tw: mentions of trauma, violence, death

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i want to run away.

it's been a long time since he'd seen the face of his own mother. she aged, and heeseung would've been excited to see her if it wasn't for the crippling fear that he's feeling towards her.

twelve years ago, they would've been happy.

"h-how?! how could you let your own brother die?!"

heeseung closed his eyes as he remembered her words vividly. he could still remember it like it just happened yesterday... somehow, i wished i could forget everything.

- - -

"hyung, i want to build my own game someday!"

"and what game would you want to make?" heeseung chuckled, holding his brother's hand.

"hmm... i don't know yet," hyunwoo looks at him, confused. "maybe something that you like?"

his brother is two years younger than him, and they almost grew up together. hyunwoo is like his own best friend— the two never leave each other's side alone.

heeseung puts an arm around hyunwoo's shoulders. "a game that i like? i think you should make a game that you want, instead."

"nope, it's better if it's the one that you like. since i'm not picky with games, i'll play any game with you."

hyunwoo looks proud while saying that, so heeseung just laughs and ruffles his head. "alright then, i'll wait for that game of yours."

"you promise?"

"of course i promise."

they rode the taxi together on their way home, like they always do every time they finish school.

heeseung didn't have any idea that it was the last day... the last day that he'll see his brother.

it was a car accident.

heeseung saw hyunwoo bleeding beside him, unconscious... he didn't know what to do. he felt numb, his ears ringing. 

"h-hyunwoo..." he reached for his hand— it was cold. heeseung held it tight right before he passed out.

when he woke up, he saw his parents crying in front of him.

"m-mom? where's hyunwoo?" they didn't answer. instead, his father held his hand and looked at him while crying.

why are they not answering? where's my brother? is he safe?

"he's gone, heeseung. your brother did not make it."

heeseung shakes his head frantically. "n-no... that can't be... hyunwoo... he's alive—"

his head is spinning. he wants to scream at them, to tell them that his brother is still alive. he wanted to deny the truth.

why would someone... why would my brother die? he's still young, he's supposed to grow old with me...

how could this happen to him? why him?

- - -

heeseung's life changed. his parents tried so hard to act fine, but he knew them better. we were all struggling to live without our brother.

they left their hometown after a few months of grieving. he was depressed, and he didn't want to be in a new school. he didn't want to leave their old house, because that would mean leaving his brother behind.

"if only you tried your best to save your brother, then our life wouldn't be like this."

it was the first time that heeseung heard those words coming out of his mother's mouth. it sounded cruel, as if she meant every word that she said.

"m-mom?"

"don't call me that! you killed my son— you killed him!" she pushed me away, slapping me.

"minah, don't say that to heeseung! he's your child too!" father tried to stop my mom from hurting me.

but it was too late. her words struck like shards of broken glass pierced through every inch of my skin.

did i really kill my brother? is it my fault?

heeseung's mother grew distant from him. she would yell and hurt him every time he goes near her, but he endured it all.

"it's all part of her grieving for her lost son... i'm sorry, she's devastated and she's been projecting her anger towards you..." the psychiatrist tried to explain.

i get it. my mother wanted someone to blame for the loss of her son, and that was me.

but i'm her son too, right?

maybe, it would've been better if i was the one who died.

another month passed, and heeseung met sunoo. he's a bubbly kid— a polar opposite of him. he always sticks around heeseung, and somehow he isn't lonely anymore.

"hyung, you're hurt again?" sunoo pointed at the bruise on the side of my face.

"this is nothing." he bumped into the corner of the kitchen when his mother pushed him away last night while screaming at his face.

sunoo pouted. "how is that nothing? your face is precious, no one should hurt you!"

heeseung smiled and blinked fast, trying to stop getting tears in his eyes. he suddenly missed his brother.

sunoo never left his side for years. he stayed, even if he tried his best to push him away. he would always invite heeseung to his home, and sunoo's parents are kind to him.

"your mom... why is she doing this to you?" sunoo asked while applying an ointment on his wound.

it's because i killed her son, sunoo. i deserved to be treated like this.

after another couple of years, heeseung's father decided to divorce his mother. when he left, he tried to convince heeseung to go with him.

"it's fine, dad... i'm alright here." he replied quietly.

i'll be fine, i don't want to leave my mother. hyunwoo wouldn't like that.

besides, i've found friends here. they're enough reasons for me to stay.

- - -

when heeseung stepped into college, he finally got the courage to leave his mother. she's been getting therapy, and there would be days where she's not yelling or screaming curses at him.

however, heeseung's nightmares went worse. he couldn't sleep for days and every time he close his eyes, he could hear his mom's voice.

i didn't know what to do.

sunoo wasn't with him during his freshmen year, and he couldn't catch up with his studies. i wanted to give up.

he opted to take sleeping pills just so he could sleep without getting horrible dreams. it's like his mother's words are hunting him.

heeseung was struggling inside, and he didn't want sunoo to take part in it either. he didn't want him to know, so he kept it all bottled up inside.

until i decided to just let him go.

being friends with sunoo is better. i'm so afraid, that if i hold him too tight, he'll break. i don't want to break sunoo.

but i knew i did. seeing him everyday and acting like nothing happened pains him. it was for the best, that's what i tell myself.

that's what he also told himself when he rejected jake. just like sunoo, he deserves someone else. someone better.

for heeseung, he wants to fix himself— piece by piece. he doesn't want to use someone and take off bits of them, just so he could become whole.

but now that he's seeing his mother again, it feels like the pieces that he's been trying to glue together— are shattering again.

i wanted to run away.

i wanted to hide.

then suddenly, he felt it.

a warm hand, covering his own shaky hand. he looks beside him, and he sees jay holding him. there were no questions asked— jay just remained silent while standing beside him.

"mrs. lee, i'm really sorry but we're in a hurry..." heeseung overheard sunghoon talking to his mother. "heeseung still has to go to an after party, would it be okay for you to visit him tomorrow instead?"

his mom looks confused for a while before nodding. "it's fine, he should enjoy the party. he deserves it."

heeseung felt his breath hitched when his mother glanced at him while smiling.

"i guess i'll see you next time. please answer my calls, i'm worried about you." she comes closer to tap his shoulder.

"i know there's still a lot of things that we should talk about. i'm sorry, and congratulations again. i'm sure your brother is proud of you..." she plants a kiss on the side of his head before leaving.

heeseung finally lets out a sigh of relief as he sees her back walking away from them.

"what... the hell just happened?" jake had the courage to speak after all that tension.

he's really confused, but he doesn't want to pry into things. he glanced at jay, who's still holding heeseung's hand.

"damn, i feel like i need a drink after that." sunghoon unbuttons the first two buttons of his polo shirt.

jay finally lets go of heeseung's hand before going back to jake's side. i just hope he's alright now.

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:)

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