DISCLAIMER:

You do not have to read it if you do not want to, this is purely for my own amusement and timeline for my OC. If you choose to read it, be warned it gets sickeningly sweet at the end. Please have a trash can near in case your hurl from your sweet tooth being pushed past its limit and prepare yourself to be utterly disappointed in me. I do not claim any damages caused to your body from your reaction to this.

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 (?) 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐊𝐢𝐦 𝐒𝐨𝐨𝐣𝐮𝐧𝐠
(𝟏 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐟 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬, 𝟏𝟒 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

When he was 14, Jaehyung got his first girlfriend. He should be ecstatic! All his friends playfully teased the new couple, his classmate—his girlfriend—grinning and blushing red in response. Jaehyung was unsure how he should feel. Shouldn't his heart feel something when he held her hand? Shouldn't he want to proudly say that he had a girlfriend? But he didn't.

When he thought about holding her hand, he wanted to tuck it away in his pocket out of reach. When he thought about calling her his girlfriend, it made him shift uncomfortably in his seat. When he thought about how his friends would tease them, it made him want to turn red in embarrassment, but it didn't feel like the same red Soojung sported when teased. It was a painful kind of blush, mixed with feelings of discomfort and fear. It was a feeling that made him want to cry. He should be happy, not scared. He would become Soojung's boyfriend and they would kiss like they did in those shows his mother watched while folding laundry. But it made him uncomfortable thinking of Soojung that way. He didn't know why he was feeling this way.

As Jaehyung's best friend had told him, "A cute girl confessed to you? You should ask her out!" The other boys agreed excitedly at how Jaehyung would be the first of them to get a girlfriend. Jaehyung was unsure... he didn't even like her. But maybe that came after getting together? He didn't know. He didn't know a thing about romance. All he knew is that he didn't like it. No, he didn't like this feeling at all. 

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐊𝐢𝐬𝐬 - 𝐊𝐢𝐦 𝐇𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐤
(𝐄𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐲, 𝟏𝟓 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

It was an accident. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't an accident at all. They were friendly with each other. Well, friendly enough. They weren't really friends but Jae's friend was Hoseok's friend and they met each other better that way. They talked about class and Hoseok helped Jae with math. Friendly.

But kissing each other in the sports shed wasn't all that friendly. Kissing was something you did with the person you liked that way. Did Hoseok like Jaehyung in that way when he pressed his dry lips on 15-year-old Jae's? Did Jaehyung like Hoseok in that way when he leaned in to meet the taller boy halfway? Jaehyung wasn't sure. But he was more sure than he was with Soojung. He liked this. He liked kissing Hoseok in the dusty shed filled with sports equipment after phys ed.

They were sweaty and breathing hard from the soccer game they just played. Jae's ankled ached from how he epically failed to block Heejin's shot and lost their bet, having to take her place in putting the equipment away. Maybe he should thank Heejin after though. Because though the kiss was slightly uncomfortable and stiff, Jae's heart couldn't help but beat a bit faster as his lips touched Hoseok's.

But wasn't this wrong?

Jae thought about how his dad side-eyed unapprovingly to those two men holding hands discreetly when they thought nobody noticed on a grocery run. He thought about that one foreign movie where the two girls kissed and his mom changed the channel without even a second thought. But at the moment, where the sun shone through the single window in the shed, where dust danced in the air around the two boys, where Hoseok's chapped lips met Jae's soft ones, where the only ones who knew of this moment were Hoseok, Jae, and their audience of various sports ball, Jaehyung didn't care.

Jaehyung didn't care.

They pulled away when they heard the sound of sneakers against dirt nearing the shed, eyes avoiding each other, their red faces easily able to be blamed on the class minutes before. When their classmate asked what was taking so long, Jaehyung innocently complained to their friend about staying in the shade just for a little longer, pouting dramatically. Their friend grinned and rolled their eyes promising to give them a decent excuse. Their secret kiss was just that, a secret. Forever known to their classmate as a rest after class, to their teacher as being locked in the shed accidentally, and being known to Jeong Jaehyung and Kim Hoseok as their first kiss with another boy.

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐀𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐲 𝐉𝐮𝐦𝐢𝐧 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢
(𝟏 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝟒 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬, 𝟏𝟕-𝟏𝟖 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

Anthony Choi was a breath of fresh air to Jeong Jaehyung. He was as loud as Jae was and even worse at Korean literature than Jae was (though Jae wasn't sure if he should be proud of that since Anthony was from America and Jae was born and raised speaking Korean). The little twinge of an accent when he spoke Korean was charming to Jae and before he knew it, the new student would occupy his mind.

Jae's eyes would subconsciously rest upon Jumin who sat a few seats ahead of him, noticing how the sun bounced off his chestnut-colored hair, giving the boy a hazy glow. When Jaehyung and Jumin spoke, Jae felt his palms sweat and his ears give his cheeks a run for their money. He wasn't sure if the other boy ever noticed, but if he did, he never said anything about it.

Jaehyung was just fine being a classmate Jumin occasionally talked to. He was fine just knowing that he liked someone, that he was capable of the elusive concept of having a crush. It was strange enough Jaehyung was feeling... whatever he was feeling for this other boy. It would be stranger if the other boy felt the same way to him... wouldn't it?

But then Jumin started to seek Jaehyung out to talk to as well. In the halls, in the classroom, during lunch, and after school. Any moment where Jumin could talk to Jae he was there. Jae felt that Jumin was interested in him as well—whether as a friend or more—and he was flattered and elated over the fact.

Eventually, the two started meeting outside of school. They often went to the movies or spent time at Jumin's house. When they were together, Jaehyung felt like he was on a date with someone he liked and it was a euphoric feeling. But it also hurt sometimes. Knowing that you like someone but they don't like you back... it felt like Jaehyung kept giving himself hope before his more logical side came crashing down on him.

However, hope is not always lost. They were watching a foreign movie on the television in the dark on a Friday night. Jaehyung was hugging a couch pillow as he watched while Jumin ate popcorn. The only sound was the desperate begging of the woman on screen as she was about to be murdered before six words were uttered nonchalantly by the taller boy over the movie: "You know I like you, right?"

Jaehyung's head snapped at Jumin who was still snacking and looking at the television. Did he imagine it? Imagine hearing what he wanted to hear? Jaehyung deflated, still observing Jumin. He couldn't help but ask, "Did you say something?" He couldn't help but hope...

"You know I like you, right?" Jumin repeated. Repeated. So he did say it and this time Jaehyung saw his mouth say those words.

"You like me?" Jaehyung asked incredulously, "Well, I hope you would since we hang out so much." He acted oblivious, even though he understood the implications behind Jumin's words. He needed to hear it clearly.

"No, I like you as in I want to kiss you." Jumin corrected, still not looking at Jaehyung. Jae's heart skipped a beat. He wanted to kiss him! He wanted to...

"Y-yeah?" Jae stuttered, "Then...then why don't you?" The movie wasn't even in Jaehyung's mind anymore. He tuned out the screaming and chainsaw sounds. What a horrible movie to have in the background of a confession!

"Well, I was sure you liked me too," he answered, "but I didn't want to kiss you so suddenly in case you didn't." Jumin finally looked at Jae with a face that told him he didn't think it was that big of a deal. Was it because he was from America?

"Well... I do," Jaehyung confessed looking at the other boy expectantly. When he didn't do anything, Jae set the pillow aside and scooted closer to him, taking some of the popcorn from the bowl that Jumin was basically hoarding. "Do you want to kiss me now?"

"Yeah," Jumin said, leaning in closer to Jae. He was so close Jaehyung was sure Jumin could hear his heartbeat clearly. The light of the television illuminated their faces, only inches apart. Choi Jumin left a light kiss on the corner of Jae's mouth and pulled away and Jaehyung knew that was as far as he was going to go that night.

Jaehyung didn't like that. His eyebrows raised and his lips pursed in disbelief. Did he go through all that just for a little peck not even on the lips? Fat chance. Jaehyung placed his hands on Jumin's shoulders and quickly leaned him to kiss him square on the lips. There was no mistaking this one, Jaehyung was kissing Jumin and they both liked it very much. From that day on, the two were secretly dating.

It was bliss for Jaehyung, to be actually dating a boy he liked. He hated they could only act affectionate in private but overall, Jaehyung was the happiest he had been in a long time.

However, it doesn't last. While they were happy, there were still a few things that rested in the back of Jae's mind as he dated Anthony.

Firstly, his family: Jae knew they weren't supportive of people like him and while he was never particularly close with either one of his parents and the constant comparison to his brother made them drift apart throughout the years, Jaehyung wasn't sure he wanted to have them hate him. No, he didn't want that at all because even if they weren't the closest family ever, they were still family.

Secondly, Jumin's family: his parents were kind and welcoming to Jaehyung since the moment they met but he feared how they might change if they were to find out he and Jumin weren't just close friends. The thought of how the warm look in their eyes would change made Jaehyung bite his bottom lip in anxiety. He didn't want anything to change.

Thirdly, their peers: Jaehyung once saw how a classmate in a younger grade was treated when she was outed by someone she called a close friend. The stinging leers people made when they looked at her made Jaehyung go numb with the thought of that being him. He was a coward, he knew and he hated himself for it. That hoobae was brave and she never let her gaze falter even when people said nasty things to her face. Teachers called her a delinquent for getting into fights (and that was just the very least of their comments) but Jaehyung saw her for what she was: someone who never backed down in the face of hatred and fear. He admired her, but at the same time, he doubted he could ever be like her. She was younger than him but infinitely more times stronger he believed he himself was. Years after, Jaehyung still thought of her.

Lastly (and this came very much later on), the fact that Jumin's grandmother had fallen sick and his family was moving back to America to be with her. Was it selfish that Jaehyung didn't want him to go even though he knew how much Anthony loved his grandmother? Jaehyung understood him, he loved his grandmother more than his parents if he were to be honest. He understood him but he still didn't want him to leave. To not be near him anymore, to not touch him anymore, to not see him face-to-face when he wanted... the thought made Jaehyung question if he could ever have a long-distance relationship. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but no, he didn't think he ever could. It just wasn't him.

It seemed everything went to hell in a month. Jaehyung and Anthony had limited time with each other before Jumin would leave. It was unlikely Jumin would be coming back to Korea for a while as he had gotten accepted into a good college in America (Jae still didn't know who or what he wanted to be. He had only barely passed his exams and it took a whole week for Jumin to reassure Jaehyung that there were still ways to get a job without university despite what his family liked to tell him.). They agreed it would be best to part ways completely when he left but for the time being... they were still Jae and Jumin, a couple.

It was Jaehyung's mistake to bring Jumin to his place while his parents were packing at their home. It was a mistake the moment they stepped through the doorway. Jaehyung just wanted to spend more time with him that the whole reason he didn't bring Jumin to his house in the first place slipped his mind. Sharing a room with your little brother wasn't always the best thing. When that little brother couldn't keep his mouth shut and strived to maintain his position as the perfect son, it seemed he would do anything to put down his competition.

Jaewoo wasn't supposed to be home then. He was supposed to be at tutoring. He wasn't supposed to walk in the room to see Jae kissing Jumin. He wasn't supposed to be there at all. And he most definitely wasn't supposed to tell Jaehyung's family something he wasn't ready to reveal yet.

But he did. And that's how the worst month of Jae's life started.

Jaewoo revealed it over dinner, despite Jaehyung's desperate pleas hours prior. The sly smirk on his face when he revealed Jaehyung was kissing a boy hurt more than the stony reactions his parents gave him. They were brothers. Jaehyung wouldn't ever do what Jaewoo did to him. Sure, they didn't get along but didn't the fact they were siblings mean anything?

His mother's shrieks filled the room, while his father stayed quiet (as always), the disapproval evident on his face. Jaehee's expression was stricken as if she never considered that her elder brother was gay. Jae avoided her eyes; he couldn't look at her. He just stared down at his plate, as his mother shouted at him to answer her questions. He didn't want to speak in fear of suddenly bursting into tears and being called even more unkind names. He was afraid of what might happen if he said anything.

That night, his parents gave him an ultimatum: to fix himself or leave the house. There was nothing to fix because there was nothing wrong with him, he reminded himself. There was nothing wrong with liking the same gender, with falling in love with somebody. There was never anything wrong with it and if Jae's family couldn't accept that fact, couldn't accept him, he didn't want them in his life anyways (at least this is what he said to reassure himself).

Jumin comforted Jae until the moment he left but there was nothing he could do once he got on that plane. Anthony helped Jae look for places to live, for possible jobs he could take on. As a passing statement, Jumin joked that Jae should become an idol trainee for the dorm, but to Jae that didn't sound like that bad of an idea. He enjoyed singing and dancing. He reveled in the gazes as he performed on stage during school performances. So Jae decided he would be an idol trainee. If he didn't make it, well... he wasn't sure what else he would do. It wasn't like he had many skills.

As Jaehyung's lips tingled with the memory of Jumin's last kiss, his phone buzzed with a notification that filled him with hope.

Jaehyung was accepted as a trainee at Fantagio Entertainment.

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐇𝐚𝐧 𝐃𝐨𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧
(𝟒 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬, 𝟏𝟗 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

Han Dohyun was someone who Jae regretted ever being with for as long as he did. He was rude and dismissive. But being lonely was a feeling that left Jaehyung feeling empty. At the time, Jaehyung thought the silence of being alone was worse than the way Han Dohyun made Jae feel so small. Later on, he realized that was foolish.

They met through a mutual friend, someone Jae had become friends with ever since fully accepting his sexuality. Jaehyung thought about how he ever allowed himself to stay near such a person for 4 months, much less date them. But was it dating? They were exclusive, yes, but Dohyun wasn't one to shy away from someone he found attractive even when Jaehyung was right there.

The sinking feeling in his stomach deepened with every minute Jaehyung spent with Dohyun and his self-confidence went down with it. What was he doing? Jaehyung was sure he didn't even like Dohyun. But he disliked the thought of being alone even more.

He knew he was pathetic. He knew it but still... but still...

While he broke up with Han Dohyun and blocked him quickly, he let it go on for too long. What if other relationships were like this? Jaehyung didn't like that. He didn't like that in the slightest.

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐇𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐃𝐨𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠
(𝟔 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬, 𝟐𝟎 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

After the asshole that was Han Dohyun, Hwang Doyoung seemed so perfect. He was attentive and friendly and never dared say anything negative about Jae. But Jaehyung didn't love him. He tried to, he really did. But they just never clicked as they should've as lovers.

Jaehyung knew Doyoung cared for him and Jae cared for Doyoung in turn, but Jae couldn't see himself with Doyoung for a long time. Was it mean to say that Doyoung never excited Jae? Not in any weird way, it's just that Jae was never particularly excited to see Doyoung like he felt he should've been.

It wasn't fair to Doyoung to be with him when Jae didn't want to be with him but... there was that feeling again. The fear of being alone. The empty pit inside of waking up feeling like his only supporter was himself. He knew this was unhealthy, but he couldn't help himself...

However, it seemed Jae wasn't the only one feeling like their relationship was empty. After a rather boring date, Doyoung told Jaehyung he wanted to break up because he liked someone else and she liked him back. Even if Jaehyung didn't like Doyoung that much, it still hurt his pride that Doyoung liked someone else while being with him. That he couldn't keep his attention.

Again, there were those foul thoughts.

Jae smiled amiably and wished him the best in his new relationship. Maybe Doyoung was merely a placeholder. But now, he was nothing and Jaehyung was once again alone.

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐅𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐡 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐆𝐨 𝐖𝐨𝐨𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠
(𝟏𝟏 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬, 𝟐𝟎-𝟐𝟏 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

Go Woohyung... was like Jaehyung's best friend. And perhaps that was where it all went wrong. Some lovers can also be your best friend and some are just better at being your best friend and nothing more. Woohyung was the latter.

Jaehyung enjoyed spending time with him and he was sure he loved him at first but eventually, he realized the love he felt was love for a close friend instead of an actual lover. He loved being with Woohyung like he loved being with his friends he still kept in contact with from high school.

What was wrong with him? It was like his relationship with Doyoung all over again! Why couldn't Jae just love them the way he wanted to? Why was it so hard to love someone in that way?

Wooyoung deserved the love they were in the relationship for. Fondness for a friend wasn't why they were dating. He deserved better. Jae told Wooyoung this after being sure he didn't love Wooyoung like that. He told him that even if he didn't love him like a lover, he valued and loved him as a friend.

Wooyoung looked disappointed; he actually really did like Jaehyung, but he knew there was nothing he could do if Jaehyung didn't love him back romantically. They met as lovers and parted as friends, despite any lingering feelings one may have had for the other. With time, they'll calm like a settled wave due to being unrequited and with time, they'll be friends who joke about the time long ago when they were together.

𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐒𝐢𝐱𝐭𝐡 (& 𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭) 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐊𝐢𝐦 𝐉𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐝𝐚𝐞
(𝟏 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝟓 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬, 𝟐𝟏-𝟐𝟑 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝)

There's a question that goes like this: love or career? Jaehyung found many people said career, the thought of success so alluring and seemingly never-ending. You'll find love again, they said.

Jaehyung didn't get it.

Love—real, true, good pure love—wasn't so easy to leave behind. Those who say love can be found again are people who have lived with love so present in their daily lives they don't even think twice about it. They don't have to worry about if people love them back. They think they can live without it because they've only ever lived with it. They think love is expendable. But when you've lived life wondering if you are worthy of being loved, you want nothing more than the assurance that your love is reciprocated in full.

That's why Jaehyung would always choose love and he didn't care if others thought of him as naïve. They could choose their career if they wanted and Jae would respect that, he just wouldn't do the same when faced with the same question.

Jaehyung knew that the career he pursued was one where the public eye watched every step he took, every word he said, every action he took. But he loved it. He loved making music and dancing and singing. However, he knew being an idol wasn't a long-term career. He wanted to enjoy it for as long as he could, but then he met Jongdae and he figured maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be out of the gaze of the others one day.

Jaehyung always longed for a family he could call his own, made out of pure love and respect, though it was a dream he dropped a long time ago. Dae made him remember that kind of love he craved for. He made him remember how it felt to be loved.

Jongdae helped Jaehyung realize he didn't need to yell to be heard. Jae was still loud, of course, that's just who he was, but he didn't starve for affection or attention like he once did. He knew that even if he whispered, Dae would be there to listen and love him. And that realization made Jaehyung so warm inside. The thought of the boy with the big gummy smile made Jaehyung happy without even realizing it. When he was with him, Jaehyung just felt so happy. It felt almost criminal to be as happy as Dae made him.

To the present day, Jaehyung was embarrassed and ashamed over how he acted when they first got together. Sometimes he questioned why Dae had liked him back when he was just so desperate. Jae flushed at the way he behaved but he also knew it was just his mind that made him so anxious and sad the first few months they were together. Jaehyung was so happy but he didn't feel he deserved to be. To have the friends he had, to finally debut, to have Jongdae next to him. Jaehyung didn't deserve this.

Right?

Who was Jaehyung to feel happy over debuting when he was untalented and unskilled like his parents told him? Who was Jaehyung to feel happy over having good friends when he was obnoxious and loud? Who was Jaehyung to feel happy over being in love when he wasn't worthy of it? All Jaehyung wanted was happiness but he never factored in the fact that he had to allow himself to receive love and happiness. This is why Jaehyung struggled when they first dated and Jaehyung was sorry to Jongdae for it and even more grateful for sticking with him throughout it all. The moment when Jaehyung's cheek-aching grin slipped off his face when his tears welled up in his eyes when his thoughts got too much to handle, Jongdae was there. All Jaehyung had to do was bury his face in Jongdae's chest and rest in his embrace and everything felt just a bit alright, even if it wasn't.

It was because of Dae that Jaehyung remembered how to be loved. Jongdae made Jaehyung feel the kind of love that filled you up from the tip of your toes to the top of your head with warmth. Jae felt loved and he loved Dae the same way.

He loved his long eyelashes and the way his cats took to him so naturally. He loved his warm hugs and his cold hands and how his long fingers interlaced with Jae's weirdly-shaped (as Dae pointed out often) ones. He loved his high cheekbones, the perfect canvas to litter with adoring pecks of colorful adoration any minute of the day, He loved his big toothy-gummy grin and the way he had to look up and tip-toe to kiss Dae's thin lips. He loved the food he made and the music he produced. He loved he only showed his affectionate and cute side to him; it made Jae feel like he knew something else nobody did about Kim Jongdae. He loved his British accent and the serious, blunt way of speaking he had. From head to toe, Jeong Jaehyung loved Kim Jongdae.

Meeting Jongdae wasn't life-changing or anything to Jaehyung; he didn't change who he was because of Dae. He just became more comfortable in his own skin as he already was as Jeong Jaehyung. Meeting Jongdae cooled the surface of Jae's sun, from burning hot to tender warm, and Jaehyung was more content because of it.

Right now, at this moment, Jeong Jaehyung loves Kim Jongdae. Jaehyung doesn't focus on what he saw as the inevitable end like all his previous relationships in romance and family anymore, anticipating, preparing for Dae to leave, Jaehyung just wanted to focus on them of the moment, their happiness of now, without worry.

Just Jaehyung and Jongdae.