of dumbness."

jay glared at him. "no, not that kind of dumb. uh, like... did i drunk call someone?"

sunghoon clicks his tongue, pretending to think deeply. "dunno. you were knocked out when heeseung and i dragged your ass outside of my house. try asking him, maybe you did something crazier when he dropped you home."

yeah, i did something crazy to him.

jay wanted to cry. this isn't going the way he was planning it to happen and he's about to jump off a window somewhere.

"dude, stop stressing yourself out. everything's going to work out in the end, eventually." sunghoon tried to console him.

he shook his head. "i just wish things would just go back to the way it was before."

sunghoon removed his eyeglasses before staring at his friend.

"go back to what exactly? it's no use, your situation's going to change either way. ever since you started liking your best friend, you made a point of no return." he gave jay a knowing smile.

jay gets quiet and sunghoon continued his work. after a few minutes, yuna and sunoo walked inside the room. sunoo proceeds to sit beside him while yuna casually greets him.

"jay! when are you going to give a decision to dean? he's getting impatient already." she asked, her backpack hanging on her shoulder.

ah right. i almost forgot about that. "i haven't made a decision yet."

sunoo turns his head to look at him. "but why? it's like your dream to do an internship in paris."

"it's not like i don't want to, bub. i just... i still have things to fix here."

sunoo must've gotten what he meant and just nodded at him. "oh, okay. have you talked to jake yet?"

jay looks at him, does he have any idea why jake is ignoring me? "what about jake?"

"huh?" his roommate has a puzzled face. "i thought you two had something to talk about since i saw him in front of our apartment last night... right before heeseung hyung brought you home."

right before— no way. no fucking way.

did he...? but that seems impossible. or is it? did he really see me and heeseung?

---------

[ heeseung 🙂 ]

jay:
i have a question
pls answer it

heeseung 🙂:
hi to you too
what question?
go ahead

jay:
we kissed
and then
did you see someone?

heeseung 🙂:
oh so you remember
i thought you won't, since you were pretty much knocked out

jay:
i remember
i'm not dumb
so did you see someone outside that time?

heeseung 🙂:
no?
the only one i was seeing that time was your face
how could i see anyone else when your lips were on mine?

jay:
OKAY I GET IT
jfc you could've just answered yes or no

heeseung 🙂:
fine
no i didn't see anyone else

jay:
ok ok
thanks

heeseung 🙂:
for what
the kiss?

jay:
NO
will u pls stop mentioning it

heeseung 🙂:
alright sorry
it's not a topic that we could just talk over text so i'll stop

jay:
it's a topic that we shouldn't talk about anymore

heeseung 🙂:
ah
i get it
you want me to forget that it happened?

jay:
ofc
i mean it's not like we both want that to happen haha
i was just drunk that time

heeseung 🙂:
right
okay then
i'll think of it as a mistake
but for the record, i didn't regret that kiss.

-----------

i knew it.

heeseung sighed and put his phone inside his backpack before getting back to his work.

it wasn't a shock that jay would choose to forget what happened to them, since he wasn't even that sober that time. heeseung expected that he would act like it was some kind of a mistake.

he expected it, but still... it was a bit painful to hear it coming from jay.

should i take this as his answer? he's still probably going to choose jake over me, in everything.

i should just give this up. this is for the better.

----------

in the end, jake skipped his afternoon classes and only stayed inside his apartment to binge-watch his comfort movies.

his concealer couldn't hide his puffy eyes so he had to pretend that he got sick instead. he planned to ditch their soccer practice so he's been ignoring his teammates' calls and texts, too.

i didn't want him to see me like this.

another call from his phone, but jake continued to focus on the movie's dialogues even though he already memorized every line of the characters.

jay also called and texted him, about countless times already. he was tempted to answer it every time, but he held back himself.

a loud ring of the door bell echoed through the walls of his apartment. jake almost could feel his heart skip a beat, as if he knew who is outside of the door.

i can't ignore him, it's too difficult for me.

when he opened the door, jay was looking at him with his eyes full of worry.

"jake, can we talk?" his best friend sounds so tired. "is there something wrong?"

jake stares at him blankly. does he really not know? or he's just pretending that he's clueless?

"did something happen? because i don't understand what's g—"

"heeseung."

jay stops talking when jake interrupted him, mentioning the name that he doesn't want to hear. not at this time.

seeing how his best friend reacts to heeseung's name made jake feel like crying again. he breathed deeply to stop himself.

"when... when did it start?"

jay looked at him, wide-eyed. "you saw us? jake, that was just a mistake— i was drunk!"

"jay, i... i honestly like you." a single tear rolled down his cheek. "but right after i confessed to you... you ended up kissing your friend— the same friend that broke me once. was my confession... a joke to you?"

"are my feelings not enough? why— why do i feel like you don't take me seriously?" jake's voice was already hoarse from crying.

jay shook his head. "it's not like that... please, jake—" he tried to come closer but jake pushed him away.

"it's so fucking painful... and i— why did i have to see that?" he cries harder, letting his knees fall to the floor.

"i'm sorry... i'm really sorry, jake... please," jay holds his arm. "i didn't want any of that to happen, please believe me."

jake stares at him again, this time his eyes are brimmed with tears.

"do you have feelings... for heeseung?"

"what? i..." jay's voice trails off, and hearing the answer of silence made jake confirm his doubts.

this time, the silence coming from his very own best friend broke his heart again.

----------

hello i'm back from the grave (i had colds for the past days and my brain is literally not functioning like wtf u useless sht)

ANYWAYS one more chapter left before we go to the 2nd half of this book! it's going to be exciting yay!