chapter twenty-six / eeship-yuk
I Need U
(026)

Now that I know the truth, it all makes sense and I keep beating myself up, wondering how I could have been so blind. He's subtle in the way he cares for me, and maybe that's why I didn't notice before.

I think of all the times he's worried for me, how he notices when I'm upset, and how he always does something to try to comfort me. I was so gullible to assume that Yoongi's kindness was just due to the fact that we're friends. I was so foolish to turn a blind eye to his love. I feel selfish for using him without even thinking twice of what his feelings might be.

I think of that day that he helped me to make Namjoon jealous. That same day was when me and Namjoon had our first kiss. I wonder if we would've ever gotten together if it wasn't for Yoongi. Did it hurt him for me to pretend to flirt with him knowing it was to get Namjoon's attention?

I can't stop thinking the same thing, over and over; why? Why would he so willingly hurt himself. He never even tried to compete with Namjoon, he watched me fall for someone that wasn't him so contentedly. I don't know why that thought makes me so angry, so hurt. It makes my heart twinge because now I wish I had always known how overly selfless he was.

Yoongi is someone that would give his life to keep a life I loved beside me, and because of that, I feel my heart breaking apart for Min Yoongi and his selfless, beautiful, but unrequited love. No matter how many tears run down my cheeks, I can never trade those in to make it okay, I can never buy a love to repay him.

In a moment of anger, sadness, and frustration, I find myself wishing that I could trade my unreturned love for Namjoon for a mutual love with Yoongi. He deserves that, he deserves better, and I keep cursing myself because I can't give that to him.

Why would you fall for someone like me, Min Yoongi?

I don't know how long I've been holed up inside this room, but when I finally decide to pick myself up from the ground, my muscles feel achy.

Though my hands shake and my heart thumps hard against my chest, telling me not to go outside this room, I ignore it, knowing I need to finish what I had originally planned to do.

I slowly open the door, peaking out into the hallway before leaving the room. Once I see that the coast is clear, I sneak to the other side of the hall where Namjoon's room is. I breathe in deeply with my eyes closed, trying to calm my pounding heart and gather the courage to knock on the door in front of me. I let go of that breath and take my chance.

"What is it, Wren?" Namjoon answers tiredly after opening his door.

I try to swallow a lump that seems to be forming in my throat. "Mama sent you a message."

"You could've just sent it to me." He starts to close his door and I feel my heart dropping. Before I can even think, I stick my foot in the door way. When Namjoon can't push the door any further, he meets my eyes for what felt like the first time in forever. I gulp because of the tension in the air, but refuse to avert my eyes.

"But then I wouldn't be able to see it." Another moment of silence that almost seems to electrify the air between us. "I can't open it without you. I need to see it, Namjoon, it's all I have of her," I plead.

I see something flicker in his eyes, an emotion I can't identify, but it's something I haven't seen him express in quite some time. Maybe it was sympathy, and that 'maybe' makes me hopeful for one split second before the look fades.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, and as his breath releases, so does all of the hope that I felt previously. "For God's sake, Wren! When will you get it through your head?" I suck in a breath. "I don't want you around."

I try to breathe out, but it feels like my lungs have collapsed. "What?"

"I don't want you around, Wren. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you, I don't want to think about you. Please just stay away from me."

I blink. On the outside, I'm frozen, emotionless, just a shell. On the inside, though, a million thoughts and feelings run through my head and heart and it feels like it should be impossible to hold so much. I feel like everything will explode at any moment because I want to cry, I want to scream and yell, I want to hit and kick, I want him to know just how much pain I'm feeling because of him.

Despite how loud it is in my head, all that comes to my mouth is a whisper. "Okay."

I walk away from him when all I want to do is walk to him. I keep quiet even though all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. I keep a straight face even though all I want to do is cry and cry until I can't feel anymore.

I didn't know where I was walking, I just thought my legs were taking me to some unknown place; that is, until I ended up standing here in front of Yoongi's door.

Why did I come here? I leave from one person who doesn't want to see me just to go to another person who probably doesn't want to see me either. Even though I think to myself that I should leave, my body does the exact opposite and knocks on his door.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why did you do-

"Wren? Do you need some-" Before he can even finish, I throw myself into his arms, burying my face into his shoulder.

"I need you," I dare to say quietly. The tears that had been lost inside of me before, finally make their appearance when I feel his warm hand come up to rub the back of my head soothingly.

To my relief, he doesn't ask me why I'm crying, he doesn't mention Namjoon, though I'm sure he probably knows he's the reason for these tears, he just holds me like if he lets go, I'll fall apart. In this moment, it feels like his arms are the glue holding my broken pieces together.

He holds me so close that I can feel his heart beating against his chest. I notice how frantic and quick the rhythm is, and that's when I remember. I remember how he feels for me.

"I'm sorry." I pull away. "I didn't mean to bother you."

He gives me a sad smile. "You never bother me."

Something so simple as what he just said, that shouldn't make my heart do flips, that shouldn't make my cheeks so hot. I never thought twice about such statements, but now that I know what it means, it's so much different. I return his smile shyly.

"Wren," he starts, stepping closer, slightly too close, and places his palm on the side of my face. He gently wipes away the fallen tears on my skin, and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. I gulp slightly due to the close proximity. "If you really do need me, you know I'll always be here for you." His voice is soft and sweet, and I'm not sure if it's soothing or if it's making my heart beat even harder.

His eyes bore into mine, and the contact grows so intense that I want to look away, but it's almost like I'm locked into a trance. Then I see his eyes flicker down to my lips, and I see his jaw clench, like he's trying so hard to hold himself back.

He gets closer and I can feel his warm breath fan over my skin, sending chills down my spine. It's like his scent is as intoxicating as whiskey, and the longer I breathe it in, the worse my judgement gets. Logic tells me to back up, to tell him thank you and goodnight. Logic tells me if I let this go any further that I'll regret it, and that'll hurt Yoongi. Logic screams Namjoon's name over and over, but my broken heart cries that he wouldn't care so why should I?

Before I know it, I'm grabbing the back of Yoongi's head and pulling him in to finish exactly what he wanted to start. Our lips crash together and I relish the taste of him like an alcoholic does the taste of whiskey. The kiss is rushed and heated, and it make me forget the pain I feel, so I kiss him harder and longer, and soon enough, I have him pushed against his door.

I run my hands down his chest and I hear him groan, and the fact that the voice I'm used to hearing isn't the one that just came out of the man in front of me wakes me up from this drunken kiss.

As soon as I pull away, I look to see Yoongi, slightly sweaty and out of breath, but I can already see the pain etched onto his face. He knew from the moment I kissed him exactly what this was.

He laughs bitterly and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Yoongi..." I breath," I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that, it was-"

"A mistake?" He finishes.

"No, please! I love you, just..." I trail off.

"It's okay, Wren, I know you love me, just not the way that I love you," he drops his head but keeps that same sad smile on his face, "and you don't have to look at me like that. Let's just both forget that this ever happened." He turns around and closes his bedroom door, the sound of it making me want to drop to the floor.

What have I done?

That same question, it ravages my brain all night long and prevents me from drifting off to sleep. I squeeze my eyes shut and wish and pray that if there's a lord of time, he can take me back to the past to fix what I had done, because if I can't fix the past, then how will I fix the future?

I want to say that me and Yoongi's friendship can withstand anything, but if I were him, I wouldn't even be able to look me in the eyes, heck, I don't have to be him for that same statement to be true. I'm despicable.

His love for me was selfless, he gave and gave until there was nothing left for himself, but me, I'm selfish. I take and I take and now there's nothing left where there used to be one of my closest friends. I curl up into a ball and soak my bed sheets with tears. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock.

Suddenly, I hear my bedroom door open slowly. My first hopeful thought is that it's Yoongi and he came to talk out what happened, but I find myself too much of a coward to turn to my other side and check, so instead, I just pretend to be asleep.

I hear footsteps approaching my bed before I finally feel the mattress shifting under the weight of whoever is in my room. The anticipation of whatever they're going to do is enough to drive any person insane. I feel like my heart is in my throat.

I do my best to stay still as long arms wrap around my frame and I feel a body press to the back of mine. Now I know, I don't have to turn to see who this is, I don't have to ask, I know exactly who this is. The way my body fits so perfectly next to his, the warmth, the feeling of being secure that I've missed for so long, it's too familiar.

I can't pretend to be asleep anymore. "Namjoon," I whimper. He holds me closer, tighter, and god, it feels so good but at the same time it's eating me alive with guilt. He buries his face into the back of my shoulder and I can feel his ragged breathing.

"I'm sorry," he breathes. "God, I'm so sorry, Wren!" I feel him trembling, and I can already feel the part of my shirt that he has his face on getting soaked with warm tears. I feel like I've been stabbed a million times. I have to bite down on my lip until there's the metallic taste of blood on my tongue to keep my sobs from turning into a scream.

"I didn't mean those things I said, and I should never have pushed you away the way that I did. I was just... I was so scared," he explains through choked sobs.

"What did I do in your dream that made you so afraid to be with me?"

He takes a deep breath. "It wasn't what you did, it was what I did. I was so afraid to see you hurt because of me like I did in my hallucination, that I wanted you to hate me, to leave me, but after some things that I heard from Yoongi and your mom, I realized that I was already hurting you, and you weren't leaving, you just let me keep hurting you. I don't want to hurt you, Wren, I want to protect you and be the reason that you smile."

It's funny that something I wanted to hear for so long is now the reason for this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't deserve Namjoon, and I don't deserve Yoongi. Why would two selfless boys fall for a selfish girl like me?

I cry harder, but Namjoon only holds me tighter, and I want to tell him to let go, to leave me alone because I'm worthless, but I'm selfish, and even though the pain of guilt is hard to swallow, Namjoon's skin next to mine drowns out that feeling. It's funny how someone's presence can cause you pain while also comforting you.

"I- I want to fix this. I want to fix us. Please just be patient with me and help me get better, I promise I'll try my best."

I can't take it anymore. "I kissed Yoongi!"

His arms loosen from around me just the slightest bit, and in the silence that engulfs this room, I swear I hear his heart shatter. "What?"

I take a deep breath and turn to face him. The light in my room is dim, and I can't make out much, but the hurt I see in his eyes is clear. "I was sad, angry, and I was hurt. After the last time we talked, I went to Yoongi, and I- I kissed him," I confess solemnly.

"And?" He asks with hesitation.

"And," I continue, "he wasn't you."

Namjoon nods his head. I can tell he's upset, but I can also tell that he's holding back most of what he's feeling at this moment. Maybe he feels that being angry with me isn't justified after what he put me through, but I don't feel that way. I want him to yell at me, scream at me, I want him to tell me how disappointed he is because that's what I deserve. But this is Namjoon, so of course, there will be no such thing.

"It's okay," he says, but from the way his voice cracks, it reaffirms my thoughts that it's absolutely not okay.

I shake my head. "I hurt you and Yoongi. You might forgive me, but what if he never does?"

Namjoon laughs breathlessly. "Knowing Yoongi, I think he already has."

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A/N -

"And to the... horror of losing your best friend because you were stupid enough to fall in love with her."

- Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster