You know, I don't think I'm deserving of any kind of love. I've always hated myself and thought I didn't deserve anything good for me. I still do just because I don't see myself as valuable at all to anyone, but that's beside the point and I'll leave that for another time. A lot of things happened that day, I spoke to Naina for the first time, I discovered Sanjay's liking for Naina and my mother came back from Delhi.

Family, the word itself holds so much emotion. While, my family consisted of just one member, my Nanu. My mother had returned not to meet me but to take me to Delhi. When I came back from the university, I noticed her arguing with Nanu in the living room. As soon as she realized my presence she came towards me, asking why I was late. Is that what you ask your child when you meet after years? I felt rage building inside me instead, a different pool of feelings built in me. The feeling of emptiness and disappointment. The feeling that frequently flickers through your ear, constantly reminding you that you are not good enough, that you're never gonna be good enough.

I looked at Nanu who averted his gaze and that's when I knew she hadn't come to meet me but again for some selfish reasons. "Sameer, mujhe tumse kuch baat karna hai."

Do you ever miss being genuinely happy? I know that some moments in my life have made me sad but I never imagined it would come to this level of sadness. It's gotten to a point where I'm just always down and prefer to stay alone. Staying lonely was interpreted as arrogance by people.

"Kaise ho tum?"

"Bahut khush hu, yahi sunna chahti ho na aap."

"Sameer, tumne hamesha mujhe galat samjha hai. Mai yaha se tumhe lene aayi ho apne saath Delhi. Tum hamesha chahte the na ki hum saath mai rahe. Maine Vivek se baat kar li hai is baare mai aur voh maan gaye hai."

"Aap mujhe akela chod kar gayi apne dusre pati ke saath. Itne saalo mai aap mujhse milne nahi aayi aur na hi phone kiya. Achanak se aapko meri yaad aati hai. Maine aapko galat samjha nahi hai lekin jab bhi maine aap par bharosa kiya hai aapne mujhe galat tehraya hai. Mai kahi nahi aane vala aapke saath. Mai Nanu ko chod kar phir se kahi nahi jaunga."

I had so much to say, so much to confront.

You need to understand that I am damaged, I am easily triggered. I have struggled with things. There are nights I curl up in a ball and block every possible thought about you. All I needed was to have a family, to be with you but you left me alone when I needed you the most.

Stop acting all innocent like I'm the one that messed everything up like I'm all to blame. You made me shut all doors of my heart. I am not able to trust anyone easily. I knew how badly I needed you, even you did. Well, things have never been easy in my life neither my relationship with my mother nor with Naina.

Have you ever just started listening to sad music then you get into your feelings?

My mother left before dinner, Nanu and I did not speak at the dinner. We weren't angry, but we didn't want to utter anything then. After dinner, I walked back to my room and locked it. Changing my clothes, I lay on the bed thinking about the events that took place that day. Nice. Great. Depressing. Confusing. How was I going to describe it? To shrug off my thoughts, I decided to listen to music on my walker.

I try and try but never feel good enough. You isolate yourself from the world in hopes of finding something better, a better life, a new identity. But that's nearly impossible. Even if I try to be good, people won't accept the fact. I walked up to my study table and took my backpack to get a diary. Not mine but of Naina which I stole from her locker. I know that was a wrong move but I did it.

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