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CHAPTER FORTY-TWO,
to plan and improve

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༇ ARISU wakes up with his hand on Chishiya's ass, who's mouth is suspiciously close to Baya's feet, who is drooling onto Aguni's face, who's hand is tangled in Arisu's hair.

"Stop groping me."

"I didn't know you had a feet fetish."

"Stop groping me."

"Okay, okay, feet fetisher— ow!"

Baya groans. "Can you two stop arguing for one second? My head can't handle this."

"My head can't handle your drool." Aguni wipes it off with his sleeve, disgust etched everywhere. "Did Sakiko survive us?"

Chishiya sits up, his hair more disheveled than ever. "I locked her door from outside."

"Oh, thank gosh."

"Did anyone else hear Kaede's love confession or was that just my dream?" Mumbles Arisu. 

"I do not recall anything from last night," Baya responds. "Must've been a dream."

"I may hope so," Chishiya adds.

"I heard it, too," Aguni confirms. He stands up, grunting loudly. "Do we have— oh, lord."

Shirabi is lying in the middle of the pathway, snoring loudly, his position so creative that it looks like he's breaking multiple bones.

"Where's the rest?"

Aguni points at the couch. "Nozomi, Elikai, Nanaka, and Renji are there."

Arisu nods towards the kitchen. "I see someone with their head in the cereal box..." he squints his eyes. "I think it's Kiyoshi."

After ten minutes of looking, Chishiya finds Kaoru and Suzume asleep in a tree, for some reason. The grass is damp beneath his shoes, wetting the bottom of his pants. He sighs and turns around— and nearly bumps into Hana.

"Morning. Where's Kaede? What did he say to you?"

Hana's eyes are bloodshot, dark bags below them, as she stares at him. "Why don't you mind your own business and go talk to Arisu about your virginity?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"Look who says it— the guy who's been waking up on the wrong side of the bed all his life."

"Do we have issues that I'm not aware of? Have I hurt you while I was drunk?"

"Yes, I have plenty of issues with you."

"Just because you're an adult now does not mean you can talk to me like that. Explain yourself."

"Dad, what do you think about your wedding day?" Hana interrupts.

He stiffens. "It's something I don't like to talk about."

"That's the problem."

"I would appreciate it if you could elaborate."

"You apologized to Mom, but you're still out here complaining about your wedding day. Don't you understand that it might've been the best day of Mom's life? She felt the prettiest, she felt the best, she felt excited— and you talk about your wedding like it's cursed. Think about how that might make her feel." She crosses her arms. "I just gave you a prime example of why you don't deserve her forgiveness just yet. Try harder."

With that, she walks up to the tree. "Kaoru! Can we talk?"

Nothing but some kind of groan mixed with a snore.

"Kaoru!" Hana knocks on the bark. "Wake up!"

Her plan to actually start trying to be a better person started this morning. She woke up early, despite how horrible and hungover she felt, and prepared a glass of water, an aspirin, and a plate of food for Kaede. She put it on the nightstand. It's not enough to be forgiven, obviously, but it's a start.

The second step was to help her mother. Anyone who's been rude to her lately, Hana will confront— that mostly means confronting her father.

Thirdly, she needs to properly talk to Kaoru, Sakiko, and her mother. She hasn't had a private conversation with any of them ever since she returned from Australia.

But that only works if Kaoru wakes up. "Kaoru!" She yells again. "Wake up!"

A groan echoes from up the tree. "Did my collar explode..." he mutters.

Chishiya appears next to Hana. "Where did Nao go?"

"Nao... was the Jack." Kaoru finally sits up. He runs a hand through his hair, groaning. "Why am I up here?"

"I have no idea," Hana sighs. "Can you come down? We need to talk."

Kaoru taps Suzume's shoulder. It takes a few seconds, but she awakes, wincing. They climb back down together.

Hana tilts her head at her father. "Are you not going to say anything?"

"About?"

"Kaoru sleeping next to a girl."

"Oh, right." Chishiya eyes Kaoru. "Congratulations."

Hana blinks. Then pulls a face. Then widens her eyes. "What—" she sputters. "What the hell! You always get angry at me but Kaoru gets a 'congratulations'?"

"At least you don't get abused when he helps you with your homework." Kaoru rubs his forehead and yawns.

"It's unfair," she mutters. "Anyway. Let's talk."

"Kaoru," Chishiya says, "can you come to my office afterward?"

Kaoru visibly swallows, then nods and turns to Hana. "What is it?"

She waits until Chishiya and Suzume have completely disappeared out of sight. Takes a breath. Shudders. "I... want you to know that I regret what I did. Not because you're all angry at me, or because it caused me to feel really bad about myself— but because it made you guys sad. I should've talked to Mom and Dad first. And even if I didn't, I shouldn't have blocked you, too. I shouldn't have disappeared for six years instead of a few months."

Kaoru's lips part, an audible, small gasp coming from them.

Hana gives a sad smile. "I didn't come back only because I was doing bad and could no longer find happiness in Australia. I didn't come back because I lost Seika." A slash of pain hits her at the mention of Seika's name. "If that was the case, I wouldn't have stayed those extra two years. I came back because of how much I missed you, and how much I regretted doing what I did."

Kaoru, obviously at a loss for words, doesn't meet her eyes and pretends to be fascinated by the sky. He clears his throat. "What were the extra two years for?" He asks hoarsely.

"Mostly because Seika and I broke up, I started feeling very unmotivated. I didn't show up to classes, so didn't graduate, either. After that, I just... didn't do anything. I was in my bed all day, doing nothing." She pauses. "I wasn't using you. I feel like you all think I came back because I was doing bad, but like I said, if that was the case, why would I spend another two years in my bed?"

Kaoru just nods.

"You don't have to forgive me. I don't want you to forgive me. I just want you to know that I regret it and that I'm accepting my mistakes. I want to feel okay. And... I want us to be okay again."

He sniffs, blinking away tears as he embraces her into a hug that Hana doesn't return at first. It feels comforting to have someone like Kaoru hug her. Not only is he much taller than her, but he's her favorite person to hug.

"I forgot how tall you are," she mutters, half-crying through her words.

"Shirabi is the only one who's taller," he responds. A small laugh leaves him. "I don't know where the genes came from."

"I'm not even taller than Dad." She groans. "It's a shame."

"You're taller than plenty of people."

"Who?"

"Mom, Usagi, Heiya, Suzume, Elikai, and Nanaka."

"Really?" She frowns. "How do you even see that— how do you even remember it?"

"I notice and remember a lot of things, even if I don't want to."

She bites the inside of her cheek so hard it stings. "Can you notice I'm being genuine and really want to be better?"

"Yes," he says firmly.

They hug again. This time, Hana hugs back, and it lasts twice as long. She fists the back of his shirt, holding on as if he'll disappear if she lets go. Kaoru knocks the air out of her lungs with how tightly he's embracing her.

"It's okay, Hana," he says quietly. "I've done so much worse."

She pulls back. "What do you m—"

But Kaoru is already making his way to Chishiya's office, his heart at the bottom of his stomach. He has a suspicion about what's waiting for him.

He knocks three clean times. Chishiya allows him to come in, so Kaoru opens the door. It creaks slightly, also when he closes it again.

Chishiya's office still looks the same as last time Kaoru was here, except for the thick notebook and box on his desk. Kaoru, however, decides not to ask him about it.

"You baited me into my own trap," Chishiya starts. "I've underestimated your intelligence."

Kaoru stares at the ground. "I... I'm sorry, Dad. If I hadn't stolen the cards, then—"

"No. The only thing you can feel bad about is stealing from me." Chishiya bores his eyes through Kaoru's. "But, Kaoru, you are not to be blamed for sending all of us into the Borderlands. You didn't expect such dangerous objects to be hidden in my office. It's my fault for not telling all of you the truth about what I was hiding."

"But—"

"No. I do not blame you."

"Half the population is dying because of me," he cries out. His eyes burn, as well as his chest— a deep, unstoppable ache.

"And half the population might blame you for it, but I will always be on your side. The consequences of your betrayal were not nearly as severe as mine."

Kaoru's head snaps up. "What?"

"I cannot blame you for something you did, when I, myself, also did it once, and especially not when the consequences of my actions were worse."

His eyebrows scrunch lightly. "You... what?"

"I would rather have half the population die than have Yuzuki end up in the hands of a rapist again."

Kaoru is almost too baffled to speak. "Well, don't tell her that. She'll be freaked out. And she'll disagree."

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you disagree, Kaoru?"

"I, eh... I—" he stammers.

Chishiya raises an eyebrow.

"I would rather have neither one happen. Don't make me choose," he mumbles. "Anyway, is this what you wanted to talk about?"

"Yes. I wanted you to know that it's not your fault and that you should stop blaming yourself for it."

"It is my fault, though?"

Chishiya sighs. "My point is that I don't want you to risk your life because you think you deserve it."

Kaoru bites his bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "Oh," he says. "Thanks, Dad."

"Promise me you won't."

"I won't," he promises.

"Your mother told me about Hotoke," Chishiya goes on. "Are you okay?"

Kaoru nods. "Yeah. Fine."

"You can come to me if... anything," he says, clearly unsure what to say.

To shatter the awkwardness, Kaoru motions at the box and notebook on Chishiya's desk. "What's that?"

"Preparation."

"For?"

"Your mother, Arisu, Aguni, and Sakiko will get hurt very badly. I don't know when, but it will happen. The box contains medical supplies, and the notebook instructions just in case I'm not there when it happens."

Kaoru realizes fast. They got in a car accident and must be suffering from injuries in the real world right now. Their fate has been sealed: the injuries will also take place in the Borderlands. "What injuries?"

"Aguni has a skull fracture and broken ribs. Arisu, brain is swelling and internal bleeding. Sakiko has two collapsed lungs and a fractured spine. Yuzuki has trauma to the abdomen and a ruptured spleen."

"Two collapsed lungs?" The color drains from his face. "Sakiko... She's eleven, Dad. I... how is she supposed to survive that?"

"I don't know who will be there when it happens," Chishiya says. "But if it's you, you have to act fast. The human brain starts dying after just a few minutes without oxygen. She won't have time to wait."

Chishiya opens the notebook and points. "Bilateral pneumothorax." He underlines it. "If she starts gasping, if her lips turn blue, or if her chest movement is shallow or asymmetric, don't wait. Both lungs collapsed means she's suffocating. You can't fix it, but you can buy her time."

Kaoru nods stiffly.

Chishiya flips a few pages. "There are two emergency options. One is needle decompression. You take a large-gauge needle from this pouch. Find the second rib space here—" he presses his finger below Kaoru's right collarbone. "And push straight in. Air will hiss out. You'll do it on both sides. It'll relieve pressure around the lungs and let them expand just enough to keep her conscious. It hurts. She'll scream. That means it's working. Next step is chest tubes, if you can manage it."

Chishiya pulls out a tube from the box, then shows a scalpel. "You make an incision between her fourth and fifth ribs. That's here—" he gestures under Kaoru's armpit. "Small incision. Then you push the tube in. Aim upward and back. If it's done right, more air will hiss out. Tape the tube to the skin and let it drain."

"Drain where?"

"A bottle. A bag. Anything. As long as air escapes and doesn't go back in. It's primitive, but it works.

"What if I mess up? What if I hesitate and she dies?"

"Then you'll live with it," Chishiya says bluntly. "But you must try, Kaoru."

His eyes are glassy by now, but he nods.

Chishiya closes the notebook and hands it to him. "Then memorize those pages. And take the pouch with you, no matter where you go."

Kaoru tucks the notebook under his arm and picks up the pouch, clutching it tight. "What about the spine fracture?"

"We'll handle that if she survives the lungs," Chishiya says.

"Got it."He walks toward the door, then pauses. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

Kaoru glances over his shoulder. "If I mess it up... will you forgive me?"

Chishiya looks at him for a long moment. "You won't mess up."

"Do we tell them? About their injuries?"

"No. It'll only scare them. But I will inform others about what they should do. You should also come back later. I'll teach you how to handle the other injuries."

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe you should at least tell Mom. I know you care a lot about us, but the problem is that you don't show it right. If she knows you've been preparing to take care of everyone... you'll fix things."With that, Kaoru walks out, holding Sakiko's life in one hand, and his father's faith in the other.

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"Sit down, sit down!" Hana hurries to sit everyone down around the table. She gathered every possible thing to sit on so that everyone would have a spot. In the middle of the table stands a basket with freshly baked bread. Puffs of steam rise from it, filling the room with a scent they haven't smelled in weeks.

"Where did the bread come from?"

"I baked it," she says. "I gathered flour, water, and yeast, and made a fire outside. I had to roast each piece on a stick and it took ages. I hope they're not burned..." she trails off. Her eyes flicker to Shirabi, who has his forehead against the table. "Do you need water?"

"I need you to take a chill pill," he groans. "Sit down."

Slowly, Hana sits down and hands everyone a piece of bread. Silence falls as they eat, and it's not exactly comfortable.

"Well," Baya starts, delighted, "good thing the King of Spades is dead, otherwise we wouldn't be sitting in such peace."

Sakiko makes a painful face. "Worst thing you could've said—"

"Sakiko, be nice," Chishiya warns.

"Ay, he's becoming better!" Shirabi blurts out.

"Let's play a game to lighten the mood," Baya suggests. "What about... hang man? I'm very good at thinking of difficult words."

"Because you can't spell," Kaoru says below his breath.

Baya stands up and grabs a marker, then sticks paper to the wall. "Should I write a sentence? Since we're with so many people?"

The only response comes from Elikai and Hana, who nods excessively.

"Okay... hold up." Baya begins writing.

• •• •• •••••

"Now begin guessing!" She says.

"M," Shirabi says lazily.

• •m •• •••••

"I am," says Chishiya.

I am •• •••••

"Good!" Baya bounces on her feet. "Next!"

"E?" Arisu guesses.

I am •• ••e•e

"N!"

I am •n ••e•e

"C?" Nozomi tries.

I am •n ••ece

"P! P! P!" Sakiko yells. "Add a P!"

I am •n p•ece

"Another 'i'!"

I am in piece

Chishiya presses his lips together, rubbing his forehead. Kaoru makes a pained noise.

"I am in peace," Baya says. "You guys are good. Can I try again?" She stares at the group in front of her. Looks back at the paper. Pouts a little. "It's wrong, isn't it?"

"You almost had it!" Hana encourages. "You just have to replace the 'i' with an 'e' and the 'e' with an 'a'."

"I am en pieca— I'm a pizza?"

"Oh my God," Shirabi whispers.

"Yes. You're a pizza," Chishiya says. "Sit down and eat."

Baya plops back down on her seat and sighs. "Can we eat pizza in peace tonight? Wait, where's Kaede?"

"I asked him to come. He said he wasn't hungry," Hana mutters. She coughs a little. "He... drank quite a lot and we... never mind. Should I go check on him? I did leave food on the nightstand."

"I'll go." Shirabi walks up the stairs without hesitation, probably because he's been aching to get away from the group. He knocks on Miyu's door only once before immediately opening it, not a care in the world.

Inside, he finds nothing but a full plate of food on the nightstand. "Arisu," he calls, heading for the bathroom.

Kaede visibly startles when Shirabi slams the door open. "Oh. Hi."

"There you are." Sighing, Shirabi leans against the doorframe. "What're you doing?"

"Shaving."

"Wow. While I'm out there dying between those people, you're shaving? Hana said you're not feeling well."

"I'm not."

"Ah." Shirabi sits down at the edge of the bathtub. "Last night, dude," he mutters. "I think her father's actually going to kill me when he finds out. And he's, like, huge. Wait, did I even tell you? Nozomi and I went at it. It was kinda crazy. She—"

"Shirabi, I really don't care right now," Kaede sighs.

"Sorry?" Shirabi scoffs. "I've been listening to your rambling about Hana for the past, what, eleven years, and you're telling me I can't share the fact I kissed a girl— which is, by the way, a one time thing?"

"Just... not right now."

Shirabi grabs a chunk of Kaede's hair and twists it. "What's with you, huh? Alcohol still up your head?"

Kaede pushes him off, harder than necessary. "I said not right now."

"You said not to talk about kissing girls right now. You didn't say I have to leave— wait, is that the problem? Did you pull something on Hana? Did she reject you?" Shirabi's eyes wide. "Woah, tell me everything, dude."

"I did mean to tell you to leave."

He blinks. "What?"

"Leave."

"The hell's up with you now? I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on. It's not like your shaving session is so importa..." Shirabi trails off. Then suddenly, he grabs the arm Kaede had been hiding behind his back and squeezes his wrist so hard that the razor falls from his hand. "You said you stopped."

Kaede pulls back, roughly sliding his sleeve over his bloody wrist, but it's too late: Shirabi already noticed. "And I also said you have to leave."

"Why should I listen to your words when you're lying about them yourself?" He snarls. Shirabi's whole face changes. "You said you stopped," he repeats.

Kaede turns away. "I did stop."

"So what's this then?" Shirabi grabs the razor off the floor. "Slipped and fell on a blade? Accidentally cut yourself five times across the same wrist?"

Kaede glares at him through the mirror, eyes bloodshot, cheeks flushed. "Why are you making this a big deal?"

"Because it is a big deal, idiot!" Shirabi snaps. "You told me—you promised me—you were done with this. Talk to me. Why are you doing this again?"

"I messed up." His fist clenches around the edge of the sink. "I confessed, sort of, and she said she doesn't deserve me. I shouldn't have taken those stupid gentleman lessons. At least then she wouldn't think of me like that. At least then I would've stopped him from..." Kaede stops and sighs.

"Stopped who from what?"

"Nothing." He shakes his head. "I just messed up. Badly."

"Dude. 'Gentleman' lessons or not, you're... you. Those lessons don't define you. You're kind because you're Kaede, not because you took those lessons. Those lessons only gave you the ability to show your kindness," Shirabi says.

"I messed up," he repeats, over and over, hiding his face behind his hands.

"Messed up what? You confessed. She finally told you the reason she doesn't want you. That's a good thing, because now the both of you can work on it."

Kaede shakes his head once again. "I woke up when she put that food and water next to the bed. I was still half-asleep and felt drunk when I told her it's better to keep distance from now on, so we can both figure everything out."

"Ah," Shirabi hisses. "Yeah, you messed up, but it's easily fixable if you just go up to her and tell her you don't want to take distance."

"Won't it only confuse her? What if I make it worse?"

"Hey, hey. She's becoming a better person. You... I don't know, have to become a worse person, and then she'll like you?" Shirabi frowns. "Girls are so confusing. What does she expect from you? To become an abuser?"

"I understand it may feel awkward if you're dating someone who's a much better person than you, but that's not even the case here, and—"

"That is the case, though," Shirabi cuts him off. "Wow, you're truly blind."

Kaede spins around so fast that he gets dizzy. "Are you calling her a bad person?"

"Woah— okay, no? She's not a bad person. She's just... made a few mistakes. Mistakes that you can't see, apparently. You're really too lovesick, man."

"I do see the mistakes."

"Seeing them is different from acknowledging them. It's okay to admit that Hana is not as perfect as you think she is. You can't actually agree with the fact she disappeared for so many years, right?"

"I'm... just so happy she's back, that I don't care about anything else."

"Maybe that's it..." Shirabi mutters. Kaede can see the exact moment he gets an idea. "You need to acknowledge her faults and tell her, Kaede. She'll only feel like you're love bombing her if you keep on telling her how perfect she is. Show Hana her own flaws, then yours. If she can understand that you're not as perfect as you seem, maybe she will no longer think she doesn't deserve you."

Lovesick. Love bombing. The phrases repeat in his mind like they're infecting him as they speak, but Kaede ignores it. "Okay."

"I think the problem is that you're both perfect in the other's eyes. You think Hana's perfect, and Hana thinks you're perfect. But you're not, neither of you. Tell her about your real struggles."

"How do I start? What do I even say?" He looks at Shirabi. "Tell me my struggles. I don't know my struggles."

Shirabi snorts. "Obviously the self-harm. If you want to be real harsh about it, tell her you started doing it because you wanted attention from your parents," he says. "Then say you had been hiding two big secrets from your family: that you went to the boxing club and that I'm the King of Spades' son."

Kaede nods, mentally noting it down. "What else?"

"Say you're pessimistic when it comes to yourself. That you're a perfectionist when it comes to yourself. That you can't stand up for yourself properly, because you're afraid to hurt others. That you ignore people's flaws. Ohh, wait, tell her about the Nozomi's-friend-incident."

Kaede gulps. "No way. Hell no. Never."

Shirabi bursts out laughing. "Come on, she'll finally see you as less perfect! Do you want me to rewind what happened?"

"No, please—"

But Shirabi is already on it. "Tell her how we got drunk that night and accidentally walked into Chishiya's house, where Kaoru was hanging out with Nozomi and her friend. How you thought Nozomi's friend was Hana. How you nearly kissed Nozomi's friend."

"Absolutely not," he whispers, horrified. "Don't mention that ever again."

"But what if it works?"

"I'd like to never find out. Keep your mouth shut about this story, okay?"

"Hmmm," Shirabi hums suspiciously. "I'll consider it."

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🂱 A/N: Okay guys I officially published my Arisu fanfic so go check it out if you haven'tttt

Also, sorry that this chapter is shorter than usually. And it's lowkey only filled with deep ahh conversations...

Anygays, idk. I kinda want a few peaceful chapters but big things have to happen too, especially between Baya and Chishiya, honestly? I'm just not sure what. (Big things don't mean bad things. Just something memorable).

Like I don't even care what. I'd write about him performing surgeries on her again. I'd write him giving her another massage. I'd write them shopping together again. Idc, just something 😭😭

I wanted to say more but I forgot what

You guys should check out "tr4pt1e" on TikTok cuz she be posting some AMAZING lucid videos

I'm actually tweaking there are so many videos being made about Sweven/Lucid and I want to kiss every single person and video I love it sm