CHAPTER FORTY

FALLING — HARRY STYLES
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left

DECEMBER, 1994.
SEVEN MONTHS BEFORE.

LUKE WASN'T A bad student. He was actually pretty decent, he just cared more about his music than his grades. He didn't try as hard as he could and everyone from his teachers to his parents knew it. He was so confident that his music would take off that he didn't think he'd need to succeed in school. If it weren't for Olivia and Alex repeatedly reminding him to do his homework, he would've flunked out a year ago.

Olivia, on the other hand, was comfortable with her position of being fourth in her class, just behind Alex. Her mother never let her forget how important her education was. Knowledge was the one thing that couldn't be stolen from you and this belief had been instilled in her since childhood. Unlike Luke, who would gladly sacrifice his high school education for his music, Olivia made it one of her priorities. She wanted to finish school before dedicating all of her time and energy into the band.

It was this appreciation for learning that made Olivia help Luke with his homework in the first place. It was beneficial for both parties—Luke did better in school and Olivia got to solidify her understanding. Along with driving lessons and Sunday lunches, study sessions became a part of their routine (whether they stayed study sessions depended on their moods that day). It was also a way for Luke to avoid his parents as lately they've been getting into more and more fights.

It was a Wednesday evening in early December. The air had gotten cool, but Olivia's bedroom window was wide open. The draft was a reminder of how Luke came to be in her room, laying on his stomach at the foot of her bed.

They had been studying for their upcoming midterms, and for a while, they actually managed to stay on task. It wasn't until Luke started groaning about being bored that they decided to take a break.

Olivia stood in front of her mirror, collecting her hair to put into a bun. She was going on about the events of the day before when Alex picked his sister up from her house. Mikey took it as the perfect opportunity to ask him if he could date Kat and Alex's reaction wasn't one he expected.

"And while Alex is interrogating Mikey like he's a criminal, Kat's looking at me like I'm her guardian angel, asking me to stop him." She laughed, remembering the pleading look from the younger girl. Her smile was wiped off her face when the hair tie she was stretching snapped and hit the back of her hand. "Oh, shoot. My hair tie broke." She turned to Luke. "Can you get me another one? There's some in the top drawer of my desk."

Luke smiled at her for a moment, taking in the scene before him. His girlfriend's hair was in a messy clump on the top of her head, flattened by her hand. Stray wisps fell in her face and every few moments, she'd scrunch her nose because of it. He wished he had his video camera so he could keep this sight forever.

"Anything for you, pretty girl." He pulled himself out of his thoughts and got up from her mattress. He opened the first drawer he saw, which just so happened to be the wrong one. Instead of extra hair ties, he found a stack of pamphlets for something he didn't even know Olivia was interested in.

"Hey..." He called, turning around with the papers in hand. There was a frown set firmly on his face. "What are these?"

"What are wha... Oh, those." Olivia's voice faded into the suddenly tense air as she saw what he was holding up. Her hand dropped and her hair fell down her back. "Those are college brochures."

Luke raised a brow at her as he stood up. "Yeah, I can see that," he said dryly, tossing the pamphlets onto her bed. "Why do you have them?"

She shrugged, avoiding his gaze. She felt guilt wash over her like a tidal wave. It was like she was a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar only hours before dinner. "I went to that assembly the guidance councillors held a month or two ago. They handed them out."

"No." He shook his head. "I mean, why are you even considering going to college when we have the band?"

Olivia took a shaky breath. She anticipated this argument, it was inevitable. Luke expected her to focus on the band full time after graduation. That's what the band talked about and that's what they agreed to do as a unit.  But they didn't know—Luke didn't know how doubtful she had been feeling lately and she thought that she'd have more time to explain her feelings to him. If she had more time, she could make him understand her lack of confidence.

Taking a step forward, she reached for his hand. Her strong resolve faltered when he took a step back. "I was going to tell you," she promised. "But you've had a lot going on with your parents and I didn't want to add to it, and I thought I had more time—"

"Olivia," Luke interrupted, wanting her to get to the point.

"Luke, it's just—" She sighed deeply, not knowing how to word her frustrations so he could understand how trapped she felt. She felt like she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

On one hand, she felt like she needed to go to university. She couldn't tell if it was because of her mom bringing it up in conversation every so often or because it was the societal norm to go to college after high school, but she felt like if she didn't go, she'd be missing out on a universal experience and a chance to grow.

On the other hand was her music. She had already agreed to dedicate all of her time to the band after graduation and she didn't want to go back on her word. The boys were her family and she didn't want to let them down. If she went to college, she'd be abandoning them in a sense. Sure, they'd still be able to play shows at night and on the weekends, but she'd be holding the group back. She couldn't do that to them. And she loved performing. It was her thing. The one thing she was born to do.

She was trapped between two things she valued—knowledge and music. Above all, she didn't want to let anyone down.

"We've been playing clubs for the past six months, but we're no closer to playing the Orpheum than when we started. I can't wait for our big break or whatever luck we have to come around forever." She saw betrayal flash across his face and she quickly tried to reassure him. "Even if I apply and I get in somewhere, I don't I have to go. I'm only considering it, I just want to keep my options open."

Luke almost flinched at her words. Whenever he and his parents got into fights about his future, they always said the same thing. The phrase I just want you to keep your options open was always immediately followed by them discouraging his dreams. They didn't believe in him and hearing those words from Olivia, of all people, hurt more than anything he ever knew.  

He tugged his hand out of her grasp and shook his head at her. Letting out a humourless laugh, he crossed the room. He couldn't even look at her. "I-I can't believe you right now."

Olivia ignored the sinking feeling in her chest and followed after him. "I still have a few months to decide," she stated, almost pleadingly. She knew she said the wrong thing, but it was too late to take it back. "Can we just take a second and— Luke, can you at least look at me?"

"I thought you believed in us!" Luke exclaimed as he spun around. His emotions were swirling into a tornado and it was headed straight for her. "In the band, in our music!"

"I do!" Olivia shouted, matching his tone. She was almost offended that he would even say such a thing. She believed in the band, maybe not as much as she used to, but she still believed that they were something special. It was other people who didn't. People that mattered, like managers and music execs and every other important industry worker that they had come into contact with, didn't believe in them and that was the problem. 

"Clearly you don't if you're making an escape plan," he scoffed with a glare.

"That is not what I'm doing and you know that."

At this point, their argument was so heated that Sylvia and Mikey, who were downstairs in the kitchen and had no idea that Luke was even in the house, were sharing concerned looks.

Luke's jaw clenched and all he could feel was hurt. It was raging inside of him like a merciless storm. Olivia was the one person in the entire world that if she said they would make it, he would wholeheartedly believe her. He thought that she wanted this as badly as he did. He thought that she had faith in their music, but here she was, perfectly fine with a future without it. He couldn't help but think that she'd be fine without him. And maybe that's why he was so upset. It felt like she was giving up on him.

"You know what?" He looked to the side, not wanting to see the way her face would fall at his words. "Maybe we should just pause."

That familiar sinking feeling in Olivia's chest got heavier. "You... You mean pause this conversation, right?"

"No, Olivia." He looked anywhere but her. "I mean us."

She could feel anxiety climbing up her windpipe, gripping it hard so she could no longer breathe. Luke had her heart in his hands and for the first time since they started dating, she was scared that he'd break it. He promised he'd never leave. "You want to break up?"

Luke's eyes darted to meet hers and he felt a pang of guilt when he saw the tears starting to pool in her eyes. "No. No, no, no. I don't want to break up."

Olivia crossed her arms over her chest. "Then what are you saying? Because it sounds like that's exactly what you want."

His anger was wearing with time and he gave a sigh of defeat. "I just think we should take a break until you figure out what you want."

"Figure out what I want?" Olivia repeated incredulously. "What is that supposed to mean?"

She seemed to have forgotten that Luke knew her better than she knew herself. It was obvious to him that she was conflicted about the situation and that she was thinking about what other people wanted rather than what she truly desired.

Maybe if his judgement wasn't clouded by his passion for music, his stubbornness, and all of the hurt he was feeling then he would be able to calm his own frustrations and stop their argument before it was too late.

Without missing a beat, he replied, "It means I feel like I don't even know you anymore!"

And just like that, they were back to yelling.

She scoffed. "Okay, now you're just being dramatic."

"I'm serious, Olivia." He felt like everything was slipping right out of his hands. "I thought you wanted this! We had a plan! You, me, the guys, we agreed to put our all into this! You knew it wasn't going to be easy and now you're just giving up?"

"I am not giving up, Luke!"

"If that were true, you wouldn't have those college brochures."

There was a heavy silence that blanketed the lavender coloured room.

In the entirety of their friendship, Olivia and Luke had never fought like this. They were both stubborn and passionate, which was a dangerous combination that dragged their petty fights out, but none of their past arguments were ever this painful.

With heavy breaths and pained expressions, all they could do was stare at each other. The five feet between them felt like five thousand, and they had never felt so disconnected.

Not wanting to stick around any longer, Luke stepped around her and grabbed his bag.

Olivia watched as he headed for the door.

"Luke, wait," she called, voice filled with exhaustion, "where are you going?"

She didn't want him to leave. She didn't want to brace herself for a goodbye. She would rather sit with him in pained silence than be without him.

"You were right, Olivia," he said, paused in the doorway. He spared her a pained glance. "About people waking up one day and not wanting you. It is scary."

With his words hung in the air, he walked out of her bedroom.

Olivia's heart was slowly breaking and there was a prickling feeling in the corners of her eyes. She had no idea if they were broken up or on a break, what the difference between the two was or if they could even work through this.

All she could think about was how he left through the door when her window was wide open.

RAE SPEAKS !
the way luke called her olivia instead of one of her nicknames is how you know he's cross with her