I didn't read this over so it probably has a shit ton of mistakes

⚠️ warning ⚠️

HAS TRIGGERING SUBJECTS

(Y/N)'s POV:

why does it hurt so much?

i shouldn't care. i knew he was going to ghost me. i knew all long that this was going to happen yet i still let him in. it hurts watching him look so happy without me. why?

"I-I'm going to the bathroom." i said and got up from my table. it was lunch time and i did what i usually did. sit at some random table so the guidance counselor won't yell at me for being by myself. i never eat lunch anymore.

i desperately need to lose weight and now a days whenever i put food in my mouth i feel awful. but overall in general i've seemed to have just lost my appetite. my friends would always try to force me to eat but i would never listen. part of me feels bad for them because they feel the need to have to worry for me. but nowadays eating just feels like a chore i have to force myself to do.

that's why i'm going to bathroom right now. "oh ok" is all i got for a response from them when i stood up and left the table. the moment i walked in the bathroom, i made sure to check to see if anyone else was in here. nope, it's empty.

perfect

i went into a stall and locked the door. the moment i did, i sat down in the corner, and hugged my knees. and started to cry.

i know now that i mustn't cry in front of my friends. i'm just a burden and i'll bother them even more by crying. they'll ask the normal questions that you have to ask just for your own reputation. "are you okay?" "what's wrong" "you know im here for you right?"

it's all bullshit. they never mean any of it. they don't care. just like how he doesn't care. if i tell them about my problems, they'll leave me. just like how he did. if i cry in front of them, they get mad and tell me to stop. just like how he did.

why do i miss him so much? he only said he was taking a break for awhile but it still hurts so much. it's like he woke up one day and decided he no longer wanted to talk to me. all of my friends who are also friends with him say it wasnt random and that it wasn't out of no where.

that only made it worse. that means he's been feeling this way for awhile and that he was only talking to me because he pitied me. i even asked multiple times why he talked to me. he said some random shit that wasn't true, he and i both knew it was just because he pities me.

i opened my phone and looked at our texts messages. the last message read "goodnight (Y/N)". yea you may be wondering what happened. we would only really text each other since i get really self conscious in front of him.

i used to act the same way i would with everyone with him however. i used to jump on them and hug them. yell their name across the hallways to get their attention. yea, i'm seen as the outgoing girl, the one who always laughs at everything.

but in reality, i'm so confused.

i don't know how i really am. i act differently with different people. i feel the need to do or act a certain way to met their standards. i want to be myself but i don't know who that is.

but once i started to like him, things changed. i used to have a thing for another boy who had also hurt me. I used to rant about it to him and he really helped me get through it. actually, the day before we broke up, i learned that he liked me more than a friend.

and that's when it started. before he would always get jealous over little things. which was cute but i never understood why. i mean, i'm me. there's nothing to like, i'm not interesting, i'm not smart, i'm not pretty, so why do you like me?

there's nothing to gain from me after all... oh yea, that's right. maybe he was just lying all this time. he probably never liked me.

but after that, i became shy with him. he would always ask me, "why don't you talk to me? why don't you hug me anymore? why do you ignore me?" it's because im too scared to talk to him in person.

he'd realize how ugly i am. how annoying my voice is. how awkward i am too. he'd realize that i'm nothing and then he'll leave me. he would say that he didn't care about that as long as i'm talking to him. but it's too late. he's gone.

all those times we'd stay up until 2am in the morning talking. all the cute texts, all the secrets we shared, all the times i trusted him....

he was the only one i'd ever talk to about my problems. he knew how much i hated myself, he knew how much i'd cry, he knew how much i just wanted to be happy, and he knew that i have abandonment issues.

maybe i'm being selfish. after all, i don't know what goes through his head. just like how he doesn't know everything that goes through mine. maybe, he does have an actual reason why he left. i'm being stupid. what if he's going through some family issue? what if he's just really stressed out with school? what if he's also going through his own personal issues that he has to take care of? what if he simply just doesn't like me anymore?

he's not the type of person to be depressed and sad though. he's the complete opposite of me actually. he's in all accelerated, popular, nice, well liked, not weird, happy....

i never deserved to know him the way i did. i never deserved him in general. so i should be grateful that i even got the opportunity to get to know someone like him. he was the only thing that kept me going for awhile. and whenever we'd talk, i'd be so happy. he became my everything. he was all i needed to be happy.

but maybe it's my fault he left me. no one is responsible for your own happiness just like how you aren't responsible for anyone else's. maybe i put all this pressure onto him to make him feel like it was his job to make me happy.

i probably was just a burden to him, just like how i am to everyone else. i don't mean anything to him. i shouldn't cry because it's over, but be happy it even happened. yes, that's it. i'm being ungrateful.

i took a long, deep breath. i stood up and brushed off my skirt. i walked out the stall and splashed some water on my face. i looked at myself in the mirror. i look like shit.

i neatened my hair, and continued to splash water on my face until i looked like i wasn't crying. i put my phone away, pulled my socks up higher, and retucked my shirt in.

i took another breath and sighed. i closed me eyes and opened them again and forced myself to smile as i looked in the mirror. and walked out.

i walked down the hallway, but stopped when i heard someone laughing.

"pfft hahahhaha"

i slowly peeked from the corner to see what was going on. oh...

"you short ass"
he said and laughed again.

"oh shut up you sadistic bitch. not like you can do any better"

"oh yea? watch me" the boy jumped up and touched the ceiling with ease. god, there's that feeling again. it's funny how when we're mentally hurt so much, we can feel it in our stomach and chests. and that's exactly what i felt right there.

i need to get back to my table before they get suspicious. wait a second, they probably don't even notice i'm gone at all, i bet someone's sitting in my seat right now while everyone else acts like i don't exist. but even so, i can't help but feel creepy watching them.

i continued to walk forward, trying my best to avoid eye contact. "oh hey (Y/N)" Maehara said to me. "oh uh h-hi" i said awkwardly as i past by.

"hey (Y/N)" he said to me. god, you stupid stupid stupid. no! that's not it works! you can't do that! you look so happy when im over here feeling like this. it's like you don't even care! and you only make it worse when you do stupid things like that! you can't just say hi to me and act like you haven't talked to me in the past fucking month.

i felt myself crying again. shit. no no no no no, stupid eyes. why now? of all times? my eyes have betrayed me. and that was my 69th heartbreak. "hey are you alright, (Y/N)?" maehara asked me.

"y-yea im fine" i said and smiled at them. i quickly turned and ran off.

meanwhile:

"hey, you're pretty close with her right? do you know what's wrong?" Maehara asked the other boy. "nope i have no idea. i haven't talked to her recently."

"oh? why's that?"

the boy didn't reply with anything. he didn't know how to. part of him didn't want to. "it's just, it's um, it's complicated. anyways let's go." he put his hands in pockets and started to walk back to the lunch area. where the girl had just ran off to.

"karma, don't feed me that bullshit" the other boy said. "you hurt her, didn't you?"

the redhead stopped. he didn't turn around. "god you're so fucking nosy. what the fuck did i say about getting in other people's business? it's none of your concern. you don't even know her that well so why the fuck do you care so much? what? are you in love with her or something? you're her fucking boyfriend now?"

he didn't know why he said that. he didn't know why he snapped that easily. or why he even got mad like that over something so small and stupid. he didn't know why he even asked such questions or why he seemed to care. the other boy just stared at him with dead eyes. "now i may be wrong, but it sounds like you love that girl."

"i don't love her"

hope_less

i'm sorry i haven't been posting recently, i've been in spain recently lol.

the s is silent tho :)

word count: 1764 words
date: February 8th, 2020