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request by D-DIMNESS

this is not a topic to be taken on a light note, if you're experiencing anything similar, please try getting professional help!

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how did you end up so down? so deep in the shadows that you didn't know how to get out? it's not like you wanted to do this anymore, it's more like you had to. it was this pleasurable feeling that came right after whenever blood dripped down your skin. it felt so freeing. 

you weren't stupid enough to abuse your wrists or easily visible parts of your body. it mostly came to your upper thighs and stomach. you also sometimes had these moments where you thought how disgusting you are, how weak you are for doing this, how you should stop but all these thoughts only lead to you doing it over and over again.

now here you are, walking down the school hall with a fresh bandage wrapped around your stomach. it made you look a little weird while sitting down but thankfully, nobody paid it any attention. you pressed your books closer to your chest but hissed at the sudden pressure, making a few students in the hall give you a weird look. you sheepishly smiled and continued your walk a little faster towards the vending machine.

"hey (y/n)!" a very sweet voice yelled from behind you and before you had the chance, a strong arm swung around your shoulders and started to walk with you. it was Sugawara Kōshi, your best friend ever since you can remember. you weren't your typical sweet type of best friends, but you were close. he knew everything about you and so did you in return. you didn't need to be all sweet and crappy in order to express how much you cared for each other. did Sugawara really know everything though? no.

"hey Suga." you smiled and stiffened a little at how your wounds started to throb. he always radiated a positive energy so you had no chance but to smile while being with him. it felt like a disease at this point, there was no way to avoid it. you didn't want him to chop your stomach in order for the negativity to begone. not in this state.

you arrived at the vending machine and you put in the coins to buy a (f/d) while Sugawara leaned on the wall next to it. the silence was comfortable but Sugawara had to break it.

"we're having a practise match against seijoh tomorrow, wanna come watch?" he asked you with a grin plastered on his face. your grip on the can tightened a little bit and you knew that it will surely explode once you open it. 

you wanted to go watch. you always watched their matches. you weren't the team's manager but you were still close with the third years and second years. but you would have to change into your sport attire in order to go to the gym. and with the bandages on your stomach? not likely to happen. you needed an excuse, fast. people would think you would be good at lying because of hiding such a thing. no, you suck at it.

"i can't come! we have ugh...family celebration!" you blurted out, immediately regretting it because you knew if you had any kind of celebration, Sugawara would be invited. he knew it as well, that's why he smirked and went on with your little lie.

"oh? what are you celebrating?" you felt uncomfortable so you avoided his gaze at all costs.

"...a birthday." you mumbled but Sugawara just leaned closer to hear you.

"whose?" he was pushing on you and you knew it, that's why you said the most stupid thing that came to your mind.

"mine?" you looked at him through your lashes and saw him burst out in laughter. your cheeks flushed in red because you couldn't think of anything better.

"good one, (y/n)." he continued to chuckle a little bit, making you blush even more. "okay, whatever is your reason, be it. just root for us while doing that." he gave you the brightest smile before disappearing towards the club room for his volleyball practise. your lip suddenly started to quiver as you slid down the wall and tears burst out of your eyes. 

how long will this go on?

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after your mini breakdown by the vending machine, so close to other people yet so far away, you gathered your stuff and went home. it was funny really. you lied to Sugawara about having a family gathering even though your house is empty most of the time. your mom works extra hours to get enough money ever since your dad passed away. you just have so many reasons for it and they keep on piling. 

you dropped your bags in the hall, not giving a flying frick about your homework at this moment. you slipped out of your uniform blazer and shirt, standing there just in the bandages around your stomach. 

you walked up the stairs towards the small bathroom and opened the lowest drawer where a small sharp piece of mirror glass laid. it was a piece you once snapped off from the corner of the mirror. your mom thought you threw it away but no, you kept it in your drawer. 

you sat down on the chilly floor, your eyes fell down on the bloody bandages. you should probably change them but now is not the time. you eyed your thighs as silent tears dropped on the floor. you tried to find the best place for a fresh cut and once you did, relief came. everything washed off you as if you were on cloud 9. so you did it again. and again.

the reason for it today? nothing much, you just lied to your best friend. it was a stupid lie, could you even call it a lie when he saw right through you? probably not, at least Sugawara didn't see it as a lie. but it was a reason for you which you so desperately needed. 

you were so deep into it that you didn't hear the door open. did you forget to lock it? probably. and much to your luck, the boys ended practise early today to get enough rest for the match tomorrow. Sugawara kept in mind how weird you were acting earlier so he decided to pay you a visit. he shuffled up the stairs, opening the door to the bathroom since he figured you were there because of the light.

a second later, his foot dipped into a pool of blood. his cold brown eyes widened in shock and his fingers froze as he didn't know what to do. you were sitting there, unable to lift your head even though you knew what happened, you just didn't want to see him. he wasted no time to kneel down and punch the mirror piece out of your hand. 

"i-i'm sorry." you stuttered out, finally saying the words inside you. Sugawara had no idea what to do, so he just hugged you, paying no mind to the blood staining his clothes. he was just so glad he didn't come late, he didn't want to think of what he would have found here if he had come late. "it helps," you whined in his shoulder.

"baka," he chuckled and placed his cold hands on your cheeks, staring in your eyes as if he wanted to give you some of his energy. "that's what i'm here for." he smiled at you gently and opened all of the drawers until he found a first aid kit. he gently dabbed on the wounds with cotton of alcohol to clean them, trying to ignore you hissing and your fingers digging into his shoulders. he then took another bandage and wrapped the wounds. after you were cleaned up he put your arm over his shoulders and helped your weak body towards your room and your bed. he pulled the covers over your body and your eyelids felt so heavy it was a miracle you still haven't fallen asleep.

"why didn't you tell me you feel this way?" he whispered and laid down next to you, staring at your almost sleeping face.

"i didn't want to bother you, these are my problems." your voice was slowly fading away as it started to rain outside and Sugawara's voice was sending you off into dreamland.

"your problems are my problems." he gave you a stern look but you were sound asleep already. he smiled and nuzzled closer to you, throwing his arm over your fragile body. "i'm going to follow you everywhere from now on, you're not getting rid of me this easily, (y/n)."

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