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MARIA

The way I was feeling that morning was explained by the way things continued after Leonardo and I cried in each other's arms.

It was prior to meeting Luna. I woke up on the sofa alone, my back stiff from staying in the same position overnight. I softly groaned as I began stretching my arms, the blanket slipping off me. My eyes fluttered open at the feeling of a pair of soft, tiny hands touching my face. I blinked in surprise to meet a set of mischievous hazel eyes, a familiar tiny face grinning at me.

My arms reached out and scooped up the little child's body and squeezed her, planting kisses all over her face. Amalia squealed in my arms, trying to free herself from the cuddle monster, giggling and wriggling around.

"Amalia—"

My eyes averted upwards to see Leonardo rush in, a look of defeat as he glanced down at Amalia before meeting my eyes. His arms that were ready to take her, went back down to his sides as he quickly calmed down and I freed Amalia from my cuddles and she ran away laughing.

He had washed his hair that morning, the droplets dripped from the strands of his dark, wavy hair. Leonardo looked fresh, his skin clear and smooth. He was wearing a short sleeved black top, a rare appearance. My eyes wandered down to his prominent jawline, down to his massive Adam's apple, his defined collarbone, those massive arms of his, his bulging chest. I thought about it, my hands wandering across his body and my cheeks grew warm. He seemed to have had more energy that morning to look better than expected. He was sometimes like that after going to the gym. I wondered if he'd been that morning.

My hand started patting down my hair as I hoped I didn't look like a mess in front of such a hunk. I was sure he knew how intently I had been staring. I cleared my throat and simply said, "stop shaving your stubble." He always looked hotter with it on.

His eyes widened a little as though he didn't expect me to say that. I sat up, my legs swinging over and onto the floor and I glanced down at my clothes. I was still wearing the same ones as the day before and definitely felt the need to shower. Leonardo looked behind him to double check that Amalia wasn't wandering anywhere dangerous. I gently let out a breath and hoped that things wouldn't be awkward.

My mind travelled back to the night we had, the tears shared between us, how long it took to coax Leonardo to sleep, how close together our bodies were on that sofa, his large hand pressed against my chest, desperate to feel my heartbeat, his head buried into my neck, the heat between us. I swallowed, still remembering that comfortable warmth.

Our eyes met and there was a short silence before he broke it saying, "you should go back to sleep. Sorry, I tried to keep Amalia out the living room." I shook my head a little, holding a reassuring look on my face.

"It's okay," my eyes flickered over to the clock on the wall. It was the usual time I'd wake up anyway. It look a while but Leonardo fell asleep before me the night before. I remembered how I felt in his arms, the amount of relief washed over me knowing that he was finally getting some rest.

Then there was another moment of silence.
My hands fidgeted under the blanket.

"About last night—"

"Last night—"

Our eyes locked again, my lips parted in surprise. We both paused, taking in the unpleasant awkwardness between us. I clasped my hands together and thoughtfully said, "if there's anything about last night to think over it's that you should..."

I was trying to think of a less daunting way to say it. I delicately suggested, "take care of yourself and...go back to therapy. I know you think you've been getting better but..." He hadn't been in a while. Leonardo was so caught up between work, taking care of Amalia and me that he thought he was doing better so had less frequent appointments. But I realised he wasn't. He was just distracted from his thoughts. That was when I fully recognised and accepted that that we were still living in a false reality.

He didn't say anything. He leaned against the doorway, giving me a small nod. Leonardo looked like he didn't want to say what he started before. I tried to get something out of him, "how do you feel about yesterday?" 

Leonardo shrugged slightly, his hands going into his pockets as he gazed at me. He held an emotionless look on his face. I felt my face falter at his reaction. He was choosing that way of dealing with it. "I don't know," he replied simply as his hand rubbed his chin. He lightly let out a scoff. "That's my child." Amalia came wandering in again as he said that, holding an apple in her little, chunky hands and biting it, making satisfied baby sounds as she chewed with her small teeth.

His eyes became fixed on her as she waddled around. "From the moment I found out she existed, I had to fight for her to stay alive." I felt my heart soften at his words. Leonardo continued to ponder, a thoughtful look across his face as he gazed at Amalia. "For nine months I fought for her to stay healthy. She was premature and she was septic during delivery." Leonardo was finally showing some emotion to his words, a heavy tone in his voice. "She stayed in the hospital for two weeks and I was there all day every day."

My eyes lowered to Amalia who was finding entertainment in pulling out the books from the shelf after deserting her half bitten apple on the ground. Leonardo went over and picked her up, much to her dismay. She reached back over for the books but instead was handed a toy car from Leonardo. He sat down on the other side of the sofa, holding Amalia in his arms. He sighed, looking as though he didn't want to remember that time of his life. He planted a kiss on the top of Amalia's head before continuing, "then after Elisa left and Amalia was home...I fucked up once and it all just went downhill."

Amalia sucked onto the car before rolling the car wheels up Leonardo's arms. I felt sympathetic and couldn't hide it on my face. My heart clenched at the thought of the day before, a conflicted feeling came as I thought of Vincenzo. He didn't know. I couldn't fully want to understand him, Vincenzo was wrong for what he did, but he didn't know. I bit my bottom lip, feeling the heaviness on my chest again.

"What should I do, Maria?" Leonardo hopelessly asked, his eyes still on Amalia. I didn't even know what to say. His arms slowly tightened around her as he held her into a hug. She didn't even know what issue was going on around her. Amalia wriggled away, wanting to be free and slid back down to her feet and finding another toy to play with.

He gently sighed before collecting himself, going back to his previous emotionless look. "I might have raised her. But she's not mine. What did I expect from Elisa? What did I even expect from..." He couldn't bring himself to even think about Vincenzo, Leonardo brought himself out of contemplation and exhaled, beginning to find distraction in putting the cushions back onto the sofa that Amalia had pulled off.

"I don't know, Leonardo. I wish that I did." I quietly replied, unable to even come up with some sort of plan. I almost felt too conflicted, confused and stressed to. It all felt like too much to deal with so quickly. "Just take it one step at a time. You don't automatically stop being someone's father after raising them. Not every parent is a blood parent." I could only say, a feeling of defeat filling me. "And don't do anything without thinking."

"Yesterday, I wasn't myself," Leonardo deeply said, his eyes slowly returning to mine. He looked regretful, as though he had a hundred things to say but couldn't get it out. An apologetic tone filled his words as he added, "and a lot of my frustrations came out on you."

I cut in before he could start apologising. "We have a lot of things swept under the rug. Then it all explodes later," I finally addressed, the burden coming out of me. I sighed, "and its...tearing us apart." I lost eye contact with him as I stood and quickly said, "I'm meeting Luna today. We can talk more when I come back."

I left him in the living room and that was how we left things until I came back that evening.

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A long time ago, I never would have expected my life to pan out the way it had. From becoming closer with Luna, Leonardo agreeing to be engaged with me, even having a relationship with him, to being captured by my stalker, being unable to dance and in that moment, to suddenly feel extremely uneasy about my relationship with Leonardo.

I had been contemplating about it. It had been a rollercoaster of the of months and months. At the start, I never would've thought I'd be thinking that way.

"You've been sat there staring at your tea this whole time," Luna's voice broke me away from my thoughts. She placed her drink on the table before sitting down opposite me, her eyes, surrounded by glitter; intently staring at me. "It's been twenty minutes, Ria. What's making you so distracted?" I deeply exhaled, realising how out of it I seemed. I stirred what had changed to cold tea and blinked a couple of times, stretching a smile on my face as I woke myself up from my thoughts.

I shook my head, "nothing important. I'm just tired." Luna gave me an unconvinced look, putting her fork into her red velvet cake before entering her mouth. She swallowed before muttering, "I don't think so." She was reading me like an open book.

I glanced around the cafe, noticing a couple more people had entered. It was a lot livelier. "Well... I think I just need a distraction," I vaguely told her. That was true. "Or some kind of event that will refresh my mind."

"It's been difficult for you, hasn't it?" Luna lamented, an understanding look on her youthful face. "Learning to stay and home and not dance after something like that happened. You're always on the move, Ria." It was a little awkward seeing my younger sister be so empathetic. Luna had always been observant. Luna lightly laughed, "it's strange seeing you so idle. Like you're stuck." I sighed.

Then my eyes moved downwards to the red velvet cake in the middle of the table. I told Luna that she could have it but she left it between us to share. I never usually had cake. But I picked up my fork and without hesitation, sunk it into the soft cake, taking a small piece and immediately bringing it into my mouth, the smooth cream mixed with the fluffy cake, the sugar swirling around in my mouth.

It had been a long time since I had tasted cake. It tasted good and for once, I didn't feel sick or guilty eating cake. I had noticed that. I found myself recognising that I did a lot better mentally when I was with Leonardo. I always ate better and had a healthier outlook on myself. Then I realised that wasn't a good thing because when I wasn't living with Leonardo or we were apart for too long, it would all change negatively again.

"Ria?"

Luna's doe eyes stared at me again in disbelief. "You keep zoning out," she seriously said, beginning to look a little concerned. I put on a braver face, stretching another smile across my face to reassure my sister. "Sorry, Lu," I gingerly said, "what did you say?"

She gave me a look and I knew that I wouldn't be able to contain my thoughts any longer. I uncrossed my leg and moved my hair off my shoulder. I gently exhaled before spilling what was on my mind, "I'm thinking of things I'm not sure I should let you hear. Your biggest concern right now is grades, not all the stuff repeating in my head." Luna glared me and I lightly chuckled at her attempt of a displeased look.

"I've been sat here feeling what you're feeling since you can't hide it," Luna then firmly added, "oh, you have to tell me." I shook my head with a smile before bringing my cup to my lips. I quickly placed it down with a bitter expression across my face. I wasn't a fan of cold tea.

Realising that she wasn't going to let it go anytime soon, I gave in, "nothing." My manicured fingernails tapped against the glass. Luna and I had been to get our nails done. It had been a while since I last did them. I stared down, feeling the heaviness return to my chest at the thought of releasing all the consuming thoughts inside. "I just...I want to change my present, myself, my future. I hate how I feel right now."

"And how do you feel?" Luna asked so softly that it made me chuckle again. She was being so serious it was strange. I should've been the one giving her a chance to voice feelings.

"Mmm..." I tried to find the right words to piece together my mind. "Trapped? Confused?" I sighed again, my mind wandering back to Leonardo. "Like I'm stuck in time living something that just isn't right." I wasn't sure if I was making much since. I clasped my hands together, finding my mind begin to spiral again. I didn't want to tell her everything; Luna would be too worried.

"Well..." Luna slowly let out, thinking for a moment. She smiled, sitting up with her elbows against the table, a bright look across her face. "When I was bored, I was scrolling online for a bit and I found a holiday package the other day. It's a couple of hours away. It's got a cottage there, which I didn't think I'd be into, but it's really cute! The town is full of history and they have some really cool museums there. It's full of nature and small businesses, some little lifestyle shops and tourist friendly markets!" My stress seemed to decrease even hearing about it. My lips separated as my eyes expanded a little in slight excitement, a longing feeling filling me.

"I didn't even mention the best part—a popular beach! People come from all over to see it. Apparently, there's some really good views over there!" Luna continued to ramble as she always did when she was excited. I couldn't help but share her gleeful smile, already feeling the burden release itself from my chest as if all I needed was to hear such comforting words from her.

"So what do you say?" Luna questioned, beaming at me. "We did say that we wanted to do something. You and I have never been on a trip together before." I could see the hope in her eyes and suddenly felt emotional, happy that my sister wanted to spend time with me.

"Book it, Lu," I responded without hesitation, a small exhalation of relief leaving me. I nodded more to myself as she grinned, whipping out her phone.

That was it. The answer to my mental torment.

My new start would begin there.

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~ Author's Note ~

Maybe this is what Maria needs—a change. But will her new change include Leonardo in it?

Keep reading to find out!

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