The small flame was put out at an instant, sending ribbons of grey into the air of the bedroom. It was dark now, not pitch black due to the cracked door but dark enough that Frank didn't feel the need to close his eyes as he laid to calm his mind.
Frank sighed as he settled his head onto his pillow, his hair falling over his eyes. His Headache had subsided a bit over the past hour or so and he allowed himself to sit and wait up for Gerard to join him for bed, but as the minutes passed on so did his hope for not sleeping alone tonight. It didn't happen very often but when it did it tore him to pieces, the lack of warmth was so apparent as was the quietness without Gerard breathing next to him or the hand that should be snugly wrapped around his waist under his worn out shirt that belonged to the older man.

The sweetness of rose and vanilla was overtaken by a harsh scent of smoke, that makes him scrunch up his face a little, burning his nose and pulling him from his numbness just a bit but not enough to stop his repetitive thoughts of his boyfriends name over and over.

He imagined the smoke that danced around the room from the blown out candle was from his lover's cigarette that he allowed himself before bed, he smiled sorrowfully thinking of how he'd tease him for his addiction even though he'd only quit himself a few years ago. He'd never pushed Gerard to stop himself, selfishly he loved the nostalgia watching the man smoke brought him. He could still feel the stolen kisses between drags behind the school building if he thought hard enough. Getting hooked on Gerard and his nicotine at the same time was surreal and he didn't think he'd ever forget the feeling.

He sighed, turning towards the other wall as if it would solve his discomfort.

His heart ached so much that it nearly felt real, his chest grew tight the more he let his thoughts wonder and his lungs burned like they were empty from screaming out for Gerard but he hadn't been, in fact the room had been silent for hours—so many hours that he was begging to forget what it felt like to speak even if it was to no one. He missed him so dreadfully to just hear his own pitiful thoughts he felt embarrassed, he yearned for just one word from the artist's lips directed to him and not cursed at his pencil for not supplying him with the words he needed. Or even a glance, one look, whether it be in passing or filled with enough hatred to make him crumble into a sobbing mess on the spot he'd thank him endlessly for whatever he could get at this point.

He pulled up the thick blanket as high as he could while still being able to see and he still felt cold. The cool air from the fan that always stayed on a low setting now cut his cheeks like razor blades where they were wet with slowly cascading tears. He couldn't gather the energy to dry them.

He remembered times where Gerard was there to wipe away his tears for him when he got too overwhelmed or to keep his distance and simply listen when he didn't want to be touched. He never really appreciated the gentleness and solicitude that his boyfriend showed him until the sweet moments were fewer and most of his days were spent going neurotic over his writing whether Frank was having a hard time or not. With the door closed and his music playing he didn't know the difference of when Frank was simply preparing dinner for them and chatting with friends on the phone or when he was ripping his hair out with his head pressed firmly against the same wall Gerard had shut him out of.
It'd been going on for a month now, he's started keeping count. Almost everyday, being shut out and ignored, competing against whatever was so addicting in Gerard's head that it now all of the sudden held all of his attention. It pained him like nothing else he'd experienced before in his twenty three years, his abdicability had never been so apparent to him until
now. He wasn't in denial though, he understood how unhealthy it was to be this dependent emotionally on someone else but with Gerard it was different, it had always been since he could remember.

The music never stopped even late into the night, you'd think someone as brilliant as Gerard wouldn't need inspiration to write, especially after all of his years of publishing and practice. It astonished Frank still, reading Gerard's works, that fucking Robert Smith somehow had a hand in the beauty Gerard was able to put into ink and paper. Each and every page, it was ridiculous really but it made Gerard who he was and because of that it was foolish to expect Frank to do anything but admire it.
The worst part was that The Cure made him sick, actual nausea washed over him in disgusting waves every time he heard them, even in public, like a pavlovian. The feeling of pure loneliness and abandonment that he felt when Gerard's room door shut and the record player started to read the vinyl was always in the back of his mind ready to creep up on him.

And, God, right now he had his fingers crossed under his blankets wishing that each second he'd hear the end of the album and it wouldn't restart, that the universe would pity him just this once and Gerard would decide that he could finally stop now and hold him until they both fell asleep even if it meant when he woke up Gerard would be at it again, to spend the night safely pressed against him, close enough to hear the beat of his heart was enough of a blessing, talking could wait.

The muffled songs drove him insane but he wouldn't dare ask Gerard to turn his music down, he couldn't risk prolonging how long he left him alone to suffer. He wasn't to be disturbed when he was working Frank had been told that the first week he'd moved in, indirectly of course, Gerard hadn't ever told him to stay away but he got the idea when Gerard started shutting the door. Nevertheless he loved him for sparing his feelings.

The last song always felt the longest, he'd memorized all of the words by now and found himself murmering them as he waited, and he'd swear they were slowed. Still, he felt giddy, his tears ceasing as he waited just the idea of Gerard coming back and getting to hear the rasped out 'I love you' whispered into his cheek from the man's voice all tired from humming.

And when it did happen, the last lyrics played followed by three more minutes of euphony that Frank knew perfectly, there was silence and he began to hold his breath. It only took Gerard around sige seconds to restart the record and once those five horrific seconds passed Frank let himself breathe again. It was finally over and he wouldn't have to cry his heart out until he couldn't keep himself awake. For some reason in his state of satisfaction he decided to lay still. Perhaps it was his body finally feeling free to relax into the mattress beneath it or if he just didn't want Gerard to know that he was awake at three in the morning waiting on him to crawl into bed next to him before he could rest, he wasn't sure but when Gerard opened the bedroom door his eyes flew shut.

He could smell cigarette smoke before he noticed anything else. He had to be terribly stressed tonight—or rather today—to have started smoking already but Frank didn't allow himself to fret about it much, the simple fact that Gerard was there clouding up his mind so wonderfully.

Hewalked slowly so as to not wake what he thought to be a sleeping Frank. He could hear Gerard's sigh but he couldn't decipher what the cause of it was without seeing his expression, he hoped that it wasn't dissatisfaction with his work, not after all of the time he spent on it. He started to regret his quick decision to fake being asleep now. He wanted to see Gerard's face and kiss his cheeks as a thank you for coming back to him, he wanted to throw his arms around the man's body and beg him to never leave again, and get the rest of his tears out into his chest with Gerard soothing him this time. He felt his boyfriend's leg graze against his as he slid under the blanket carefully, butterflies were let loose in his stomach making it difficult for him to keep still.

Gerard snuggled up behind him, spooning him as gently as possible and tormenting him by being so close. The warm comfort of the arm around his middle was enough to melt away all of his worries from before, nothing else mattered but how safe he felt right then, the way his heart skipped beats with each stroke of Gerard's thumb over the skin of his bare stomach.
All of his anxieties were melted away, if only for the night with the sweet kiss that was pressed against his shoulder and the whispered promise of "I love you."

a/n: i cant spell, sorry if theres errors !