❦ chapter ³⁸ ❦

"hey, taehyung? can I get something clear?" jungkook said as he entered his room where taehyung was getting dressed up before going to his work.

"sure, what is it?" he asked not taking his eyes off the dress shirt he was buttoning up.
jungkook came closer and stopped behind taehyung, looking at the elder through the reflection in the mirror.

"what are we?"
jungkook's voice came out weaker than he had intended to.
taehyung stopped halfway through and slowly looked up, only to be met by jungkook's big, bunny eyes in the reflection.

he turned around to face the younger and looked straight into his eyes that were asking a question, answer to which neither knew.

"w-what do you mean?" taehyung asked knowing it was a stupid thing to say.

"I mean that– gosh, taehyung, it's not so easy to speak about this..." jungkook put his head down and exhaled. "let's take a seat."

taehyung nodded and the two of them walked over to the soft bed, located in the middle of the room.

"we just recently confessed to each other... you remember, right? that night when–"

"–when the lights went out and you saw me cry."

there was a silent pause during which jungkook fiddled with his fingers, trying to get enough courage to talk about this.
it bothered him a bit that taehyung wouldn't say a word. but maybe he also didnt have enough courage for that, and if jungkook doesnt do it now, there wont be a second chance, he just knew there wouldn't be.
it's either now or never.

"I'm just– be honest, did you lie? did you lie about having feelings for me because you felt bad or something?" jungkook asked, his voice breaking in the middle of the sentence from the tears he was holding back.

"no! no, of course I didnt, why would I do that?" taehyung quickly replied and took jungkook's soft hands, wrapping his own, rough ones around.

"but nothing even changed... we dont act like we're in love." jungkook mumbled. "do you not want to be my boyfriend?"

"I– be your boyfriend?" taehyung took his hands away and averted his gaze.
"jungkook, the thing is... after our last mission I realised something. and actually, not only after the mission, but just genuinely throughout all this time of living with you. even though we love each other, there is no way for us to be together."

"but why?" jungkook interrupted.

"listen, we are rivals, jungkook. by being together we are betraying our own gangs, our people it's just... wrong."

"so what we have been doing up until this point was right? taehyung, everything we do is wrong, everything we do is fucked up. and are you planning on leaving your gang in order for this to work?" jungkook's voice was stern and strong. he wanted for this nonsense to end.

"that's a tough question, I've been doing this all my life."

jungkook nodded.

"but think about this, if we will continue being wrong and fucked up, at least let's be wrong and fucked up together."

"jungkook..." taehyung looked at him with big eyes that started to fill up with tears, his throat aching from holding them back. "I.. I just cant accept myself."

"what do you mean?"

"jungkook, I am weak for you, and I just cant accept that!"

"I can help you!"

"that's the thing, jungkook, you cant. no one can, its something I have to fight with myself and at the moment and I cant fight it."

"tell me what you feel towards me." jungkook asked in a whisper after a long pause.

"I told you already–"

"–no. close your eyes, relax. can you tell me your feelings? what do you feel? think about this, think about me. am I worth it?" he stopped to breathe. "am I a worthy reason for you to leave everything behind just so that we can be together?"

jungkook kept on looking at the boy in front of him until he saw two drops roll down his cheeks from his closed eyes.

"stop doing this to me." taehyung whispered. "stop making me weak and vulnerable."

"it's okay to be weak and vulnerable and fragile at some points, taehyung!"

"no... love makes me weak, you make we weak and–"

"theres something else, theres another reason, why arent you telling it to me?" jungkook asked.

"this isnt a place for such thing as love. you're supposed to be rude and heartless to survive. sorry, I dont make the rules."

"says who. you're too young and reckless to understand this, taehyung, maybe when you actually fall in love you'd understand me." namjoon said quietly.

"haha, very funny. I won't fall in love namjoon, I'm sure of that. I am not a weak bastard like you."

taehyung looked into jungkook's eyes.
I am never going to admit namjoon he was right, I just cant!

taehyung exhaled and flopped back on the bed, closing his eyes.
"how are you not afraid of being weak?"

jungkook chuckled to himself a little. "you really want to know?"

"yes."

jungkook smiled and leaned back just like taehyung did, but he didnt close his eyes, he looked up at his ceiling which had star stickers on it, that shone in the dark at night.

"the truth is, I want to feel my weakness. and that is a good thing, because it means that the feeling has a significance in my life; that it cannot be easily dismissed. and yes, it is "weak" of me to cry, it is "weak" to rest my head on someone’s chest and welcome being consoled, it is "weak" to focus, at least temporarily, on the pain i feel.
but it is also wonderful. it is a moment in which i feel alive, human, in a way." jungkook answered.

"and we are all human." taehyung whispered.

"exactly." jungkook turned himself around, and taehyung did the same, facing he younger.

they stared at each other for a couple of minutes that felt like eternities. taehyung never noticed how bright jungkook's eyes were, it was as if they held an entire galaxy in them.

"you're incredible." taehyung said. "what did I do in my past life to deserve meeting someone like you."

"ah, who knows? probably saved the world." jungkook chuckled.

taehyung smiled and slowly leaned in until their lips touched. it felt like one of the softest kisses to ever exist. a kiss filled with so much passion and love, a kiss as soft and gentle as a spring flower, that just emerged with its tender petals from under the melting snow.

❦

a/n: y'all, have you been watching the online concert?? I had to wake up at 6am to watch it 😭