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❛ ʟᴇᴀᴛʜᴇʀ & ʟᴀᴄᴇ​​​​​​​​​​. ❜ ° . ༄
- ͙۪۪˚   ▎❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐗 ❜   ▎˚ ͙۪۪̥◌
»»————- ꒰ ɴɪɴᴇ ɴᴏᴠᴇᴍʙᴇʀs ʟᴀᴛᴇʀ ꒱


❝ BUT YOU CANNOT KNOW MY
TRUE FEELINGS BEHIND
LEAVING YOU. MY LOVE,
PLEASE FORGET ME. I'M
ONLY A BURDEN TO YOU. ❞

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𝐢. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐢𝐟 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐨 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭

Dear J,

I keep replaying the last conversation that we had in my head and I try to think of what I could've done differently. If I had known then that it would be at least a year before I saw you again, I would have given everything to go to London with you. This is the longest I've ever gone without seeing you or at least hearing your voice and that's not a record I'm proud of. I keep thinking that one day I'll wake up and you'll be walking through the door, laughing at how you'd fooled me into thinking that our relationship could end so suddenly. You'd scold me and call me an idiot and say that I should've had more faith in you, in us— I always did have the habit of assuming the worst. But it's been months now and I haven't heard from you; it's like you've vanished off the face of the earth.

I keep trying to convince myself that, somehow, this wasn't my fault— that I didn't break your heart again, but there seems to be no other explanation for your silence. It was foolish of me to think that we could pick up where we left off, just like that, when we saw each other again. I was smart enough to know that life isn't a fairytale and happy endings aren't cut out for people like me. I hope you know that I haven't stopped thinking about you. I miss the warmth that flooded through me whenever you took my hand, and I miss the way my breath caught whenever you said my name. I miss your smile, the way your eyes would so expressively reflect your emotions and how you always believed that I could be better than I was.

I mean it, J. You have truly helped me become a better person, even if it feels like you never saw the results. I wouldn't be where I am today without you— and the rest of our friends, of course, but you were the first. You never gave up on me, even when C and I managed to come up with another farfetched idea that probably wasn't the smartest. You helped me when I was struggling and every time you tried to make things a little bit better.

Of all the ways that I could go back and change the past, there is only one that I know would have affected the present: on that last day we were together, I should have let you speak first.

My home is wherever you are,

Shawn

𝐢𝐢. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

Dear J,

Two years. That's how long it's been now. Some days it still feels like we're kids and I only have to wait eight hours before I see you again— which, trust me, at that age felt like an eternity in itself. You were such a big part of my life that it seems incomprehensible that you're not here anymore. It's usually very difficult for me to get and remain close to people, but somehow with you it has always been easy. You were the first friend that I ever made, back when we met in kindergarten. I still remember how you bounced up to me with your hair permanently affixed in those twin braids that you loved— a side effect from growing up with boys, probably. Even when the other kids wouldn't look twice at me, you weren't afraid to become my friend.

I wish we could still be like that: when we were younger, when we could just sit and talk for hours about anything and everything. I didn't even mind listening when you talked about books that I would never read, and I hoped that I didn't bore you too much when I talked about baseball or other things that you would call "boy stuff." Some of the best days of my life were when we would just sit on the swings and talk until the sun went down, and the only thing that could force us apart was our parents.

Now, the only thing that could force us apart is me. Back then, I never thought that we'd end up the way that we are. Back then, it seemed impossible that I would ever be the one responsible for hurting you. But, change is just a part of life. As much as it seemed unimaginable that this is how we would end up, here we are. No matter how much I wish we could find a way to bridge the gap that time has created between us, the days move on, regardless of what we would like.

The point of all this is that I want you to know that there's a part of me that still holds on to the memories we shared. Those moments when we connected deeply, when we understood each other on a level no one else could; the way we could lose track of time and find solace in each other's company. I miss those days, and I miss you. Maybe it's too late for us to go back to how things used to be, but you were the one that taught me how to hope— that it was more than just a concept for suckers. 

Know that you will always hold a special place in my heart and the memories we made together will be forever cherished. If there's ever a chance for us to reconnect, to sit on those swings once more and talk until the sun goes down, I would seize it in an instant. I can only hope that these years we live separately remain less than the ones we were together.

I'm yours no matter the distance,

Shawn

𝐢𝐢𝐢. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭

Dear J,

Do you remember in my last letter when I mentioned that change was just a part of life? Well, I should have saved that title for this year: I've become the pseudo-uncle to C and T's baby girl. Can you imagine C being a parent? I hope, for their daughter's sake, that she inherited T's brains. As for the name of their child, I think they had you in mind when they named her Riley. Although we don't talk about you much, I know they miss you as well.

Being around her— them, really— is difficult for me because I can only think about the life that we could have had together. I know that I was reluctant to talk about the future while I was with you, but that was because we'd spent so long with the what-ifs that, when we were finally together, I only wanted to enjoy the present. The truth is, the only thing that I was certain of was the future: it was an indisputable fact that we would be together for the rest of our lives, just like C and T. You were— are— it for me, J. I don't think that I could ever be happy, or love anyone else except for you, and I screwed that up— just like I always do.

I know that it couldn't have been easy to be with me, as often as I made mistakes. God, I've messed up so many times that it seems impossible that you had stuck with me as long as you did. But, whatever made you believe in me as strongly as you did was exactly what I needed— for those that are the hardest to love need it the most. I wish that I still had your steadfast support, especially now. The life that we could've— should've— had keeps shoving itself in my face. C and T mean well, I know, but seeing them with Riley makes me feel as though an invisible hand has grasped hold of my heart and is squeezing it tightly, refusing to let go.

I won't be able to stay in New York much longer if this is the new normal. Recalling our time together was already painful, but seeing what could've been our future is unbearable. Travel is the only way that I'll be able to clear my mind and keep myself in the present. You will always be in my thoughts— nothing I do will ever change that.

Stay as you are,

Shawn

Here at Hit the Road, we celebrate our writers' unique perspectives and encourage them to contribute articles from their own life experiences. 

𝐢𝐯. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫

Dear J,

You're my one who got away. I hate describing you as that, you know? It brings to mind all the milestones we've shared and the ones we've missed. In the quiet corners of my mind, I often wonder what could have been. Now I can only think about what was, which only makes me crave your presence even more. I see your habits that I'd become so accustomed to everywhere; in the woman who chews her bottom lip nervously while on the subway (this in particular always drove me crazy), in the girl who carries a book with her to the café I go to write my articles, in the man in front of me in line who orders hot chocolate instead of coffee. They all remind me of the past.

When I'm driving to my next destination and a 60's or 70's song comes on, I smile despite the ache in my chest as I remember the mixtape you made for me during those especially difficult years. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get the Awesome Mix Vol. 2 that you promised. (I still have the one you made me, just so you know; it's one of my most treasured possessions, next to your annotated books.) As much as I'm pained to remember these memories, these fragments of our history— the remains that linger even after our relationship is over, are moments that I'll never forget. I will look for you in everyone I meet, knowing that they will all pale in comparison to you, the real thing. (Not that you're a thing, of course— I can just imagine the lecture you'd give me on respecting women.)

I don't know if you'll ever read these letters addressed to you, but if you do, you must get tired of how often I say that I will never stop loving you. I should have said those words more when we were together, but I'll have to settle for telling you now. There were moments when I took your presence for granted, which I deeply regret. I wish I could turn back time and be the person you deserved, the one who expressed my love and admiration for you without reservation.

I can't deny that I still hope for a chance to rewrite our story, to have a second shot at happiness with you. I'm afraid that I'll still be the same screw-up I was in college, but I will try to learn from my mistakes. Until then, you'll remain the one who got away, the person who made my heart skip a beat, and the one I'll always hold dear. Our love may have taken a different course, but it will always be a cherished part of who I am. You'll forever be a significant chapter in my life and I'll hold on to the hope that, wherever you are, you're happy.

Yours, always,

Shawn

𝐢𝐯. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐅𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐮𝐥𝐭, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞

Dear J,

It's been five years since I last saw your face— in person, at least. (I still carry around the picture that I took of you after our trip to the pawnshop.) It seems impossible that so much time has passed when it moves so slowly. I don't know where you are in life now. Do you still live in London, playing the violin with that same passion and grace that always mesmerized me? Do. . . do you have someone else in your life?

As much as I hope that the answer is no to that last question, I also hope that it's yes. You deserve to be loved more than anyone I know. I hate the thought of you living all these years alone, especially if it was because of the damage that I've done. If that's the case, there's something that I have to tell you: the ending of our relationship was not your fault, but mine. I know that humans can't be perfect; we're all bound to make mistakes (and some certainly more than others), but to me, you were perfect. You were exactly who I needed to make my life complete, and I was the fool who let you go.

As for me, I've done my best to put my life together. It's certainly not as impressive as T's, who's a hotshot lawyer at a New York law firm, or C's, who— against all odds— has turned into a Feeney clone, but he's happy regardless. But, I've tried not to compare my achievements to anyone else's and claim them as my own. You might not care, but I haven't seen anyone else. I've been on a couple of one-off dates, but they all ended as quickly as they began. I've tried, but no woman will ever match you. (That is one area where I will never be able to stop comparing.)

Trust me, I know that's not the best way to live, or move on. C has told me time and time again that I need to stop waiting for the impossible. But he and T are the impossible, which proves that it's, well, possible. Therefore, there will always be a part of me that holds out hope of getting a second chance with you. I'm afraid that I might be in a relationship when I see you again, and you know I don't have C's belief that everything in life will work out. You're the only woman that I want to be with, and I don't think that my views will change. I told you once that you were my long game, and I still uphold those words, even now.

My heart belongs to you,

Shawn

𝐯𝐢. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐗𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧

Dear J,

I've realized recently that I've never apologized to you directly. I feel that I've adequately acknowledged  my faults, but I haven't actually used the words I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry for not being the person you needed me to be. I'm sorry that the idea of us became more important than the concrete reality of us. I allowed my dreams to overshadow the beauty of what we had; I built up the potential of our relationship in my head so much that I took for granted what was right in front of me.

I'm sorry that I let my own insecurities cloud my judgment and affect our relationship. They made me question my feelings for you, and in turn, I questioned my worthiness of your love. I realize now how unfair that was to both of us. You were always the strong one between us; I should have been more confident and trusted in the love you showed me. Instead, I let fear and uncertainty creep in, causing me to question the future we could have built together. I was afraid of commitment, afraid of what might lie ahead, and because of that, I faltered. I went with what was familiar and comfortable— a life in New York with C and T, rather than starting a new one with you. A part of me thought that you might chase after me when you realized how much we needed to be together, but that was on me— I'd forgotten that I had always been the one chasing you.

If I had understood this sooner, I would have fallen back into our traditional patterns. I swear that I would've been on the next flight to London, New York be damned. But, you were also smarter than me, and I remember your proud claim of being a 'strong, independent woman,' which I'm certain you still are, as you have always been. The last thing you would ever do is chase after a man, especially one that chose our friends over the woman he loved— loves.

Above all else, the apology that most sums up my regret is this: I'm sorry that I let you down.

With all my love,

Shawn

𝐯𝐢𝐢. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭

Dear J,

Lately I've been thinking about our last weeks together. There was so much that we shared in those moments that they almost made up more than our entire time together; our first reunion after breaking up, our first 'I love yous' and— what I think about most— your promise that you would one day marry me. That alone should have been enough for me to have more faith in our relationship. J, you loved me enough to promise me forever. I don't think that I'll ever be lucky enough find another person with whom I could see that kind of future with.

You are the most incredible person that I've ever known; it would be impossible for me to list all the reasons why I fell in love with you in the first place. When we were younger, I just wanted you to see that. Of course, I'd hoped that one day we would end up together, but I was never certain that you would ever return my feelings (C, of course, was.) When you finally did fall in love with me, it was a gift I didn't fully appreciate until it slipped out of my grasp.

It took us so long to finally be together, but you were patient with me while you waited for me to be ready for a real relationship. Even though I wanted us to be together more than anything, I was still scared that something would go wrong. You understood that this was because of my history with people who were supposed to love me and how they always left. You were also the one who taught me that it isn't always like that. You were the one who stayed, until I pushed you away. That's on me. I was the one who let my fears get in the way of something great, and you deserve more than that. You deserve someone who knows their heart belongs to you without a shadow of a doubt.

While it pains me to admit that I may no longer be that person for you, I hope with all my heart that you find someone who can fulfill that role.

I'm always thinking of you,

Shawn

𝐯𝐢𝐢𝐢. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧

Dear J,

You know better than anyone that my life has never worked out as I wanted it to. It always felt like there was an obstacle blocking my way, whether it was my family, my education or myself. For the last one, I feel that it especially applies to our relationship. I felt that I could never be good enough for you, and I was scared that that would make you leave. This created distance between us before we were ever physically separated.

But, over the years, I've tried to learn from my mistakes. As usual, C made a lesson out of this. His favorite way of putting it is that life isn't about waiting for a storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain. You and I both know I'm not much of a dancer, though, so I haven't been able to appreciate this sentiment as much as I'd like to. The main reason for this is because I don't want to move on from you. There's not much that I've hoped for in my life, but seeing you again is something that I can't let go of. I think that even if we just met one more time, I could convince you to stay. I'll keep waiting on you because I don't want to be the one who gave up on us— I've done that once, and look where were are now.

If you ever read these letters, I want you to know that I am willing to fight for us, as I should have all those years ago. Now that I know what it's like to lose you, there is nothing I wouldn't do to have you back in my life. For you, I am ready to face my fears, to dance in the rain, and to show you the love that you deserve. I promise to be there, to support you, and to cherish every moment we have together.

Until we meet again,

Shawn

𝐢𝐱. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑: 𝐈 𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐈'𝐦 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

Dear J,

It's been almost a decade since any of have last heard from you. I could say that I hope you're doing well, but those words seem trite and insufficient. I hope you're doing better than well; I hope you've found something— or even (though I include this with regret) someone— that you love and makes you look forward to each day.

As for me, I guess I'm doing alright. I still think of you often, but it seems as if the corresponding pain in my chest has receded over time. There are still moments where I can't help but wonder if miss me as much as I miss you. You were my first friend and my first love. When we were both reluctant to admit our feelings, you became my other half to our will-they-won't-they. And, in those final weeks before we parted, you were my almost. To think, we planned to live together one day.

Although I don't have much to say this time, I want you to know that I'll keep writing to you. Even after all these years, I still haven't expressed everything that I feel about you. The simple truth is this: you are a large part of who I am. The good and the bad, our years together helped to shape who I am today. I want you to know that I'll always hold a special place for you in my heart because of this.

I love you,

Shawn

it's ironic how we were mingling under the moon last night
and woke up meaning nothing to each other.
a home could burn down,
but don't the remains always linger?
darling, write to me nine novembers later
and tell me where did things go wrong?
— Mahi Jakhete

A/n: at this point, I think I'll just stop apologizing for not updating consistently, lol. The truth is, it's hard to find motivation for this particular book because each chapter I publish does not get interaction that's proportional to its popularity. While I try not to write based on the comments that I get, they are, undeniably, a huge encouragement. Each chapter takes me several hours to write and to only get 3 comments and 100+ reads is very discouraging. (Now, I don't expect everyone to comment, but, for example, the 21 comments on the previous chapter are only there after four months of the chapter being published.) For the people that do vote and comment every time, I see you and appreciate you! You guys are the reason why I haven't put this book on hiatus.

The other reason for the slow update is that I simply lacked the motivation to write, which sometimes happens for no reason whatsoever— and then it comes back inexplicably, too. This time, you can thank Captain America: The First Avenger (otherwise, my Bucky Barnes fanfic called Evergreen) and the HTTYD fandom for the resurgence of my writing. In fact, if you're extra-happy about this update, you could go show some love on my newest book, Stormborn, if you're a Hiccup fan? I have the first movie all written because— like I said— the motivation to write hit me really strongly one day while I was watching Race to the Edge. (Can you tell yet that my taste in men leans towards dark-haired, light-eyed, (smart) guys?)

Anyway, about this chapter: I got the idea from the Christmas episode where Maya mentions Shawn's travel job, so it's supposed to be a blogger-like style in addition to the actual travel articles that he's writing (and yes, the letters will be brought up during my version of Home for the Holidays!) The first three I imagine he's writing in a journal or something before he gets the job. I thought it might be a creative way to do a time skip, especially after seeing the poem above. I also thought it would be fun to show what I imagined Hit the Road's website might look like and I tried to make it early-2000s-esque (that manip took me far longer than I'd like to admit.)

The quote at the top ("but you cannot know my true feelings behind leaving you / my love, please forget me / I'm only a burden to you") is from the karaoke scene in Extraordinary Attorney Woo (a 10/10 K-drama.) (Slight spoilers) Since it was being sung during the breakup part of the show, I use Google translate to understand the lyrics and thought that they were very Shuliet coded, so I had to include them.

This chapter was pretty hard to write since, like I've said before, I've never experienced a breakup, but I wanted to show Shawn's side of things before we got into the GMW era. I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter because it's Andi Mack inspired, so I don't have to come up with all of the dialogue myself, lol. (I bet you'll never guess which episode I'm actually recreating, though!) Hopefully that means it won't be another four months before I update again, haha [laughs nervously.]