note; the non capital letters are purposeful. my english is not well.
i'm lazy and don't reread so don't mind the autocorrections and bad grammar or whatever
(Y/N)'s POV;
"haha, yea today marks our one month"
"oh damn, congrats"
i sighed as i rested my head in my hands, looking over to see my one friend talking to one of her friends. Rio Nakamura's back faced me as she talked to Kaede about her said, one month. supposedly, she started dating some boy from another school, and she never even bothered to tell me about it. i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt.
I considered Rio to be my best friend, but i wasn't her best friend. if that made any sense, to her i'm just a close friend. "i don't actually have best friends, but you're definitely one of my close friends" she'd say. to me it just seems like another way of saying i'm just like all her other friends. she knows i see her as my best friend.
"(Y/N)? what's up?"
i moved my gaze from Rio to my one other friend, Yukiko. i loved Yukiko with all my heart, she was my other person i was actually close with enough to trust blindly. so kind and caring for everyone. however, she's still not the perfect friend, she has family issues going on so I try to be as easy going with her as i can. however she's owes me 11,030.8 ¥ ($100) back from February and it's almost August now. i keep trying to remind her however she always forgets.
usually i wouldn't have cared that much however this money was actually my moms money. she also seems to invalid my feelings time to time and always yells at me the moment i mess up. she also started to go on a few dates with Sugino, to which, she also didn't inform me of it and had to hear about it from the gossip throughout the classroom.
it hurt knowing my two close friends that i trusted my entire heart with, didn't inform me of such a thing. Rio used to always tell me that dating at our age was stupid and since we weren't dating for marriage, we're basically doing it for heartbreak. so how come Rio was the fist to get a boyfriend?
"yea i'm fine" i sighed and gave Yukiko a weak smile. she smiled back me, "okay just wanted to make sure you're okay." she patted me on the head and then walked away to talk to Sugino. I know that it's new for both of them to have people to date, but i can't help but sometimes take such things personally. recently it seems that's she's been ditching out on us to hang out with him. i don't mind that shes hanging out with him but it's become such a regular occurrence to the point where it's just annoying.
i know how my friends are, they'd never intentionally try to hurt me, yet they always end up hurting me anyways. whenever i try to talk to them about it they seem to just brush it aside and say sorry but never do anything to change their actions. and i always forgive them. sometimes i can't help if it's just me being too self centered and looking for attention.
even things that they say piss me off sometimes. Rio always says how she doesn't have a life and just sits in her bed all day, but how come everytime i ask if she's free to hang out, she's always busy? it's been two months since we last hung out, outside of school. but, just last week, she hung out with her boyfriend and they went shopping together.
Yukiko isn't much different, i asked her 3 weeks ago if she wanted to go out somewhere but she said she was busy with schoolwork, yet the following week she said the same thing. at this point, i stopped bothering to ask if they're busy to hang out, as it was embarrassing to always get the answer no. i felt clingy and i didn't want to seem like i depended on them that much. However, i do make some exceptions to Yukiko as she's finally getting in tone with her schoolwork, to which i'm very proud of her for.
However, Rio is currently failing all her classes and is in fear of failing this school year. She constantly messages me asking for homework answers, which now that I think about, is the only time she ever messages me first.
"(Y/N)!"
"AHHH-" i jumped up from my chair and turned around to see Kirara Hazama. troubling case she is. i honestly felt like i always took her for granted. i used to have this thing where i'd befriend people and it'd seem like we were best friends but then it'd die off within a month. i think that's how i originally planned to be friends with her. however, she's still stuck with me for around 3 years now. and now that i'm thinking about it, she's another one of my closest friends.
i think i trust her more than i do with both Yukiko and Rio combined. she's not perfect, but she treats me better than Rio and Yukiko do. she's always there for me and constantly checks up on me. the only major flaws to her is that her mom is really strict and never lets her go anywhere which almost eliminates all chances of us ever hanging out. the second is that,,, Yukiko and Rio both hate Hazama while Hazama hates Yukiko and Rio.
i get tired of listening to both Yukiko and Rio constantly complain about how Hazama isn't a good friend to me while in reality Hazama treats me better. Hazama only ever complains about them whenever i tell her about how Yukiko and Rio aren't being the bestest of friends.
"you scared me" i said back to her as i rolled my eyes and sat back down. "oops. anyways why you sulking?" she sat down in the desk next to mine as turned to me.
"i'm not." i said back, clearly lying.
"you should drop them."
"w-what?"
"your 'friends'. they're not good to you. they forgot your birthday, only come to you when they want something, they constantly leave you out but whenever you get upset with them for not telling you things they get mad at you saying that it's personal. but whenever you don't tell them stuff they get mad saying you're not a good friend to them. not to even mention the fact they seem to use you for money. why cant you realize that they're trying to control you life?"
i sat there. she's right. the thing is i've known this for awhile now. i know that they don't treat me well and i'd probably be better off without them. however,,
"its,, not that easy."
"whatever you say."
Hazama then got up from the desk and started to walk away.
"where are you going?" i asked her.
"going to destress" she said and winked at me as she showed me what she was holding. oh her weed break.
i looked around the classroom when i noticed how everyone was in their separate groups, talking to their friends. Yukiko and Rio being in the group talking to their friend group. one that i wasn't considered a part of.
they had a group chat, one that they won't add me in despite me asking to be added to it. they always hang out together, not asking if i was free to come along. Yukiko's birthday was two months ago, and to celebrate they all hung out together. i had to ask Yukiko separately was she was doing for her birthday, then afterwards she invited me to come along. if i hadn't reached out first i wouldn't have even gone.
i can't help but feel like i'm always excluded from the conversations. i know i don't try to be part of it all of the time, however why is it that i constantly feel like my friends judge me? my friends are most open to ideas out there as they can almost talk about anything with each other and feel fine. yet the moment i want to wear something or do my hair differently, they somehow come up with a negative comment?
it hurts.
i'm not one to throw my insecurities at others as i know it's not their faults. yet they make me feel the need to change myself constantly in order to stay with their standards and expectations of me. at this point i relay solely on material objects in order to stay up to date with them which is not good for me.
my birthday was last month, they didn't really bother to plan anything for me. i'm just, so tired of it feeling like one sided friendship. i'm jealous of how easily they can both make new friends. i'm jealous of how they both have boyfriends now. it's been so long since i had a valid realistic crush on someone. i miss the feeling of having a crush so badly.
which is why... i delude myself into thinking i have a crush on someone. someone who i don't think i'd ever be able to be with. in full honesty,, i only chose him because of his looks. i know almost nothing of his personality, i've never talked to him either. i get creepy with him though, whenever i see him i stop and stare a bit.
why?
because if i don't get creepy with it, i don't get that fluffy bubbley feeling in my chest. he barely even gives it to me. i just want to have a crush on someone so badly, I do this. i know that it'll never happen, he's quite popular, and i don't even think our personalities would be that compatible with each other.
all i want is someone to go to me first. i want someone to consider me their best friend. someone i know will always be there for me. someone who'll text me first, and ask to hang out with me. someone to go places with, hang out with. someone to wear matching outfits with. someone to give the love i have. someone to love me, for me...
someone to make me feel like i'm wanted. someone to make me feel like i exist.
i try so hard to be someone i'm not, and it's tiring. i don't want to be someone else, but at the same time i do. i guess, i just want to love myself. which is probably why i feel like i need someone to be there for me. i want to feel needed. i want to feel like i am someone. which is why,, im planning on studying abroad in Korea later this year. to get away from this place. to meet new people. to show my friends that i am someone.
i'm even planning on not telling them. i just want,, i want to see how long it would take them to realize i'm not here anymore. how long would it take for them to see i'm in another country? would they miss me? would they care?
i know that probably sounds toxic, and i know i can be like that, but i just want to feel like i mean something to them.
my mom says that, to Rio, i'm like an old shoe to her. an old shoe that she used to wear all the time, one that she knows will always be there for her, one that has never gotten torn or worn down, one that she's comfortable in. one that, she's tired of. one that, she knows is there and will occasionally wear, but now she has new shoes.
but, Rio to me is like an old shoe as well. she's like my favourite shoe, one that i love wearing but, a shoe that constantly goes missing. one that'll be there one second and then go missing for the next month. one that's been torn and ripped, but no matter how many times i patch it back up, the shoe somehow gets torn again. one that's not there when i really want it, but it'll appear when i don't need it.
"Oh hey Karma, where have you been?"
my head immediately shot up as i looked over at the door to see him. Karma Akabane. the boy i,, like? no, i can't consider that I like him. the boy i have a crush on? not that's basically just another way of saying i like him. the boy that i use to give me a dopamine rush to make me feel like i have a valid crush on someone and delude myself into thinking it'll actually happen just to feel like i have a life? yes that's it :D
lord i'm sad.
"너무 피곤해..."
(i'm so tired)
i sighed as i turn forward in my seat again.
"왜? 당신은 전혀 잤습니까?"
(why? did you sleep at all?)
huh? i lifted my head up to see,,, him. Karma Akabane. standing in front of my desk, looking down at me. i look around to see if he was really talking to someone, however he just started to laugh at me.
"i was talking to you." he said, i felt myself heat up and i avoided looking at him at all costs. "yea yea, i knew that." i said awkwardly in my seat. i turned my head but jumped a bit as i felt him lean his hand on my desk. i looked back over and met eyes with him as he leaned in towards my face.
"you look like shit."
what? my hands immediately shot up to cover my face, "huh?" geez, what i really that bad looking? Karma leaned back so he standing straight, and laughed at me again. "oh sorry, that must have come off as rude. i don't believe we've ever talked before, so apologies for my remark. what i meant to really say what that you look tired and pale. when was the last time you ate?"
i looked over at him and glared a bit. "i- i don't know," i kinda glared at him. i wasn't really in the best mood to hear from him that i looked bad, there goes all my deluded dreams of ever getting with him now. at least i can say i've talked to him before. i felt a thud on my desk and i looked down to see he had placed a carton of strawberry milk onto my desk.
"here, drink it. take better care of yourself." he said to me. my eyes widen as i studied the look on his face. the smile he gave me,,
"hey Karma! come over here for a sec!"
Karma looked over and moved away from my desk a bit. "yea yea i'm coming!"
"cya!" he said as he patted me on the head. geez what's with everyone patting my head today?
"weirdo...." i mumbled as i watched him walk away. "i heard that!" he called back towards me. i sighed as i turned back around. i looked down at the carton of milk he had placed on my desk.
it wasn't there.
.....the feeling.
the feeling of talking to your crush. that fluffy giddy feeling.
i didn't feel it.
——————————
"hey Rio wait up..!"
"oh hey (Y/N)"
i quickly ran towards Rio as she turned around to face me. "are you staying after school?" Rio would occasionally stay later to do school work, well usually me doing school work while Rio admired the air conditioning down in the library and did everything but schoolwork.
"nah sorry, my parents want me home. maybe tomorrow, cya"
she turned and walked down the staircase, leaving me there alone underneath the overhang of the building.
"you said that yesterday though..." i whispered to myself. i've known Rio since i was 5, we've always been friends and just 3 years ago we used to be best friends. like actual best friends, one where Rio reciprocated the feelings and called me her best friend. i'm afraid. i'm scared that we're drifting apart, and there's nothing i can do to stop it.
"wow. that was kinda sad not going to lie."
"huh?!" i jumped as i turned around to see him. Karma,, "god you scared me." i said as i calmed down a bit.
"oh sorry." when i actually studied him i noticed how he wasn't holding his school bag, just drinking a cartoon of strawberry milk. "how much of that stuff do you drink?" i asked, getting suspicious as now that i recall, he seems to always be drinking it.
"enough to make me grow much taller than you." he said and smirked at me. ah i see, so he's one of those.
"um excuse me, i'm (Y/N), so for all you know i may be like a whole foot taller than you so stop assuming stuff."
"what-"
"never mind."
"by the way, what did you do with- oh here it is" my eyes followed where his hand reached and noticed that he grabbed something in my bag, pulling it out to reveal the drink he had placed on my desk earlier.
"oh i forgot that was there."
"didn't i tell you to drink this?" he said as he looked back at me. my eyes went from the milk cartoon in his hands up to his face. when making eye contact, he smirked at me and i frowned even more. "not compatible." i said bluntly.
"what?" he said.
"we're not compatible."
"what does that have to do with me wanting you to drink this? isn't it considered rude as i have given you a present?" the way he said that sort of annoyed me. why? oh i get it, it's because he's teasing me.
"no offense, but i don't really trust you. i know how you like to use Okuda to get her to make stuff for you. although i do doubt you would've done someone to it as you'd have nothing to gain from it."
"ouch, your words hurt. but no, unfortunately i did not poison this as i doubt Okuda would have the skill sets to make what i would give you," again with that annoying tone of voice. i didn't like it, it's like he felt like he was on a higher level than me. while it is true that's he's a better assassin, better grades, better personality, better looks, more friends, i still couldn't help but feel like he was being unreasonable.
i rolled my eyes are at him and sat down on the step. as much i claimed to my friends that i like him, i only really do that for attention, despite all the reactions i get are negative. i've already admitted it to myself, but me and Karma's personalities most likely wouldn't be good together. if it even were to happen, we definitely wouldn't stay together for long.
i saw him sit down beside me on the step. "why are you doing this? you can go home." i said to him while just staring at the ground.
"i have no purpose to go home. my parents work overseas and i don't particularly get excited to go back to my place."
i looked over at him and saw he was looking at me. the sun was setting now and there was a slight breeze. the wind was warm as i watched it blow in his hair. he really was attractive. this would be the type of scene in a movie where the MC and LL would kiss or something.
too bad that this isn't a movie.
i turned my head and looked back down at the ground. i watched as small droplets hurt the dry dirt.
"Karma,,,
if only you were here."
i looked back up and the boy was gone.
-somi.mint7
yikes this was embarrassing
shoutout to my irl Yukiko and Rio who constantly leave me out- u guys stink. and genuinely u guys kinda suck.
to my irl Hazama- thank you for always being there for me.
and shoutout to my Karma.
someone who doesn't exist.
published date; Tuesday, July 27
word count;
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