𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 22
3𝐫𝐝 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐩𝐨𝐯

trigger warnings
descriptions of panic attacks

           — A SMALL LIGHT CAME ON as Sam pointed his phone's flashlight at them, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes wide, "What the fuck happened?" He had asked and then everything seemed to slip away. Time, light, reality. Everything.

Before Jasper knew it, he and Colby were alone in the dark room, Sam had gone— disappeared? No, he'd gone to do something. He just couldn't remember what.

He swallowed thickly as he tried to calm his beating heart, but it was no use and Colby had let go of his hand or maybe Jasper had pushed himself away? He wasn't sure but there was eyes on him and nothing was grounding him anymore and—

A voice was calling out to him, he couldn't recognize it, it was just more noise in his mind and he couldn't focus on any of it. Why couldn't he focus? Why was his heart beating so fast? He felt his sweaty palms rub against the wood floor and wondered when he'd fallen to the floor, a hand was stretching towards him, he couldn't move his eyes to see who it was so instead he flinched backwards and pushed until he was up against the wall, alone — safe.

But there was still a voice calling out to him, and he just wanted to be left alone while simultaneously craving the presence of someone other than himself. He couldn't make out the words, he felt like his head was deep underwater and everything else just seemed blurry and distant. Slowly the noises he heard began to form into words.

"-ey. Hey." A voice called he still didn't recognize it, "Jasper." It called again, so they were speaking to him? "Breathe for me. Can you do that?" He thinks he shook his head, but couldn't be sure everything felt heavy. "Okay, okay, can I grab your hand?" He shrugged hopelessly, and the person hesitated a moment before reaching for his hand, Jasper fought the urge to jerk away but couldn't help the wince as the person made contact.

They pulled his hand to press up against something, some sort of fabric like a shirt, he could feel the steady thrum of the heartbeat beneath the fabric and skin. "Feel my heartbeat? Yeah, good. I'm gonna breathe in, one, two, three," the person demonstrated and then asked Jasper to do the same, praising him when he managed a fast deep breath.

They continued this process until finally, Jasper felt his mind start to clear, he could make out the familiar shirt his hand was pressed to and recognized it as Colby's. Colby was the one, patient and kind, easing him through the first panic attack Jasper had since he was outed to the world.

Without even realizing, Jasper moved forward into Colby's lap, the man quickly wrapped his hands around his waist and held him close rather than pushing him away. "I'm sorry." Jasper whispered, "I don't know why I freaked out so much."

He wanted to hide, curl into his own skin and let no one see him, but Colby sees him, and he could never really hide from Colby, and now he found, he didn't want to. He wanted to let himself be close to him even in his darkest hours.

Colby only shook his head, not pulling him closer or even holding him in return, Jasper should've been hurt by it, he thought, but found he appreciated the freedom, the space granted without even asking, "It's okay. You're okay."

Jasper went silent, though his mind spun from the mixture of feelings, finally he managed to speak, "How— how did you know how to do that?"

"Honestly? I didn't." Colby admitted sheepishly, his voice steady, grounding Jasper even further, "Sam's calmed me down from a few panic attacks that way so... I just did what I remember him doing." He shrugged like he wasn't bearing his heart now, "How often do you get those?"

"It used to be more often." Jasper admitted, when he was younger, he had them nearly every week, sometimes more, especially after his dad... well. And then again, they got worse when he dated Ethan, which should've been the first red flag because Ethan never comforted him through panic attacks like Colby had, he'd only ever caused them. "I'm... erm, usually alone when they happen." Jasper didn't understand why Colby finally pulled him closer at that, or why he didn't pull away.

Finally, or perhaps too soon, Colby pulled away slightly and cleared his throat before speaking, "Do you know what caused it this time?"

His mind went to the figure watching him in the hallway, the raspy voice whispering in his ears. He shook his head, "I guess just wasn't expecting the lights to go off, the darkness, it— it was too much I guess." He shrugged and knew his voice was too uncertain, however Colby didn't call him out on it.

Jasper pressed his lips into a firm line but Colby began to massage circles into his back where his hands rested and Jasper's eyes softened without so much as a thought because he knew in his heart he was safe here and— and he never wanted to leave.

Jasper sunk into Colby's arms, and his eyes wandered to the brunettes lips, he thought for a moment he shouldn't - this wasn't the time or place, but he was leaning in and Colby's gaze flickered between his lips and eyes, a silent question crashing in his blue eyes, but Jasper didn't wait long enough to answer, their lips crashed into each others, soft and so sweet Jasper felt himself melting into it, passionate and desperate to feel each other.

He didn't know how long their lips were pressed together — too long, too short, he couldn't figure it out. When he pulled away, Colby met his gaze with affection and worry, mixed with... guilt. "Jasper, I—"

"Don't." Jasper said, already pushing himself away. "Don't say you regret that, even if you do, don't say you hated—" me Jasper didn't say, "it even if you did. Don't say you have to leave, just... if you want to leave, then go."

"What?" Colby asked his brows furrowed and his voice knit with pain, "No, Jasper, no, I—"

"It's fine, I should've known." Jasper responded, and standing up he found he was more scared of losing Colby than the darkness that lurked in the shadows of the house, so with this in mind he left first. Bumping into Sam on the way he managed a choked 'I'll be in my room' when he met his questioning gaze before nearly running up the flight of old creaky stairs.

He recognized too late that all the lights that had went out earlier were now back on, yet he still felt encompassed by the dark as he closed the bedroom door and let himself drown in his own thoughts and the darkness creeping up on him only stared as he fell apart.

✧˖*°࿐

        "FUCK." Colby cried out a mixture of frustration and guilt, he groaned and rubbed his palms over his face.

"Colby." A voice called, he spun around and met his best friend's worried gaze, "What happened?" He asked and Colby could only shrug before letting out a weak, humorless laugh.

"I fucked up, again." He replied like it was obvious and then sighed, glancing away, "Like I always do with him."

Sam's brows knitted in confusion, his face the epitome of "what the fuck" but also "I've missed something here." Colby groaned and sat down on the couch, slumping into it as he wished he could disappear in it. Sam sat down beside him after a moment and another moment paused.

Sam and Colby were often encompassed in silence together, however it was always comfortable and left them both at peace, this silence was different than ever before between the pair of best friends. It was tense and filled with uncertainty.

Finally, Sam spoke, "What's been going on with you guys?" Colby shook and his head and his best friend spoke before he could even open his mouth, "And don't say I won't understand. Colby, please just... tell me something."

Colby's gaze swept to his best friend and then to the floor, "You know he's not just from the same town, he went to our school too." He told him, Sam nodded with a look of confusion, he continued, "I met Jasper back in high school. We were paired for a project and became friends and then... more."

"You never told me." Colby blinked away the tears that came from hearing the pain in his best friend's voice.

"I was going to." He admitted quietly, "I was gonna tell the whole town, whole world, about us. I went to his house with some cliche sign and flowers to ask him to be my— my boyfriend. But he moved without saying anything. After that I just wanted to... forget, I guess but," he chuckled humorously, shaking his head, "I never could forget those eyes."

Sam nodded gently, keeping his face neutral as he tried to process everything. He breathed and gently pushed forward, "Okay. Okay, so what happened now?"

"We kissed but he's so stressed and I want to do this right this time Sam, I loved him and he deserves everything because I..." he lifted his head, meeting his friend's gaze as he admitted, "I'm still in love with him. And I think I always will be."

"But?" Sam asked knowingly.

"I'm terrified of losing him again." To his ex, to his own fear. Colby could think of a million things yet somehow his mind wandered back to one that stood out, because above all else this house terrified him most, he didn't want to lose Jasper to the shadows that lurked in all its corners.

His gaze wandered to the shadows of the room as if he could make a face out in them, he saw nothing. Until his eyes fell on the hallway behind Sam, where familiar blue eyes met his, glowing unnaturally in the dark as the light above the figure flickered.

Colby almost called out for Jasper, almost, but just as soon he saw the figure it was gone.

He realized too late that although the eyes were the same and every other feature was too, that was not Jasper he'd seen in the hallway.

✧˖*°࿐
𝟏,𝟕𝟑𝟎 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬