Charlotte's Point Of View ~

I continue to look around my room, frantically but I'm left disappointed. I know that I won't be finding who I wish was here. My long, brown hair is messy upon my head. I'm in a daze, eyes still heavy. As I wake up to find out that . . 

He's not here. He never was. But what did it mean?

It was only just a dream. Once I fell asleep, I slipped into a fantasy that he came back. He was here. I don't understand it though. The dream, that is. Michael was with me and it was just the two of us. No one else was around. I was on a stage . . a stage that looked so familiar to me. I just feel that I have seen it before. I was alone with lights lit up all around me. There were seats but no audience. I am trying to understand it but I can't put my finger on it. It upset me again. But I don't know if that was the intention. I feel like it was some kind of message but what is Michael trying to tell me? This is just unbearable, the whole thing is. 

I don't want to do this. I don't want to live without him here.

Tears. Once again falling from my eyes. 

God. 

Look at me. I'm a mess. I know I am. I am trying so hard. I'm trying to make peace with this and I can't. I thought looking at the stars the other night helped me . . it did. I was calm, I even smiled I believe when I saw that star. But that dream just made my mind completely spin. I want his touch, his kisses, to hear his voice . . everything. I am just wanting all of that from him. Is that what that dream meant? 

Or is it more than that? 

I don't know. I am so confused. It was just the sight of him and the fact that it felt so real. It's like he was leaving all over again. I begin to really think back about my dream of him. Ugh, I just can't seem to make any sense of it. I am left so unsure and feeling many things about it. In the dream, I know Michael was singing to me but in almost a mute way. I remembered his voice, what it sounded like and I knew what he was saying to me. He was singing I am not alone . . 

. . that he is here with me. So, what does he mean by that? I don't understand that. 

A couple minutes pass by. But I can't make sense of it. He left so why is he saying that to me? I wish I could ask someone. Tell them what they think it meant but I can't do that. They wouldn't understand it either . . they wouldn't know. 

Ugh, how do I make sense of something, that I can't even understand myself? . . 

I wanna be happy, be back to being the person I was before all of this happened. But I don't feel like I'm strong enough yet. I just don't feel right now that he has gone away. Sadness and heartbreak has always been something that stands out most for me. I feel like I'm trying to survive, to get through each day as best as I can. Just wondering if I'll ever really recover from this or even be okay . . I don't know if I'll see the other side of all this. That's just how consumed I am by him leaving. I just want him to hold me so bad. I keep looking at photos of him, knowing that they keep a reminder of him but bring so much sadness within in. 

I'm just broken.

I just want the worst to be over now so I can breath again. It's been months now so I should be able to say that it is over now. But it's not, it's all still here. And those feelings will take a long time to go away and that really scares me. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want it to be this way for me. When Michael walked away, I told myself to cry, but to only get it out of my system and eventually move on. But no, my heart had other ideas. It thought . . 

. . let's just let it consume me instead. 

I wipe my tears, my sobs overpowering me once again. 

God. I'm so broken. 

Will I ever be the same person I was before all this happened? I don't know. I feel like I'm trapped within all this grief. Michael was my strength. I love him so much. But I didn't know just how much until he left. And now I'm just slowly falling apart. I feel like each day that passes by is just going to kill me. I hear the slight squeak as my bedroom door opens. It's Jasmine. She pops her head into my room. Her brown eyes on me the whole time. Yet they are soft and understanding even though she doesn't understand. But she's trying to, I guess. She's my twin sister. She's worried about me. I can tell. 

She just doesn't want to lose me. 

"Charlotte. You're awake now! Want something to eat? . . " She asks me softly. 

I shake my head. My eyes watering up immediately. 

She doesn't say anything. She walks into my bedroom, closing the door behind her. Walking slowly towards me, sitting down beside me on my bed. I wipe the tears away, hoping she doesn't see them. But she does. 

"Charlotte. Please come and have something to eat . . " She tells me, trying to comfort me. 

I look away from her. Staring out the window, as I see the afternoon sun glowing an intense orange as I know the sun is about to set. 

"Charlotte. I don't understand. But I want to help you" . . 

"I don't want to lose you . . " 

I know what she means by that. It kills me that she knows the truth. 

"Please can you go and see someone" . . 

Her voice breaks as she cries softly. She continues to talk to me. 

"Someone you can talk to. You're so sad, Charlotte and it scares me what is happening to you. I know what you're really thinking and how you're really feeling . . and it scares me" . . 

She says, admitting this. She sounds completely helpless. I hate that. I feel terrible. She is feeling that way because of me. I turn to look at her. Both our eyes are glassy. I nod as I finally agree to see someone that I can talk to about this. Someone that can hopefully help me and get me through this. I want help. I do. I want my life back. I want to be happy again. 

I want to smile again. 

This is what I need to do for me to get better. It's what I need to help me . . so I'll do it. 

to be continued.