c h a p t e r   t w o

"I swear that I wasn't looking for much
But that's just when you happened
That's right when you happened
Got so damn close to packing it up
But that's just when you happened"

packing it up. gracie abrams.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

The Useless Hotline uploaded a video!

max, george, lindsey

"Hello, my name's Max Balegde."

"I'm George Clarke, and welcome to The Useless Hotline. Tiktok wasn't working out for us, so we decided to set up our own little business."

"The Useless Hotline is a place where we help you with your queries, no matter how weird, disgusting, or embarrassing they are."

"But it won't always just be us. This week we are joined by a very special guest. Now, I've never met her. Have you?"

"A couple times, briefly. Guys, we were supposed to have one of my dear friends, Alice Murphy, but she couldn't make it. So, she sent in her roommate and best friend Lindsey Harris! Secretary, bring her in!"

Lindsey entered the room, and Max and George began clapping. She waved at the camera and smiled as she sat down in the empty chair. Her palms were sweaty, and she wiped her hands on her pants under the table. 

"Hey! Welcome, welcome."

"Hi, thank you for having me."

"Thank you for coming on such short notice. Alice texted me literally this morning and told me she couldn't come and that she'd find a replacement."

"Well, I was told there would be drinks, so..." 

"Ah, immediately looking for alcohol. I like you."

"I'm Australian, darling."

"Right there in that cabinet behind you." 

She leaned back to have a look in the cabinet. She was nervous, so she hoped that the drinks would ease her nerves. Max was friends with Alice, and Lindsey had watched some of their episodes before arriving. So, she knew they were nice.   

"Thank you. Ooh, you've got quite the selection."

"Yeah, the entirety of UK YouTube seems to be alcoholics." 

"I've learned that quickly, hanging out with Chip and all." 

"How has your transition to London been?"

"Well, it's a lot different from Sydney. Sydney's more laid back, beautiful beaches. I think it's one of the prettiest cities in the world."

"And London's depressing as fuck."

"Right. No! I like how busy it is here. Keeps me on my toes." 

✤

"What's your favorite quote?"

"Ooh, I actually have one. 'Find what you love, and let it kill you.'"

"I like that."

"Yeah, I love it because I'm just really set on dying doing something I love or something awesome. Like, I'd be perfectly happy going out in a parasailing accident."

"So, I've seen about a gazillion posts from you, and I've noticed you travel a lot. You're always off doing something crazy like that."

"Where's the last place you've been?"

"You just got back from somewhere, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I got home from Spain yesterday."

"How was that?"

"Amazing. I really like living in Europe because there's so many places not that far away from you. In Australia, it was a long away to the rest of the world, if that makes sense."

"But even when you still lived there, you were swimming with sharks or jumping off cliffs or something."

"You swam with sharks?"

"Yeah, I've been snorkeling and diving in the Great Barrier Reef a few times. It's such an amazing experience. Definitely something I'm gonna miss. Not many swimming-with-sharks opportunities here."

"So, would you consider yourself a... thrill seeker?"

Lindsey laughed loudly as he made a face at the camera, and Max and everyone else in the room just put their head in their hands. George seemed pleased that someone thought he was funny, and he grinned at the girl.

"You could say that. I love doing things like that. I'm an adrenaline junkie, as they say."

"Have you skydived? Skydove? Skydived?"

"Ladies, and gentleman, on this week's episode of 'Max Struggling to Speak English.'"

"I have, yeah, I think five times?"

"Fuck, that's cool."

"Jesus Christ. It gives me a heart attack just thinking about it. I don't think I could ever do that. George?"

"I think I would say I could and then get up there and shit my pants."

"It's not as bad as it looks."

"Oh, fuck off."

At George's outburst, Lindsey laughed for what felt like the hundredth time in twenty minutes. 

"What's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

"That's a hard one. The time I was the most scared would probably be cage of death just because I've seen a crocodile do some fucked up things. That sounds like they're pedophiles. No, um..." She was rambling, and George found it hilarious.

"What's cage of death?"

"It's like cage diving with sharks, but it's a crocodile."

 "That sounds better than snorkeling with sharks."

"It doesn't sound that awful, but it was one of the first times I'd done something like that. I was about fifteen, I think, so I was just scared out of my mind. The most 'dangerous' thing I've done is probably wing walking."

"That's when you walk on the airplane wings."

"Yeah, but I was hooked up to a harness the entire time. So, nothing could've gone insanely wrong."

"That's wild."

✤

"Okay, but I feel like I could take a half-sized gorilla."

"This is the stupidest conversation I've ever had."

"Do you know how big a gorilla is?"

"Yeah, but this one's half-sized."

"Yeah, but that's half of giant."

"You're being really mean to the gorillas of the world."

"How is that mean? I'm saying they're big and strong and could 100% beat you in a fight, even if they were a quarter of the size they usually are."

"Ladies and gentleman, I present the effects of alcohol."

✤

"What's the worst date you've ever been on?"

"One time, I ran into this guy at a bar, and he was so nice. And he asked me out. The guy took me to a McDonald's, ate five hamburgers one after another, looked on his phone, asked me if I was horny, and when I said no, he got up and left me there." 

"No ride home?"

"No ride home. I had to take the tube back." 

"That's awful. Have you ever been in love?"

"Woah."

"That was such a deep question after she shared her McDonald's experience. 'Yeah, that was a crappy experience in your love life. So, what was your biggest heartbreak?'"

George laughed as she rubbed her face with her hands and smiled, and Max just awaited an answer. 

"Um, I don't think I have. I feel like it's something that you know. But I don't really mind it because I have the best friends in the world, and I feel like no one can make me feel the way way I do when I'm climbing up a mountain ziplining across a canyon." 

"That's quite sad."

"That's so mean."

"He does this to me all the time. He's always like, 'Oh, look at George. You don't know what love feels like. That's so sad.'"

"No, no, no. I don't mean it like that." 

"You've never been in love, George?"

"He's never had a girlfriend."

"So, that just wasn't the question that she asked."

"That's so shocking."

"I think that's a compliment."

"It is. You're not an unfortunate-looking man."

"You're making me blush, Harris."

Lindsey rolled her eyes. "And you're really funny, and you've got a really cute laugh." 

"He does have a cute laugh, doesn't he? He's just awful around women."

"How did this conversation get to be about me? Can we move on, please?"

George just laughed and shook his head, and at the sound, Lindsey couldn't help but start snickering as well. 

"So, anyone see any great movies lately?"

lindseygrace posted a story!

theuselesshotlinepod has posted!

​​•◦

liked by lindseygrace, alicemurphy, and 12,438 others
theuselesshotline unexpected guest lindsey harris lost her podcast virginity this week discussing her travels, worst dates, and transition from australia!
tagged lindseygrace

-

view all comments

lindseygrace thanks so much for having me! 
liked by author

user i've never seen george laugh so hard

maxbalegde everyone say thank you, lindsey!!!
↳ user thank you lindsey!
↳ user we love you lindsey

user nice to see george talk to a woman without looking completely uncomfortable
↳georgeclarkeey now that's just unnecessary 

user she's so pretty

georgeclarkeey she was a lot funnier than alice 
↳alicemurphy fuck off? 
↳lindseygrace i've been telling people that for years

user it's a great day when the useless hotline releases

user she was so funny! and her chemistry with george 😏

user george has said that he likes an australian accent

georgeclarkeey followed lindseygrace
lindseygrace followed georgeclarkeey

AUTHOR'S NOTE!

happy birthday george!!! 

ayyyy they met! we're going to pretend that she was absolutely hilarious, and neither she nor george could stop laughing the entire time. as always, lmk if anything sounds weird. i'll see you next time loves!!!