throughout the day, my worry grew for the bun inside my oven.

when i got home i decided it was time to ring up Women Now. i felt like this was my only choice at this point. i mean, im only 16. im not even fully developed!

i sat on my bed as i dialed the numbers i read on the paper onto my hamburger phone.

i waited a while until somebody finally picked up.

"hey, yeah. im just calling to procure a hasty abortion."

when the woman on the other side of the line said something, i wasn't able to hear it.

stupid cheap hamburger.

"what? can you hold on a second? im on my hamburger phone."

when i removed the phone from my ear, i aggressively shook it.

putting the phone back up to my ear, i spoke again. "okay, yeah now i can hear you. yeah it's really awkward to talk on, um..."

i started to tumble over my words. "yeah, i need an abortion."

"how old are you?" the lady asked.

"sixteen."

"and how many months are you?"

"im gonna say it's been about two months and four days since the sex. mind you that's just a guestimation."

"how long have you been sexually active?"

i shook my head and scrunched my eyebrows together. "i-im sorry, how long have i been what?"

ugh, i hate it when adults use the term "sexually active."

what does it even mean? can i reactive someday, or is this a permanent state of being? i guess chalamet went live that night we did it. i guess that's why he got that look on his face.

-

now im at the dinner table. acting like i wasn't just on the phone, scheduling an abortion.

my dad used to be in the army, but now he's just your average HVAC specialist.

he and my mom got divorced when i was like five and now she lives on a havasu reservation in Arizona, with her new husband and three replacement kids.

oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every valentine's day. and im like, thanks a heap coyote ugly. this cactus gram stings even worse than your abandonment.

anyways, i looked at the lady across from me as she cut through a baked potato and smiled at me.

that's my step mom, winona. she's completely obsessed with dogs. owns a nail salon and always smells like methylmethacrylate.

"so, y/n, how was your little maneuver last night?" said my dad who was sitting next to me.

"which maneuver, sir? the one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to the other or the one where i downed a sixty-four once blue slushee in ten minutes?"

"y/n, did you by any chance barf in my urn?" asked winona.

i thought back to the night where i did.

but i shook my head no.

"david, you know that nice urn by the front door, the one i got up in stillwater?"

"mhm."

"there was some blue shi- i mean, gunk, stuff in there this morning."

winona looked at me again expecting me to confess something.

i shook my head again. "i would never barf in your urn, winona. i mean maybe LB did it."

i love blaming my little step sister for things i
did.

"Liberty Bell, if you put one more bacon on that potato, im gonna kick your little monkey butt," said dad.

i tried to hold in my laugh as LB looked around, cluelessly smiling.

-

"all babies want to get borned! all babies want to get borned!"

when i arrived at the abortion clinic, i saw this girl from my school doing a protest by herself.

i walked up to her with a smile. "hey, su-chin."

she looked down. "oh. hey, y/n. how are you?"

i looked around. "you know, pretty solid. um so did you write that paper for Wards class yet?"

"no, not yet. i tried to work on it a little last night but im having trouble concentrating."

"oh! well ill sell you some of my adoral."

she shook her head and looked down.  "no thanks. im off pills."

"well that's a wise choice! cause i know this girl, she had this crazy freak out cause she took too many behavioral pills at once and then she just like ripped if her clothes! and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and like, blaahhhh!! im a kraken from the sea!" i exclaimed as i posed as a sea monster.

su-chin furrowed her eyebrows. "i heard that was you."

i licked my lips in awkwardness and went passed her. "well it was good seeing you, su-chin."

she called after me. "your baby probably has a beating heart, you know?"

i rolled my eyes.

"it can feel pain!"

i kept walking.

"and it was fingernails!"

i looked back at the girl. "fingernails? really?"

she nodded.

i did a surprised, whatever face and continued walking.

walking into the clinic, I walked up to front desk where a goth-like girl was playing on a ds.

"welcome to women now, where women are trusted friends. please put your hands where i can see them and surrender any bombs," she greeted boringly.

i put my hands up. "hey, im here for the big show."

she finally looked up at me and annoyingly rolled her eyes at my response. "your name, please?"

"y/n l/n."

she looks up at me and raised her eyebrows.

she thinks im using a fake name like gene simmons or mother teresa.

she handed me a clip board. "i need you to fill these out, both sides. and don't skip the hairy details. we need to know about every score and every sore.

i nodded my head.

as i grabbed the pen to start filling it out, she took out a condom from a container and placed it next to the clipboard.

"would you like a free condom? they're boysenberry."

"uh no, im off sex right now."

she smirked. "my boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse. they make junk smell like pie."

i awkwardly laughed and walked away.

as i sat down, i began filling it out.

for some reason, every motion that had to do with fingernails started to bang through my ears.

my eyes scanned the room looking at everyone's hands.

soon enough, all the noises were too much and i thought back to su-chin.

i stormed out of the place and ran out

"god appreciates your miracle!" yelled su-chin to me.

-

when i arrived at saoirse's hourse, she came out the door.

"dude what are you doing here? i was supposed to come get you at four!"

i threw my hands up in defeat. "i couldn't do it saoirse. it smelt like a dentist office in there, and there were these horrible magazines with water stains. and then the freakin' receptionist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers. and just babbling away about her freakin' boyfriend's pie balls."

"hmm yum!" joking said saoirse.

"oh yeah, and then su-chin was there and she was like 'oh hi, babies have fingernails.' fingernails!"

"that's gruesome. you think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out? and then it would-" she stopped.

i let out a sigh. "im staying pregnant, saoirse."

"dude! you gotta keep your voice down my moms inside. ok she doesn't know that we're sexually active."

"ugh, what does that even meannn. I've been thinking, i was thinking i could have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it. you know like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbians!"

"but then you're gonna get like huge! and your chest is gonna milktate, and you're gonna have to like tell people that you're pregnant."

i walked slightly passed her and took a seat on her front step. "but maybe they'll canonize me for being so selfless."

"or maybe they'll totally shit and be really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for spring break."

"i was gonna go to Gettysburg with chalamet anyway."

saoirse thought for a second. "you should look at adoption ads! i see them all the time in the penny saver."

"they have ads for parents?"

saoirse widely smiled. "yeah! 'Desperately Seeking Spawn' right next to like terriers and iguana and used fitness equipment. it's like totally legit!"

saoirse and i then got milkshakes and went to the park to look for some adoption ads.

"wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other," she read. "aw, all that's missing is your bastard."

"i want a parakeet," i said pushing up my sunglasses.

"you're totally not even listening to me."

"no, i heard you! i just like don't want to like give the baby to a family that describes themselves as 'wholesome'."

"why?"

"i don't know, i want something a little more edgier."

"okay, what did you have in mind?l

"i was thinking more like a graphic designer. mid 30's, you know with a cool asian girlfriend who dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar! but i don't want to be too particular."

"ok, how about this? educated, successful couple seeking infant to join our family of five. you'll be compensated. help us complete the circle of love. that sounds great!"

"that sounds like a friggin' cult. besides, they already have three kids, they're just like greedy little bitches."

saoirse looked back down at the paper. "ooh! y/n! how about this one?"

she handed me the paper as i put the pipe with nothing into my mouth.

i looked at the paper and saw the picture of the couple, who were smiling as they held onto each other happily.

they were tom and zendaya holland. and they were beautiful even in black and white.