syn·the·sis
/ˈsinTHəsəs/
noun
noun: synthesis plural noun: syntheses
1. the combination of two elements into one, to form a whole.

The Quinjet's engines hummed low as they soared through the night sky, a tense silence filling the cabin. No one spoke; the only sounds were the rhythmic tapping of Clint's fingers against his bow and the occasional creak of Steve's shield as he adjusted his grip. Nora sat stiffly in her seat, her hands trembling faintly in her lap, though she did her best to still them.

The air was suffocating.

Natasha cast occasional glances at Nora, but even she said nothing. Tony hadn't moved from the cockpit since they departed. His eyes were fixed ahead, his fingers tight on the controls, but every now and then, his gaze flickered to the reflection of the team in the glass panel, lingering on her for a heartbeat too long.

Nora's head leaned back against the seat, her silver hair limp and matted. Her mind was stuck in an endless loop of what had happened. The vines. His taunts. The blood. The crack of his neck. She felt the phantom sensation of the vines moving under her skin, her power acting on instinct alone.

When the Quinjet finally touched down on the Tower's landing pad, the group filed out, their movements methodical. The usual chatter, jokes, or plans for post-mission meals were absent. Instead, a heavy silence followed them like a storm cloud.

For some moments silence prevailed, a heart wrenching confrontation hanging in air between them, that no one wanted to see.

Steve turned around as soon as he reached the common room, his broad shoulders stiff – with anger or repressed emotions, no one knew. His jaw was tightly clenched, a rarity from a man normally so composed and his voice came out like venom, "What were you thinking back there, Nora?"

Nora visibly finched at the coldness in his voice, her numb state finally beginning to crack as she wrapped her arms around herself, "I am sorry," she whispered, not meeting his gaze.

"Sorry?" His voice contained a hint of incredulity, his heart and mind at a constant war. She was someone he had started caring about, someone he considered as his family, his sister and he knew how much she was suffering– is suffering because of the rift that had been formed between her and Tony, a part of him knew that maybe that man was just a monster of her past engraved in her veins to such an extent, that she killed him. But the other part of him, the captain part of him– the one which had suffered in the hands of the same HYDRA was betrayed, Fury needed that man alive, he needed him alive because potentially that man was the person who had the information that would be needed to destroy even the remnants of HYDRA.

And she had compromised that information.

The lives that would be at stake had risen.

"Nora, sorry is not enough in this situation! Fury needed that man alive due to a reason, he was critical to dismantling the last remnants of HYDRA! Do you have any idea possibly how many lives you had put on stake because due to you we wouldn't be able to get the vital information we desperately seeked,"

She closed her eyes shut, fists clenching at her side. The numbness that had cocooned her in Quinjet had began to dissipate and she could feel herself being drowned in a sea of self loathing and grief and memories, "I-I know,"

"Then, why couldn't you stop Nora?" he asked, his voice containing only a hint of anger that he felt inside, "then, why wouldn't you stop? Was killing him that necessary?"

"No, I-" her voice cracked, tears filling her eyes though this time she was too tired to keep them at bay. Memories again hit her– like she was standing in a theater watching the macabre of her own life from the front seats, the cruelty of it left her short of breath, "I couldn't-"

Her hands wrapped around herself like a cocoon, her form shrinking in herself– wanting to disappear, to dissipate when the memories hit her again.

The cold, unforgiving ground of the room.

His violating hands.

The sickening way he had spoken her name over and over again.

Nausea crawled toward her throat.

Her throat had gone raw from screaming, that soon dissolved into begging and then losing hope altogether.

Her battered, tattered clothes.

The world was spinning.

"Couldn't what, Nora? Couldn't care enough, couldn't wait to think, couldn't think about others? Because that's what it looks like,"

Her heart raced, the walls seeming to close in around her. She opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. Memories of that night surged forward—the dark cell, the sound of the lock clicking, his voice.

And yet, she shouldn't have killed him.

The information he had was worth ignoring all the lava that was pouring in her veins, when she saw him.

And she killed him, for what?

For the peace of her mind, that was still missing.

Selfish. So, goddamn selfish and apathetic.

Maybe, she did deserved all that after all.

The walls were closing in.

"Steve, stop," Natasha said, stepping forward with a hand on his arm, her voice cautious and a warning at the same time. His words were breaking Nora, and Natasha knew he didn't realize just how much.

"No, Natasha," Steve said, his voice hard, his mind clouded with anger and disappointment– too foggy to notice the tremble in her hands or how she seemed short on oxygen. "She needs to understand—this isn't just about her!"

"Steve, give her some space," Clint said, his voice uncharacterized subdued, a step forward in his direction.

"But–"

"Enough Rogers," Tony's voice rang out in the room, a mix of coldness and anger and the emotions he had repressed for so long. His steps took him between Nora and Steve, his frame a protective ward in front of her.

"Tony don't you-"

"I said, that's enough," Tony's voice rang out, low and firm. His eyes flickered to her form, clenching with the undeniable agony when he saw her shoulders shaking from repressed emotions, feeling like he was losing her all over again, "Everyone out. Now."

"What?" Steve muttered, stunned.

"You heard me, Rogers," he said, his gaze leaving her only for a second to look at him. The coldness and venom in his voice is undeniable, "you have done enough damage. She doesn't need you or an audience right now, Go. All of you."

Clint sensing the impending emotional collapse that weighed heavily on Nora nudged Natasha forward, though her steps hesitated. Her green eyes plagued with concern flickered between her friend who seem like she had relieved all her nightmares and the man who she knew was the only one who could help her– but not sure about the fact that he want to, not after the previous two months that had caused a gap between them so huge, that it feel difficult to bridge.

But she could also see the toll those two months had taken on Tony. And the overwhelming concern and desperation his hazel eyes hold. So with a stiff nod toward Tony she forced herself to step out, her hand on Steve's wrist dragging him out too.

Now, it was just Tony and Nora in the room.

"Nora," his voice was soft and aching– aching with the pain of seeing her after so much time and realizing that even though his heart clenched, it was because she looked like a fragile flower, petals falling even at the slightest contact and not because his family's faces flash in front of him. Aching because he couldn't hold her right now and never let go, not when she was trembling and spiraling. Aching because his heart was being torn apart thinking if somehow her condition was his fault.

Her eyes snapped toward him, wide and glassy filled with tears that were finally falling. Her frame shaking and sobs escaping her lips, "Don't," she managed to say, her voice a rasp she herself didn't understood, "please don't, I can't- couldn't–"

"Nora, you are having a panic attack," he said taking a cautious step forward despite her protests, he had seen her spiraling before too, so deep in her thoughts and memories that her mind would give out sending her into a anxiety attack, with time he had understood that at time like these all she would need was someone to hold her, "Come on, sweetheart, focus on my voice, take a deep breath,"

"I-I can't-" she said, her voice breaking into a cry as her knees gave out.

Tony was by her side in a second, holding her before she could fall. His hands visibly shook while he held her trembling from realizing how thin she had gotten in the past two months. "Nora, Nora," he called her name repeatedly, adjusting her so that he could support her by one hand while the other hand gently wiped her tears, raising her head to meet his eyes, "come on love, you have got to hold on for me. You are safe, I am here, we are at the compound no one would hurt you, no one would ever hurt you again,"

"Tony," her voice broke, her hands falling from his chest before again reaching toward his shoulders holding them, holding him. Her heart beat with relief and pain both when she could feel his warmth next to her, when she could actually look at him through her teary vision and only see concern for her, no hate, nothing. Relief because that gave her a reason enough to try to pull out from the abyss she was falling in, to reach toward the bank of that dark ocean trying to anchor herself. Pain because she still blamed herself, and couldn't get her mind around that how possibly– can he forgive her, after what she did?

She didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry," she said, hot tears pouring from her eyes, her voice cracking, "I am so sorry, I never meant to," her eyes met his, and they contained such a amount of pain and agony and desperation that he felt his heart struggling to bear within the pain it was bearing, "I am so so sorry, I-...I never would have done it. But they caged me in that room for days and that man– that HYDRA agent would come at night and-..." a sob tore from her throat, "I didn't think I would be able to live– and have any piece of me intact by the end of fifth day. I know, I know, that does not give me an excuse for snatching away people so precious to you.

"But I swear, I swear in the name of everything I have left, in the name of our love. I would have never, ever done it. If I knew they were your parents– if I had known someday that night would catch up to me this bad...I am sorry, I just– I know I might have just endured that for a few more days- it wasn't like I would have died, I know they wouldn't have allowed it- but I just-

"I just felt so disgusted and broken, I just–" she pressed her forehead against his chest, tears poring continuously as her body shook with the agony, "I just didn't wanted to be raped again- it-it felt so bad, and I couldn't do anything and he-"

Tony silenced her as he pressed her form against his chest, holding her in his arms tightly, as if he was holding the last shreds of his life and world– which she technically was. He kept one hand pressed against her waist while the other hand cradled her head, pressing soft kisses again and again on her matted hair, his own tears mixing with hers.

And at that moment, if not for her, he knew he might have killed himself because well, after seeing just how much he had pushed her into this abyss, hell, he wanted to die a brutal death because she was thinking– God, she was thinking all that, blaming herself for something that was never in his control, thinking that she could have endured all that, that man, those violating hands everything because of him-

Only if she didn't need him, he would have preferred to jump from the balcony.

"Oh sweetheart," his voice broke as he hugged her even tighter, wanting to express the desperation and guilt he couldn't explain in words would be expressed by it, "I am sorry, I am so so sorry that I couldn't express it in words- God, I wish I would have thought about this before, would had even an ounce of logic left in me that time- I didn't- I never wanted to do this to you.

"Love, Nora, you are the best thing that had happened to me. I am so sorry I blamed you, pushed you away because of something you didn't had a choice in- I just, I know this not an excuse but my mother-" his voice broke, as he placed a kiss on her forehead salt mixing in the love he wanted to convey, "her face would just come in my mind and– even though I never wanted to, I would say things that would hurt you. She was- she was everything.

"...but so you are, and I am so sorry, so so sorry and I just- God, I would do anything to make this right again. It was not your fault, never your fault, not in anything. Not in the things they made you do, not in the things someone's twisted, cruel, and disgusting thoughts made them do. You were just a kid, Nora, you couldn't have done anything,

"Doesn't make you any less stronger anyway, you are the strongest woman I have ever met in my life," he pulled away just enough to look at her with a smile that was a mixture of both tears and relief, brokenness and the feeling of whole when he held her in his arms.

Her tears had subsided by now, breath falling into a slightly faster but safe rhythm. She gulped, her lower lip trembling as she shook her head. How was it possible that this man, this generous, kind, broken but whole in his own way, could forgive her for something that had tainted all his life?

"I wanted you to be angry at me," her voice was rough, throat hurting after the cries that had left her throat, though it had the faintest tremble in it, "I thought you would hate me for the rest of your life– in some way, I wanted you to because you know-" she looked away holding the tears that were swirling in her eyes, "-because that would mean, at least you would feel something for me. And not just you know, make me something that was never their, and it would make me feel better because in some way I would be repaying for all the sins I have done,

"But God, I can't explain how relieved I am that you didn't," she said, wrapping her arms around his torso. Her forehead resting on his shoulder, feeling like finally she was somewhere safe, "I am sorry, I am so so sorry,"

"He was there," she whispered her voice a meek tone, "that man, I-...I just couldn't stop myself when he told me that-" her hands shook as she clutched him tighter feeling his hands also holding her tighter in return, the constant feel of his fingers running through her tangled knots, his lips pressing a kiss on her hair and forehead, "he had recorded all that- all of it, and it had been passed from one HYDRA agent to another like some prized relic."

Tony closed his eyes in the burst of rage he felt toward them, and the surge of pain for her. That man was lucky she killed him, because even if he was safely retained after hearing this– he would have seen the worst death in the history of humanity. He pulled her face away as he connected their foreheads, "Shh, it's okay, it's okay, you don't need to relive all that. Believe me, love, it will be alright. Because lucky for you, your boyfriend is a genius billionaire, those videos would be erased, even if I have to destroy the entire web for it,"

She laughed, a shaky sound but filled with genuineness.

"We are, right?" his gaze was soft, but filled with doubt and desperation, "I mean you would want to go back to what we were?"

She looked up at him, hesitantly reaching a hand to cup his face, "If you want,"

He cupped her hand, leaning into her touch, "It's the only thing I want, One step at a time?"

"Slowly,"

"But, Together,"