14
—

I opened my bedroom window and felt the cold of the night air. The moon was full, and the stars were evident. I lay against my window sill, fighting the urge to return to my bed and do what I initially intended to do.

I tried focusing on the cold and the stars and the scent of the wind, but nothing could quell the rampant urges that torpedoed within me. So I left the sill and returned to my bed.

What was I doing? I was watching porn. Some may argue that such an action is fundamental in the development of a guy, and it has provided that in the past, but now it was just damaging.

All night I had been watching straight porn, but one with two guys popped up on my recommended and I already saw the preview. Now I was itching to see it. I avoided thinking about it too much because I knew that if I did, my feelings would only grow stronger as I tried to reject them.

So I went to my bed, picked up my phone, and watched the video. It was about a homophobic guy bullying a twink until he realized he had feelings for the said twink.

The twink shoved him back alas and started making out with him. The cinematography was way too developed for a porno. They shot the scenes so well that it was easy for the viewer to believe they were experiencing it all themselves.

The homophobic one took off his shirt, revealing his toned and tanned physique. Libido struck me as the other guy ran his fingers along the man's body. I glanced down at my pants, knowing it wouldn't be long before I noticed a tent forming. But I didn't care—I just couldn't bring myself to care anymore.

The homophobic one was getting sick of the teasing, so he suddenly spun the twink around and pulled out his erect cock.

I ripped my phone out of eyeshot as my libido grew stronger. If you don't know what libido means, basically I got really horny. I grabbed onto my crotch and the more the images flashed through my mind, the harder it was to tolerate the discomfort brewing between my legs.

I brought back up the phone. The guy was now pounding the lights out of the twink and I didn't have the strength to look away. I felt my pre-cum at just the sight and after rubbing myself—through my pants—I came immediately.

I threw my phone and listened to it hit the wall before plopping onto my bed. And I lay there, soaked in my own filth, my body suddenly struck with paralysis.

I looked down, and it was crusted. How long did I lie in that position? How long did I lie there with my mere thoughts? The funniest part was that I felt even more confused rather than coming to a conclusion.

I peeled myself from my bed and went downstairs for something to eat, but when I entered the living room, I found my mother on the couch. She had a wineglass in her hand, spinning around the rotten grape juice with a frozen smile on her face.

Her eyes fell to my crotch, widening at the crusty, white sight that was there. Suddenly, a man caught my gaze. He was lying on her lap, raising to see what she was staring at.

I went to the fridge, got some juice, and grudgingly trenched back up the stairs to my room. There, I distracted myself with my phone because I knew if I allowed myself to think about what I had done, I would spiral. Suddenly, there was a knock at my door.

"Come in," I yelled, facing the wall as I lay buried in my blanket.

The door cracked open. I heard heavy footsteps in my direction, and then a weight on the bed beside me.

"Jude, right?" came the voice of the strange man.

I didn't answer.

"Believe it or not, I was young once. Felt the feelings you are, did the things you do. It was pure bliss." There was a long pause. "Listen, I don't know who you are or what you do, but I know that I really like your mom, so I'm willing to get to know you too, warts and all."

I shifted ever so slightly to see him, but he had his back to me, sitting at the very edge of my bed. Close enough to warrant vulnerability, but distanced enough for comfort and space.

He continued, "Blossoming into a real, functional adult is hard, so everyone expects you to do... outrageous stuff, but soon you'll meet an age where such behaviours become unwarranted."

At that point, I was ready to tune him out because who the hell did he think he was giving me a lecture? I was ready to literally doze off until he got lost in his speech.

"You'll start getting these thoughts that go against all you've ever known. Thoughts that challenge your values and beliefs and... well, structure. Just know that those are okay. You may not want the change, but you may need to.

"We all have this... voice at the back of our heads that knows us more than we do. This voice that tells us what we truly need, but they don't have enough power to do anything."

He turned to me, and I turned away. "You have that power, Jude. And you have the choice to listen to that little voice telling you who are or not. The only question that leaves then is what would you do? What would you choose, Jude?"

I turned to him. His eyes were sincere, just as much as his voice was. The words were bubbling in my throat. This was my chance to get it all out. For once I was understood, for once someone got me.

I parted my lips, and I saw the way he leaned in, waiting for me to confess something. How much did this guy know?

I sucked in a breath and asked, "Are you fucking my mother?"