LI. What Is Grief, if Not Love Persevering?


CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

GHOST OF YOU — 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER
If I can dream long enough
You'd tell me I'd be just fine

JULY 26, 1995.
FOUR DAYS AFTER.

THE FIRST FUNERAL Olivia attended was Reggie's.

The wake was held in a funeral home by the ocean, which she knew Reggie would've loved. The service was short and sweet. She wasn't asked to speak. His parents were on their best behaviour for the most part, only arguing and placing blame on each other as they exited the cemetery. She could hear Reggie's voice in her head telling her to stop being so negative, but even he would know that their marriage would never survive this.

The next was Alex's.

It was a lovely service, but Alex would've hated it. The colour scheme of the flowers was one he disliked and the pews of the church were filled with family members who condemned him when he was alive. His parents decided to bury him in a catholic cemetery in a last ditch attempt to 'save him', as Kat angrily confided when they walked through the perfectly trimmed grass together. The thirteen year old's resolve deteriorated halfway through her eulogy and she dissolved into a puddle of tears. No one made a move to comfort her, so Olivia got up and wrapped her in her arms. Alex's cousin, Eloise, finished the speech for her.

The final funeral was Luke's.

Before this week, Olivia had never been to a funeral. The only one she would've gone to was her grandfather's on her mother's side, but he passed away before she was born. She was a stranger to grief. So consequently, she had no idea how to write a eulogy.

When Emily and Mitch reached out to her, asking if she could speak at the service, she said yes, but she had no idea what to say. She couldn't write anymore, not without Luke. He made her a better writer and now, anything she wrote ended up in the trash. No praise would do justice to the life Luke lived, to the impact he left. He couldn't fit onto a piece of paper. Maybe that's why she wrote so many songs about him. She'd be writing songs about him for the rest of her life.

Olivia spent the night before the funeral in the garage, sitting in silence as she scribbled down insufficient phrases until the early sunrise. She hated the studio now. All it did was remind her of who she lost, but staying in the studio was the only way she could be close to them.

Now, she sat in the studio again. Except this time, she was wearing a pretty black dress and staring at a letter she wrote to Luke with the intention of reading it out loud at the service. Her smudged handwriting heavily resembled his and was paired with tear stains.

The sound of the garage door opening caused her to look up. Mikey stood in the doorframe dressed in his best suit, staring at her with a tired expression. He tried his best to keep his focus on her, not wanting to look at the room his honorary brothers spent all their time in.

"Mom told me to come get you," he mumbled, fidgeting with the end of his tie. It was the same one Luke wore to graduation.

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. She folded the lined piece of paper and pushed against her knees, standing on her feet. Her eyes landed on the pile of Luke's clothes that were still on the floor and she faltered. Her resolved cracked. She tore her eyes away and joined Mikey's side.

Before they got into the car, Olivia headed to her neighbours garden and stole a single dahlia.

The drive to the cemetery was long, not in distance, but in the way the days after Luke's death were long. A lot of energy was needed for Olivia to simply sit there and wait. A part of her wanted to cry, another part wanted to scream, and another part wanted to sleep forever. She was drained, but going to three funerals in three days would do that to a person.

As she walked through the gravestones, she could see all of the familiar faces who came to celebrate the fallen member of Sunset Curve. Allie, Miss Taylor, CJ from AV club, Sonny, even Harmony Lane was there with downcast expressions.

They all stared at her with pity and offered their condolences.

Olivia took her place between Emily and Bobby. One hand held the older woman's for comfort and the other hand laid on top of Bobby's, which was resting on her shoulder.

The entire service, all Olivia could do was stare at the casket covered in front of her. Among the sea of flowers, her eyes could pick out the single dahlia she had placed over where she thought Luke's heart would be.

Words were said, tears were shed, and then it was time for the eulogies.

Emily and Mitch went first, riddled with guilt and regret as they tearfully said goodbye to their only child. Emily couldn't get two sentences out before she became inconsolable and Mitch had to take over.

Bobby went next, telling tales about their brotherhood.

And then it was Olivia's turn.

She walked up to the podium with her letter clutched in her grasp and let out a shaky breath, glancing up at the overcast sky. 

The sky reminded her of Luke and that night in Griffith Park. Except this time, the feeling of weightlessness was no longer there. It was the feeling of heartache that replaced it. It was so heavy that it pulled her soul down out of her body and through the dirt, until it was six feet under where her heart resided in an early grave.

Olivia's eyes fell onto the crowd. Some people were stoic, others were crying.

It was then that she decided not to read her letter. The letter was for Luke, no one else, and funerals were for the living. So she decided to improvise.

"Hi," she began, "um... My name is Olivia Montez, I am Luke's bandmate, and one of his best friends, and... and he was the star-crossed love of my life."

"I didn't really know what to write in my eulogy and everything I did write, to be honest with you, was complete garbage." Her bluntness caused an airy chuckle to ripple through the cemetery. "Luke was always the one who made my writing better. He was good at that—bringing out the best in people, showing them that their greatness was there all along."

"Luke had this philosophy that he followed: Live your life like it's now or never. Have no regrets because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. And while his philosophy did get him in trouble from time to time, it made for some of the best memories. And Luke, he—" She glanced at the enlarged picture of him, her chest tightening at his smile, forever immortalized. "All he wanted to do was leave a legacy. Make connections with people, make them smile, bring a little joy to their lives. His last moments were filled with so much excitement and love, because he spent his life doing the one thing he was born to do with the people he was born to do it with. Wherever he may be, he knows how loved he is. Both by you and by me. And he knows that his memory— that his legacy will live on forever through us, because he's a legend and legends never die."

Olivia stepped away from the podium, but before she could return to her spot between Bobby and Emily, she stopped by the casket and tucked her letter under the lonely dahlia.

The rest of the service was a blur. The casket was lowered into the ground and covered in dirt. The people left for the Pattersons' house. But Olivia remained in her spot, frozen and staring at the engraved stone.

"Livy," her mother gently called, touching her arm, "we're going to ride with Emily and Mitch. Will you be okay to drive?"

Olivia took the car keys from her mom and nodded. "Yeah, I'm just going to stay back for minute."

She watched as Sylvia left, taking Mikey with her. Her eyes shifted and she could see Bobby talking to a reporter at the gates of the cemetery. Behind them were a few fans, waiting to pay their respects.

"This is the fourth reporter Bobby's talked to this week," she started, turning to the headstone, "Every time I ask him about it, he turns into more of an ass than he already is."

"Jason always painted you out to be an ass," she remembered with a slightly amused huff. "Did you know he was crying? I mean the guy was a dick to you for most of high school and now he wants to act like you were besties. And I can hear your voice in my head poking fun at him, and it sucks because I know it's just grief. It's just a figment of my imagination. It's not really you, even though I wish it was. And I'm terrified that I'm going to forget it... your voice."

"Sometimes I catch myself wishing I never got detention that day. Or that I never went to Sonny's when you put that note in my locker. Anything to save me from this monster of pain that I've felt the last couple days." She looked up at the sky, not wanting the tears that looked in her eyes to fall. "But if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. You're worth all the pain."

Her eyes scanned the inscription staring back at her. Another wave of grief came to knock her off her feet.

Precious Are the Memories of
LUKE PATTERSON
The Song Ended, But the Melody Lives On

"He loved you, you know. Ever since he was a kid." 

Olivia turned to see Mitch walking up to her. He joined her side with a nostalgic smile.

"I remember him coming home one day after school, bouncing off the walls, talking about some girl in his class. 'Olivia Montez,' he said, 'she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen!' We heard about you for weeks and even more after you started the band. You made him happy, especially when we couldn't. I can't thank you enough."

Olivia matched his sad smile. "Luke didn't have many regrets in life, but running out on you and Emily was one of them."

The older man wallowed in his own regret for a moment before changing the subject.

"We were in Luke's room and we found this." He handed her Luke's video camera. "You might want to watch it."

She looked own at it in disbelief. He must've left it at home when he ran away. "Thank you," was all she said.

He nodded and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll see you back at the house."

Olivia waited until she was alone to watch the videos. When she did, her breath got caught in the back of her throat and she almost dropped the camcorder.

Videos of the band played on the tiny screen of the camera. Moments captured over the past year and a half when they were alive and happy. Tears swelled in her eyes as she watched them. Clip after clip, her life flashed before her.


"Dude, she's coming!" Luke hissed at Bobby. The camera shook for a moment before it turned into the direction of the cafeteria doors. Olivia walked in looking very confused. "Happy birthday to you!"

"Oh god," she said, covering her hands with her face as the rooms got louder. Her cheeks grew hot and a grin fought its way across her lips.

"Happy birthday to you!"

Alex got her attention and pointed her disposable camera in her face. "Olivia, smile!"

"Happy birthday, dear Olivia!"

Luke took a lighter from Bobby's free hand and hopped down from the bench. He carefully picked up the cupcake and lit the candle, slowly making his way towards the girl.

"Happy birthday to you!"

As the cafeteria cheered, Luke gave Olivia a starry eyed look paired with his signature smile. "Make a wish, trouble."


Reggie, Alex, and Bobby were hanging out in the studio theorizing where Luke and Olivia could be. The couple in question walked through the door and the camera zoomed in on them.

Olivia strolled up to Reggie, who was holding the camera, and leaned forward. "You do know this is supposed to be our day off, right?"

Bobby rolled his eyes and got up from the couch. "Days off are for people who hate what they do." He placed his guitar on a nearby stand. "Where were you two?"

"Chaperoning a date," Olivia replied as she sat on the couch and propped her feet up on the coffee table.

"Chaperoning... a date?" Alex furrowed his brows in confusion. "Whose date?"

Luke snickered and sat next to Olivia. "Kat and Mikey's."

"Whoa, what?" The blond's eyes widened in shock. "Katherine Mercer went on a date?"

Olivia nodded. "Well, according to them it wasn't a date, but it totally was."

The camera followed the speaker as Olivia and Luke filled the drummer in on everything that happened on his little sister's not date. He was positively mortified at the fact that his sister was growing up.

"You know," Reggie started from behind the video camera. He zoomed in on Alex's face, "I never pegged you as the overprotective type."

Alex grumbled and sank further into his seat.


"Okay," Reggie laughed, looking into the lens. He set up the camera and walked further into the garage. The other boys were behind them with their own instruments. "So Livy's at her brother's soccer game, and Luke is forcing us to play this song because she's not here. He wrote it for her, because he's basically, like, in love with her and won't tell her!"

Luke tried to kick at him, but he ran away laughing. "I'll tell her when the time is right! We just started dating last week!"

"You better say 'I love you' first," Alex said, pointing a drumstick at him, "I bet five dollars on you."

"Didn't Olivia tell you to stop betting on our relationship?"

"Yup, but did we listen? Nope."

"Whatever," Luke chuckled. "One, two, three, four... I live for you, I long for you, Olivia!"


In the next clip, Luke was alone in his room. The video was time stamped, showing it was taken in late November.

"This is for Livvy, so if you're not her, don't watch this," he warned, setting the camera on his desk and placing this guitar in his lap. "I had a dream last night—actually it was more like a nightmare. I died, leaving you all alone and it really got me thinking. I always say no regrets and in the case I do die, which I hope is not for a very, very long time, I wrote you this song."

He pulled his journal over and started to sing.

"I'm writing you this message just so I can say that I love you,
I had to let you know that everything about me was you,
I think it's time for me to leave, but I'll never leave you,
I just looked at your pictures, so the last thing I did was see you."

Olivia bit her lip, trying to keep her tears at bay. Her hands started to shake and her jaw clenched.

"I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright, it's alright,
You're gonna cry and, baby, that's alright, it's alright,
I wrote you this song to keep when I'm gone,
If you ever feel alone,
You're gonna cry and, baby, that's alright, it's alright."

The song continued and as it finished, Emily's voice rang through the video.

"Luke! It's midnight already, enough with the guitar!"


There was one more video in the camera roll. Luke was alone in his room again. This time, the video was dated the night he ran away.

He dragged his chair over to his desk and sat in front of the camera. "Hi," he said to the lens, "Olivia and I got into a fight, so I wrote her this song. I probably won't show it to her for a while, but it's done now and at least this way, she'll have it on tape."

He cleared his throat and hesitated in saying his next words. "Trouble, if you're watching this, I'm sorry for being an idiot and hopefully you've already forgiven me by the time you see this. I don't deserve it, or you, and I'm so sorry for leaving you. I promised you I wouldn't and I... I didn't keep it, so I'm sorry."

He softly smiled. "And I know you forget it, so I'll tell you again: You're a star, trouble, and you shine like the sun." His hand moved to his guitar strings before shooting back like he forgot something. "Oh, and if I haven't told you today, you're very pretty—beautiful, really. Anyways, I'm rambling. Here's the song."

His hands met the strings and he started to sing.

"I love you more than the bad days ahead,
I love you more than the nights that we ended with slamming doors,
Oh, I love you more.
There will be times when your heart will forget,
I'll say it over and over again so you know for sure,
Darlin', I love you... more."


Tears fell from Olivia's eyes as the wave of grief knocked her over again.

She loved him, she loved him, she loved him. And he was gone, six feet below her.

Olivia cursed the universe for placing their love in a collection of melodies, because what good was a song if Luke wasn't singing it? But perhaps that meant their love would live on with every fleeting note, and she would get to spend time with him once again even if it was just for a moment.

She stared at the headstone, reading the engraved words over and over again.

"Luke Patterson, I have no idea how I'm going to do this without you," she confessed, her voice cracking. "Because this shit sucks, okay? It fucking sucks. And you're not here, and Alex isn't here, or Reggie, and Bobby's going off the deep end. And I love you, but you're never coming back, and I— I don't know how to keep going— I don't know if I want to keep going. There's just— There's so much we didn't do. I... I thought we had more time."

Her gaze fell to the ground as her lips trembled.

"I thought we had more time."

Sending one last glance at Luke's grave, she smiled sadly and turned to leave. She came to the realization that their time together was cut short and she'd have settle for their numbered days, but that wouldn't stop her from searching for eternity in their memories.

She walked back to her moms car and got in. The drive to her second home was quiet and her vision was blurred.

Alex was right. Everything eventually ends. Leaves fall, the book closes, and you say goodbye. Somethings are inevitable. The light of life will fade with time.

Lights were a prominent fixture in Olivia Montez's life.

The stage lights that guided her rebirth every time she stepped onto a stage. The way her friends used to cut through her darkest nights and bring her back to safety like a lighthouse. The city lights that twinkled below the mountains at Griffith's Observatory. The shine of adoration in Luke Patterson's eyes every time he looked at her.

The headlights of a car running a red light.

Lights have always been a prominent fixture in her life. It shouldn't have been a surprise that the day meant to be darkest of her life was brightened by tragedy's sunlight.






RAE SPEAKS !

bobby talking to reporters after each funeral:


will olivia survive the car crash? will she die? who knows! tune into the epilogue find out!

songs used in the chapter:
olivia — one direction
play this when i'm gone — machine gun kelly
ilym — john k

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