Life goes on without Lillian. For the first few days, I didn't think it would. I was happy throughout the day, but during the night, I always fell asleep crying into my pillow.

But I'm better now. I only tear up when I see something that very much reminds me of Lillian. (Which is not great, because my locker is kind of covered in pictures of her.)

Tiegan, of course, was fine merely minutes after Lillian left. I clearly remember what she said to us to break the miserable silence: "Want to go get some ice cream or something?"

I thought Ava would be the same, but she's been sort of depressed ever since Lillian left. Who knew that she loved the girl so much? Every snipe, jab, and hurtful comment she ever made to Lillian was probably filled with love. (Well, not really. But maybe she didn't mean them as much as we thought.)

We still call her. Three times a week, on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. But it isn't the same. And it won't ever be the same.

It's not only our friendship that will never be the same. WE won't ever be the same. Losing someone so important in your life can do things to a person. You can become angry more easily, like Tiegan. You can become more depressed, like Ava. Or you can be scared, like me.

Because I'm scared, alright. Scared of ever letting anyone get that close to me again. Because they're all going to break your heart eventually.

When I told Tiegan this, she slapped me in the face, hard.

"Don't ever talk like that again!" She ordered. "You should never be scared of getting close to other people. If you act so guarded all the time, you may not ever get your heart broken, but you'll never be happy either."

I opened my mouth to interrupt, but it seemed like she had more to say.

"Yes, Lillian leaving is one of the saddest things you've had to experience in your life so far. For me too. But there were good times before the bad ones. Would you rather have never known her in the first place?"

I nodded my head no.

"Exactly." Tiegan sighed. "Got it?"

"Got it." I whispered back.

"Good." She huffed. "Because you're starting to make me sound like I'm starring in a soap opera."

It's times like those that make me hate and love Tiegan at the same time.

When I wake up this morning, I'm sad for many reasons.

First of all, today's the one month anniversary for Lillian's departure. Is that the correct way to describe it? It sounds too cheerful.

Second of all, I have a giant pimple on my forehead.
And third of all, today's the last day of school.

Many people celebrate the last day of school as if it's their birthday, Halloween, and New Year's all mixed into one marvelous day. I'm not like that.

The thing is, I'm a nerd. Phrase it however you'd like, but that's what I am, and I'm okay with that. People make it sound as if being a nerd is a bad thing, when really, I think it's just a crueler way of calling someone a genius.

Anyways, today is not a happy day. Tiegan's texts aren't making me feel any better either.

Tiegan: Happy last day of school!!!

Me: Wrong. This is a very, very sad day.

Me:😔

Tiegan:...

Tiegan: Seriously?

Nicole: Serious as a heart attack.

Tiegan: What's there to be sad about?

Tiegan: 😃

Nicole: This will be our last time having Mr. Ester as our teacher.

Tiegan: Three cheers to that! He's a goof.

Nicole: Some kids are moving away.

Tiegan: None that I care about.

Nicole: Not even Gemma? She's nice.

Tiegan: Sure. But I don't look for kindness in a friend.

Nicole: Offense taken.

Tiegan: Offense intended.

Nicole: We won't be able to see each other as much without school.

Tiegan: Says who?

Tiegan: Worst comes to worst, I'll break into your house and sneak you out.

Nicole: Fine. You've turned all my reasons into positive things.

Nicole: Happy?

Tiegan: Very.

See what I'm talking about? Not helpful at all. Perhaps a little amusing, but certainly not helpful.

And when I text Ava, she says I'm always so whiny. I guess it's a good thing that she's returning to her old self.

I get dropped off at school and I pound up the stairs to my classroom. (After getting a late pass. Seriously, I don't know how I manage to be late at least three days a week this year.)

When I enter the room, I see that my classmates are in various stages of celebration. Some are talking and laughing as loud as possible. Some are play wrestling each other on the ground. Others are huddled in group hugs.

Mr. Ester is there too, but it seems as if he's already given up on controlling us and is enjoying his summer vacation a little early.

When Gemma sees me, she pulls me to her table which is full of her friends, which is almost everyone in the class.

"We're going to throw an after school party!" Gemma's eyes gleam with excitement. "Can you all help me?"

"Sure." I shrug. It's not like my schedule today is very full anyway.

When the plans are finished being discussed, Tiegan, Ava and I pull away from the group.

"A party?" Ava groans. "And we have to help with it? Worst day ever."

"What's so bad about a party?" Tiegan laughs.

"Everything." Ava replies stubbornly. "The cheeriness, the noise, the obnoxious decorations. It's all so blah."

"Didn't you throw a birthday party?" I point out.

"That's different." She explains. "See, my parties are mature, with good colour schemes, and we keep the noise level down."

"You?" Tiegan chokes out between her peals of laughter. "You think you keep your noise level down? You're the loudest person I know!"

"Come on, that is not true at all!" Ava insists. Very loudly.

The rest of the class turns to look at us while Tiegan and I burst into another fit of laughter.

***

I would never, ever admit it, but parties scare me a little.

I'm not a grouch like Ava, avoiding parties like the plague, but they're definitely not my favourite thing.

It's just that there are so many different things that can happen at a party. Terrifying, humiliating things.

Especially when girls like Shay or Isabelle are involved.

Yeah, I found that out afterwards. Talia's whole class was invited to this party too. Which means that Talia herself was invited. Which means I might have to talk to her. Which means I'll have to shrink under her intense glare. Which means...

Gah. I'm spiraling.

At the moment, I'm on streamer duty. Ava's doing that with me, but she's not much help.

"Look at these colours." She scoffs, holding up a neon yellow streamer. "I told you all the decorations at parties are obnoxious."

Meanwhile, I'm teetering and tottering at the top of an unstable ladder. Ava's supposed to be holding the ladder for me, but of course she's too cool to do that.

Suddenly, the ladder collapses under me, but I just manage to grab a streamer on my way down.

"Ava!" I cry out in alarm. Gemma's house has a really high ceiling. If I fall from this height, there would be a big mess to clean up.

She doesn't hear me.

"Ava!" I scream louder. This time she looks up, but it's too late. My grip is starting to loosen.

Just then, I feel something sturdy under my feet once again. I look down and see that Talia has set the ladder upright again.

She and Ava appear to be in a heated discussion once I make it back down to the floor.

"She could have died!" Talia yells. "She was screaming for your help! Are you deaf?"

"No." Ava sniffs, flipping her curly hair over her shoulder.

"At least the streamer is hung up, right?" I joke.

They turn to me and give identical, scathing looks.

"Whatever." Talia mutters. "I don't even know why I agreed to come to this stupid party in the first place."

And then she storms off.

"We would ALL be much happier if you never came!" Ava calls at her retreating back.

"Well, that's a bit harsh." I remark. "She did kind of just save my life."

"It's your own fault you're such a klutz." She tosses back.

Oh, the joy of friendship,

At about 7:00, people start trickling in. By 7:30, the party is in full swing.

It's one of the better parties I've been to in my life, because Gemma's parents are in their room and are just letting us do whatever we want.

And the refreshments aren't bad either. They even have my favourite drink: Ginger ale.

I'm surprisingly social as well. It's not like I'm an antisocial loner or anything, I just would rather not walk up randomly to people and start chatting.

I count on my fingers how many people I'm able to talk to in the course of an hour. Eight people, NOT including Tiegan or Ava.

First, I talk to Gemma and her best friend, Saloma, about how great the party is. Then I manage to get a greeting from Jocelyn. I even gather the nerve to approach Shay, Isabelle, Finn and Arit and talk to them about the maturity of Easton, the class clown, who is busy gurgling root beer as loudly as possible. And the last conservation I have is the most exciting one.

"Isn't this ginger ale awesome?" Brennon hiccups beside me.

"Definitely." I agree, before realizing who I'm talking to.

"You know, I don't think we've talked since grade four." He remarks.

"Not from lack of trying." I say, accidentally talking out loud instead of in my head. Darn your big mouth, Nicole!

"Oh." A red blush creeps up his face. "You tried talking to me?"

"Well, only a few times." I babble. "Most of it was work related anyways, so ya know, doesn't really matter-"

"Are you okay?" He asks, his look of embarrassment morphing into one of concern. "You're breathing really heavily..."

I try to form words to tell him I'm fine, but no sound comes out. Instead, I give him a thumbs up and hurry away.

Once I fill in Ava and Tiegan of recent events, Tiegan comforts me.

"Trust me." She snorts. "Every pre-teen and teen is awkward around people they like. That's just how it works. Ava here, for example, gets embarrassed around Owen, but I've noticed that she gets REALLY awkward around Isabelle."

Ava blushes even worse than Brennon had.

"You like girls?" I ask. Purely curious, of course.

"Well-" She hesitates. "I'm not really sure yet, but I think I might be..bisexual."

"Ok." I smile. "Cool."

"Thanks." Ava grins back. "But can we not talk about this anymore?"

"Of course." I give Ava a friendly squish of the arm and she nearly bites my head off.

Meanwhile, I overhear Arit, Finn, Isabelle, Shay and some other kids in the middle of an intense game of Truth or Dare, which seems to be a game gaining popularity once again.

"Truth or Dare?" I hear Saloma ask Finn.

"Dare, duh." Finn scoffs. "I'm no girl."

Sooo charming, right? I wonder how Isabelle ended up with a guy like him. Well, maybe she deserves it. She's not the nicest person ever. One time, when we were doing this big project together, I suggested that we come over to her house to plan it out more. I may as well have suggested that she throw herself off the roof of the school based on her reaction. I'm surprised so many people have crushes on a girl like that.

"Ok." Saloma pauses for a moment as she thinks. "I dare you...to start a game of Spin the Bottle!"

I notice that she glances at Arit as she says that. Ooh, a love triangle. Tiegan's going to like that.

"Spin the Bottle?" Finn asks. "Yeah, sure."

Raising his voice, he yells out: "Everyone come to the basement for a game of Spin the Bottle!"

There's almost a stampede of kids rushing down the stairs when I look behind me. Ugh, disgusting. How desperate are these people to have their first kisses?

Tiegan melts into the shadows to avoid being forced into this game, but I'm not so lucky.

"Come on!" Ava grabs my hand and forcefully tugs me closer to the circle. "We both deserve this tonight."

"No, Ava." I frown. "I'm really not comfortable doing this. I mean, this is only my first girl-boy party, and we're already playing kissing games? I'm out."

"Too bad." She hisses. "I am not going to be the only one of my friends doing this thing."

"I don't want to." I repeat, but my voice is lost over Finn's loud, pesky voice.

Ava gives up on persuading me and just pulls instead. And she's not gentle about it either.

"Ouch!" I cry, yanking my hand away from her. "That hurt!"

"Join this thing or I'll do it again." She threatens.

"Fine." I gulp. "I-I'll do it."

So I sit down as Finn places a plastic bottle on the ground. He spins it, and it lands on Gemma. She giggles nervously before giving him a quick peck on the lips.

Saloma goes next, after much begging. She gives it a hard spin, and it twirls around for a while before landing on the person directly to my right.

Ava.

She sucks in a deep, shallow breath as she glances up at Saloma. Saloma doesn't look thrilled exactly, but...she doesn't look upset either? Hmmm.

Ava leans forward and Saloma does too. And then their lips are touching and they're kissing. I feel like I should look away, give her some privacy. But it's as if my head is locked in place because of how nervous I am.

Ava got lucky that she got someone who won't judge her. I'm still holding out hope that I might get Brennon, but at the same time, I DON'T want Brennon. I don't want anyone at all. Who wants their first kiss to be from an idiotic game?

Finally, I'm able to move my head, and I turn it to the side where I make eye contact with Talia. She doesn't look angry this time. She looks a mix of repulsion, fear, and pride. It's probably exactly what my expression looks like too.

She mouths a few words to me: "Oh my god! Do you see this?"

I nod my head vigorously and mouth back: "I know! This is crazy!"

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around. First, my gaze goes to the floor. It looks like Easton has just gone. I feel bad for the poor soul who has to lock lips with HIM. Ew.

And then my eyes travel further down the bottle and finally to the tip, which is pointing at...me.

Huh. This all seemed so real, but I'm glad it's just a nightmare. I pinch myself hard, which I've heard is supposed to wake you up from a dream.

Except I don't wake up.

"Ava," I whisper from the side of my mouth. "Slap me."

She draws back her hand and slaps me hard against the face. I'm still in the nightmare, but this time I'm left with a stinging bruise as well.

Maybe this isn't a nightmare. Maybe this is reality, and it really is Easton waiting for me to kiss him.

"Nope." I blurt out, scrambling to my feet. "Sorry, but not going to happen."

I burst up the stairs and a speed I didn't think I had inside me. I search for my shoes as the taunts follow me.

"Wuss!"

"What a weirdo."

"Don't worry, Easton. You could do better."

I'm blinded by tears, and I can't see anything until someone stuffs shoes into my arms. My shoes.

"Go." The person said. "Don't listen to them. They're just insecure. I wouldn't have done it either if I were you."

The person opens the door for me, and I hurry out. But just as I turn around, I spot a flash of fading highlights.

Only Talia could be so loyal.