MESSY
013, fair ?

" IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!"

Drew shouts into the air of silence between us as he paces around the room, grabbing his things in clenched fists as I stand on the other side leant against the closed doors of the balcony and the only words I can bring myself to say are,

" I'm sorry."

And each time those three syllables exit my mouth he looks up at me, my heart aching at the look that his squinted eyes give me. Longing for the way he looked at me no longer than an hour ago, before I took him out of the bathroom and up here.

Before I told him that I couldn't be in this relationship anymore. Before I said that I couldn't be in love with someone when I liked someone else.

He throws it all in his bag, I can only stand by the door and toy with my necklace. The necklace Callum gave to me — fuck. I move my hand to my stomach that feels like it's churning.

" I always knew it." he tells me, looking up to me with glistening eyes that he's using to hide his pain behind anger I'm pretended isn't there.

" I always knew there was something going on there- with you two, and I let you trick me into thinking there wasn't." he points a finger at me and I feel my body lift off of the closed doors, hesitating to step closer to him. He wouldn't hurt me, I knew that so much that the thought of questioning my own safety had never ever crossed my mind in Drew's company. It was more because I was afraid of how I was hurting him, just by being in the same room as him.

I shake my head " I didn't know anything was there before, that's not fair." I say as he looks up at me.

" fair? you want to talk about what's fair right now?" his voice booms slightly louder than I'm use to. My throat runs dry as I nod my head.

" fuck you olympia! " he tells me, " what's not fair is that I've spent the last year of my life wasting a future with someone who saw me as a goddamn placeholder."

He was never a placeholder — each touch, every smile, each time butterflies took sanctuary in my stomach, every 'I love you' it was never fake. It was never a pastime.

It was real, it was all raw and full of emotion. Even now, my heart is ripping itself apart just doing this. My eyes tear up, which he notices when he looks up to me. The anger in his eyes diminishes slightly as I shake my head. 

" no! don't do that." I raise my voice at him, deciding to defend myself " I do not see you as a placeholder, I loved you!" I call out and watch as his face goes softer yet still remains sad.

My hands cup my face " I do, I do love you Drew." I tell him. And he pushes the lids of his eyes shut and I can tell he wants to tell me to let go of him, yet he doesn't actually want me to so he doesn't.

" but you love him more." he rolls his eyes and I shake my head.

"But  it is not fair for me to feel this way when I'm with you, it's not fair for us, what we've built together." I tell him, correct whatever assumptions he has of me even if they don't last after he leaves this room.

" so you're just going to leave it all to be with someone who you're not even sure wants you back?" he scoffs as I shake my head.

" I'm leaving it all, because it's not fair for you." I tell him " it wouldn't matter if Callum was with anyone, I've never used you as a place holder and I won't start now.

He looks at me, for a few seconds I see a glimpse of civility — although it is quite clearly only a few seconds as he snorts a laugh and he zips up his bag. Shaking his head as he slings it over his shoulder and turns away from me.

" I hope you make each other very happy." he snorts, not surprised that his words don't let off as being sincere in the slightest.

He turns again, facing me for what I fear is the final time. Ever maybe, all our best moments in the last twelve months haunted by the last half hour.

" next time listen to me when I tell you that you're best friend is in love with you." He hums, and my heart hurts " could save yourself a year of your life."

And then the door opens and soon after it shuts.
And he's gone, for good.

I DON'T LEAVE THE BEDROOM. Sat on the bed — the tears come in waves, it doesn't feel real.

Similar to way that figuring out I liked Callum didn't feel real, it's like a trick. Until it's there long enough that you have to believe it. When the scent of Drew's aftershave only lingers in the air and clings to the things he touched but won't touch again, me included.

I texted him, asking him to let me know he got to the airport ok. Another one that I was sorry and when I attempted to send another and it was immediately undelivered I knew that there were no bridges being built on the horizon.

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, most likely smudging my makeup but I haven't looked in a mirror since Drew left. I feel sick, that I didn't love him. At least the way I do for someone else and the way he does for me.

I haven't told anyone either, although I figure everyone downstairs knows — heard the angry voices, slamming of door and footsteps, the taxi that sped off an hour ago. And if they lingered outside my door long enough, my quiet sobs as I curse myself out.

Night falls soon, I wake up in a puddle of my tears that saturate the sheets of the bed I sleep on top of. My eyes hurt but not equally as much as my heart. I check my phone, numerous texts from people as I guess the word has spread of our breakup.

People are upset with me, some are angry, most are confused. And I am all of the above.

I wipe my makeup off with little effort as I leave my bedroom late, when I know everyone else is either getting ready to go to bed or has actually fallen asleep.

Standing on the patio with a box of honey nut cheerios held to my stomach and the other slowly shovelling them into my mouth.

My head hurts, my heart hurts. I want to talk to him, wrap myself in my safety blanket just one more time and hope it all goes away. I'll go back to New York with him, or Carolina and we'll pretend it never happened.

We'll go back to our little apartment, Sunday markets, being the only two people in the world that matter. But we can't, because in the back of my mind, no matter how tightly I use drew to smother myself. Callum exists, and he always will. And at least a bit of me will always yearn for him, and that's not fair.

" you alright?" The voice of both the only person I want to see who is also the person I least want to see speaks in the silence of the night.

I brace myself, turning around and he stands in the doorway that I didn't close. He's in a pair of sweatpants and a baggy shirt I suppose he was one of those who isn't yet asleep.

I exhale " honest answer or the answer that will satisfy you?" I ask, and he nods his head.

" the truth olls." he says and I feel as if I melt under the return of my nickname.

I shake my head, exhaling " I feel like a shit human being who just broke up with her boyfriend." I tell him.

Even in the dark I can see the contortion of confusion on his face " you two broke up?"

I nod once, and I feel him coming towards me. And I feel the tears brewing in my eyes as I turn away. Not long feeling the tips of his fingers on my jawline,

" olls-" he says in that soft voice of his at the same time that I sniffle, shaking my head softly.

sniffling " I'm fine, i mean I was the one who ended it so."

I look up at him, lifting my head to do so. And the worry that paints his face makes my heart hurt even more.

" what, what happened?" he said and I stare at him with my upmost affection that the darkness of the night hides from him.

You.
I broke up with him because I think I love you.

But those words don't leave my mouth, instead I exhale and force myself to lie " it wasn't working, it hadn't been for a while."

Because of you.

He hums, " but I thought you guys were doing well in New York?" he asks and I nod.

" we were." I tell him " but that's all we had,"

" all we had was New York."

I bite my lip to suppress the tears. hearing a soft ' come here' in his voice before his arms move around me. And I hold onto him, inhale the scent of him that I've missed as the heartbeat of him softly echos in the ear that presses to his chest.

" never liked him that much." Callum says,
In an attempt so cheer me up as much as he can as I chuckle in a low sadness.

I pull away, and Callum smiles softly at me — moving the pad of his thumb to collect stray tears.

" you know, he never liked you that much either Cal." I hum and he nods his head.

Only because you took me from him, without even realising it.

AUTHORS NOTE.

poor Drew...
But in other news OLLY & CALLUM!!!