●・○・●・○・●
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE,
deserving

-

༇ "I'M going to the bathroom," Kaoru says in the third round of Jack of Hearts.

No collars have exploded yet— each player is alive and well, trying to figure out who the Jack is.

"Okay. See you." Nao waves.

He takes long, neat strides towards the toilet meant for males, his hands stuck in his pockets. He chooses the urinal furthest from the closed door, hidden out of sight from anyone who might enter.

"Have you got it?" Comes another male voice, not much older than Kaoru's.

"Yes." He takes one hand out of his pocket, fingers wrapped tightly around the object. It's not a deck of cards this time: those were just to distract people from the very obvious shape of a gun in his pocket.

He hands the weapon to the guy. Chishiya was right when he said Kaoru has been preparing this game for quite a while. This guy is an old classmate, one who's bribed easily.

"Are you really sure that's the Jack?" The guy, named Botan, asks.

"Yes. The Jack come up to you before the game even started, to start an alliance, right? Typical Jack move. The Jack needs a second person to rely on, even if it has a group already. The same thing happened in the previous Jack of Hearts game."

"So... what exactly do I do? Lie to the Jack?"

"Each hour, I will perform a card trick in front of my group. Whatever symbol you see me hold up, that's what you're wearing on your collar. I want you to tell me my symbol every round, too."

"How?"

"Food. If you grab one bag, it's clubs. Two is hearts. Three is spades. Four is diamonds."

Botan groans. "How will I remember that?"

Kaoru blinks at him. "Don't you know the typical sequence of the four rows?"

"The what—? Okay, whatever. I'll remember."

Kaoru gives a simple shrug. "Great. I don't care that much if you don't remember: I trust my group. It's just extra certainty."

"And how do we plan to defeat the Jack? When should I lie?"

"In the seventh round."

"Why not now? Why not put a quick stop to it?"

"The Jack might get suspicious. It's only the third round. The Jack might not fully trust you yet. If the Jack believes its group over you, then it's over for the both of us."

Botan nods, committed. "Okay. Seventh round. Got it." He sticks the gun in his pocket. "Thanks for this. Where'd you get it?"

"Off the King of Spades' body. Anything specific you need it for?"

"Maybe." Botan grins wildly, then walks out of the bathroom. "Thanks, Chishiya! Your symbol is clubs."

"You're diamonds," Kaoru replies.

Kaoru watches him leave, sighing lightly. Giving Botan a gun was something he had to— something that will make his plan work, but it might mean more and more people carry weapons, and someday, the games might not be the most dangerous, but the people.

After waiting for a few minutes, Kaoru also returns to his, Nao, and Suzume's table.

"I bet the bathroom reeks of the shit you just took," Nao mutters. "No way you took that long just to pee."

"I have nothing to say," he responds, baffled at the sudden accusation.

"Anyway, I have a question. That thing Kaede's father said, what was that about?"

"What?"

"Something about walking in on Chishiya and Baya? A live action of what you were watching when you were thi—"

Kaoru chokes on his water, spitting half of it out while the other half mingles its way into his throat, stealing his breath for multiple seconds. "Sorry?"

"I think it speaks for itself," Suzume mutters. She giggles below her breath.

"I just want to know the context. Why does Kaede's father know about what you were watching when you were thirteen?"

"Because no one can keep a secret in our group."

"Oh?" Nao peeps excitedly. "Tell me more. I love this."

"Just to be clear," Kaoru clears his throat, "I no longer watch that stuff. I watched it once, okay?"

Nao waves it off. "Yes, yes. Now go on."

"Eh... everyone found out that Kaede had been fighting in an illegal boxing ring since he was twelve," Kaoru offers. "He managed to hide it for about eight years."

"Pretty long. What else?"

"Hm... Kaede pierced Hana's belly button when they were twelve. Everyone found out fast, especially because my dad threw a tantrum. At Kaede specifically."

"So, no matter what happens, the truth will surface eventually?"

"Yup. No one can hide secrets forever. It's only a matter of time before everyone knows what exactly happened between my dad and Kaede— when Kaede got stabbed and gained bruises on his arms for some reason. Something else must've happened."

"Ohh," Nao whispers mysteriously. "What else?"

Arisu was supposed to watch me when I was a little kid but I hid behind the couch and pooped on the floor, then rubbed it in circles with a dishwashing brush and everybody knows about it.

He decides not to tell them that.

Kaoru rubs his eyes. "Arisu walked in on my naked dad once. He dropped the bottle of lotion and dropped to his knees to pick it up. They ended up in a very unfortunate position, and the entire family knows about it."

She drops her head onto the table with a heavy thud. Her hair spreads around her head. "I wish I was there."

"And everyone knows Kaede has this massive crush on Hana. He's had it since he was eight. However, some kind of spark was always there. But Hana doesn't like him back— yet. She's slowly starting to see him now that they're spending more time together."

"Oh, I immediately noticed that, yes." Nao nods. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You must have a girlfriend or something. You're handsome, smart, and kind."

Kaoru stares at her, surprised for a moment, then scoffs and shakes his head. "No."

"Break up situation?"

"No, I've never had a girlfriend."

"You're lying. At least tell me someone has hit on you— actually, I'm hitting on you right now."

"We are five years apart."

"So? My parents are six years apart! Don't actually tell me you never went on a date."

"Someone almost asked me until she realized I have SPD and ASD."

"ASD?" Nao squints her eyes. "Really?"

"Yes. I've got level one, but—"

"How many levels are there?"

"Three."

"I didn't notice any of that about you. And I don't mean that in a rude way. So... how would someone be able to notice you've got autism?"

"I get very fixated on certain topics, like cards. I don't like changes when I'm not prepared for them. Of course, my sensory issues are also part of ASD. But everyone experiences it differently. If someone else has level one of autism, that doesn't mean they struggle with the same things as me."

Nao nods thankfully. "Also, more questions— you're like... one big family. Who are related?"

"The parents and the children, obviously, but other than that, the parents aren't related at all. We're technically just a big group of friends."

"Who is connected to who? Like, Nozomi, who is her parent? And who are closest to each other and who secretly hate each other? I have seen some crazy things."

"Nozomi's situation is... difficult to explain. Kuina is the one who adopted her, but it's more like Kuina, Ann, and Aguni adopted her altogether, but none of them have a romantic relationship going on," Kaoru explains.

"Okay..." Nao nods.

"I'm closest to Nozomi, Ann, and my mom. Hana and I... are not as close anymore, for several reasons— not the point. Secret hatred? I guess my dad has something against Kaede, but that's it. He has something against everyone, really."

"Rewind. I need the entire family tree because I don't understand anymore."

"Arisu and Usagi are married. Their oldest child is Kaede, then comes Miyu, and then Souta. Same goes for my parents, with me, Hana, and Sakiko. Then we have Aguni, Kuina, and Ann with Nozomi. Kaede's best friend Shirabi is the son of the previous King of Spades. Renji, Nanaka, and Elikai are my high school friends."

He doesn't mention Shoma. Nao and Suzume didn't even know him, so it will only lead to pity— something Nao already feels too much for Kaoru.

"I'm beginning to understand," Nao mutters.

Kaoru stands up. "Anyway, we should go to the cells."

●・○・●・○・●

"This is harder than I thought," Suzume mutters in the sixth round. "Five people have died so far, and I'm still clueless." She turns to Kaoru. "Do you have any idea?"

He looks around. Hesitates for a moment, then tells her about his plan. It leaves Suzume gasping.

Meanwhile, Kaoru just fidgets with the collar. It's becoming unbearable after wearing it for nearly six hours. His breath is coming faster by now. His fingers keep tugging at the collar. The sound of it shifting against his skin is barely audible, but it's all he can hear now.

Tick. The timer on the wall beeps.

Tick.

The light above them flickers.

Tick.

The collar digs in just slightly behind his ear. He rubs at it, then claws at it.

Tick.

"Kaoru," Suzume says slowly. "Can... is there some way I can help you?"

"I can't... it's burning. I can't think, I can't focus, it's too much." He yanks at the collar now. The more he tries to control it, the worse it gets. His world has shrunk to the suffocating feel of the collar against his skin and the echoing sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. "I can't breathe," he chokes. "I need... off, it has to come off."

"Shh. Okay. Okay." Suzume hesitates for only a second, then gently places both hands on either side of his face, forcing his gaze to lock with hers. "Just focus on me, okay?"

Her touch interrupts the panic just long enough for a moment of clarity to pierce through.

Her thumbs stroke his cheekbones. "Count with me," she whispers. "One. Two. Three— just breathe." She leans in and presses her forehead against his. Kaoru stiffens, but doesn't pull away. "You'll be okay."

"I hate it," he breathes. "I can't take it anymore."

"You said just one more round," Suzume tells him. Her fingers stroke behind his ears. "You can do it. Just one more, Kaoru."

His eyes sting. Something wet gathers at the corners, and he turns his face away.

Suzume doesn't let go. "Just breathe with me. No one's watching." With every inhale she takes, he mimics her. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. She strokes her fingers gently along his jaw, then brushes away a tear with her thumb. "You're doing so well."

He shakes his head, humiliated. "I'm not."

"You are," she insists. "You're holding it together better than you think."

He closes his eyes. The heat of her skin against his calms him in a way he doesn't understand. He's not used to someone calming him down like this. He isn't even sure what to do with it.

"I can't think straight," he whispers.

"Then don't think." She pulls back just enough to look into his eyes. She stares at him until he sees nothing else but her. The lights flicker again, the digital timer beeps once more in the background— but he barely hears it now.

Kaoru's breathing evens out, finally, though his chest still rises in unsteady waves. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again. "Thank you."

For a while, they just stand like that. The noise of the timer fades around them. The flickering light. The cold floor. The presence of death.

Suzume's grip tightens. "Stay by me," she says. "In the game."

"In the game," he repeats, promising.

"And after?"

He freezes, caught off guard.

Her cheeks go a little red. "You don't have to answer that."

But he does. He moves closer, noses brushing, "Yes. After."

"Holy shit! Are you two reconnecting with nature or something? What the— haven't you known each other for like... two weeks? Wasn't today the first time you actually talked? Hold up, did I just interrupt a make out session—"

Kaoru freezes. Suzume pulls back, blinking. "No, ehm, I had to help Kaoru calm down."

"Calm down a boner or what?" Nao mumbles below her breath, slumping to the floor.

"The collar became too much for a moment," Kaoru says. He takes a deck of cards from his pocket and starts fidgeting with it. This is his usual way of distracting himself when everything becomes too much, although he can admit Suzume helped a lot better than his cards have ever done.

"Right," Nao sighs out. "Is it, like, a constant thing that affects you? The SPD, I mean."

"I've become better at holding myself together, but yes."

"So it was worse when you were a kid?"

"You... could say that, yes."

●・○・●・○・●

The house was quiet until Kaoru's scream shattered through the hallway. He had been doing fine. At least, in his seven year old definition of the word. He had made it almost two hours into the morning without crying. He had managed to eat half his toast even though the crust felt like sandpaper in his mouth. His socks weren't the right kind, but he hadn't said anything because Mama looked tired, and Papa had been quiet again.

And Kaoru really, really tried to be the version of himself they liked best.

But then, Baya had touched his shoulder. The touch sent static through him. His shoulder went tight and his body made the decision before his words could catch up. He screamed, shoved her hand off, and ran.

Now he was curled up in the farthest corner of his room. His hands clamped hard over his ears. His knees to his chest. He was crying so loudly he didn't know if he was breathing. He hated this. He hated the screaming, hated that he couldn't stop himself, couldn't explain, couldn't make it make sense.

"Kaoru," Baya's voice was soft from the doorway. She didn't come closer. "Honey. It's okay."

"I hate this shirt!" Kaoru wailed. "It's itching me! Why did you put it on me?! Why didn't you ask?!"

"I'm sorry," Baya said gently. "I thought the one with the stars was your favorite."

"It was yesterday!" he shrieked. "Today it feels bad!"

There was a pause. "Okay. I'm leaving a new shirt on the bed. You can change when you're ready."

Kaoru didn't answer. He just sobbed harder. His body couldn't figure out how to stop. He didn't know what he wanted.

He heard footsteps.

"Hana, baby, don't—"

Tiny feet padded up the hallway and towards Kaoru. Hana, six years old, short hair sticking up in all directions. "Kaoru? I brought you this," she said, holding out something between her palms. His favorite stress toy. "You left it."

Kaoru peeked at it between his fingers. Then covered his face again. He didn't move.

"Daddy said your brain has to work ten times harder than mine every day," she added. "And that's why sometimes you get so loud. So it's not your fault."

Kaoru hiccuped. His tears slowed. "I wish I wasn't like this."

"I don't," Hana replied. "If you weren't like this, you wouldn't know how to hear everything. You always hear when I'm sad, even if I'm hiding. You always know when Mommy's gonna cry before she cries. You see things I don't."

Kaoru sniffed. "I also scream a lot."

"Yeah," Hana admitted. "But Daddy says it's like thunder. Thunder can be scary, but has never hurts us. You're not dangerous. You're just... stormy."

Stormy. He didn't hate that.

From the hallway, Chishiya appeared. He hadn't said a word during the whole meltdown. He usually didn't. But he never left, either. Now he spoke. "You okay, Kaoru?"

He croaked, "Can I wear no shirt today?"

Chishiya nodded. "You don't have to wear anything that bothers you."

"And can I have the music with the rain sounds?"

"It's already playing in the living room."

Kaoru blinked. He didn't know when they'd prepared all that, or if they always did and he just never noticed before. But all that remained was exhaustion. His limbs felt like wet towels.

Hana crawled closer and sat beside him. She handed him the toy. Kaoru took it. "I'll always be there if you scream for help!" She promised neatly.

"Yes?"

"Yes!" She hugged him. Maybe too early, but Hana was too young to notice. "You're my favorite sky: a storm! What sky am I, Kaoru?"

"Early morning. Not when the sky is orange, but when it's still blue, yet not blue enough to be night."

●・○・●・○・●

The seventh round. Time to end it all.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Suzume tells Nao and Kaoru. "I'll be back."

Kaoru finishes his card trick, holding up a club card, clear enough for Botan to see, who grabs two bags of food; Kaoru's suit is hearts.

"You're diamonds," Nao tells Kaoru.

He smiles lightly. His theory about Botan is confirmed. "Nao... I know who the Jack is."

She leans closer, whispering, "Who?"

"Don't look too obviously. It's that guy in the corner of the room. With two bags. The one named Botan."

Slowly, she nods. "Okay... do we tell Suzume?"

"Yeah, we'll tell her when she gets back."

That exact thing happens a few minutes later, and Kaoru tells both Suzume and Nao the truth about their suits.

"If you're right, then this is the last round." Nao smiles widely. "Can you show me another trick?"

"Of course. Hold a card in mind, yeah? I'm going to read your mind."

Kaoru shuffles the deck with fluid fingers, then picks a card. "Got it."

"That fast?"

"Yeah."

He flips it around. "Is it... this one?"

Nao blinks, surprised. "Yes! How the... how the hell did you know? Is there some kind of psychology behind it?"

"The card fits you," Kaoru says with a shrug. "Keep the card as a good luck charm in the cell."

Her smile is warm. "Thank you."

The familiar beep rings out: they have to get into the cells and call out their suit. Nao takes a deep, shaky breath, and nods at Kaoru, who does the same. Suzume picks at her nails as they walk towards the cells.

●・○・●・○・●

Kaoru and Suzume stare into the cell.

The walls are covered in sprays of blood, some of it still dripping down. Nao lies on the floor, a pool of red around her collar. The card in her hands looks up at them.

"You were right," Suzume says, swallowing.

Kaoru crouches and slips the card from Nao's fingers. It would be a shame to have a deck of cards and miss the Jack of Hearts.

"Her first mistake was getting shot by the King of Spades. When I treated her wound, I noticed something strange about her blood. It was only a matter of time before I realized she had to be one of the face cards," Kaoru mutters.

"We did try to warn her about the fact you can't hide secrets in our group," Suzume responds, a small smile playing on her lips.

Kaoru smiles back. He sticks the Jack of Hearts card in his pocket, gives Botan a thankful nod from a distance, then walks out of the prison with Suzume.

●・○・●・○・●

Suzume and Kaoru return to the sight of Chishiya, Arisu, and Aguni sitting on the steps of the front door, clutched so close that their shoulders are touching. All three of them have glass in their hands: Chishiya a wine bottle, Arisu some cheap, colorful drink, and Aguni whiskey.

"Oh... oh... helloooo." Arisu falls forward, his forehead landing on Kaoru's shoe. "Is that... your girlfriend, Kaede?"

"I'm Kaoru," says Kaoru.

"Ah-ha," Chishiya says triumphantly, slugging through his words. "I knew those names were similar."

Kaoru looks at Aguni. "Are you sober, at least?"

Aguni holds his index finger and thumb close to each other without a word. Kaoru has no idea what the hell that is supposed to mean, so he carefully steps over the three men and pulls Suzume with him, their intertwined fingers tightening around each other.

"Chishiya..." Arisu slurs. "Is it true... that Baya... took your virginity?"

"Yes," Chishiya confirms sleepily.

"Wow... how was it?"

Kaoru slams the door closed to avoid that conversation from assaulting his ears. Inside, however, the chaos is even worse.

He spots Kaede and Shirabi arm wrestling at the table, while Nozomi, Hana, Nanaka, and Kiyoshi cheer excessively. Baya is flat on the ground, murmuring things. Elikai and Renji are in the corner of the room and seem sober enough.

Kaoru rushes over to them. "What's going on here?"

"Someone revealed alcohol, then it all went down," Renji sighs. "How was the—"

"Where's Nao?" Elikai interrupts.

Quickly, Kaoru summarizes the story. He's barely finished explaining it before Suzume pulls him towards the table.

Suzume weaves through the chaos with such ease that Kaoru remembers how much she likes parties.

She glances back at Kaoru, who looks stiff, shoulders too high, jaw locked with tension, like he's expecting something to go terribly wrong at any second.

She pulls him into a seat beside her. "It's a crime that you're twenty-four and have never gotten drunk. I'll take care of you." She uncaps a drink, sniffs, and makes a pleased noise before pouring two shots.

Kaoru eyes them. "What even is this?"

"Raspberry vodka. Don't worry, it won't kill you." She lifts her glass. "We'll start slow."

He stares at the liquid. "Do I just... drink it all at once?"

Suzume laughs. "You sip it if you're afraid, or you take it down in one go like a hero." Her voice lowers teasingly.

He lifts the glass uncertainly, and downs it, fast, then immediately pulls a face that makes Suzume snort.

"Ew," he rasps. "That's awful."

Suzume cackles and pours him another. "Congratulations."

"Do people actually like the taste of this?"

"Not really. They like the way it feels." She clinks her glass to his. "Round two?"

This time he drinks it slower, wincing less. Suzume moves to mix a drink.

"What's this?"

"Soda and a splash of what I just gave you. This'll go down easier."

He takes a sip, then a longer one. "Okay... that's not terrible."

Suzume practically beams. "What a natural."

Around them, the volume continues to rise. Kaede and Shirabi are still locked in the arm wrestling war. Baya begins singing something but quickly devolves into giggles. Arisu's voice booms from outside 'I miss my wife!'.

Suzume nudges Kaoru with her knee under the table. "You okay?"

He nods, cheeks slightly flushed. "It's... nice. Kind of. I don't feel as tense. And the volume is not as annoying when I know my family is just having fun. And I think I'm going to be drunk."

"You're definitely tipsy," she confirms. "Drunk is when you start crying or confessing things you'll regret."

They sit like that for a few minutes, drinks in hand, legs brushing beneath the table.

Eventually, there's a shriek from the kitchen.

Suzume turns her head just in time to see Shirabi and Nozomi crashing into a cabinet, their mouths locked, hands fumbling under clothing, Nozomi half-sitting on the counter while Shirabi groans into her neck.

"They're... they're not even dating," Kaoru stammers.

Suzume just sips her drink. "Happens all the time. People make out and forget about it the next day. Or never talk about it again."

"It feels wrong to drink and be happy—and kiss, apparently—knowing there are people out there playing games. Knowing that Nao..."

"Sh, don't think about it. You knew Nao was a face card. Don't start caring about her, Kaoru. She's not even a real person," Suzume tells him. She hands him another drink. "There you go."

Before Kaoru has the chance to take it, another hand reaches out and grabs it, chugging it down desperately. Kaoru looks down.

Kaede is sitting on the floor, back pressed against the base of the couch, one leg stretched out and the other bent up.

"What are you doing here?"

"Better view," Kaede mutters.

"Of?"

He nods towards Hana. She's sitting a few feet away, laughing at something Nozomi just shouted.

Every time she laughs, he smiles too. She lifts her drink to her lips, and he shifts slightly, just to see her better in the dim lighting. Her hair falls over one shoulder. She brushes it back. Kaede exhales.

Kaoru stands up. "Nowhere is safe. Arisu is outside, talking about virgins. People are kissing in the kitchen. And Kaede..." he doesn't even have words for Kaede. "I'm going to the garden."

Suzume gathers an unholy amount of alcohol in her arms and follows after him.

Kaede continues looking at Hana. At one point, she turns her head and catches him looking. He startles. Looks down. Takes a casual sip of nothing from his empty bottle.

Hana tosses a pillow at him, grins and moves over to sit beside him. Her shoulder touches his arm and he immediately stiffens. Then softens. His breath escapes in a slow, dreamy sigh.

She doesn't notice. She's too busy stealing the bottle from his hand. "Empty," she mutters. "Useless."

Kaede watches her mouth move as she speaks. It's pathetic, the way he watches her.

"Do you want more to drink?" Hana asks.

"I want whatever you're drinking."

She raises a brow. "You sure?"

"Nope."

"Perfect." She hands him her cup without hesitation. "We share everything now."

Kaede blinks at the cup. Then at her. "Do we?"

"Yeah. We're best friends, remember?"

He drinks from it. "Yeah. Best friends." It breaks something in him, the way she says it.

Be bold, Kiyoshi and Shirabi had said.

He straightens up slightly, shifting his posture. Where before he shrank away from touching her too much, now he lets his arm rest behind her on the couch. His fingertips graze the cushion just behind her back. She doesn't seem to notice, so he lets it stay.

"Hey," he says suddenly, tapping her thigh to get her attention.

"Hm?"

"Your hair looks good down."

Hana blinks at him. "What?"

"I said your hair looks good like this. You always tie it up. This is... different. Nice."

She pauses. Then grins. "Are you flirting with me?"

"No," he says quickly. "I mean, maybe."

Hana laughs. "That was a terrible recovery."

"I'm not trying to recover," Kaede says, cheeks warming. "I'm just... saying a thing I noticed."

Hana hums.

Kaede is suddenly, acutely aware of every inch of her beside him. Her shoulder brushing his chest. The scent of her shampoo. His heart tries to climb out of his chest.

She leans over him and plucks another half-empty cup off the table. "You don't have to be so nervous around me, Kaede," she says. "We've known each other forever."

"I'm not nervous."

"You are." She taps his chest gently with the rim of the cup. "It's okay. I think it's kind of sweet."

He watches the way she sips her drink, how her lips curve around the edge of the cup.

"You have glitter in your hair."

Hana gives a small gasp and reaches up. "Where?"

His fingers touch the crown of her head and linger just a second too long, brushing the strand away. Her hair is soft.

"There," he murmurs. "Got it."

Hana is quiet. Staring at him. "Thanks," she says softly.

Shirabi bellows from across the room, "KAORU'S THROWING UP IN THE ROSE BUSHES!"

Hana and Kaede both jump. She snorts into her cup, and Kaede groans.

"Can't even have a moment," he mutters.

As they walk through the house, stepping over someone (Arisu) passed out with a marker mustache, Kaede whispers under his breath: "I meant it. About your hair."

Hana glances at him, smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "I know."

Outside in the garden, Kaoru is on his knees beside the rosebushes.

Suzume stands a few feet away with her arms crossed, looking unbothered. "You are so dramatic," she says.

"I'm dying," Kaoru gasps. "Something's wrong with my spine."

Shirabi is chuckling. "He's fine. Let him rot a little."

"I hate vodka," Kaoru groans, flopping to the side.

Suzume sighs and crouches beside him. "You're a lightweight."

He smiles up at her.

Kaede's jaw tightens. His parents: happily reunited. His best friend: kissing Nozomi. Kaoru: sharing more chemistry with a girl he's known for a few days than Kaede has ever shared with Hana.

Kaede: no progress. The music fades behind him. It all becomes a dull roar the farther Kaede walks from the house. He moves like a ghost, slipping through the gate and down the narrow trail that leads behind the garden, where the woods are.

He stumbles over a tree root and swears under his breath. He wipes at his eyes angrily. He's not crying. He won't. He finds the stash where he left it earlier: his gym bag filled with whatever he could snatch.

He unzips it with trembling hands. Bottles clink together: beer, vodka, rum, something colorful.

He sits on a flat stone beneath the tree, unscrews the first cap, and drinks. And drinks. And drinks. The first bottle burns. He gags. Nearly spits it out. The second one is easier. His mouth is already numb. By the third, he forgets to wince. He finishes a fourth before he even realizes it, then tosses it aside with a dull thud. He fumbles with the next one.

Everything in him feels hollow. His thoughts tangle and snap and repeat.

Best friends. Best friends. Best friends.

He throws the empty bottle into the bushes so hard it shatters.

Another. Another. The world spins sideways. He leans back against the tree trunk. The leaves above him blur into one green smear. His stomach twists, but he pushes it down.

He grabs something sweet-smelling next. He drinks the whole thing. Time blurs. There are mosquitoes. The wind feels too loud. The bottles scatter around him.

"I'd be good to you," he mumbles. "I'd never make you sad. I'd never let you cry alone."

The words don't matter. No one hears them. He says them anyway, over and over. He tries to stand but tips sideways and collapses into the grass with a grunt.

The world sways around him. His heart feels like it's skipping beats. His mouth is dry. His head pounds. The alcohol claws its way through his bloodstream.

He drags the final bottle—or maybe not the final one, but the only one within reach—to his lips and takes a desperate gulp.

"Kaede!" Hana drops to her knees beside his limp body and presses two fingers to his throat. His pulse is fast. His skin is damp with sweat and cold with shock. He smells like alcohol, grass, and a sour, metallic hint that turns her stomach.

She touches his face gently, brushing wet strands of hair away from his forehead. She props him up awkwardly, her arms hooked beneath his, trying to get him to sit up.

He groans.

"Kaede," she whispers. "What did you do?"

His head lolls, chin falling against his chest. He's too tall for her to carry, but she's strong. Her muscles burn as she hauls him to his feet, looping one of his arms over her shoulders, gripping his waist.

He mumbles something as they move.

She barely hears it.

"...I'd be good to you."

She freezes.

Then keeps walking. By the time she gets him inside, up the stairs, and into her room, her shirt is streaked with sweat and his is halfway off. He keeps trying to talk but slurs most of his words. His feet drag on the steps. Once, he collapses against the wall and brings them both down. She hits the floor hard and gasps.

She pulls him into bed, laying him down sideways just in case he throws up. She wedges a pillow behind him to keep him from rolling onto his back. She grabs the trash bin from beside her desk and sets it next to him. Then she takes off his shoes, peels off his sticky shirt, and wipes down his chest and mouth with a cool cloth.

His face twitches. His brows knit. He opens his eyes and looks at her.

"Hana," he slurs, reaching up to touch her face, but his hand misses and lands on her shoulder instead. "You're... pretty. I mean. You're — you."

She smiles and wraps her fingers around his, guiding his hand down. "Shhh. Just rest, Kaede."

"I'd be so good to you," he mumbles. "You don't even know. I'd— I'd listen. Always."

She blinks hard. "Kaede—"

"I'd never lie to you. Never cheat. Never ghost you. Never, ever leave you wondering." His voice cracks. "And I'd remember your favorite everything. I'd wait for you. I'd wait forever. Even if it hurts. Even if you never... even if you never choose me."

Her throat closes up. She kneels beside the bed, her hands trembling as she tucks the blanket around him. "Kaede, you don't mean this. It's just the alcohol," she says, lying to them both.

"Yes I do," he says immediately.

"You're going to hate yourself in the morning," she whispers.

Kaede's eyes flutter shut as he sinks into sleep.

●・○・●・○・●

Hana stays beside him for hours. She checks his pulse every fifteen minutes. Feeds him sips of water when he groans. Wipes sweat from his temple. Cries silently into her knees while he sleeps beside her, because nothing in her life has ever felt this complicated.

He eventually stirs with a groan. "Water," he rasps. His eyes are red.

She grabs the bottle from the nightstand and helps him drink. He coughs a little, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and then looks at her like she's the only person left in the world.

"Why don't you want me?" He murmurs drunkenly.

She stops.

He sits up, too fast. His balance tips. Hana reaches out to steady him.

"Just tell me," he says desperately. "Tell me one reason. Just one. Something wrong with me. Something I said. Something I do. Is it the way I look? The way I talk? Am I too weird? Too soft? Too stupid?"

"Kaede—"

"I love you so much it makes me feel sick." His voice cracks. "And I never say it. I hold it in because you always smile at me like I'm just a friend. But I'm not, Hana. I'm in love with you and I don't know how to kill it."

She flinches.

"I don't want you to say you're sorry." He swallows hard. "Just be honest. Tell me why you don't want me."

"Kaede... it's not about something wrong with you. It never has been."

"Then what?" Tears slip down his cheeks. "Why am I not enough?"

"You're more than enough," she says.

"Then why do you keep choosing not to see me that way?"

She opens her mouth. Closes it again.

"If I were someone else, you'd love me already."

"Don't say that," she whispers. She touches his hand. "I do love you. I just don't know what kind yet. I don't know what's real and what's just... safe."

He looks down. Then away. "I don't want to be safe," he says. "I want to be yours. Please, Hana... if I've done anything I'll fix it. Just tell me what to do." His face is flushed and blotchy, eyes glassy with drunk confusion. "You don't get it. I've been trying to be perfect for you. For years. I know I'm not like the other guys you talk to. I'm not cool, or smooth, or good at pretending I don't care. But I've always tried to be good to you. I never even looked at anyone else. I don't want anyone else." His voice drops. "You're everything to me. Just... tell me why it's not enough."

He reaches out slowly. Hana steps back. Kaede's fingers hover in the space where she used to be.

"Because I don't deserve you."

The silence that follows is deafening. Kaede blinks.

"What...?"

She folds her arms tighter, digging her nails into her own skin. The words have waited years to be said. Since they were children. Since she first realized that Kaede would follow her anywhere, even into the fire.

"You've always seen the best in me," Hana says quietly, "even when there was none to see. Since we were kids, Kaede, you've looked at me like I'm good. And I've let you. It felt safe."

Kaede is frozen. His fingers curl into fists again, but he doesn't speak.

"But I'm not the person you think I am," Hana continues. "I lie. I manipulate people without even meaning to. I make people laugh so they won't look too hard at me. And I know that when you look at me, you see this... this ideal. But it's not real. You're in love with a version of me that doesn't exist."

Kaede swallows hard. His jaw works, but no sound comes out.

"You're the one who's good, Kaede," she whispers. "You never lie. You never hurt people. Even when you're mad. Even when they deserve it. You care too much. You feel too deeply. And you keep trying to give that heart of yours to someone like me."

He finally finds his voice. "You're not bad. You're not."

"You don't see it because you love me," Hana says. "But I see it. I see all the ways I ruin things. I hurt people who don't deserve it. I disappear when it gets hard. And I don't know if I can stop."

"You're not broken," he says. "You're scared. That's all. I can handle that. I can wait."

But Hana is already shaking her head. She lets the tears run. "That's the problem. You say you'll wait. But what if I never change? What if I just... stay like this?"

Kaede opens his mouth. Closes it. His shoulders sag. He whispers, "Then I'll still be here."

She drops to her knees in front of him and buries her face in his lap, sobbing quietly. Kaede's hands hover above her back for a moment before he finally lays them there.

"You shouldn't have to be the one comforting me," she chokes out.

"I don't care," he murmurs. "I just want you to stay."

"That's the thing, Kaede. I don't think I should."

He goes still.

"I need to figure out who I am without you," she whispers. "I don't want to love you just because I'm scared to be without you."

Kaede's voice is barely audible. "But I want you even if you leave and come back. Even if you hurt me sometimes. I still—"

"I know," she says. She lifts her head. "That's what makes this so hard."

"You don't get it, Hana. You're perfect. You're everything. I don't care about anything else— about anyone else. You think you're not good enough? That's insane. You're all I've ever wanted, all I'll ever want. If I could carve out my chest and show you what you are to me, I would."

Hana backs away a step. "Stop saying that. Stop calling me perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm not even good, Kaede. I'm... I'm garbage."

Kaede looks at her as if she's slapped him. "Don't say that. You're not—"

"I am!" Her voice rises. "I'm a horrible person! I'm selfish. I take and take and take until people are empty, and then I throw them away. I've done it to everyone! You think you're different? You're not! One day, I'll do it to you too."

His lips part, but she doesn't let him speak.

"I've used people. I've lied straight to faces that didn't deserve it. You think I'm someone worth loving? You're wrong. I'm a bitch, Kaede. I'm—"

"Stop it—"

"I'm manipulative. I'm rotten. I can't even be honest with myself. I hurt everyone who gets close. I'll ruin you."

Kaede's fists clench on his knees. "You won't ruin me. You couldn't ruin me if you tried. You're everything I want—"

"I'm nothing!" she yells. Her own voice scares her. She chokes on a sob. "I'm nothing but a mess of mistakes. You think I'm worth all this? You think I'm some kind of angel? God, you're such an idiot, Kaede!"

Her words are knives, and each one lands on him. His chest rises and falls too fast. "I love you," he says again. "I don't care what you think you are. I don't care how many mistakes you've made. You're—"

"Shut up! You're pathetic! Look at you... on your knees for someone who doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as you. You're so good, Kaede. So good. And I'm filth. You're wasting yourself on me."

The room is silent for a beat except for Hana's ragged breathing. She presses a hand to her mouth, horrified at the things spilling from her. Her knees buckle, and she sinks down. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "Gosh, I'm sorry. I just—" She sobs. "I hate myself. I hate myself so much."

He leans forward, his shaking hands brushing against her arms. "Don't talk about yourself like that. Please. You're not filth. You're not nothing. I love all of you. Even the parts you hate."

But Hana just shakes her head again, muttering bitterly, "You don't get it. You love a lie. You love what you think I am. If you really knew me—if you really saw me—you'd run."

"I'm not running." He cups her face, forcing her to look at him. "No matter what you say. No matter how cruel you are to yourself. I'm still here."

More tears spill. "Then you're a fool," she whispers, "because I don't deserve you. I never will."

Kaede's breath hitches as Hana pulls away from his hands. Her face contorts with something darker. "You don't get it. I'm not just flawed. I'm disgusting. I'm the kind of person who smiles at people's faces and prays for them to fail behind their backs. I've wanted people to get hurt just so I could feel like the better one. You think I'm kind? I'm not. I'm a selfish, jealous, cruel monster." Her hands curl into fists so tight her knuckles go white. "I use people. All the time. I've used you."

"No—"

"Yes!" she screams. "You're the idiot who always comes back, no matter how awful I am. I've taken your love, your loyalty, and I've wrung it out like it's nothing! Because I'm weak, and I don't know how to stand on my own without you."

He tries to reach for her again, but she smacks his hand away, trembling.

"You keep saying I'm perfect," she spits, "but I'm not. I'm trash. I've lied to you. Who does that to someone they care about? Who does that to you?"

Kaede looks shattered. "You don't mean that, Hana. Not really. You're drunk on anger right now—"

"I'm sober enough to know what I am," she cuts in. "I'm a liar. I'm manipulative. I'd ruin anyone stupid enough to love me. I'd ruin you."

"You won't ruin me. You can't."

"One day, I'll tear you apart without even trying. And you'll still thank me for it. That's how pathetic you are. I'm not worth loving, Kaede," she says, shaking. "I'm not worth anything. I should be alone. I should rot alone. Because at least then I won't hurt anyone else."

Kaede's face twists. He grips her shoulders. "Don't you dare say that. Don't you ever say that about yourself."

"It's true."

"It's not. I don't care what you've done or what you think you are. I see you, Hana. All of you. And even when you're cruel, I—" His voice breaks. "I still love you. I do."

She pushes at him. "Don't. Don't love me. I don't want it. I don't deserve you."

He grabs her wrists, stopping her from hitting his chest. "But I choose you anyway. Even when you're at your worst."

She looks at him like he's insane. "Why? Why would you love someone this... disgusting?"

Kaede leans in, forehead pressing to hers. "I know the real you. I've seen the girl who'd give her last piece of bread to someone who's starving. The girl who stayed up all night with me when your mom was in the hospital, even though you were sick yourself. You can hate yourself all you want, Hana, but I won't."

"You don't understand," Hana chokes. "I'm selfish. I'm cruel. I hurt people just to feel like I'm not the weakest one in the room. I'm worthless, Kaede. I am nothing but a broken, disgusting, useless piece of shit. I ruin everything I touch," Hana spits. Her nails pierce into his arms out of the desperate need to push him away. "I'm a goddamn parasite. I take and I take and I take, and I give nothing back. I'm rotten. I'm poison. You'd be better off if I died."

"Don't you dare," Kaede grunts. "Don't you ever say that again."

"Why? It's true!" Her voice cracks into another scream. "I hate myself! I hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I—" She pounds her fist against her own chest. "I hate this heart. This pathetic thing that only ever wants things it can't have and destroys everything it gets. I don't deserve to breathe the same air as someone like you. I'm a monster."

Kaede grabs her face. "Stop it. Stop tearing yourself apart. You're not a monster."

"I am," she hisses. "You just don't see it because you're too good, too stupidly kind to see the truth. I've lied to you. I've left you all. And I'd probably do it again because I'm that fucked up. Who the hell could love something like me?"

"I can," Kaede repeats, "and I do."

She shakes her head violently. "You shouldn't. You're pathetic for loving me. You should hate me, Kaede. I hate me."

"You can curse and spit and call yourself every ugly name in the book, but I won't let you make me hate you. I know you. I've seen you at your worst, Hana, and I'm still here."

"Why? Why the hell would you stay for someone this broken?"

"Because I love every piece," Kaede whispers back. "Even the pieces you think are unlovable. Especially those."

She sobs, wrenching against him, but his arms hold her tightly. "I'm not worth it. I'm not worth you. You should throw me out and never look back."

"Not happening. I'll hold you, even when you scream that you don't want me to. I'll hold you until you remember how to love yourself."

She breaks down again, screaming curses into his chest, calling herself every vile thing she can think of.

Hana rips away from his hands, pacing. Her hair sticks to her damp face, her eyes wild. "You don't get it, Kaede! You're in love with something that doesn't exist! I'm garbage. I'm the kind of person who smiles sweetly while thinking the worst shit about people. I'm manipulative, I'm mean, I—"

"Stop—"

"I've used people! I've used you! I've kept you around because I knew you'd always crawl back no matter how bad I hurt you. And you did. Every time. Like a pathetic dog waiting for scraps. Do you even hear yourself? Do you have any self respect?"

He sees through it. He sees the terror under her anger. She's not trying to hurt him. She's trying to hurt herself.

"You're in love with a mask, Kaede! With a version of me I built just to keep people from seeing how ugly I really am. You think I'm kind? I'm not. I'm a parasite. All I do is take. I take your kindness, your love, your patience—and I give you nothing but pain. I'll never love you the way you love me. Because I'm not built to love anyone! I'm too broken, too fucked up, too selfish, too—"

"Shut up." He steps forward, eyes blazing. "I will not let you talk about yourself like that. Do you hear me? You don't get to stand there and tell me the girl I've loved my whole life is worthless. Because she's not. You're not."

"Kaede—"

"No! I know you think you're some monster, but you're not. Do you think I don't see the things you do when no one's watching? The way you stay up with people when they're hurting? The way you protect everyone like it's your job to keep the world spinning? That's not selfish.

"And even if you were broken—even if every awful thing you just said was true—I would still choose you. I would choose you a thousand times. Because you're worth it. Even when you don't see it. Especially when you don't see it."

The tears start again. "Stop... don't—"

"You want me to hate you? I can't. I won't. You could scream every cruel name in the world and it wouldn't change the fact that you are the most extraordinary person I have ever known. And if you can't see that, I'll see it for you. Every day. Until you believe me."

Hana shakes her head, sobbing. Kaede pulls her in, pressing her face to his chest. "You don't get to call the person I love worthless."

"I'm not good," she chokes. "I'm not—"

"You are," Kaede says. "You're good. You're messy and stubborn and wild and real, and you're my favorite person in the entire world. I don't care if you believe it right now, but I do. I love you."

"Stop saying that," she sobs, pounding against his chest. "I don't deserve it. I'll ruin you—"

"You can't ruin me," he whispers. "You're the only thing that's ever saved me."

Hana pulls back from Kaede's arms so suddenly that he almost loses his balance. She shoves at his chest again.

"Stop. Just stop, Kaede. You keep saying these things like they'll fix me. Like you can just pour all your love into me and magically I'll stop being... this. But you don't get it. You don't."

"Then help me understand."

"You can't!" she snaps. "I'm not someone you can save. I'm not worth saving!" She shoves him again, harder this time. "I will hurt you. I have hurt you! I'll ruin you the way I ruin everyone who gets too close. So just... go. Leave me the hell alone."

"No," Kaede says simply.

"Of course. You're too stubborn. You can't even leave when I'm telling you I'll destroy you."

"You won't."

"I will!" Hana wails. "You think I'm some soft, fragile thing? I'm not. I'm ugly, Kaede. I'm cruel. Do you want me to spell it out for you? I'm a selfish bitch who uses people, who says things I don't mean. I'm not good. I'm not worth your stupid devotion. I'm—"

"Hana."

"—a fucking piece of shit who will never be what you deserve, never be the person you think I am, because—"

"Hana!" He screams. Kaede steps closer until he's right in front of her. "You can't tell me what I deserve."

She tries to twist away. He doesn't let her.

"I've seen you angry, I've seen you cruel, I've seen you at your ugliest moments, and I still choose you. I choose all of it. All of you."

"Don't say that. You're supposed to hate me. You're supposed to hate me so I don't feel like this anymore."

"I could never hate you."

"Then I'll make you. I'll say things so horrible you'll have no choice. You want to know the truth? You're pathetic, Kaede. Pathetic for loving me. A real man would have given up on me years ago. You're weak. You're—"

He pulls her into his chest, cutting her off mid-sentence.

She pounds at him with her fists, but he doesn't let go. "You can scream all you want," Kaede murmurs against her hair, "but I'm not leaving you."

"Let me go!" She shoves at him. "I'm not worth it! I'll ruin you! I'll—"

"I'm not going anywhere, even if you hate me for it."

They sink to the floor again, both of them shaking. Hana sobs into his shirt, clutching it.

"I hate you," she whispers. "I hate you so much. You're so stupid. You're so idiotically selfless. You're such a... such an asshole for making me feel this way!"

She tears herself out of Kaede's arms and stands up. He follows her example.

She hits his chest with the base of her palms, as if she's trying to shove all the love out of him. "Stop it! Stop loving me!" Another blow. Then another."You don't get it! You can't keep—" She slams her fists against him. "I'm poison, Kaede! I'll kill everything good in you!"

"Hit me all you want," he says hoarsely. "If that's what you need. I'll take it."

"Stop saying that!" she screams, punching him again. Her knuckles crash against his collarbone this time. Kaede winces but doesn't step back. "Why won't you hate me?! Why won't you just hate me?!"

"Because I love you."

"I hate you!" Hana screams and hits him again, this time with both fists, hammering at his chest until he stumbles back a step. Her tears are blinding her, her breaths coming in gasps. Her palms are starting to redden, and so is his chest.

"Why would you let me do this to you?" she chokes. "I'm hurting you."

"Because you're hurting worse," he says.

She lets out a scream and shoves him with all her strength. He hits the wall behind him, pain shooting through his back.

Hana collapses onto him. "You idiot," she sobs. "You stupid, stubborn idiot. Why do you love me? Why can't you just walk away like everyone else? Why—"

He grabs her wrists mid-swing. "Because you are the only thing I want. Even when you're like this. Especially when you're like this."

She stares at him. His chest is heaving, his collarbone bruised, his lip bleeding from where she hit him.

Hana collapses. "I don't deserve you," she whispers again.

Kaede's arms wrap around her. "You don't get to decide that,"

Her fists go limp against Kaede's chest, sliding down until they hang uselessly at her sides. She's trembling all over.

"Easy," he murmurs.

She shakes her head weakly. "I'm disgusting... I ruin everything... I'm not worth—"

Kaede cuts her off with a single look, his hand cupping the side of her face with the softest touch, his thumb brushing away tears she can't stop. "Don't say that. Don't you dare say that about yourself."

She tries to argue, but her voice cracks. Kaede shifts his arm under her knees, lifting her effortlessly. He carries her to the bed and sets her down as though she's porcelain. When he joins her, he pulls her into his chest, his arms wrapping around her. She keeps murmuring cruel things about herself.

Kaede kisses the top of her head. "Sleep," he whispers. "I've got you. You don't have to fight anymore."

Hana lets her eyes fall shut, murmuring a final broken 'I don't deserve you' against his chest.

●・○・●・○・●

🂱 A/N: ...

Anyway to lighten the mood, I'm probably publishing my Arisu fanfic tomorrow (the 26th of July!). It's called "Torpe".

Sigh I completely understand if people don't like Hana but to those who say "I never liked Hana/I've always hated her"... what has that 6 year old girl done to you 😭

ALSOOOO I'm sorry if you're disappointed about me not making Nozomi and Kaoru a thing, but I promise they're really just best friends and always have been

I can't 100% confirm if I'll make Nozomi and Shirabi a thing... they're just the kinda people to randomly hook up ngl?...

And this is frying me omg HAHAH

I have gathered a few Kaede pics to lighten the mood hold up

Get it Queen

It took me a moment to figure out which one is Kento (Arisu) and which one is Ryusei (Kaede)

BOOM SHAKALAKAAAAA

He is the finest guy I've ever seen oml