19
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"Jude, you are a liar and a cunt and I wish you the fucking worst."

An awkward silence enveloped us as Saffron panted, anger still surging through her veins.

"God, don't just stand there!" She took in a shaky breath, voice cracking as she grumbled, "Say something."

"I'll deserve that."

She squinted.

"I'll deserve that, Saf. The worst," the rest came out in a whisper as I averted her gaze, "the fucking worst."

She blew out a breath, shaking her head. My tone claimed that I was mocking her, but I wasn't. She spun to leave, but I grabbed her wrist. "Saf, I need to—" She ripped her wrist from my grasp.

I nodded and continued, "I'm sorry. I need to... Listen, there's something wrong with me and there always has been. I'm sorry for dragging you into my mess. I'm sorry for being the one to come to you first and for lying to you for so long. I didn't know who I was for a really, really long time... and it tore away at me. It still does." I took a moment. "I don't think I've fully come to terms with it, but this is me, and I can never ask you to respect or accept that. But I have to tell you that this is who I am."

I hesitantly approached her again, taking her hands in mine. "You, Saffron, are amazing and beautiful and so, so passionate. You're perfect, so very perfect, and I've never seen that before—never appreciated it. You will find a better man who will. I wish you the best, Saffron, and I genuinely mean that. You deserve so much better."

"Jude..." she pleaded.

"I love you, Saf." I didn't mean that. A twitch in her brow indicated that she could sense it too. I didn't mean those words, but I just said them because they felt right.

"I—I'm gonna go," she muttered, slowly withdrawing her hands.

"Okay."

She turned around and walked out my door, making it the last time I ever saw that distinct shade of red, fiery hair.

I went to close the door, only to see my mother braced up adjacent to it.

She licked her lips, eyes ahead, daring not to look at me. "I'm leaving. I'm going away with my boyfriend for some time." She graced me with a glance. "I need some time to think... to think about all of this. I wasn't going to tell you, but... here I am."

I went to close the door, but she nudged it back open. "One more thing." She studied my expression for a long time. "It's okay. I accept you."

I opened my mouth, failing to find the words before managing a dry, "Really?"

She leaned back against the wall. "No..." she replied, uncertain. "I don't know... I feel like—" Suddenly, she was choked with sobs that scraped at her throat. She covered her face and sobbed, moving her hands to ask, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"It doesn't matter what I want, Mom. This is who I am."

She cried out again, muffling them quickly with her hands. With shaking hands, she turned away and muttered, "I'm gonna go pack."

★・・・・・・★

"So what is Jude's Philosophy of Gay Cancer?" I asked my camera. Of course, I had to go live one last time. "Here's the answer to the question we were all dying to know. Well, it's quite simple. I'm Jude and I perpetuated the idea or philosophy of Gay Cancer after it was abolished. My version is the belief that gayness is a cancer, a harmful disease that's rampantly spreading throughout our generation—gen-z.

"I had read about Gay Cancer and believed that those who debunked it were infected themselves. I then made it my mission to spread the philosophy to prevent the contamination of our species, or more importantly, the extinction.

"The difference between their idea of Gay Cancer and mine was that theirs was a disease you get in the ass, mine argues that it starts in your mind. Since it starts there, it's easier to contaminate straight people with the gay's cryptic messages and speeches.

"So, what was my personal motivator for starting this account? For building up a fan base riddled with those who hated gays most? My brother was one of them. Growing up, I would see him dressed up in pretty dresses and when daddy didn't like that, daddy left. My mom supported my brother and so did I, and it led to his death. My mother thought that if we had not supported him, he would have kept his 'perverted' thoughts at bay. Those guys wouldn't have known he was gay, and they wouldn't have beaten him to death.

"She thought so and taught me so, but now... I don't think that's true. I think my thinking so made things worse. Because why did we blame Jonah for being gay and not the men who took his life? How does my perpetuation of the men's ideas honour the brother I love? It doesn't make sense, it never did, so I never thought about it. I just went with mommy's ideas and soared.

"Jude's Philosophy of Gay Cancer is wrong, so I no longer stand with it. Maybe it's because I'm infected myself." I chuckled at the confused incels in the chatroom. "Yeah, you heard me right. I'm gay. I don't only love sex with men, I also want to spend the rest of my life loving one. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite, but I rather be that than an idiot to continue to ignore it.

"Jude's Philosophy argues—or dare I say argued—that gayness is an infection, but it is not. I can tell you that embracing it... is not. But ignoring it?" I nodded. "Yeah, that definitely is or feels like it. My entire life before felt like it—an infection—but now, I just feel..." I finally smiled. "...amazing. I mean, I haven't fully accepted it, but I'm getting there. I want to get there—a place where I can truly and fully accept myself.

Then, I got lost in my own words, "For once, I feel happy. I feel happy within and not because of anything without. And I will never apologize for that." I sighed, coming back down to reality. "I don't care what any of you think of me now. I am Jude... and I am gay and I am finally happy. Thank you."

I wanted to end it there. I should have ended it there, but I couldn't help but glance—glance at their opinions. Just as I had expected, the chat was filled up with mockery and disrespect and rage. Not a single person supported me. I didn't expect any of them to, but I still hoped to find one. At least one.

My pride quickly melted, and I felt the hot tears surfacing and I felt all I tried to build quickly crumble. What the fuck was I thinking? I laughed. I no longer knew what to think or how to feel,  so I laughed.

I wanted to peel off the mask—the dumb ski mask I always wore on the stream. I wanted to reveal myself to the world, hoping and praying one of them would come find me and kill me, but I couldn't. I couldn't do that to my mother.

I continued laughing, seeing the comments that asked if this was all some sick joke. Oh, how I wish it were.

"I'm gay," I chortled. "I really am."

As soon as I was about the switch off the live, I saw one comment that silenced my laughing.

'Honestly, no one genuinely gives a fuck what you do or who you are. You're soaking in all their—'

The other chats flooded in and this one became lost, so I had to find it again.

In totality, it read, 'Honestly, no one genuinely gives a fuck what you do or who you are. You're soaking in all their hate for nothing. You're gonna take in what they say, and consider ending your life—as one does—over this, but they're just gonna take off this live, go back to their lives, and forget all about you. Here's what you should do: delete this shitty account and move on with your life. Ignore these incels, they have nothing going for them—nothing better to do with their life but make you feel like ass. You're giving them the power, Jude. Stick to your shit and move on.'

"Shout out to grwm.to.fvck.up.my.life," I chuckled. "You're a gem. I love you. I'm going to the club and pop my pussy." And with that, I switched off the live.