━ ❝ JANUARY 19, 2014

Y/N's POV

            Flash backward to January 19, 2014.

Now, I remembered everything. The doctor said that my problem with recalling recent memories I have is bound to happen on me every time. He said that next time, I might have the inability to concentrate or find the right words, acting out - no patience or tolerance, and loss of inhibitions - saying or doing things that are not appropriate for the situation. I will also have problems with my vision and hearing, or become nauseous and started vomiting or passing out.

I got a brain tumor.

My Mom and I were shocked when we heard it. It feels like I lost my will to live already. Is still there a future waiting for me? Will I still be able to watch Tooru conquer the volleyball court? Will I still be able to reach my dreams? Am I going to die?

Surgery is my only hope.

"Surgery is the removal of the tumor and some surrounding healthy tissue during an operation. It is usually the first treatment used for a brain tumor. It is often the only treatment needed for a low-grade brain tumor. Removing the tumor can improve neurological symptoms, provide tissue for diagnosis and genetic analysis, help make other brain tumor treatments more effective, and, in many instances, improve the prognosis of a person with a brain tumor."

It's not accurate, of course. The doctors will be able to remove the tumor but I might be diagnosed with other diseases, and they said that I might suffer from memory loss and sudden change of moods. The tumor might come back too and if it happens, I'll be good as dead.

My Mom is sobbing beside me as I caressed her back. I'm not yet dying, there is still hope. We can pray for it to be successful, so we don't have to weep. I tried to smile.

"Don't worry, Mom. I'll be fine."

She looked at me before she buried her face on my neck. "I don't want to lose you, darling. I don't want to lose you in the same way how I lost your father."

My heart aches. "I'll be fine, we'll do the surgery, right?"

"But–"

"Shh," I closed my eyes as tears escaped from it. "I don't care what happens next, as long as I'll be able to live longer, I'm okay with that."

"Will you confess this matter to Tooru–"

"No."

I let go from the embrace, looking at my mom with pure intent on my eyes. I will never say this to him. I don't want to worry him, I don't want to be a hindrance. I don't want him to get stressed or anything. I can handle this on my own, he doesn't need to be on my side.

I shook my head. "Never."

"But Y/N–"

"My decision is already absolute, Mom. He'll be freaked out, he'll start to worry about me and I don't want that to happen. I want him to focus on his life, on his career."

My mother looked at me like she was pitying me. Like she was disgusted about everything I just told her. I know, I know I'm wrong. I know I should confess this to Oikawa but this doesn't matter him, okay? He should be out of this issue.

"Sweetheart, I–" 

She was suddenly interrupted when the door of my hospital room suddenly burst open, revealing a tall figure of a teenage boy. He looked as if he was in a rush. His hair is messy and his polo isn't properly buttoned.

Tears suddenly clouded my vision. "Tooru..."

He dropped all his belongings before rushing to my side, giving me a tight hug. Teardrops streamed down my face as I felt his familiar warmth around my body. It's so calming. His hands caressed my hair as I felt his breath on my neck, sending thousands of volts on my whole system.

"Y/N, I'm glad you're okay."

I faked a chuckle. "Of course, I'll be okay, Tooru."

He let go before kneeling in front of me, face painted with worry and concern. When is the last time I saw him like that towards me? When is the last time he was worried about me? I can't seem to remember those precious days anymore.

"Will you be able to go home today?"

I blinked twice as my breath hitched. Oh my God, how can I answer him? I chuckled nervously, putting a hand on top of his head before patting it.

"T-The doctor told me that I have to stay here for a couple of days, but don't worry, I'll be getting back on my normal shape in no time."

"Okay, okay." He calmed down, gathering his belongings on the floor.

My Mom entertained him as he told us about the fruits he brought me. As well as the graham dessert that his mother made for me because she knew it was my favorite. As we're in the middle of watching a movie on his laptop (because he doesn't want me to get bored), he suddenly stirred beside me as he paused the video.

"A-Are you okay, Tooru?"

He looked at me hesitantly. "I have something to tell you, Y/N."

I nodded. "What is it?"

He caught my shaking hands before looking at me directly in the eyes, making my heart beat faster than ever. I drowned on his mesmerizing eyes as I smiled involuntarily. It's been a while since we've been this close.

"I'm going overseas to continue my studies."

Tooru suddenly blurted out, leaving my mouth wide open. I don't want to believe my ears at first, I thought I was just hearing things again.

"W-When?"

"After graduation."

I blinked twice as I tried to catch my breath. That's good, yes, that's good. Why? Because he won't see me after the surgery. He won't worry about me anymore. He won't worry about my health. Yes, isn't that great, Y/N? He'll be able to focus on his dreams and he'll be a great player.

A tear escaped from my eye as my shaky hand landed on his cheek.

"I'm so happy for you, Tooru."

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            💌: Do you how happy I am when I heard you're going to study abroad? It'll be easier for you to reach your dreams, but I'm so sorry for not telling you the real state I'm in, that I'm going to undergo surgery. I don't want to worry you. Promise, I'll be fine. One of the reasons why I'm writing this letter is because I might not be able to remember you again. Right now, you're probably playing on the international court as a star player.

I want to see you again, Tooru. Before it's too late.

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