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CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE,
filth

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༇ KAEDE stands near the foot of the bed, hands shoved deep into his pockets. He has been staring at the baby for the past several minutes, watching her tiny chest rise and fall. Every now and then, she shifts, making a little sound: half sigh, half squeak, that sends Kaede's heart racing.

"You want to hold her?" Mikasa asks weakly.

The baby was born yesterday, unplanned. Mikasa had been in agonizing pain for the past days, so Suzume and Kaoru decided to perform a C-section on her. But because her belly was technically not growing in the Borderlands, she was only thirty weeks.

"I—uh—no, I mean... yes, but..." Kaede stammers. "What if I drop her? Or she hates me instantly?"

"She won't hate you. Babies don't hate. They just need. And you won't drop her if you sit down." She nods toward the armchair beside the bed.

Hana nudges him gently. "Go on, Kaede. You'll be great. Look at you, you're already panicking like a responsible parent."

Her smile makes his ears burn. Kaede hesitates, but eventually he lowers himself into the chair. Mikasa places the bundle into his arms, guiding his hands to cradle the baby's head and body just right.

She is impossibly light. Her head fits neatly into the curve of his arm. Kaede stares, hardly daring to blink. He is afraid even the movement of his eyelids will disturb her.

Hana's eyes are practically shining. "You look like you were made for this."

Kaede's head jerks up. "Wh-what? Don't say things like that, I'm barely managing not to faint here."

Hana laughs quietly. "I mean it. You're so gentle with her. It makes me..." She pauses, her smile turning a little shy. "Never mind. "

Kaede turns his gaze back to the newborn. She stirs slightly. He rocks her. "Shhh... it's okay." His voice comes out softer than he's ever heard himself speak.

"You're a natural," Mikasa interjects.

Kaede's head snaps up so fast he nearly startles the baby. "Natural? Me? No, no, no— there's no way. I'm... look at me, I'm shaking! My hands are sweating so much she's probably sliding right out of my grip—" But the baby doesn't stir, except for the faintest yawn.

He can't explain why it matters so much. He barely knows this child or the mom.

"You're doing perfectly," Hana says with pride.

"You'll make a great father one day," Mikasa goes on.

"What?! Don't just say things like that out loud!" He glances at Hana, horrified. "She didn't mean... she's just tired, right? That doesn't mean anything—"

"I think she's right."

"No. No. No. Your dad is going to freak out. I'm going to freak out—"

"Dad isn't here to freak out," she says dryly.

"You just made it worse," he panics. "What if your father is dead? We can't talk badly about the dead! What if—"

"Kaede." Hana sighs. "Shut up. Please."

He presses his lips together.

For a while. Then he bursts out, "Okaykidsareamazing maybe I do want one but we're not telling your father until the baby is born and we're marrying first so he can't just kill me and we should also get a house first— maybe we should get out of the Borderlands first and then think about babies— I mean... baby—" He says, speaking faster than ever.

"Sounds good to me." Hana pats his shoulder calmly.

"...What?" He whispers.

There's a knock on the door before it creaks open. Suzume steps, glowing. Behind her is Kaoru, who looks rather stiff. He hovers just inside the doorway, eyes scanning the room quickly: Mikasa in her bed, Hana leaning against Kaede, Kaede holding the baby.

"Come in," Mikasa says.

Suzume slips her hand into Kaoru's and slowly steps forward.

"She's asleep," Kaede says, way too worried. "You have to be really quiet."

Kaoru grimaces.

"What's that face for?" Suzume teases.

"It's just... weird. Seeing him like that."

"Like what?"

"Like... like a... dad. But he's not. It's—" He stops, realizing how blunt he sounds. "Not bad. Just weird. I don't want to imagine Kaede as a dad."

Kaede ducks his head to hide his face against the baby's blanket. "Don't say it like that," he mutters.

Suzume tugs Kaoru even closer. She looks at Mikasa. They left her alone for the night and haven't seen her since. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she says. "Reo and Daishin have been helping me through it. Took care of her during the night." She motions at the baby.

"Did you think of a name yet?"

"Well, of course I had a few written down, but I never ultimately chose one. I think... maybe I don't want to name her in the Borderlands. I don't want to be reminder of it constantly. I'll do it when we're back home." Mikasa pauses. "Do you want to hold her?"

Suzume nods enthusiastically. She eyes Kaoru. "Do you want to?"

"I don't know if I should."

"You can take a look first. Might get you more comfortable."

Kaoru leans in to take a look. The baby's eyes are shut, cheeks round, hands curled around the blanket. He frowns uncomfortably when he realizes everyone is watching him. "Don't look at me like that," he mutters. "I don't hate her. She's just... new. And I'm not good with fragile things."

Suzume leans her head against his shoulder. "You're better than you think."

He takes one more long look at the baby before stepping back.

Then the door slams open so hard everyone startles. Mikasa sits upright, Kaoru's eyes pop wide open, and Kaede pulls the baby closer to his chest.

"WHERE'S THE BABY?!"

Sakiko charges into a room. She's wearing a bright purple hoodie two sizes too big with what appears to be snack wrappers sticking out of her pockets. Behind her, Shirabi wears sunglasses despite being indoors.

"Let me see the baby, let me see the baby, let me see the—"

Kaede turns sideways, shielding the baby. "No."

Sakiko dramatically clutches her chest. "No? Did you just no me? Kaede, we are best friends—"

"We're not best friends."

"—and you would deny me the joy of holding the baby?!"

"Absolutely."

Shirabi removes his sunglasses in slow motion. "Relax, Kaelyn," he says. "We just wanna hold her. Bounce her around a little. Maybe see how aerodynamic she is."

"She's a newborn—"

"Ooooh, imagine it," Sakiko interrupts. "We strap her into a tiny catapult. We launch her across the Borderlands directly into Hotoke's face. She'd be a legend before she could even crawl."

"You're not touching her. Neither of you."

Sakiko pouts, stamping her foot. "You're so boring! When I was a baby, I almost killed my mom."

"You're psychos!"

"Just one hold! One teeny tiny hold! Pleeeease! I'll be careful, I swear on my life."

"You are the last person I would ever hand her to," Hana snarls.

"Rude!"

"You both need to calm down. There's a baby here. Think for once in your lives," Suzume warns. "I'm excited, too, but Mikasa—"

"Babies need stimulation! Throw her in the air, shake her around, let her taste soda—"

The baby gives a small wail. Kaede begins bouncing her immediately.

"Oh, damn," Shirabi whispers. "Are you the father? Is this secretly Hana's baby? I've read about women not knowing they're pregnant until the—"

Kaede glares daggers at him.

Sakiko bounces over to Hana, tugging at her sleeve. "Come on, back me up. Don't you think Kaede hogging the baby is unfair? My parents might be dead, so you better give me anything I desire—"

"They're also my parents."

"But you're not a kid!"

"Still my parents."

"I need this to develop my... my personality."

"No, Sakiko. You can hold the baby when you've calmed down. How about you and Shirabi leave? Kindly. Calmly. Respectfully."

"It's so unfair." Sakiko pouts, yet she grabs Shirabi and pulls him towards the door. "When I have a baby, only Shirabi will be allowed to hold her!" Then they've disappeared.

Hana sighs and crouches back down next to Kaede, stroking the baby's hair. "They—"

Sakiko and Shirabi burst through the door again.

"Hey! We told you to—"

"They're back!" Sakiko screams. "They're back, they're back! Mom and Dad are back! They're alive! They're back! They're back!"

Hana bolts out the door before Sakiko can, almost directly jumping into her parents' arms. Chishiya manages to stop her just before she can.

"Careful," he says, slightly weaker than normally. "Don't touch."

"What happened?" Hana takes a cautious step back. Her eyes take the two adults in, but she doesn't notice anything extremely concerning apart from the fact they each have a hand that's fully wrapped in bandages.

Chishiya doesn't respond and focuses on bringing Baya to the couch instead, holding her tightly. Once they make it there, she pants as if she just ran a marathon. Chishiya sits down beside her. His hand absentmindedly touches his shoulder.

Three seconds later, half of the group has gathered in front of them, asking a million different questions at once.

"Okay, shut up. Let them speak." Hana holds up a hand. "Dad, explain."

"Yuzuki blinded me with rubbing alcohol, so I stabbed her in the heart, and—"

Several jaws drop. Gasps come from the group.

"Wow," Baya whispers. Her voice lacks the usual amount of energy, yet she sounds joyful enough. "You couldn't have worded that better?"

Chishiya sighs. "The game had us hurt each other. In the end, I missed and stabbed Yuzuki in the heart. We also both have stabs on our stomachs. A nail got driven through my hand. Shoulder dislocated. My eyes have recovered by now. Yuzuki's finger is broken and her shoulder got burned."

Shirabi gapes at Baya. "How the hell do you survive—"

"Kiyoshi helped," Chishiya cuts him off. "We stayed with him for a while. He saved the both of us. Without him, we'd be dead."

"Without him, Nozomi would be alive," he murmurs in response.

"Without you, Shoma would be alive," Chishiya tells him.

"Yeah, and all of us would have died."

"No, because if you weren't there, you'd have a group of ten, which is what the game wanted."

Baya clears her throat, loudly. Pain flickers across her face as she does so. "Stop arguing."

"Either way," Chishiya says, "everything is alright now. We survived. Yuzuki has to rest a lot and make sure she doesn't—"

"Ohmygosh, is the baby born?!" Baya yelps when the newborn's cries begin to echo through the hospital. "Oh my God! Oh my God! Shuntarō!" She stands up immediately, takes a few steps, then gets dragged back onto the couch by Chishiya.

"Is it a boy or girl? When was the baby born? What's their name? Who helped Mikasa give birth? Is it a cute baby?"

"I'll help you look, Mama," Sakiko says mischievously. She grabs her mother's hand and helps her walk towards Mikasa's room. Chishiya stabilizes Baya's body just in time.

Mikasa is still on the bed, now holding the baby in her arms. Baya slaps a hand to her mouth, eyes wide. "Aww! How are you feeling, Mikasa? Did everything go well?"

Mikasa quickly summarizes the past events as she hands the baby to Baya, who gladly rocks her back and forth.

"She's so cute," she whispers. She looks up at Chishiya—

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"But Kaoru and Hana are about to leave the house anyway!"

"That kid will be an uncle or aunt before they're even born."

Baya huffs. "You can't just decline."

"I have all the rights to decline."

"But four is an even number—"

"No."

"Sakiko can play with—"

"No."

"It'll be so cute—"

"No."

"You can get another son—"

"No."

"Okay, okay." She scowls. "I'll just wait for... wait, who do you think will have a kid first? Hana and Kaede or—"

"I don't think Kaoru will have kids, Yuzuki." Chishiya pats her head as if he's reassuring her. "Calm down. You're going to get a heart attack. Literally."

Baya takes a deep breath and exhales just as deeply. "Sorry." She sits down to get a better look at the baby. "Does she have a name yet?"

"Not yet," Mikasa responds.

"Ohh, ohh, I know a few—"

"Mama." Sakiko presses a finger to her lips. "Shh. Papa is right. You're going to have a heart attack."

"Yes, yes." She waves it off. "I got surgery, didn't I? Sorry. I just love babies so much!"

"I hate them," Sakiko then whispers, so lowly that Baya gets goosebumps.

"Okay, honey. Glad to know that."

"Bye!" Sakiko yelps, running out of the room. Her eyes search around frantically. "SD?"

"In his room," Daishin murmurs. He's reading a book in a similar manner as Chishiya. "Give him some time alone. He looks tired."

Sakiko pouts as she plops down next to Daishin. "What're you reading?"

"Critique of Pure Reason."

"Philosophy?"

"Yes."

"Ah." Sakiko clicks her tongue. "That's... inspiring." She stands up. "Bye."

"Bye."

She darts towards Shirabi's room, knocking on the door far too many times. "SD! Are you there?"

"Yes," he calls. "Why?"

"Come on out. I'm bored."

"Just a minute."

She crosses her arms. "Are you—"

"No."

"Fine, fine." And so she turns back to Daishin, who looks like he hates every second of it.

Inside Shirabi's room, the boy sits on his bed with a bowl of rice. Reo sits across from him and finishes his bowl way before Shirabi does.

"Give me some of yours."

"No." Rice falls out of his mouth as he speaks. "This is mine."

"You gave yourself much more than you gave me!"

"Still mine."

Reo whacks his spoon against Shirabi's wrist. The rice goes flying. "You barbarian!" Shirabi clutches his wrist. "Who raised you?"

"Better people than raised you, apparently." Reo gathers the dropped food and tosses it into his mouth.

"Off the floor, dude? You're an animal."

"I'm so hungry, you don't understand." He steals Shirabi's spoon and takes a scoop full of rice, licking it dramatically. "Mm, tastes like you."

Shirabi's face heats immediately, so he laughs way too loud. "Bro. Don't make it weird. This is gay. Don't look at me like that."

Reo throws his head back. "Man, you say that about everything! Clouds are gay, shoes are gay, soup is gay... what isn't gay to you?"

"Exactly," Shirabi says, "It's all gay. Doesn't mean I am."

Reo quirks an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"

"Don't flatter yourself. I'm only hanging out with you because I'm mourning my past situation ship."

"That what you're calling her now?"

"What else would you call it?"

"Sounds like you're minimizing it, bro. But you cared, right?"

"Don't make me laugh." He shoves a spoonful of rice into his mouth so fast it burns his tongue. "It was just convenient."

Reo's grin only deepens. "Uh-huh. That's why your face turns red every time someone says her name."

"Shut up," Shirabi mumbles around the food.

Reo plucks the bowl from his hands and sets it aside. Then, bold as ever, he leans back against the headboard. His ankle hooks under Shirabi's knee, deliberately invading his space. "You keep saying 'everything's gay' but the way you're acting right now—"

"You're obsessed with me, huh? That's why you're in my room, eating my food, stealing my spoon, touching my leg. Bro, that's—"

"Gay?" Reo finishes for him.

"Exactly," Shirabi fires back, pointing at him. "You said it, not me."

He presses down harder. "But you haven't moved either."

The room goes still for a moment, except for Sakiko's voice drifting distantly down the hall as she pesters Daishin again.

Shirabi clears his throat. "I'm just... comfortable. That's all."

"Comfortable with me sitting practically on top of you?"

"Yes."

Reo tilts his head, studying him. "You ever kiss a guy?"

Shirabi chokes on his own spit. "What the fuck kind of question is that?!"

"Simple yes or no, man. You ever kiss a guy?"

"No! And I'm not starting now!"

Reo bursts out laughing. "You're so defensive, it's adorable. No wonder everyone thinks you're—"

"Don't say it," Shirabi warns.

"—gay," Reo says anyway.

"Everything is gay! I already told you that! This pillow is gay. This rice is gay. You're gay. I'm gay. We're all gay. Happy now?"

"You keep saying that word like you're trying to dilute it. Like, if you apply it to everything, it won't mean anything when someone applies it to you."

Shirabi's smile falters.

Then, quick as a flash, he replaces it with a grin. He jabs Reo in the chest with a finger. "Nah, you just want me to say it so you can feel less alone about yourself. You're projecting, bro. I don't..."

"Don't what?"

"I don't like—" His throat closes around the word. "It's not me. That's all. Not me. I don't do... that."

"Oh, so you can fight men, kill men, eat rice off the floor with men, but kissing one? That's where you draw the line?"

"Exactly," Shirabi gulps. "That's exactly it."

"You really hate yourself that much?"

His laugh dies in his throat, leaving only silence. He turns away quickly, scratching at his neck, anything to keep from showing his face. "I don't hate myself. I just... it's not right, man. It's not. It's... fucked. And you're fucked for pushing it."

"You think wanting is wrong?"

"I can't just want like that."

"Then what the hell are you doing here? With me. Alone. Every night."

"Because you're insane, and I'm insane, and together we're... less bored. That's all."

"Fine. We're just bored." He steals another handful of rice from Shirabi's abandoned bowl. "What are you afraid of, really?"

"Afraid of you, man."

"Nah. You're afraid of yourself."

Shirabi shoves Reo's shoulder, meaning it to be rough, but Reo doesn't budge. He shoves back. The two of them crash against each other with laughter that feels forced on Shirabi's end and far too easy on Reo's.

Then it stops.

"Say it," Reo murmurs, half on top of him.

"Say what?"

"That you want this."

"It's gay, man. This is gay."

"Yeah. So what?"

Before Shirabi can stop it, Reo leans in and presses their lips together. Shirabi freezes, every muscle screaming wrong wrong wrong.

Against every instinct drilled into him, he kisses back. Their teeth clash. When Reo pulls back for a breath, Shirabi grabs him by the shirt and drags him in again. Shirts start tugging loose between them. Reo yanks Shirabi's over his head in one motion, tossing it to the floor. Shirabi does the same, fumbling until both of them are bare-chested, pressed skin to skin.

Heat blooms across his skin at Reo's touch. Each hand brushing against him sends sparks through his veins. A part of him wants to push away, the other part is helplessly drawn forward. His own hands betray him, sliding across Reo's back to feel the heat and muscles underneath his fingertips. Reo laughs into the kiss, biting at Shirabi's lower lip.

Shirabi forgets. He lets it happen. He lets himself want.

For a moment. Because then he jerks back, shoving Reo hard enough that the boy stumbles against the bedframe. "No. No, no, no. Fuck, what the hell are we doing?"

Reo blinks at him. "We were kissing. We were—"

"Don't say it!" Shirabi grabs at his hair with both hands. "This is wrong. This is so fucking wrong."

"Wrong according to who?"

"According to everything!" Shirabi shouts. "You don't get it, man, you don't fucking get it! It's a crime. It's a sin. It's—" His words collapse into something between a growl and a sob. He punches the wall so hard his knuckles split.

Reo is unbearably calm. "You think kissing me makes you a criminal?"

"It makes me filth. It makes me—" He slams his fist against his chest. "I'm not this! You'll ruin me. You'll ruin me, you don't even care!" He grabs his discarded shirt, pressing it against his chest. "This is over. Done. It never happened."

"You can scream 'wrong' all you want, but you still kissed back."

Shirabi slams the door open and storms out, muttering curses under his breath. His chest heaves so hard he feels like he might choke on his own breath. The taste of Reo lingers on his tongue. The memory of his skin refuses to leave his body.

He veers into the bathroom, slams the door shut, and twists the lock. The mirror glares back at him. His reflection is disheveled, lips swollen, hair sticking up, a red mark blooming across his throat.

He grips the sink until his knuckles whiten, but it isn't enough. He turns the faucet, splashes icy water over his face and his chest, scrubbing at his skin as if he can wash away what just happened.

But the warmth is still there. His mouth remembers. His body remembers.

"No. No, no, no," Shirabi chants. He sinks to the floor, curling into himself, rocking slightly. "God forgive me," he murmurs. "I didn't mean it. It wasn't me. He tricked me. He—" The words trip over themselves. "It's a crime. It's a crime. If anyone knew—"

The thought freezes him. If anyone knew. Images flash behind his eyelids.

"No!" He grabs the edge of the sink again and smashes his fist against it. Pain explodes up his arm, but he keeps hitting, again and again, until his knuckles split further, until blood spatters against the porcelain.

He turns on the shower and steps in fully clothed, drops to his knees under the spray, and lets it soak him until his teeth chatter. He scrubs at his arms, his chest, harder and harder. The water runs pink, then clear, then pink again as his hands continue tearing at his own skin.

"SD!" The door bursts open, revealing Sakiko with a butter knife, which she likely used to pry the door open with. "SD? Shirabi? Are you okay? What happened?"

The butterknife clatters against the bathroom floor. "What happened? You're bleeding—" She crouches down.

His hand lashes out before his mind even catches up. His palm strikes her shoulder hard, shoving her back. "Stay the fuck away!"

Sakiko stumbles, landing on her hip with a small cry. "I just wanted to help—"

"You can't help!" He slams his fists against his thighs, hard enough that the sound echoes in the tiny room. He drags at his collar. "You don't get it! You don't get it, Sakiko!"

"Then tell me! You're scaring me!"

"I should scare you! I'm filth. He'll... He'll punish me! He'll punish anyone near me. You—" he points a trembling finger at her. "You can't touch me. You'll catch it."

"Catch what?" she whispers.

"Sin. You'll catch sin. It's... it's in me. I let him... I let him—" His hand slams against the tile again.

"SD, you didn't do anything wrong! You're hurt, you're—"

His hand lashes out again. It connects with her forearm as she shields herself. She gasps, recoiling.

The world tilts for Shirabi. "I'll go to hell. I'll be damned. They'll know. Everyone will know. I'm dirty, I'm ruined, I can't—" He slaps himself hard across the face several times. "I'm filth. I'm filth. I'll never be clean."

"Papa!" Sakiko runs out of the bathroom, tears threatening to spill. "Shirabi is hurting himself! He won't stop! Help! Help him, please!"

Chishiya appears eventually. Sakiko grabs his sleeve, tugging him toward the bathroom. "He's bleeding! He's... he's saying weird things... Papa, he's saying he's sin and dirty and he won't stop hurting himself!"

"Shirabi." Chishiya crouches down. "Stop this."

But Shirabi only rocks harder. "Don't come near me! You'll catch it. I'm cursed. I let him— I wanted it. I wanted—" He slams his fist against the tiles again, cracking his knuckles deeper. Blood streaks down his wrist. "I'm dirty! Dirty! Sinful! Everyone will know, they'll hate me, they'll hate me! I'm not supposed to want— I can't want... I'll go to hell!"

"Shirabi—"

"Don't say my name!" he shrieks "Don't look at me! You'll see it! You'll see what I did!"

Chishiya's brows draw together faintly. "What you did doesn't matter right now. If you keep tearing your skin open—"

"It matters!" Shirabi howls, He slaps his cheek again.

Reo finally storms in. He pushes past everyone and kneels directly in the spray of the shower, gripping Shirabi's shoulders. "Hey! Shirabi!"

"Don't touch me!" His fists fly. One slams against Reo's jaw, the other shoves him into the wall.

"Stop fighting me!" Reo shouts, grabbing his wrists to pin them. "You're not filth, you're just scared, you idiot!"

Shirabi kicks, headbutts, and does anything to get free. "You're the devil! You made me want! You ruined me! You'll drag me to hell with you!"

Reo grips his face, forcing their eyes to meet even as Shirabi spits and claws. "I'm not the devil, Shirabi! I'm right here! Stop tearing yourself apart!"

Shirabi only screams louder. "Get away! Get away from me!" He punches Reo in the face, over and over. "This is all your fault!"

The sounds have finally reached Kaede, who'd been up in the attic up until now. He skids to a stop in front of the bathroom. "What the hell is going on?!"

"He's... he's saying he's sin! He won't stop hurting himself!"

He ducks under Chishiya's outstretched arm. He slips on the wet tiles but regains his balance.

"Shirabi—

Shirabi pulls back just enough to glare at him. "No! Don't! Get away!" He swings, catching Kaede's shoulder, making him stagger back slightly.

Kaede steps closer as if daring him to punch again.

"Stop! I'm dirty! I'm sinful! I'll ruin you if you touch me!"

Kaede grabs both of Shirabi's wrists. "I'm not going to be ruined. I swear!" He closes the distance and wraps his arms around Shirabi, one under his shoulders, one around his back, pulling him into a tight hug.

"No! Get off! You'll contaminate me!" Shirabi wails.

"I don't care about any of that! I don't care! You're not dirty. You're not sinful. You're just... you. And I love you. That's it."

His body quivers in Kaede's arms. His fists clench, digging into Kaede's chest, but he can't escape his grip. Slowly, the thrashing eases. Tears slip down his cheeks, followed by hiccups that rack his body.

"You're not alone. You're not filth. You're just you."

Shirabi wraps his arms weakly around Kaede's torso. "I'm... I'm so dirty..." he cries out.