Nora ran a hand through the silver tendrils that framed her face, heaving a sigh.

To be honest, she felt jealous of the night sky at that moment. The darkness inside her was just like the night sky, if not more dark, but at least it had stars that lit up, stars that made it beautiful, something worth looking at, something worthwhile– something she wanted to have in her life.

Once again, sleep had betrayed her– the memories that she locked away every day in the darkest corner of her mind, unlocked themselves at night, clawing at the very wounds she wanted to seal away. The result– was the dark circles she had to hide everyday and the records she broke because of not sleeping.

Insomnia.

A rating of solid 0/10.

Would not recommend it.

The soft wind hit her face, her hair swaying with the winds while she leaned on the cold railings– a stark contrast to the fire burning within her. Earlier this day, she finally completed all the formalities to become an official Avengers member.

She should be happy.

She glanced at the city sprawled below, the neon veins of New York pulsing with life. The city that never sleeps, where traffic and people still bustle around the streets and the corners of shops, even at late hours.
The Avengers– the mightiest hero of planet Earth, she had been able to join them, alright. But now doubt plagued her mind like an unwanted parasite, sucking on whatever happiness she should be feeling. She wondered if she even deserves to be in such an honorable place after what she had done.

Sure, she felt good when director Fury told her she would be joining the heroes' team, the one who would help her destroy that base if she would comply with the conditions laid down by Fury– but somewhere in her heart, she knew she didn't deserve to be here or anywhere near happiness, to be honest. Not after she had snatched away that blissful feeling from so many people.

Her past had been a labyrinth of shadows, and she had walked a path stained with blood– once she had been in denial, refusing to acknowledge that she had indeed done all that. But that fantasy had shattered the moment she had stepped in SHIELD headquarters, when she had become a member– an important one if she might dare say, it had shattered since the moment she had seen the disdain in other's eyes, her loyalty being questioned– even when she really didn't have anywhere else to go, and they knew that.

Then again, it wasn't like she blamed them for thinking so. Her thoughts had been on that same path more than once, thinking even if she could trust herself.

But it never made that hurt any less.

"Leave me, please," the man begged, his face bloodied and cloth tattered, unshed tears welling up in his eyes, "My wife is pregnant, please, I-I would do anything they want– please- she-... she doesn't have anyone other than me."

That man was innocent, probably hadn't even killed an animal, let alone a human.

His only fault?

HYDRA for whatever reason considers him as a threat.

Monster. Killer. Heartless.

"I am sorry," she whispered, looking away, before pulling the trigger silencing the man's begging. She had pulled that trigger knowing what she was doing, done that knowing if she wanted she could just escape, not kill him, or just make an excuse that she wasn't able to do the mission.

But she had pressed that trigger, taking that man's life– a thousand other lives. All by her own accord, all when she knew she had the choice to disobey, to escape, to not follow the orders, they would do nothing to her back at the base, she always had the choice to just exist or...die too, if she wanted.

Having flashbacks of the horror she had done was a way her soul tormented her, at least that's what she liked to think. What she hated the most– still hate–was the fact that there was still a small part of her that whispered that maybe just maybe she didn't have a choice, that she shouldn't blame herself, that she was the victim.

But the other part–the sane part of her– refused to accept it.

All of that was due to her selfishness, her selfish almost naive hope–even after knowing that in those dark cells, naivety was torture– that she could save her.

She was selfish.

She was a murderer.

Not a victim.

Never a victim.

She remembered vividly the guilt that ate her away after every life she took, after every blood drop that seeped through the ground due to her, it still does. For every life she took, for every family she ruined, she had looked up at the sky wondering if somehow a lightning bolt could hit her and end this all– it was almost funny when she knew if she really did want it to hit her, she could just summon one.

She remembers how she kept the gun on her forehead to end it for once and all one day, only to stop by the flashing images of the kids kept there, flashing image of her there, the innocence in her eyes almost threatening to dissolve into tears whenever she saw a new scar on Nora's hand, or forearm.

If not she, then them, her, will her death even make a difference to the number of lives lost?

She knew the answer.

No. It would never make a difference.

If anything, they would be pissed– and that anger would be taken on the childrens there.

And she certainly did not want the other innocent lives to go through what she was going through. She, of course, knew that they would also walk the same path of crimson hues one day, but at least they will be saved from the other things– the experiments, the frustration, the consciousness of knowing what was wrong and what was right– the things they did with her.

Clenching her fists, she leaned back from the railings. Mentally scolding herself, to reminisce about the past.

Not really the time for self pity, was it?

***

Sleep was nowhere in sight, and she knew that. So after taking a cold shower in her new room, she decided to channel her restlessness to something more productive. Breakfast for the team sounds like a good distraction and a welcome and warm start to this new and hopefully retiring journey for her.

The common room was dimly lit as she walked to the kitchen, "Jarvis," she said, her voice echoing in the quiet room, "when does the team have their breakfast?"

"Breakfast is usually served at 7:30 AM, Miss Reyes," Jarvis replied, his digital presence a comforting hum that echoed in the walls, "May I assist you with anything else?"

"Hmm, tell me about their preferences," she instructed, rolling up her sleeves and rummaging the drawers for an apron, "Any allergies? likes, dislikes,"

And so, with the help of the AI butler and her culinary skills, she prepared breakfast for the team, trying to keep everything to their preferences. A hearty breakfast of pancakes for Captain, a light fare of Greek yogurt and fresh fruits for Natasha, oatmeal and herbal tea for Dr. Banner, pancakes and Heimdal coffee for the god of thunder and a gourmet omelet and artisanal coffee for Tony.

She loved cooking.

It was the only thing other than reading that provide her solace, it felt creative, productive, magical almost, how different ingredients mix together, stir, boil–and with right precision and skills one could convert it into something mouth-watering, something that could spike someone dopamine level, brighten someone day, bring a smile to someone's face.

By the time she had prepared the breakfast for all the team, the sun had risen casting its crimson glow all over New York, the sunrays filtered through the windows lighting up the common room.

The Avengers filed into the common room soon after– after completing their daily morning routine– their footsteps and murmurs of conversations echo while Nora had laid out breakfast. The room smelled of scrambled eggs and cinnamon, a comforting aroma that masked the weight of their responsibilities.

"You say you'll be our newest headache," Steve said, taking in the sight of the breakfast laid out, garnished beautifully, when he entered the common room. The corner of his eyes crinkled, "But it does not seem like that,"

"Appearance and actions can be deceiving, Captain," she said, keeping the last plates in their places, while she could see others sitting on the chairs, various 'Thank you for the meal' reaching her ears, a warm feeling spread in her heart– by the normalcy of it all, how this all was like an- family. She shook her head, her jaw subtly clenching, no, she couldn't afford to bond- to see them more as teammates, not when there was a chance that if she revealed everything she would break all this. "Sometime what seems like mere winds can lead to a hurricane,"

It was just a vague warning from her, not wanting them to trust her deeply, or even see her more as someone who is the member of their team, just that nothing more. Trust led to hurt, and knowing how difficult it was for people like them to trust others. She didn't want to become an example, to make it even more difficult for them to trust others–she couldn't be trusted, not when she did not even trust herself.

"We've all weathered our storms,"

"I'm sure, you all have," she said with a subtle smile.

Nora couldn't help but notice the absence of the great genius from the table. So she asked the others as to where he was, or if he preferred to wake up late– she was surprised to say the least, when they dismissed it with a wave of their hand and a collective laugh about starving in the lab, causing her to frown. She could tell they were just joking, but the absence of concern from their faces unnerved her, only Bruce seemed like the one who had the sense to get concerned for his friend.

He quietly told her that he generally doesn't eat breakfast and work in his lab. Then again, no one had ever gone there and asked him to join, figuring out that he would eat when he wanted to though Bruce would occasionally bring him breakfast but most of the time he denied it.

Well, because he didn't usually eat, doesn't mean they couldn't even ask him.

This was just...negligence.

And for some unknown reason, it hurt her to think he went through that. Or maybe, it hurts because she did know the feeling having experienced it too many times in her time as a SHIELD agent.

But no one deserved to be treated like that, no one.

"Jarvis?" she called out, walking out of the common room to the elevator.

"Yes, Miss Reyes."

"Tony, is he in his lab?"

"Yes, miss,"

"Do I have the permission to go there?"

"Of course, Miss."

"Thank you, Jarvis. And you can just call me Nora,"

"You're welcome then Miss Nora,"

She found her way to the lab with Jarvis's help. For some moments, she stood outside and watched through the window. Tony was completely engrossed in his work, his hazel eyes trained on the mechanic he tinkered with, hands moving with the precision of someone– who knew what he was doing, who had been doing that since a long time.

Her eyes softened before she took a deep breath, entering into his lab while leaning on the door, "Good morning, Mr. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist." she greeted using the words he had used to describe himself yesterday.

"Just Tony is fine, sweetheart, no need to list all my qualities every time." he said, his lips quirking up in a smirk, his hazel eyes would glance up occasionally to consult the schematic in front of him before turning back to his project.

First, hot stuff, now sweetheart, God knows what nickname she would be getting next.

"You are not going to have breakfast?" she asked, her tone nonchalant but eyes filled with a quiet concern.

"Aww, is someone worried." he asked, his bright eyes--that she was surprised had not lost their light after not sleeping for fifty-six hours-- finally looked at her.

They were beautiful, to say the least.

The fluorescent lights framed them, making the usual brown pop and she could see some specks of green– that brightened whenever he smirked.

"As if," she scoffed, masking her concern with a shrug, "I am the one who had prepared breakfast today, and I ain't letting it go waste, so you better get your ass down there and eat it,"

"I don't usually eat breakfast, hot stuff," he muremed, his gaze leaving hers to focus on the systematics in front of him.

She frowned, "You are quite an stupid person for your health despite being a genius. Breakfast is necessary for everyone, the first food– it energizes the body. And let me tell you this now only, I am not taking no for an answer, so if you don't want me to bring the breakfast– I have prepared so meticulously– here, and bother you until you eat all of it. You are coming downstairs and eat," before he could interrupt she gestured toward the door, "In case you forget, the way is here."

"And people say I am insufferable," he muttered, walking out the door. Despite his initial annoyance, he couldn't help the warmth that sparked in his heart when she said that. Was it the carefully concealed concern in her voice? Or the fact that there was someone– someone who was new here and yet cared enough not only to prepare breakfast for him but also basically threatened to eat it. It wasn't like he didn't know it was bad for his health to not eat breakfast, he knew of course he did. But it was now his habit to push away his health, and neglect it the chance he got. Maybe because every minute wasted or away from his lab just gives him more time to think about the memories he wanted to forget– and that was not something he could bother to go into.

But it felt... good, to see someone care. Even if it would be for some other reasons. 

(edited)