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𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀

Leonardo was pacing up and down the hospital ward drenched from the rain he had ran in, clutching his daughter tightly as he fought to save her. His hand went through in his messy, wet hair, grasping onto it as he exasperated in worry for Amalia.

I bit down hard onto my bottom lip, my eyes tightly closing momentarily as I tried to fight away the tingling feeling in my nose, and the stinging in my eyes as I felt the tears building from the fear of the sense of urgency and uncertainty.

The smell of the hospital ward overwhelmed me; there was a mixture of antiseptic, people's mixing scents and food as well as a faint hint of metallic scent in the emergency room we were waiting in.

It was difficult seeing her like that; the small baby wheezing for air, fighting for survival. Her neck had become swollen and she had completely lost consciousness, not responding to anything externally.

I sniffed, using the towel the nurse had given me to dab my face. It was cold, the rain had completely drenched me and my clothes stuck onto me uncomfortably. I was still feeling the effects of running so fast in the rain, my heart was pounding and my head throbbing as I tried to regain my breath.

My seat was cold and hard to sit on; my butt felt numb. My hands were still shaking though I tried to clasp them together and stop myself from shivering so much. The rain was still gushing down outside, spattering against the window, creating large puddles on the ground as people attempted to avoid them outside, their umbrellas up as they quickly ran for shelter. The sky was dark and gloomy, the rain seemed to be unwilling to stop.

My eyes were darting around everywhere, doctors in white cloaks holding clipboards and medical equipment circling around the place, nurses jogging in various directions to their patients that were wailing in pain, the emergency services bringing in new victims, some screaming, some crying and even some being revived back to life. That constant sound of the machine beeping, the repeated calls for the nurses was bringing a wave of anxiety to me. My panic amplified just thinking about Amalia hidden away by a large, green curtain being treated by so many different health professionals.

"What the fuck was I thinking?" Leonardo was reiterating over and over, his head was in his hands as he moved back and forth in front of me, constantly rubbing his forehead and clenching his face in regret and anguish.

"She's going to be okay. ." My voice came out quieter than I intended, weary and unconvincing. I exhaled, trying to relive myself from the weight hanging onto my chest.

We had been waiting for hours. As soon as Amalia was taken, we were sent to wait at the side with no updates. I understood his inability to clearly think; my mind was filled with all sorts of conflicting thoughts, regret, worry, hope, tormenting me about the safety of Amalia.

"Mr Romano? Amalia Romano's guardian?"

Our heads simultaneously shot up at the sound of her name. The doctor noticed the two of us and as I rose to my feet to stand by Leo's side, he approached us casually, as if we hadn't been waiting ages to hear about Amalia.

The doctor looked younger than I expected. He was definitely older than me but looked more like a junior doctor. Leonardo seemed to have thought the same, disdainfully yet concerningly looking at the man with dark blue eyes.

"How is she?"

He flicked over the sheet and began, "evening, I'm Doctor Richards. Amalia had an anaphylaxis reaction - to simply put, she's allergic to something which caused the symptoms of difficulty breathing, the rash and the high temperature-"

"Is she okay? Can she breathe now?" Leonardo urgently interrupted, his eyes filled with despair, eyebrows raised in distress as he awaited the response he wanted to hear. I had never seen him so concerned.

"Yes, she's stable now," Doctor Richards replied, filling me with a wave of relief. I exhaled in reassurance, placing my hand in Leonardo's arm as a sign of consolation. He immediately looked much more reposed, letting out a breath of solace and nodding slowly, glad his daughter was alive and well.

"We gave her a few shots and medication. But has anything like this happened before? I can't see it anything on my sheet but. . ." He trailed off, concentrating on re-reading the data in front of him. I looked over at Leonardo who was momentarily having an inner debate of whether or not this had happened before.

"No," Leo replied a little too strongly, before clearing his throat, glancing away and saying more gently, "not that I. . .am aware of. ." A lost and regretful look overcame him. He must have been thinking about his mother. I bit my bottom lip even harder, worried about what Doctor Richards would say.

The doctor nodded as he contemplated, glancing between us. He hummed before sucking in sharply a breath then asking, "well. .what did she eat today? We have a rough idea but just to confirm, please tell us. .that will give us a better idea while we run some tests."

It was my turn to speak since I had been with her the majority of the day. "A lot of fruit," I started, my mind running through all I had done with Amalia that day. "Apple juice. .strawberry yoghurt. .oranges. For lunch she had mashed sweet potatoes and she got hungry before dinner. I didn't want her to be too full for it so I gave her some. . ." I paused, my face slowly falling as I realised what I was about to say.

Leonardo's desperate eyes were on me, his eyebrows beginning to knit together as he questioned what I was about to say. My heart dropped as I even struggled to breathe. I placed my hand on my temple, my face grimacing a little as I softly groaned.

I screwed up.

Meeting the doctor's eyes again, I hesitated whilst his eyes encouraged me to continue.

". . .we. .I. .was eating and gave her some of my almond. .croissant. .it must be nuts. . ." I practically whispered the last part, my eyes beginning to fill with tears as I began to fret over what I had fed Amalia - how I had become the cause of her allergic reaction.

The doctor once again sharply inhaled and wrote something down on his sheet though he tried to look empathetic. I didn't dare look at Leonardo, and my head lowered, my eyes on the floor as I tried not to cry - I didn't have the right to.

"Don't worry - it's a possibility but we won't know fully until the results come out. I assume you're her. . . ?" I had no idea what to say, my lips parted but nothing came out.

"Doctor Richards?" A nurse was calling from him by another patient, her eyes urgent as she urged him to come forwards. He gave us a brief smile before saying, "please be assured that she's fine. In about an hour, you can see her. For now, she needs rest." The doctor left after that.

I blinked a few times before wiping the tear that had escaped my eyes. The tingling in the tip of my nose grew more unbearable, it became harder and harder not to cry. "Leo, I-" I turned to face him but he had already begun to walk away, his retreating figure disappearing down the ward.

Sighing heavily, I slumped back into the same hard chair as before and buried my head in my hands on my lap. All my contrition poured out into a flood of tears streaming down my face. I was too stupid - what was I thinking? I had never taken care of a child before meeting Amalia. If I wanted to be with Leo, if I wanted to be a part of Amalia's life then at least, I should've done my research, I should've been more educated about before around a child - I should never have relied on my own ideas and understandings of how a baby is based on other people and the media. It all came down to me and my selfish desire to want to - to what? At that point I didn't know why I took care of her - was it to prove myself to him? Or to genuinely love her? Either way, I messed up and that innocent child paid the price.

The thoughts were swirling around in my mind as my heart twisted. One hand was against my chest, tight and stuffy, the other over my wet eyes as I struggling to control the tears forcing themselves out. I was aching with remorse - what happened was exactly the consequence of my own ignorance.

My mind had completely blocked out the busy world around me so when I felt the hand touching my shoulder, I automatically flinched, moving my hand away from my eyes. Blinking to bring my vision back to focus, the tears subsided and I realised a woman sitting beside me.

"Oh, dear. . ." Her gentle voice said as she offered me a warm smile, "why is such a beautiful girl crying all by herself?" As I stared in confusion, her dark eyes, filled with empathy gazed deeply upon my face, intently staring at me. I sniffled, wiping my face and croaking out, "do I. . .do I know you?" Oddly, she looked familiar just by her eyes. She softly chucked, her smile extending as she continued to scan my face.

Placing her hand on top of mine, she gently squeezed it asking, "they all say I look different now. I suppose they were right. You don't recognise me, Maria?" My eyes expanded slightly at the mention of my name. I wiped my eyes once more, trying to control my little sniffles as I stared at her.

She then revealed, "it's me, Leonardo's mother."

I gaped at her, immediately straightening my posture. "Oh! Signora, I-I'm sorry, I-"

His mother waved her hand, shaking her head. "No, no, darling, it is fine," she said in Italian, a familiar voice filling my ears. She really did look different. The woman I knew was older, a haggard face tainted with faded bruises and cuts, downcast eyes filled with fear and lacking vitality, wrinkles forming despite her young age. But the woman I was staring at then looked renewed. Her warm eyes were full of peace and hope, her smile energetic and alive. I had never seen her look so divine, looking too young to be a mother.

She squeezed my hand once more saying, "I was told what happened by the hospital. Is that why you are crying?" I looked away emotionally, hoping the water works wouldn't start again, "Signora, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt-"

"Maria, ragazza dolce {sweet girl}, this is not your fault! These things happen," his mother kindly reassured me, her hand reaching out and gently wiping my cheeks but I couldn't shake the guilt eating at me. Sighing she continued, "please don't blame yourself - the worst thing you can do is blame yourself. I - well, I'd prefer to speak to both you and Leonardo. Do you know where he is?" Looking around, his familiar presence wasn't anywhere to be found and the hour was soon to be up. "I'll find him," I firmly told her as she smiled in acknowledgment.

I went along the same path he did earlier. I sighed, feeling the weight of my emotions as I attempted to find him with no idea where he was or how he was feeling towards me.

Pushing the door open to the staircase, I was about to search another floor or try to find an exit where he could have left from.

It was there where I found him in a similar position to me; his head in his hands sat with trembling shoulders at the bottom of the stairs.

The cries were silent but spoke enough volume.

He was sat there alone, falling apart right in front of me.

The door shut behind me loudly and I slowly approached him, gulping as I thought of the best way to comfort him.

"Leonardo. ." I whispered, lowering myself to his level and placing my hands on his arm. I tilted my head a little, hoping to see a glimpse of his face that his large hands were hiding. Such a huge man curled up by himself crying, it wasn't a sight I was used to.

He didn't make a sound, instead breathing heavily and sniffing. He pressed his hands against his closed eyes.

"Leo, I am so, so sorry," I earnestly apologised, crouched in front of him. "I should've known not to give a child that - Amalia that. I was ignorant and I am so-"

"You've been crying?" His muffled voice asked, slightly hoarse and full of melancholy. I blinked a few times but didn't respond. I didn't realise my voice was full of such noticeable sadness.

Leonardo exhaled before clearing his throat, slowly lifting his face to reveal his eyes tinged with redness. My face immediately softened as I gazed at him, my hand reached out and gently my thumb wiped the stray tear trickling down his cheek. My heart felt heavy just looking at him so vulnerable and distraught. He looked like how he did years ago, something about the tears had brought a perception of youthfulness to him, his emotions were had poured out.

He held my hand unexpectedly in his and murmured, "Ria, it's not your fault." My hand looked so small in his. I sighed in disagreement, looking down and was about to interject until he held onto my hand harder, a firm look in his eyes. "It's mine," Leonardo breathed out, his hand once again running through his messy hair.

"I didn't know that my own daughter was allergic to nuts."

He scoffed, shaking his head before looking up at the ceiling. He tightly closed his eyes and groaned. "Can you imagine? A father not even knowing what his daughter can't have?" I was a little surprised at his words and then understood the depth of guilt he must have been feeling.

"I can't take care of her," he began in a defeated tone. I shook my head, "no-"

"You saw earlier," he pressed, "I couldn't get her to eat, I couldn't didn't even recognise that she was fighting for own life in my own arms-"

"Leo-"

"She could've died! She could've been gone all because of me!"

"I thought that I could be a better parent than he ever was. That I could give so much more than I ever received. That she would be better off with me than her self-absorbed mother who abandoned her." Leonardo exhaled, his head hung low. "I am just as bad."

"Since you can't see it yourself here." A familiar voice broke through. Both of our heads snapped upwards towards towards the door to see his mother, her eyes filled with concern as she gazed onto her son. Her voice sounded dejected as she continued, "come see her for yourself; how much she loves you."

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At the general ward, a wide-eyed child with a huge jovial grin called out, "papa!" Her tiny arms stretched out, begging to be picked up as she rose from her bed, energetic and excited to see her father. Amalia looked much better than before, her natural colour had come back to her skin and the swelling had gone down.

Leonardo hesitated, apprehensive about being around her from his guilt. His mother pushed him a little from behind, urging her son to reunite with his daughter. The moment Leonardo scooped up little Amalia, she held onto him tightly, smiling ear to ear at the sight of him, speaking incoherently.

His eyes closed as he held her, a sigh of relief coming from him as he gently rocked Amalia in his large arms.

Her eyes met mine, lighting up immediately. She surprised me by stretching her arms out to me. Glancing between us, Leonardo moved closer, allowing Amalia to reach to me and come into my arms. "I'm sorry, baby," I murmured, kissing her temple as I hugged her tightly, her little hands playing with my hair. My heart instantly relaxed seeing her back to herself, bubbly and playful.

"These things happen," Leonardo's mother said by the window as she gazed outside. My attention focused onto her as she continued, "I can't tell you the amount of times I accidentally hurt you boys," she chuckled, shaking her head as she looked nostalgic. "When I was younger, I could never get over the guilt of leaving your younger brother Dante on the edge of the bed. He fell off and had the darkest bruise I had ever seen on his little head. . ." She sighed, looking a little sad. "I couldn't even get him medical help. . .that might explain his behaviour now," she chuckled again on a lighter tone.

"Or when I let Vincenzo make his own breakfast for the first time. .he burnt his finger on the toaster playing around," His mother grinned a little, "but it did teach him a lesson."

"I'm not excusing what happened, it shouldn't have," she seriously said, looking at the two of us. "But don't beat yourselves up over this - there is no perfect parent, we all make mistakes. You learn, you grow and change and move on." I listened to her attentively and I looked to see Leonardo's full attention on his mother too. We were both reflecting.

"So move on," she encouraged, smiling at her granddaughter who shifted her attention onto my earring. "Learn from this, learn more about Amalia and grow to become better parents for her that she needs."

Better parents, I thought to myself. Leonardo's warm eyes met mine as he caressed his daughter's hair.

"It's not your fault," he whispered, a sincere look of empathy in his eyes.

I smiled a little, gently squeezing Amalia's tiny hand.

"It's not yours, either."

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~ Author's Note ~

That was difficult for Leonardo - it's hard because he's juggling between helping his mental health and trying to be a father.
For Maria, that was a situation she struggled with too.
Any opinions on what happened with Amalia?

I'd like to say next chapter is a little brighter but that's not entirely true. . .keep reading to see the next hurdle Maria needs to cross.

Thoughts on this chapter?

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Thanks for reading!

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