Episode: Season 9 - Road Trip

It was the best and worst thing to happen - to have Sam back and Gadreel, the angel possessing him gone. Best because I finally had a piece of my family back. And worst because with the return of one, I'd lost another - Kevin. It turns out 'Ezekiel' wasn't the nice angel we'd believed him to be. Regardless, Sam blamed himself. I could see it clearly in those hazel eyes I knew as well as my own. Cas waved his hand over Sam's face then, using his newly-acquired angel juice or 'grace' to heal his wounds. 

I watched the small holes in Sam's head disappear as I stood on the pier with Dean at my side whilst a light mist of rain fell down from the night sky.

"Alright. Let me hear it," Dean said when Cas was finished, walking over to Sam with me following suit.

"What you do want me to say?" Sam asked quietly, looking sullen and betrayed, "That I'm mad? Okay, I am. I'm mad. You lied to me. Again,"

"I didn't have a choice," Dean shook his head in response.

A humorless laugh elicited from Sam's mouth, "I was ready to die, Dean!"

My brown eyes hardened at that, pursing my lips in a scowl.

"That's hardly fair, Sammy. You'd just leave our child without a father like that?" I shot back.

Sam sighed when his eyes flicked to me, full of pain, "You know I didn't mean it like that. Of course I'd never want that. But I knew Roman would have a loving mother and uncle to look after him,"

"Look, I know you were ready. But I wouldn't let you, because that's not in me," Dean confessed to his younger brother in a heartbroken voice.

"So, what, you decide to-to trick me into being possessed by some psycho angel?"

"He saved your life,"

"So what? I was willing to die," Sam repeated, nearly in tears.

Thunder rumbled in the distance as more fat raindrops came tumbling down from the heavy clouds above. A piece of my heart broke for him - having his free will torn away like that... But I knew I couldn't have survived his death or rather, I barely would have - like I did with the many times Dean had died before him. We belonged together - all three of us. Forever. Death was never supposed to separate us.

"And now...Kevin," he started, a broken look in his hazel eyes.

"No," Dean said vehemently, "That is not on you,"

Sam scoffed as Dean continued, "Kevin's blood is on my hands, and that ain't ever getting clean... I'll burn for that. I will,"

My hand reached over to squeeze Dean's then, trying to comfort him. He squeezed back gently after a moment before releasing himself from my grip.

"But I'll find Gadreel. And I will end him... But I'll do it alone," Dean stated solemnly.

Sam and I started to protest but he cut us off.

"Come on, guys. Can't you see? I'm-I'm poison," he said to us, a defeated tone to his voice.

Tears pricked my eyes and I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. I knew all too well how he felt. I had felt like that so often in my life with relationships and friendships. I was toxic.

"People get close to me, they get killed. Or worse. You know, I tell myself that I-I- I help more people than I hurt," he went on, "And I tell myself that I'm - I'm doing it all for the right reasons, and I - I believe that. But I can't - I won't...drag anybody through the muck with me. Not anymore,"

I chewed my lower lip as we stood in silence a moment.

"Go," Sam said finally, a slight breeze from the rain blowing strand of his shaggy brown hair back, "I'm not gonna stop you. But don't go thinking that's the problem, 'cause it's not,"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean asked, not turning around as he'd already begun to leave.

"Just go." Sam ordered him, a sadness evident in his tone.

Without another word, Dean began to make his way through the rain to the Impala. Castiel walked over to where we stood and I gave them both a sad smile.

"I have to do this, you know. He needs me," I told them both.

Sam smiled sadly and nodded while Cas only said, "More than he knows,"

"Look after Yaz and Romy?" I asked them and they both nodded in unison before I crashed into Sam's tall frame in a hug.

Instantly, he wrapped his arms around me tightly before whispering, "Promise."

And with that, I stepped back from his embrace and followed after Dean through the lightly falling mist before climbing into the Impala beside him. Glancing at his face, I noticed the sadness there and reached over the console to squeeze his hand reassuringly. He sent me a tired half-smile in response before starting up the engine, Baby taking off into the night, leaving Sam and Cas far behind.