CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE:
I'M A MONSTER

SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER CLINT TAKING her and bringing her to the jet, she didn't remember him giving her to Natasha in order to greet his kids. She didn't remember walking up the steps and entering hers and Natasha's shared bedroom. Olivia had been traumatized but what she had seen. She liked to believe that she wasn't afraid of anything, and though that was true for the most part, there was one thing that she was scared of and that was her father. Seeing him again brought back a fear that she had buried so deeply that she'd blocked out that part of her life.

Natasha was worried about her, and so were the other Avengers. It's like she was in a trance and nothing could get her out of it but herself. Natasha made her way back down the stairs of the Barton home, walking outside where she found Clint standing. He turned to look at her, and she could see the silent question that was dancing in his eyes. All she could do was shake her head, not even bothering to hide her concern. She leaned against the railing of the porch, closing her eyes as she tried to get her own nightmare out of her head.

     "It's been an hour, Clint." Natasha softly said, keeping her voice low so that the children wouldn't hear her. "I don't know what that Maximoff girl showed her, but whatever it is she's terrified. It's written all over her face." She clenched her jaw, shaking her head slightly. "Maybe I can get in touch with Maria, see if she can get the girls on the phone. Hearing their voices might help her." But, at the same time, she thought, dragging her daughters into this was not something that she wanted to do.

     "She'll be alright, Nat." Clint assured her. "You haven't known her as long as I have. She's already been through so much. She can get through anything at this point. Just. . . go back upstairs, take a shower, whatever you need to do, but just don't leave her side until she's out of the mess that that Maximoff girl put her in." Natasha stared at him for a moment. "Trust me." He gave her shoulder a small squeeze and finally the redhead nodded, sighing as she pulled away from the porch and went back into the home, up the steps, and into the bathroom that was in their bedroom.

After a few more moments, Olivia finally came to. The brunette sat up on the bed, slowly turning her head as she tried to figure out where she was before spotting the familiar picture frame that she had put there the first time she stayed at Clint Barton's household. She relaxed slightly before bringing a hand up to her head, the slight throbbing making her dizzy. Her ears listened in as the sound of the shower turning off grabbed her attention. The bathroom door opened and out came Natasha, a towel securely wrapped around her body.

     When she saw her sitting up and out of her trance, she stopped. "Thank God." A breath of relief left her lips. "Let me get dressed, then we can talk." She grabbed her clothes, walked back into the bathroom, quickly changed before coming back out. She sat down on the bed, placing her hand over Olivia's as she rubbed her thumb comfortingly over her hand. "How are you feeling?"

     "Like I got hit with a train." Olivia answered honestly. "Nat, why are we here? Why aren't we back at the compound? Did something happen?"

     "Maximoff's happened. The girl warped the team's minds, except for Tony and Clint. We're all okay. I've already talked to Maria, she's going to tell the girls where we are and watch them while we're gone." She hesitated. "There was an incident with Bruce attacking the city. So, um, we're just here to lay low for a little while, that's all."

     "Okay." Olivia nodded her head.

     Natasha stared at her for a moment, wondering if she should ask the intrusive question that was waiting to fly from her tongue. Against her better judgement, she did. "Olivia, what did you see?" Olivia met her eyes. "It's just. . . I saw fear all over your face. I've never seen you so terrified."

     The memories flashed through her head and she almost winced every time she saw him. Seeing his face made her want to bury herself so deep into the ground that no one would be able to find her. She didn't answer for a few minutes, trying her best to gather her scrambled thoughts. Finally, she wet her lips, taking a deep breath. "I saw my dad." She paused. "I saw the torture he put me through. I saw him take my sister from me. I saw. . . I saw what he made me. He turned me into this monster, Natasha. He put a gun in my hand when I was eight and forced me to kill an innocent man. And then he. . . and then I. . ." Tears filled her eyes as her voice shook. "I saw the team, dead by my hands. Natasha, I saw. . . he made me kill you. He said that I betrayed you. That you knew everything about me and would use it against me. That to keep myself safe I had to kill you. And I did, Natasha. I did it so violently, I didn't want to, I didn't―︎"

     At this point she was sobbing. Natasha quickly pulled her into her chest. "I'm so sorry you had to see that." Natasha pressed a kiss into her hair. "I'm right here, okay? You didn't kill me. She didn't hurt anyone. We're all okay. The kids are okay. The team is okay. I'm okay." She held her until she stopped crying, holding her tightly, whispering reassuring words to her.

     "He's right." Olivia whispered, her voice hoarse. "I am a monster."

     "You want to know what I saw?" Natasha asked, Olivia nodded. "I dreamed that I was an Avenger. That I was anything more than the assassin they made me." Olivia sat up, turning her head to look at her as she frowned.

     "Natasha, you're more than just the assassin they made you."

     "And you're not a monster." Natasha replied back.

     Olivia shook her head at this. "Natasha, you know what I am. What I can do. What if one day I lose control? I could hurt you. I could hurt the girls. And I can't live with that."

      "So, what are you going to do? Run?" Natasha's green eyes met her brown ones. "If running's the plan, then you'll have to wait for me to pack my bags." She softly sighed. "In the Red Room where I was trained, where I was raised, um, they have a graduation ceremony. They sterilize you. It's efficient. One less thing to worry about. The one thing that might matter more than a mission. Makes everything easier. Even killing. You still think you're the only monster on the team?"

     Tears closed Natasha's eyes but she never shed a single one. Olivia frowned. "Oh, Nat. . . you don't think that because you can't have kids that you're a monster right? Being forced to become someone you didn't want to be wasn't your fault. You're not a monster."

     "Neither are you."

      "Nat, those girls are not just my kids. They're yours as well." Olivia grabbed Natasha's hand. "We have an unintentional family, one that I love and would do anything for. But, Natasha, my dad is still out there somewhere. The thought of him coming back to hurt you or those girls, that my worst fear."

     "He won't hurt them. He won't hurt me." She leaned forwards, pressing a gentle kiss to Olivia's lips. "He won't hurt us."

     Olivia stared at her for a moment before saying, "I love you, Natasha."

     Natasha didn't hesitate as she said, "I love you too."