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❛ ᴏᴄᴇᴀɴ ᴇʏᴇꜱ​​​​​​​​​​. ❜ ° . ༄
- ͙۪۪˚   ▎❛ 𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍 ❜   ▎˚ ͙۪۪̥◌
»»————- ꒰ ǫᴜɪᴢ sʜᴏᴡ ꒱


❝ HOW COME I
CAN'T BE QUEEN? ❞

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Juliet sat next to Topanga, the two girls taking up two of the four seats on the stage of High School Quiz Show. The producers and stage crew were busy setting up for the episode while Mr. Feeny spoke to one of the managers.

"What do you mean, forfeit?" Mr. Feeny asked. "My team doesn't know the meaning of the word forfeit."

"Look, High School Quiz Show has been on the air for thirty-six years. We are an institution. We've always had four players per team and we're not about to change that now," the blonde replied.

"But the bus broke down," their teacher protested. "It's not their fault that the bus broke down."

"Well, then how did they get here if the bus broke down?" The pair turned to look at the two girls who were joined by their male counterparts.

"Well, they were driven over by—"

"Hey, Mr. Feeny," Cory greeted their teacher, waving.

"Look, we're smart!" Shawn added cheerfully and Juliet gave him a fond smile at his enthusiasm.

"Okay, we forfeit."

The woman ignored him and approached their team. "Boys, where do you go to school?"

"Forfeit! I said we forfeit!" Mr. Feeny told her urgently.

"We go to, um—" Shawn paused and nudged the other boy. "Hey, Cory, who's that guy?"

"Yeah."

"That's John Adams' head."

"We go to John Adamshead High School," Shawn responded.

The redhead chuckled, amused by his answer, though Mr. Feeny was even more insistent. "Which is why we forfeit, you see."

She continued to ignore him. "Let's get them into makeup."

"Oh, no. For the love of god, no."

🌎🌎🌎

The announcer, Mr. Prong, spoke into the mic: "'and now, back to High School Quiz Show with your host, Arthur Kandib.'"

The older man took his spot on stage in front of the scoreboard with a the stack of index cards in his hands. "Thank you, Mr. Prong. Alright, teams, for one point: 'the region known as the fertile crescent lies between which two rivers?'"

The two girls quickly hit their buzzers. "Yes, Miss Lawrence from John Adams."

A seat away from the redhead, Shawn snickered. "He said fertile."

"Uh, the answer is the Tigris and the Euphrates," Topanga stated.

"Yeah, nice try, Topanga," Cory mocked her.

"Idiot," Shawn chimed in.

"That is correct," Mr. Kandib announced. The number on the board changed to 3.

"Alright!" Cory cheered.

"You suck," Shawn called over to the opposing team.

"And with the score: Hamilton High 20, John Adams High 3—"

"We will not be denied!" the dark-haired boy called out and the audience responded enthusiastically.

"We mercifully take a break for these few kind words from out good sponsor at the World of Knowledge," he finished.

"'And we're off,'" Mr. Prong mumbled into the mic.

"I totally could've gotten that question," Juliet grumbled. "It wasn't even that hard."

The blonde patted her comfortingly on the shoulder. "I'll let you get the next one, promise."

"John Adams rocks!" an audience member shouted.

"Thirty seconds," Mr. Prong declared.

"Okay, look, we have worked very hard to be on this team," Topanga scolded the boys. "You two just happened to be here. . ."

"—so we would really appreciate it if you would stop pushing the buzzer just because you like the sound," Juliet chided them sternly.

"Okay fine, Miss and Miss Smartypants," Cory sassed. "If you feel like you can do better than us, the buzzers are yours." He slammed his hand down on the buzzer. "Sorry, last time."

"Ten seconds. In three— two— one—"

"And we're back with my favorite part of the program, the fast-paced, electrically charged lightning round when the questions are worth two points. And the category—" The host paused. "Is 'Whazzup?' 'What does the X in X-Men stand for?'"

The two boys whistled and looked around casually. The girls exchanged a look and sighed. "Oh, go ahead," the blonde invited them.

Shawn hit the buzzer. "The X in X-Men stands for the mysterious gene factor which manifests itself as a mutant ability, such as the healing factor of Wolverine or the ability to manipulate the weather in Storm. Dr. Matthews?"

As Cory added his answer, Juliet stared at Shawn in surprise, having never heard him sound so confident when answering a "quiz" question. Granted, it wasn't the same caliber she usually had, but she suddenly understood why, when they'd been younger, he'd found it so. . . mesmerizing when she spoke about something she loved as much as he loved comic books.

🌎🌎🌎

At the next show, the name had changed though their seating hadn't, with the two girls sitting next to each other followed by the two boys. Mr. Prong seemed more enthusiastic as he announced: "'it's Knowledge Fever with the Knowledge Fever brain cell dancers and your humble announcer, Milton Prong and your host, Sweet Artie K.'"

The host came out in a leather jacket and stood at the front of the stage. "Okay, then. Welcome to the show that makes learning hip, hot and happening. Oahu Beach Face savers presents Knowledge Fever." The crowd cheered as he moved to the podium. "Our returning champions are in the house so let's give it up for John Adams High School."

The quartet waved to the crowd, specifically to the Matthews and Mr. Feeny sitting in the front row. "And the challengers, three smart kids from some other school." The crowd booed as he spoke: "and now, let's get down with the first round and the category is. . . oh, what a surprise. 'The Lifeguards of Baywatch.'" Juliet slumped against her chair as Shawn hit the buzzer before the clue was read. "I haven't even—"

"Pamela Andersen plays sexy lifeguard CJ Parker," he answered.

"Sexy lifeguard CJ Parker is correct for one million points," the host stated, changing their points. "And with the score for John Adams High School one million and their future employers zero, let's pause for a few words from our sponsor because that's the way the world works."

Dancers from the advertising company came out on stage as the three took a break. "And my mom said I watch too much television," Cory joked.

"You do," the redhead informed him bluntly.

"Thank you." He gave her a cheerful smile despite the girl's tone.

"Yeah, well, we're showing them," Shawn agreed.

"Hey, guys, what are we showing them?" Topanga wondered. "I mean, we're answering questions about TV and comic book trivia. Does it really make us feel intelligent?"

"It is why we are the returning champions," Shawn bragged as he hit the buzzer.

"Yeah, let's get our priorities straight," Cory put in.

The music died away as Kandib returned to the stage. "And we're back with round two. So—"

Shawn hit the buzzer again. "Ren's the dog, Stimpy's the cat, Rocco's a wallaby—"

"And for the bonus points, Honkerburger," the curly-haired boy finished.

"Is correct for three million points and the game," Kandib announced. The audience whooped, prompting the two boys to stand and wave to them. Neither of the girls moved from their seats, looking at each other and the crowd uncertainly.

Miss Kellybacker, one of the managers on the show, approached the group. "Cory, just to add a little drama before you answer, do you think you could mop your brow and scrunch up your face like you're not sure of the answer?"

"Yeah, like this?" He demonstrated.

"Perfect." She beamed at him and moved to the next boy. "Okay, Shawn. How about you flash some of those thoughtful, pouty, sexy lips?"

"Thoughtful pouty sexy lips?" Topanga repeated incredulously. "What sense does that make?"

Juliet waved a hand in the blonde's direction, her eyes focused curiously on Shawn. "Shush, Panga. I wanna see what happens."

"I understand exactly," the boy assured them. "She means this." He rested his head on his hands and pouted slightly.

"Now, Juliet, why don't you give the audience some sweet doe eyes?" Miss Kellybacker suggested.

The redhead (with some difficulty) refocused her attention from Shawn's lips to the blonde woman. "Doe eyes?" she echoed incredulously.

"Yes, they're such a pretty shade of blue. You'd win a lot of hearts with the innocent act."

"I don't—" she started but the woman pointed to the crowd, causing her to follow her finger curiously. In one of the rows, a group of students held up a large sign that had 'WE LOVE JULIET' written in big letters.

The redhead was surprised by the support. It was kind of nice having fans. She turned to Miss Kellybacker and widened her eyes slightly as she adopted a dreamy look. "Like this?"

"Exactly!" she praised before she finally moved on to Topanga. "And Topanga, let's see. Let me see you tousle your hair and just flirt with that camera a little."

"May I just say that I'm not really comfortable with all of this. I mean, before we had questions that required real knowledge and sure, they were tough, but they made us think and I thought that was the whole point of the show," Topanga pointed out.

"Well, the point of the show is to attract an audience," the older woman countered. "I suggest you look at your audience."

The blonde turned to the viewers who held up another sign: 'TOPANGA IS OUR QUEEN.'

"How come I can't be queen?" Juliet pouted.

Topanga followed the manager's request and looked up at the viewers before she gave the redhead a teasing, smug look. "There can only be one. It's good to be queen."

🌎🌎🌎

They returned to school the next day after filming. Juliet had expected it to be entirely normal and was surprised when people came up to them to ask for autographs. It had affected her performance in some of her classes as people seemed to care more about the fact that she'd been on TV than that she was trying to learn.

Thankfully, by Mr. Feeny's class, people seemed to be getting the message and had kept themselves to only asking Cory and Shawn. Their teacher was up in the front of the classroom lecturing about the topic of the day. "So, Gutenberg invented the printing press, making the written word available to the masses. For the first time in history, the common man had access to the same information that used to be available only to the privileged few."

Next to her, Shawn signed his name on a photo. "And who would you like me to make this out to?"

"Gentlemen," Mr. Feeny called to the boys, "might I interrupt your press junket? There's some learning going on here."

Shawn returned the photo to the boy. "Maybe you feel it's important to learn that Gutenberg invented the printing press but, uh, pop culture and these pouty lips have made me a star."

Their teacher moved closer to the pair. "I'm going to try and put this as kindly as possible: the show has turned into a circus and you four are driving the tiny car."

"Look, Mr. Feeny, I mean, I'm proud to say that I knew Crusty the Clown was the son of a rabbi."

"Juliet and I answered real questions, Mr. Feeny," Topanga protested.

"Yeah, I would've gotten Tigris and Euphrates if they hadn't registered Panga's buzzer first," Juliet grumbled. "You still owe me a question, by the way."

Their teacher's expression became kinder. "Miss Capelwood, Miss Lawrence, I would never deny your moment in the sun but Knowledge Fever no longer has much to do with the kind of knowledge I would want you to absorb."

"Mr. Feeny, look, the show's proving that we're absorbing the right type of knowledge," Cory tried to argue. "I mean, that's why we're the champions." When he finished, the class applauded.

"Hold it, hold it. Wait a minute, wait a minute." Mr. Feeny waited for them to quiet down. "Champions of what, Mr. Matthews? Of a generation whose verbal and mathematical skills have sunk so low when you have the highest technology at your fingertips? Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six months. Your generation gets a new web page every six seconds and how do you use this technology? To beat King Koopa and save the princess. Shame on you. You deserve what you get."

No one spoke after that until the bell rang. The class tried to get up and leave as they'd always done, but their teacher held up a hand. "Sit down. Stay where you are. For the first time, I chose to walk out on you."

🌎🌎🌎

By the next episode of the show, Knowledge Fever had been renamed Huh, That's Cool with an even more obvious Hawaiian theme. The reigning champions were given coconut drinks and sat in funky chairs as their opponents sat on a couch wearing their school uniforms. The announcer introduced the show: "'Oahu Beach Face Saver Pads presents Huh, That's Cool with the Oahu beach dancers. Yours truly, Milton Prong and your stern but groovy mistress, Kiki. Let's hear it for Kiki!'"

A brunette woman was carried out to the stage as the audience applauded. Once she was lowered to the ground, she approached their rivals. "First, our challengers. Straight-A averages but not much of a tan. Let them know how you feel about them. From right here in Philly, it's Einstein Academy."

The audience booed loudly as she moved to the other side of the stage. "And now, our returning champions. Let's have an Oahu Beach welcome for: Lips. Hair. Eyes. And Brainiac-14."

Juliet leaned over to Topanga. "Hey, if we had a fifth team member named after a body part, we'd almost have a whole person."

The blonde gave her an amused look. "If they were named Nose we'd at least have a whole head."

"Nah, we'd need Ears too."

"Here are the questions for round one," Kiki declared. "The Earth has one natural satellite. It's called the moon. A single lunar phase takes twenty-eight days to complete and involves phases such as the waning gibbous and the waxing gibbous. For eight hundred million points, the moon— where is it?"

Together, they leaned closer to each other, quietly discussing their answer. Then, they all pointed up at the same time.

"Yeah!" the brunette exclaimed. "Is right for eight hundred million points." She walked over to the other team. "Albert Einstein, that same moon, which John John Adams so precisely located as to its exact position in the Universe, that same moon— what does it weigh?"

They leaned in as well for a moment before the student in the middle spoke: "the exact weight of the moon is eight-one quintillion tons."

"I'm sure it is," she conceded. "However, it's not the exact answer we're looking for. John Adams?"

"It doesn't weigh anything 'cause, well, if it did, it would fall on us," Shawn reasoned.

"Is right! Yeah!" Kiki remarked enthusiastically. "They were right and you were wrong, which can only mean one thing. Audience?"

"Samoans!" came the response from the crowd.

Men dressed in traditional Hawaiian outfits came out wielding long spears and surrounded the Einstein Academy students. Kiki ignored them. "Huh, That's Cool will be right back!"

"'And, we're out,'" Mr. Prong stated.

Miss Kellybacker and a man approached them from the side of the stage. "Hey kids, this is Brett McInerney. He's our sponsor and he has some great news."

After they all shook his hand, he informed them: "you know, because of your commitment to education, this show now reaches four times as many kids as it used to."

"That's right," the blonde concurred. "Which means Huh, That's Cool is going to need even more of a commitment from you."

"Well, that's great. What do we have to do?" Topanga inquired.

"Uh, just miss a couple days of school," Brett replied.

"How many days is a couple?"

"Six weeks," Miss Kellybacker shared.

"That's longer than a couple," the redhead observed.

"Huh, that's cool," Shawn mused.

"Yeah, we're going to go on location to Oahu."

"Columbus, Oahu?" Shawn guessed.

"No, Shawnie," Juliet corrected him. "She means Oahu in Hawaii."

"I don't think I can go."

"Excuse me?" the blonde asked Topanga.

"My grade's suffering enough as it is," the other girl allowed, "and we have finals coming up."

"Uh, yeah, Miss Kellybacker," Cory spoke up, "you know, we're having fun and everything, but do you think we could think about it, if that's okay?"

The woman paused before she answered, "oh, yeah. You should definitely think about it, but I also want you to think about how you have become scholastic role models for millions of kids out there."

"So let's get in the bathing suits and let's get ready for round two," Brett decided.

🌎🌎🌎

When they were next on set for Huh, That's Cool, the group of four approached Miss Kellybacker to make a suggestion. Topanga was the first to catch her attention. "So, we were all talking and we think you should ask some intelligent questions too."

The older woman laughed. "Oh, why? Whatever for?"

"So there could be some educational value on the show," Juliet explained. "This isn't exactly the type of academic role model I want to be for other students."

"Like there used to be," Cory agreed.

"Okay, darling, here's some educational value," she responded. "See, no one watched the show when we asked intelligent questions. Now they watch the show so I think we're doing the right thing, okay?"

"Don't you think we should do a smart show if so many kids watch?" Cory proposed.

"This is an outrageous star demand," the blonde concluded. "Is this the thanks I get for making you famous?"

"Actually, nobody recognizes me without my brain head."

"So all four of you feel like this?" she questioned them. "Shawn? You're a good-looking guy. Who cares what kind of questions we ask or what you know as long as you come off looking cute, popular and you win?"

The dark-haired boy glanced at the other three. "I'll have to think about that."

"Okay, you do that. In any case, we were prepared for this."

"What do you think she meant by that?" Cory wanted to know once she'd walked away.

"It doesn't sound good for us," Juliet remarked.

They took their seats and the announcer started the show: "'it's hot. It's steamy. It's Oahu beach, and now here's the woman the puts the 'oh' in Oahu. Here's Kiki!'"

The brunette came out cheering a long: "aloooo-ha! Let's have a Kiki-Wiki welcome for our returning champions: Hair. Lips. Eyes. And Braniac-fourteen." The crowd cheered as she continued: "and now some very special challengers from Malibu, California. Here's Viper Jones, Surfer Girl, Hula Queen and Moondoggie."

Four blonde kids entered the stage, dancing their way to the sofa as the crowd decided to cheer for them. Cory watched the newcomers with concern. "Uh-oh."

"Well, this is too, too, dramatic," Kiki narrated several rounds later. "Here we are, with one final question and the score is tied at one million trillion points each. And the questions goes to. . . Lips." As the audience clapped, she moved closer to him. "Okay, Lips, answer correctly and you win again. Blow it, and Malibu become the new champions and gets a million trillion points. So, for the whole enchilada: who invented the printing press and made the written word available to the masses for the first time in history?"

The dark-haired boy didn't answer right away. Even though he knew the correct response, there was a lot more riding on the question than winning the game. As the seconds ticked by, Kiki spoke again: "we need an answer, Lips." Shawn continued to hesitate as he looked between the crowd, the waiting Samoans and his three friends. The buzzer went off. "Time's up, Lips. So, what's it going to be?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I don't really know anything. I'm just cute and fun to watch."

🌎🌎🌎

The next day, the four of them arrived at school before anyone else and took their traditional seats in Mr. Feeny's class: Topanga up front, Cory behind her, Shawn behind him and Juliet in the corner seat next to Shawn. It was understandable that their teacher was surprised to see them. 

"Miss Capelwood, Miss Lawrence, Mr. Matthews, Mr. Hunter. You're early to my class. Why are you early to my class?" Shawn raised his hand and the older man prompted him, "Mr. Hunter?"

"Johann Gutenberg. Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1450."

"Yes, I believe I taught you that," Mr. Feeny replied. Cory raised his hand. "Mr. Matthews?"

"Can you teach us something else?" 

[written apr. 2021]
[edited may 2022]