Charlotte's Point Of View ~

2am. 

Everything outside is still, it's so quiet. Everyone is asleep. But me, I remain awake as my mind is still thinking about him. I hate this so much. Why am I still so consumed by another even after he was the one that left me? It just doesn't make any sense. I'm still thinking about him. 

About Michael. 

And I hate that I am. He's always running through my mind. He runs it, he is just constantly there. It's making me cry, it's making me smile . . it's making me just long for him. I find myself in my dark room yet I feel as if I'm always here. Just in a dark place that I'm trying so hard to escape from. I want to so bad. But I can't. 

I just can't. 

What happened with Michael. Him leaving, it has changed me so much. I feel I am a different person. I've lost myself. I'm not the same person I was before it happened. It defines me. 

It's been a few days now since I have spoken to Jasmine about it. She wants me to go and see a therapist. Someone that I can talk to about how I'm feeling emotionally. Someone that I can discuss this lose with. I want to stop this feeling. But I can't help it. I can't get over Michael. I'm still in love with him. I'm in so much pain. I have weakened from all of this. I'm sad, I'm heartbroken . . I'm angry with what happened. I think about it all the fucking time. Everything else around me just doesn't matter anymore. Nothing else even exists. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing makes sense. I'm angry at Michael. I really am. But why didn't he stay . . why didn't he fight? I'm angry at him but I love him more than I did before. 

Losing him has made me see just how much he means to me. 

I know that Jasmine is worried about me. I know she is and I hate that whenever she looks at me . . she knows the truth. She can see my pain, my struggle. I haven't spoken to her about it for a while now. I don't know. I don't want her to worry, I guess. Now I'm just keeping it to myself. Maybe my silence will take the pain away. Make it better as a bit of time passes. The house is dark, quite and so is my crying. I wipe my tears away with my fingers. 

God. Why did he have to go? Why did he leave? 

My cheeks streaked with the stain of these tears that seem to be never ending. These sleepless nights of mine . . it was not always like this. I would sleep but always after crying. I guess crying myself into exhaustion. Everyone says to me 'time heals all wounds' . . 

But I don't believe that. 

I don't believe in that saying at all. Time has passed. Days, weeks and now months since Michael left and I still feel the same. Nothing has changed in that. I lay down in my bed, hugging myself. I imagine it's him, he's holding me close to him. Singing a beautiful melody in my ear oh so softly. The feeling of his smooth, gorgeous skin around me. The feeling of his curls. His smell. 

I close my eyes . . 

. . letting out a sigh of pure frustration. 

I can't sleep, again! I turn my head to the left of me, reading the clock now as it says 3am. A rush of frustration fills me as I know that once again, sleep will never come. I sit up in bed, the white blanket covers my legs as it pools around my waist. I hug my legs, wrapping my arms around them. I pray that Michael can feel my cries, my pain that he gave me. I am thinking of him near me. Can he hold me through the night and always?

I open my curtain. 

It's such a beautiful night. I hop out of bed and unlock my window. Climbing out onto the roof . . overlooking my front yard. I look up to see a beautiful blanket of stars high above. It's all that I see. It stretches out as far as my eyes can see. Wow. The sky is full of them. I sit down on my rooftop. My legs in front of me, bent at the knees. Once again I put my arms around my knees, hugging them. 

I look up at the sky . . 

Where he is? 

I start sobbing softly. Wiping my tears as more keep flowing down my cheeks. I take a deep breath before looking back up at the sky. It really is so pretty. I see something in the sky. It's a star but it looks different from the others. It's much brighter and bigger than the rest. Wow. It's so beautiful. It's almost captivating. As I am looking at it, I feel at peace almost. I have never seen such a star before. I keep my eyes on it, my head slightly tilted. I feel calm all of a sudden. I don't wanna cry. Instead, I smile. It's so big that I feel as if I could reach out and grab this particular star and bring it to my chest . . to my heart. In a sky full of stars . . 

. . this star is the only one I'm looking at. 

to be continued.